AITA for not wanting to let my (22F) homeless friend (19M) stay at my place?

Jude Roberts Hours
Comments 0 Comments

When OP, a 22-year-old navigating lockdown’s financial squeeze, opened her flat to her 19-year-old friend Mike after he was kicked out for being gay, she expected teamwork. Instead, Mike ate her food, skipped chores, and partied till dawn, leaving OP broke and frustrated. Now, post-breakup and homeless again, Mike’s knocking on her door, but OP’s slamming it shut.

This tale of strained friendship and tough choices during a pandemic pulls us into a clash of compassion versus self-preservation. With friends guilting OP to step up, let’s unpack this sofa-surfing saga and figure out who’s really in the wrong.

‘AITA for not wanting to let my (22F) homeless friend (19M) stay at my place?’

My friend (Mike) was kicked out of his parents house because he came out as gay. He originally was staying with one of his siblings but they kicked him out after 8 months of being there. I felt really bad for him after I heard, I was in a similar position as a teenager after my dad died, so I allowed Mike to crash on my sofa until he could move in with his boyfriend.

I shouldn't have because its technically agaisnt my tenancy to have anyone else in the flat. (I spoke to my landlord and they allowed it simply because of The Rona) I told him that I wouldn't expect any money off of him for the first two months, I knew he had a bit of debt, all I asked was for him to help clean the place and buy some food. That didn't happen.

After a good couple months he still wasn't helping around the flat and he definitely wasnt buying food. I was running out of money really quick, my bills had gone up by a couple pounds a month and I was constantly buying food because Mike was eating everything before the end of the week.

I was already on half my usual pay because I lost my job at the beginning of lockdown so had to go onto benefits, I didn't need to be spending anymore money. When I asked Mike to buy some food he would say 'I'll go to the food bank next week' or 'I already bought food' and the food would be a takeaway just for him.

What made it worse was that this was all happening during the first lockdown, but he was sneaking out to see friends and his boyfriend and wasn't coming in until 5 or 6 in the morning, usually drunk and wanting food. Eventually his boyfriend was able to let mike stay at his but they recently broke up, and Mike was kicked out.

Now everyone is excepting me to take him in again. I've already said I won't do it because I can't afford it and it is technically agaisnt the law (even though my landlord is chill with it because of the current situation) but people keep saying 'theres a pandemic and he has no where else to go', and honestly I would but I can't be bothered to babysit him again.. AITA?

Edit: Wow. I was not expecting this amount of feedback. Today I spoke to a couple of mine and Mike's friends over video chat, as some people suggested. I explained that I wouldn't be able to look after him because my Landlord has asked me not to let people stay, again thank you for everyone who suggested this.

Most were ok with it but one friend, who Mike has been slowly trying to move in with, started having a go at everyone for 'being too harsh on Mike' and said his 'place isn't to be stayed in' to which a close friend of mine replied 'and you think throwRAmadcow's is?'.

After we all calmed down we decided to make a plan in terms of how we are going to help. We have a list of charities that can help, most cant do much until after lockdown is over, and we are making sure he will constantly look for accommodation within our local area.

Job wise we aren't sure as up until now he has always said that his mental health has stopped him keeping a job and he already get three times as much as I do in benefits for this reason. He just can't get full rent support until he is 25, it's only £250 for 18 - 25 year olds. I thank everyone for being so kind and giving me the courage to actually speak up.

ADVERTISEMENT

OP’s struggle is a stark reminder of how kindness can backfire when boundaries aren’t respected. By hosting Mike, OP showed empathy, especially given her own past hardships, but his freeloading pushed her to the brink. Clinical psychologist Dr. Ramani Durvasula notes, “Helping others shouldn’t come at the cost of your own stability” . Mike’s failure to contribute, despite OP’s clear requests, violated the unspoken contract of mutual respect.

Mike’s behavior—eating OP’s food, sneaking out during lockdown, and dodging responsibilities—suggests entitlement, possibly exacerbated by his youth and personal struggles. A 2021 UK study found that 47% of young adults faced financial strain during the pandemic, often relying on informal support like crashing with friends. Yet, Mike’s refusal to chip in, even minimally, burdened OP, already on reduced income.

Dr. Durvasula advises setting firm limits: “Clear communication about expectations prevents resentment.” OP’s decision to refuse Mike now is a boundary born of experience. She could still support him indirectly, like sharing charity contacts, as her friends did post-Reddit.

ADVERTISEMENT

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

Reddit didn’t hold back on this one—here’s the sassy scoop straight from the comments:

KTB1962 − NTA. He took advantage of your goodwill the first time, why allow him a second chance at doing it again?

Blibrin − NTA. Whoever “everyone” is, one of them can step up this time.

ADVERTISEMENT

[Reddit User] − LOL NTA. Laugh at anyone who expects you to take him in, and ask why don't THEY take him in? Honestly, you should have seen the warning sign when his siblings kicked him out. Did you try to find out why they kicked him out before agreeing to take him?

bigbuttfucker − NTA. Fish and houseguests start to stink after a few days. It sounds like he overstayed his welcome and exploited you the first time and there's nothing to suggest he won't do it again.. people keep saying 'theres a pandemic and he has no where else to go'. If they care that much, they should take him in and pay for him.

geeeorgieee − NTA. I’ve just had a similar situation with my brother who is mentally ill, but also aggressive and emotionally abusive. If Mike could afford to go out drinking, he could afford to chip in for his own food and it’s not fair for you to be struggling to help someone when they aren’t appreciative or respectful of your rules.

ADVERTISEMENT

If you’re up to it and are wanting to help him out, there’s tons of ways you can do so without it being burdensome to you - make him a (cheap) meal that he can freeze and reheat at wherever he manages to stay, let him use your Netflix account, even just listen to him talk for a while. You’re not a bad person or friend for not being able to help him out again.

If people ask why you’re not letting him stay, just be honest, “I’m not in a financial position/don’t have the emotional energy to be able to help Mike out right now,” And if they push and try to make you feel bad, ask them why they’re not able to take him in. I’m guessing that there’s a not insignificant reason for that.

Sneaky__Fox85 − NTA - He was a bad roommate who couldn't make the basic gestures of gratitude the first time you allowed him to stay with you, you have no reason to expect that things have changed. You don't have to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

ADVERTISEMENT

AstronomerPrevious71 − NTA. He took advantage of your kindness the first time around. You spoke to him about helping out, and he still did not care enough to get his act together. Sucks that he’s in that position,

but if people wanna guilt you about it, maybe suggest that they take him in. There’s a reason his siblings kicked him out as well. You can’t act up and expect others to just take it. He is not entitled to your space

AlleyBaron2021 − NTA. Your friend took advantage of you. They aren't no friend of yours.

ADVERTISEMENT

Techsupportvictim − NTA. You gave him a chance and he blew it. You don’t owe him a second chance. One of those “people” can take him in

BatKelli − Nta I understand that times are tough for him rn but if you take him back he is shifting all the worry and stress onto you. For the sake of your own mental health you shouldn’t invite him back. I do feel for him but you arent his mother and you dont owe him anything

These Reddit zingers are spicy, but do they cut through the mess or just stir it up? One thing’s clear: OP’s not alone in drawing a line against freeloaders.

ADVERTISEMENT

OP’s saga with Mike shows how fast goodwill can sour when one friend takes without giving. By refusing to host him again, OP prioritized her financial and mental health, even as peers pushed back with pandemic guilt trips. This story sparks questions about where compassion ends and self-preservation begins. What would you do if a friend leaned too hard on your kindness? Drop your verdict or stories below—let’s hash out this hospitality headache!

Share this post

Related Posts

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *