AITA for not wanting to adopt my “dying” ex-girlfriends child?

Shirley Stafford Hours
Comments 0 Comments

In a quiet corner of a bustling city, a phone call shattered the calm of a man’s nomadic life. Years after a heart-wrenching breakup, his ex-girlfriend’s voice trembled through the line, carrying a plea that felt like a punch to the gut. Facing a terrifying cancer diagnosis, she asked him to adopt her young son—the boy who once called him “papa.” Caught between a past he’d left behind and a future he’s crafted for himself, the man’s refusal sparked a storm of emotions, leaving him questioning his choice.

The weight of this decision hangs heavy, tugging at heartstrings and moral compasses alike. For readers, it’s a story that mirrors life’s toughest dilemmas—balancing personal freedom against the pull of past promises. As the Reddit community weighs in, the debate rages: is he wrong to walk away, or is he simply protecting the life he’s built?

‘AITA for not wanting to adopt my “dying” ex-girlfriends child?’

I (31M) met my ex-girlfriend (29F) on a dating app \~7 years ago. She had a son (6 months at the time, she was with multiple guys and ended up pregnant, still doesn't know who's the bio father), but it wasn't that much of an issue since she seemed like great person and we had a lot in common. After few weeks of chatting and talking online, we went on a first date and had a great time.

After that we just started hanging out whenever she could and shortly after she introduced me to her son. Few months into our relationship, we moved in together to save money, since both of us were renting at the time. I started helping take care of her child whenever I could and we really grew fond of each other,

he even started calling me 'papa' and we just went along with it since my gf didn't mind. Almost 5 years into our relationship, she told me that she wants to break up because I became boring and not an active person like I used to be (we used to go on hikes and travel around the country on weekends) and that I work too much.

It was a rough time after that and I had a hard time accepting it (althought not as hard as having to explain a 5 year old that he'll no longer be seeing his 'papa') but I managed to get over it after few months, found a better job that allowed me to work remotely and had a lot of free time so I managed to explore few other countries.

Few days ago, I got a call from my ex. She said that she is sick and is in hospital, they removed one of her breasts but recently they found a tumour in her other b**ast and will need to have it removed as well. She is scared that she might die if it doesn't work out and asked me if I would be willing to become her son's legal guardian and adopt him,

since she has no one else to ask. I live a different lifestyle now, travel a lot and invest in myself, so I told her that I can't do that. She told me that her son misses me and would love to see me, but I said no again and she started crying and calling me names,

ADVERTISEMENT

before cutting the call.I talked to my sister and parents about this and they told me that it's a f**ked up thing to refuse it, after all those years spent with them. I feel like trash now... AITA for not wanting to adopt my 'dying' ex-girlfriends child?. ​

The OP’s dropped an update on the saga—curious? Click here to check it out!

ADVERTISEMENT

This heart-wrenching situation lays bare the complexities of blended families and post-breakup responsibilities. The OP faces a moral tug-of-war: his past connection to the child versus his current lifestyle. According to Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship expert, “Emotional boundaries in relationships are critical for personal growth, but they can clash with obligations to others” . Here, the OP’s refusal reflects a boundary set to preserve his freedom, while his ex’s desperation stems from a mother’s instinct to secure her child’s future.

The conflict highlights a broader issue: the emotional toll of non-biological parenting. Studies show that 40% of step-parents report feeling unappreciated or detached post-separation . The OP’s hesitation is understandable—re-entering the child’s life risks emotional upheaval, especially if the ex recovers. His ex’s reaction, though heated, reflects fear, not malice, as cancer patients often grapple with mortality-driven anxiety.

ADVERTISEMENT

Dr. Gottman’s research suggests open communication as a solution. The OP could explore temporary support options, like staying in touch with the child without committing to guardianship. This balances compassion with personal limits.

Here’s what Redditors had to say:

The Reddit crew dove into this emotional minefield with gusto, tossing out opinions like confetti at a heated family reunion. Some cheered the OP’s choice to prioritize himself, while others nudged him to reconsider for the child’s sake. Here’s the raw scoop from the crowd:

1962Michael − NTA. If my math is right, you broke up about 2 years ago, which is a long time for a young child. Of course he would remember you but it's not like you're close at this point. The chances of her dying in the short term are pretty low. Letting her know you are not available allows her to make different plans in the longer term.

Master-Manipulation − NAH but consider it. You did raise this kid for 5 years, but he hasn’t heard from you in 2 years. Has there been any other father figure in the kid’s life? Who’s caring for him now and are they willing to take him in after? Does ex have relatives or friends who would take the kid in?

ADVERTISEMENT

What about logistics of her surviving - cancer is scary but it can be treatable. Ultimately, I’m not going to call you the AH for saying no - it’s not your kid and it sounds like ex didn’t let you continue to be in kid’s life after the break up.

But I’m not going to say the ex is an AH for asking because cancer is scary, especially when you have a kid depending on you. It’s natural to feel upset, anxious, scared, and even desperate and want to plan for the worst case scenario

AmazingAmiria − NAH. You shouldn't feel guilty for refusing. It's also understandable why she chose you, and honestly, who can blame her for trying to make sure her son stays with someone she can trust, and someone that the kid loves? Her calling you names was wrong, but I guess she's under so much stress right now that her fear and frustration have probably taken over for that moment.

ADVERTISEMENT

TrickInteresting8032 − NTA. As much as I feel bad for the child, I can not really call you TA for moving on with your life. It's been 2 years which is a very long time. She took him with her without any regards to your or her child's feelings.

That's the thing I hate, you know, you can love a child that is not yours, provide for the child but ultimately you do not have any claims on them. Anyways, things have changed now and they are the past. Your lifestyle changed and you have your own plan which doesn't include either of them. If you don't want to, you don't need to change your lifestyle for them.

CupofCursedTea − NTA. This is not your child and not your responsibility. It sounds like you were a good father figure while your ex was in your life, but as soon as she ended things your responsibilities also ended.. Are we going to expect ex boyfriends to pay for children they didn’t father, now?

ADVERTISEMENT

If you wanted to bring this child back into your life, then I would say go for it. But if your lifestyle doesn’t suit a child - and one who would be suffering the trauma of losing his mother to boot - then it isn’t on either of your interests to do so.

Antici-----pation − NTA - But I would encourage you to really really think about this, and not instantly rule it out. It's NOT f**ked up for you to refuse it, but if it's true that she has no one else to ask then you might be saving this child, who is getting dealt a really s**t hand in all of this, from a really s**t life. At least strongly consider it, if you have the means.. But ultimately, if you decide against, it isn't on you.

JuliaX1984 − NTA First of all, make sure her story is true, and this isn't a scam to trick you into being financially responsible for her kid. Second, you are the best judge of if you could provide a good, stable home environment for a kid or not. If you can't, you can't.

ADVERTISEMENT

Third, if a man expected a woman to mother a kid who was not hers after he kicked her out of their lives, everyone would be screaming 'Misogynist!' No matter how much a parental figure loves a child, no one can expect them to believe they're obligated to maintain a parental mindset, hope for a parental role,

and expectation of parental duties years after the relationship has ended, especially involuntarily. Fourth, it doesn't sound like she apologized for breaking your heart and breaking up her son's family. Who knows what she's been telling him about why Papa left?. Fifth, he has a father *somewhere* who could very well want to know.

ResponsibleEgg9931 − Nta. I hate that all these comments are urging you to think it through, it seems like a nice way to try to guilt trip you honestly. You have thought about it, obviously, it’s a situation that happened to you. Ultimately, your decision was no. And that’s perfectly fine. That’s not your child, not your responsibility.

ADVERTISEMENT

You’re not even at fault for the breakup, that was also her decision. You are childfree for a reason. You don’t have to (even think about) uprooting your entire life for the next 10+ years. That is so much to take on; it would affect every single aspect of your life, for the rest of your life. Don’t beat yourself up over all of the comments urging you to rethink this.

You’ve made your decision, and I’m sure she will figure it out. You’re an ex boyfriend that hasn’t been in their life in years at this point. If you are the absolute only person that she can go to, that in itself speaks of a bigger issue. What type of person is she (and in turn raising her son to be) that she doesn’t have a single family member, friend,

anyone she can go to? How is somebody that she hasn’t spoken to in literal years the only person she has to ask for help? Something seems off with that so NTA 10 times over. She’s asking way too much from you

ADVERTISEMENT

ResponsibilityNo3245 − F**king hell, this is rough OP. I couldn't imagine being a father figure to a kid for 5 years then not being a part of their life any more, that's the position you were put in.. I don't want to call anyone the AH here, it's a s**tty situation all round.

grouchymonk1517 − NTA - so what happens if she survives? You're back in this kids life but now she doesn't need you so you're cut off again. That's not good for you or the child.

These Redditors brought fiery takes, from backing the OP’s freedom to questioning his ex’s motives. But do their snap judgments capture the full picture, or are they just stoking the drama?

ADVERTISEMENT

This story is a raw reminder that life’s toughest choices rarely have clear winners. The OP’s decision to say no carries the weight of a past love and a child’s trust, yet it also protects the life he’s rebuilt. His ex’s plea, born of fear, underscores the stakes of parenthood. Readers, what would you do if faced with a similar crossroads? Share your thoughts and experiences—how would you balance your heart’s pull against your life’s path?

For those who want to read the sequel: [UPDATE] AITA for not wanting to adopt my “dying” ex-girlfriends child?

Share this post
ADVERTISEMENT

Related Posts

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *