AITA for not wanting to cut my hair for my friends wedding?

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When a man with 15 years of long hair was honored to be a groomsman at his oldest friend’s wedding, he never expected a shocking demand: cut his hair to avoid “weird” photos, despite his neat ponytail. Refusing to sacrifice his identity, he was uninvited from the wedding party and now debates skipping the event entirely, feeling unwelcome.

This Reddit story, charged with personal expression and betrayal, echoes your own struggles with standing firm on your identity, like resisting pressure to alter your appearance for a family event or rejecting a friend’s overreach. Is he wrong to hold onto his hair, or is the groom’s request out of line?

‘AITA for not wanting to cut my hair for my friends wedding?’

I’m a guy who has had long hair for a very long time. No one is shocked by this or finds it offensive and I always tie it back and look respectable in photos. One of my oldest friends recently got engaged and asked me to be a groomsman. I was incredibly honored and would absolutely love to be in that role as I’ve never done it for anyone else and most likely won’t get the chance again.

Recently however he came to me and said he wants me to cut my hair because he doesn’t want the wedding photos to look weird if I have long hair along with the other bridesmaids. I was completely blown away by this and told them that there’s no way that would be happening and this is just the way I am, he knows this.

Still he persisted and said that if I’m unable to fulfill this request then I won’t be able to be a groomsman anymore. My other friends are telling me that I should’ve done this for him as it’s a once in a lifetime event and I can always just grow my hair back.

I’ve had long hair for as long as I can remember, over 15 years and it has always basically been my identity. I have no idea what I would look like and don’t want to have to look back at photos from this wedding where I felt uncomfortable. I’ve decided I won’t be going to the wedding as I don’t feel welcome.. Am I the a**hole?

Edit: Thank you all for the responses. I just thought I’d clarify about my hair as the question came up a few times that it is down to the middle of my back, straight, natural color (brown) and regularly trimmed. I typically wear it out day to day but will always tie it back into a ponytail when necessary and look totally normal.

I’m 50/50 still on whether to attend the wedding or not. There have been a few comments about whether this has come from the future wife and honestly I don’t know and don’t want to speculate. It is out of character for him but I understand it’s a stressful time.

Personal appearance is deeply tied to identity, and this Reddit user’s refusal to cut his long hair for a wedding reflects a stand for self-expression. The groom’s demand, prioritizing photo aesthetics over friendship, dismisses the user’s lifelong choice, mirroring pressures you’ve faced to conform for events or appease friends. Tying his hair back was a reasonable compromise, making the ultimatum seem excessive.

Dr. Carla Marie Manly, a clinical psychologist, notes, “Wedding expectations can pressure individuals to conform, but demanding appearance changes risks alienating loved ones” . The groom’s focus on “weird” photos suggests external influence, possibly from the bride, but his willingness to drop a friend over hair length questions the friendship’s depth.

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The user should consider attending as a guest to test reconciliation, as you’ve navigated strained ties, but only if he feels respected. A candid talk with the groom post-wedding might clarify intentions.

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

Reddit rallied behind the user, slamming the groom’s “groomzilla” demand and affirming his right to keep his hair, with some urging him to attend as a guest to preserve the friendship. Here’s their take:

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n0may0 - NTA f**k that! what a s**tty friend

[Reddit User] - NTA. When you ask someone to stand up in your wedding you are asking them as they are.

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TLynn7 - NTA. Sounds like a groomzilla.

MsWhatsit83 - NTA. I would think that wearing your hair tied back would be a sufficient compromise. But I'd encourage you to still go to the wedding as a guest. Some people go crazy over weddings and do s**tty things . . . but most of them come to their senses later.

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I think that you and your friend will eventually be able to get past this (though I wouldn't blame you if you never felt the same about him), but not going to the wedding at all will escalate the situation and make reconciling less likely.

Michael_Scotts_Foot - “Once in a lifetime event”. Yeah, for them. Duuuuude. People go way too crazy sometimes thinking that EVERYONE is just as excited about their wedding as they are. Newsflash, probably not.

Unless the food is good and you have an open bar, it’s not gonna be that great. So maybe don’t inconvenience your friends too much and definitely don’t ask them to semi-permanently alter their appearance if they don’t want to.

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witchdaisy - NTA. Keep your long hair. The fact that he is putting your appearance over having a good friend in his wedding party all for an aesthetic choice is shocking. I don’t understand the mentality of people getting married that feel they get a full on say about what personal appearance choices (such as fake tan, hair color/length) their wedding party has, and if they don’t follow it they’re threatened to be kicked out of the wedding.

[Reddit User] - NTA. You had long hair when he asked you to be a groomsman. It's not fair of him to ask you to change.. he doesn’t want the wedding photos to look weird if I have long hair along with the other bridesmaids. He **does** realize that yours would (presumably) either be down or in a regular ponytail, and not styled like the bridesmaids right?

theredgoldlady - NTA. I continued to be baffled by people who ask loved ones to be in a wedding party and then insist they change something about their looks.

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kt-bug17 - NTA. It takes **years** to grow your hair long. ***YEARS!*** You shouldn’t cut off *years* worth of hair length and then spend ***years*** growing it out again all just for some entitled person’s “vision for their perfect special day”. It’s your hair and you’ve worn it that way for a very long time. As long as it is clean and nicely styled for the wedding day the bride and groom have no grounds to complain about it.

Rezenbekk - NTA, of course you're not. But don't forget to inform him of your decision so that you'll be 101% in the clear.

Reddit’s cheering his stance, but are they missing the friendship’s potential salvage or just roasting the groom?

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This Reddit user’s refusal to cut his long hair for a friend’s wedding cost him a groomsman role and may keep him from the event, leaving him feeling betrayed. His story, like your own battles with personal identity, asks where self-expression meets wedding etiquette. Is he right to skip the wedding, or should he compromise to save the friendship? How would you handle a friend demanding you change your look? Share your thoughts or stories of standing firm on your identity!

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