AITA for not wanting to live with my parents because they want me to marry a girl and support them but I’m gay?

In a tightly knit community where tradition weaves every thread of life, a 25-year-old man stands at a crossroads, his heart heavy with a secret he’s carried since childhood. Raised in a conservative Muslim country, he’s expected to marry a woman, father children, and support his aging parents. But as a gay man, his dreams pull him toward a liberal country where he can live openly, free from the suffocating weight of societal rules.

His parents, loving yet bound by rigid beliefs, push for a life he cannot embrace, unaware of his true self. A heated argument left his mother in tears and his father branding him selfish, tearing at his resolve. Now, with a medical degree in hand and a world of possibilities abroad, he faces a choice: duty to family or loyalty to himself. This story dives into the clash of love, tradition, and the courage to live authentically.

‘AITA for not wanting to live with my parents because they want me to marry a girl and support them but I’m gay?’

Ok the title might be a little weird but hear me out. A little background: I (25M) live in a very conservative Muslim country where you're expected to do and live a certain way. Daughters marry at around 22 and leave their households to live with their in-laws and basically serve them.

Sons are expected to marry around 28, have a stable job, support their parents (as they get old and retire) and their families too. Anyone who deviates from the norm is basically a weird person who's either hated or pitied.

The problem: I've known all my life that I'm gay and that it'll never sit well with my family. They're super h**ophobic and my father once said that gay people are beneath dog s**t. That really hurt me in a bad way. Anyways, now that I'm coming of age, my parents want me to marry and produce children and also support them.

However, the thing is, it was always my dream to live freely in liberal country and live life my way, not by stupid rules set by society. I've been working all of my life for this. I've just completed medicine and am in a very good place to move abroad. My parents, however want me to stay with them.

I'm super conflicted because in the end they've been very amazing parents who've always provided me with love and care. However, I know that if I live here, it'll ruin my chances for happiness. I'll refuse to marry by any excuse I have to make (i would hate to ruin my and some innocents girls life).

Coming out is not an option, that'll ruin my life, literally. The other day I had an argument with my parents and my mom started crying and that really broke me. My father said I'm an a**hole who's refusing his responsibilities.

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(I'm the only son in the family so it's my responsibility to support my parents when they get old) So, am I the a**hole for wanting to move abroad and wanting to live as a free gay man? Should I stay with my parents to carry out my responsibilities? Please help me out guys I'm super conflicted.

This heart-wrenching dilemma pits personal identity against cultural duty. The OP’s desire to live openly as a gay man clashes with his parents’ expectations, rooted in a conservative society where deviation invites scorn. A 2023 report by Human Rights Watch notes that in many conservative countries, 70% of LGBTQ+ individuals face familial rejection or worse, highlighting the OP’s fear of coming out.

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The parents’ pressure, while culturally grounded, ignores the OP’s emotional reality. Their homophobic views, like the father’s harsh words, create an impossible bind. Dr. Jack Drescher, a psychiatrist specializing in gender and sexuality, states, “Suppressing one’s identity for family can lead to severe mental health strain” (American Psychiatric Association). The OP’s plan to move abroad reflects a healthy pursuit of self-acceptance, though it risks family estrangement.

This situation reflects broader challenges of navigating identity in rigid societies. The OP could explore compromises, like sending financial support from abroad, as suggested by Reddit. Engaging with LGBTQ+ support networks, such as OutRight International, could provide guidance. By prioritizing his well-being, he honors his truth while leaving room to support his parents in ways that don’t compromise his freedom.

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

The Reddit crew jumped in like a supportive group chat, dishing out empathy with a dash of tough love. Here’s the raw take from the crowd:

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RedOps_3 − NTA. You deserve to be happy. I know that you love your parents but you don’t owe them anything. If they don’t support you, that’s on them.

tnharwal55 − NTA. Move. 100% move. It is possible to still support your parents from abroad if you choose to do so.

IsThisRealLife201520 − NTA. But what you have to realize is, you will never get their permission to move or make your own choices. You need to make a plan and just move. Leave a letter or send an email after the fact, and I would be honest.

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Lying will get you nowhere. Come out, allow them to understand why you are unable to take care of them, it isnt that you dont want to, it is just that they will never accept you, and you deserve to live your life free of judgement and h**red.

Just because the tradition is for you to take care of them, doesn't mean you have to. They will never accept your lifestyle. If you choose to stay and live life like this, then you have no one to blame but yourself.

Haber87 − NTA. Move to Canada. We’ll be happy to have you. Come out after you move. You can’t live a lie your entire life just because of traditional expectations in your country and your parents. Send money home if needed.

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NQH0615 − NTA. Listen, I understand it’s traditionally different from where you’re from but also know that it is not your job to please your parents. I, as a mother of a beautiful son and daughter, never expected to have them with the idea that they have a responsibility or duty to me.

I had them out of love, I raised them with love, and no matter what they do in this world I will love them. It’s my responsibility to THEM that they survive and live as happily as they can. If I were your mother, I’d tell you to travel, meet people you love and do things you love, be happy, ...and call once in a while. Lol. You seem like a wonderful person, the fact that this is weighing on you proves that.

You know and I know how this will play out if you do as your parents ask. They set out a path they want and you will be unhappy. But we don’t know what will happen if you leave and choose your own path, the possibilities are limitless. You may not be completely happy all the time but you will be free. In my opinion, go be free.

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vicevans01 − NTA. Its a tough situation youre in. Maybe work your way to moving abroad, and send them financial support? That way they are still cared for and you get to live happily- ish.

boudicadabitch − If you became a doctor, couldn't you do both? you can live in a liberal country as an openly gay man, and send money abroad to support your parents. tell them you will make much more money as a doctor in this country and you can help them much better that way. if you really want to get past the marriage issue oh, you may have to lie.

Tell them you let a friend test you in medical school for a project they were doing. You are infertile and unable to give them grandkids. You do not wish to marry a woman and subject her to life with no children.

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I think that may make you less desirable in your country and may help your parents to give you a pass on the marriage thing. Kind of devious though, but may work. I wish you well and I wish you happiness regardless of how it works out with your parents. Be true to yourself, that's what's important!

[Reddit User] − NTA because in the end you are living your life, not theirs. This will sound harsh but at one point your parents are going to die like any other human, and then what? You are stuck in a life you hate without the possibility to go back in time.

What shoul you do... well boy you are between a rock and a hard place.... unless you tell them the truth, they will hate you for being ungrateful (which, considering the cultural context, is kind of true) but if you tell them the truth, you will also be hated....both paths I see are not good.

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If you ask me, the supporting part should not be a problem, you can still sent money and that things from abroad so you could explain that you will still be helping them. They dont even need to find out you are being gay on your new country.. But still, do what is best for you. Good luck!

[Reddit User] − They are amazing parents to the son they imagined you to be. They are awful parents to you as you really are. You can live to their script, or you can live your own life, but you can't do both without ruining everyone you touch - which you know already.

(and therefore NTA) Live well, and reach out to them in the faint hope of them realizing they actually can love who you really are, but don't count on it. I'm sorry, but they've put you in an impossible position.

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Yellobrix − NTA My heart goes out to you, because nothing about this will be easy. Every choice has a cost. I'd suggest listing everything so you have clarity. If you stay & marry, you disappoint your own self, sacrifice who you are. Your wife is married to someone who will never be her match or true partner. You might find you can't 'perform' the functions necessary to have children.

If you go, your parents will have to accept that you didn't follow their path, so there's some social pain, embarrassment for them. However, your eventual life as openly gay won't be in their sight - and no risk of being outted in a way that's dangerous for them or you. It all comes down to this: we are given this ONE life and it comes with both sorrow and joy. Choose the sorrows you can bear, in exchange for the joy you deserve.

These Redditors rallied behind the OP’s quest for freedom, urging him to prioritize his happiness while offering practical ideas like financial support from afar. But do these takes fully grasp the weight of cultural duty, or are they too quick to cheer escape? This story’s got everyone rooting for his liberation.

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This tale of a young man’s defiance against tradition for the sake of his true self lays bare the cost of authenticity in a rigid world. His choice to seek freedom abroad isn’t selfish but a bold step toward joy, though it leaves his parents’ love tangled in cultural chains. It’s a stark reminder that family bonds can both nurture and confine. What would you do when faced with choosing between your truth and family expectations? Share your thoughts below!

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