AITA for not wanting my husband’s d**g dealing daughter to come and live with us?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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A cozy family home, filled with the laughter of a 14-year-old girl, suddenly teetering on the edge of chaos. A woman stands at a crossroads, her heart torn between compassion and caution, as her husband pleads to welcome his 20-year-old daughter, fresh from prison, into their lives.

The stakes couldn’t be higher—worries of police banging on the door, shadows of a troubled past creeping in, and the bright future of their teenage daughter, Katie, hanging in the balance. The air crackles with tension as this blended family grapples with a dilemma: can they open their door to redemption without risking everything they’ve built? Readers, buckle up—here’s a tale of tough choices and tender bonds.

‘AITA for not wanting my husband’s d**g dealing daughter to come and live with us?’

My husband has a 20 year old daughter, 'Melissa', from a previous relationship. Melissa has always lived with her mum, but my husband and I have tried our best to be involved in her life. To be honest, she's always been a bit of a handful. Fairly bright at school but she got into a lot of fights and other things which resulted in her getting kicked out.

She then ended up going to facilities for other excluded kids which didn't do her any good either. When Melissa was 16, she began wearing nicer clothes when visiting us. Nice dresses and shoes etc. She even had a pair of cartier earrings. She claimed that a friend of her mum had taken her on as a cleaner, and we didn't disbelieve her.

I was glad she was making an effort to sort her life out. Two years later her mum's place was raided and Melissa was arrested for supplying drugs. She got a four year sentence, which here in the UK means she was released after two years. We visited her a few times in prison, and she seemed like she really wanted to go straight when she came out, and we wanted to fully support her.

She was released a month ago. We saw her and it all seemed OK. Unfortunately her mum called my husband a few days back, and said she'd found out Melissa is dealing again and so she wants her to leave. My husband said he doesn't mind his daughter staying here. I'm not so sure however.

I don't want to be raided by police if she gets caught again. We also have a daughter of our own together, 'Katie'. She is 14. I feel like Melissa would be a terrible influence on her. I wouldn't even put it past her to try to groom or recruit our daughter and use her to sell drugs at her school.

Husband and I have been arguing the past few days. He says Melissa has nowhere else to go. I understand that, but we have to think about the safety of our daughter and our home first. If her d**g dealing pays her enough to buy clothes and jewellery, then it can pay her enough to find somewhere to live.

Navigating a stepdaughter’s return after prison is like walking a tightrope—hope on one side, hazard on the other. This family’s clash pits a father’s loyalty against a stepmom’s instinct to shield her home and teen, Katie. Dad sees a chance to save Melissa, while the stepmom fears raids and bad vibes, both rooted in real risks—his heart’s in second chances, hers in stability.

This taps a bigger issue: blending families with baggage. The National Institute on Drug Abuse notes 1.5 million drug-related arrests in the U.S. in 2019 alone (nida.nih.gov), hinting at how past choices ripple into homes. Ex-offenders often struggle—jobs dodge them, old habits beckon.

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Dr. John Kelly, a psychology professor at Harvard, says in a 2021 Recovery Answers article, “Recovery is possible, but requires structure, support, and accountability” (recoveryanswers.org). Here, Melissa’s shot at a clean slate hinges on trust—yet her stepmom’s gut screams caution, especially with a teen in the mix. Dr. Kelly’s wisdom flags the need for boundaries to avoid chaos.

So, what’s the move? Talk straight—ask Melissa about her plans, her slips, and her support. A probation officer could link her to UK resources like the National Probation Service for job or counseling help. If she’s open, a trial stay with strict rules—no drugs, regular checks—might work. If not, a separate flat, maybe funded by dad, keeps peace without slamming the door. Balance hope with vigilance.

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Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

Reddit’s crew chimed in with gusto—here are some hot takes, served with a side of sass and savvy! Check out the raw pulse of the crowd:

DialPlumeria − NTA- because she could really affect your other daughter... Tell him this: if he harbors a known d**g dealer and you guys get raided, they can take.your other daughter away for child abuse/n**lect (for.having her near drugs). If he does bring her in, you should.move out with family because your daughters life might get ruined

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Dull-Status5016 − NTA- if Melissa gets caught with drugs in your home, CPS can get involved and your child can be taken away. Absolutely freaking not.

keeperbean − NTA. I've had my house raided before because of a roommate. It really really really sucks and can make you feel just violated as they tear up everything in your house. I still have holes in walls in my house. It was very scary to be woken up by my backdoor being slammed out of the frame and guns right in my face. This girl is I'm assuming an adult now and should be on her own.

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It sounds like she's had plenty of chances and you have a minor daughter to take care of who should always come first. She is litterally a child who shouldn't be around someone who can cause harm and disruption in the home. If she is selling drugs she will bring that into the home and she can bring a plethora of problems to your door-some as big enough to get your daughter killed.

dirtyworkoutclothes − NTA I would never ever let a “Melissa” around my kids. Ever. I would never want my kids influenced or endangered.

scrapqueen − NTA. Your husband thinks you should let a d**g dealer move in? Did he recently hit his head really hard? That's the only explanation I can think of for this type of new lunacy.

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SuzanneStudies − NTA. My daughter was Melissa. For the sake of my son, I had to tell her she could not move back home. Hardest decision I ever made. You cannot jeopardize your entire family to save someone who doesn’t want to be saved. Maybe some day she will want it. You’ll have to leave that up to her.. I’m sorry.

Master-Manipulation − NTA It’s your house too and you do need to think about the minor who is living under your roof over the adult who’s making money. Worse comes to worse, you may want to consider taking your daughter with you somewhere safe or kicking husband out

[Reddit User] − NTA. Aside from her negative influence, what happens if she keeps her merchandise in your house and it is raided? You could loose everything. There is too much risk taking her in.

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giantbrownguy − NTA. Bringing her in creates an unsafe space for your daughter. The only way this should be an option is if she shows she’s not dealing. If your husband and his ex are so concerned for her, they can rent her a place. You will get raided again, she’s already on the police radar and given she was caught, doesn’t seem bright enough to avoid them again.

anothersexykoalabear − NTA. But about to offer advice as someone from the UK, not America, because a lot of the comments are American, and whilst not wrong, don't apply here in the same way. First of all, there is a very high chance Melissa is vulnerable, and being used considering her age.

If she's involved in something such as County lines (highly possible considering age etc) then there could be a whole host of other hidden problems. I would seriously consider tackling this head on. Consider telling her you're aware that she's dealing again, and try and find out why.

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If she's being exploited, coerced, controlled or anything else then she may actually need help escaping the situation. There are resources that can help. Whilst Reddit on the whole and by the large are anti-police (don't get me wrong, having seen how American cops behave, I get it) but there's a whole bunch of officers in the UK who would assist if there was a need, and could make a difference.

The other problem in relation to this is if she ends up living alone the likelihood of her becoming even more heavily involved in criminality is high. Cuckooing is also a common issue. It may be that having been to prison she can't see any other paths forward for herself,

and just doesn't know how else to make money, especially considering how many jobs now require DBS checks. Whilst I think it's right to be worried about your 14 year old and the negative impact that her presence could have, if you or your husband feel able to at least have these conversations with her it would give you an idea about all of the risk factors.

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Yes they would be difficult conversations, but could also allow you to make unbiased decisions. If she's combative or unwilling to have them, then your answer becomes very obvious very quickly. Does she have a probation worker? If so that may be another path worth exploring as their may be more that can be done for her.

These spicy opinions light up the thread, but do they nail reality or just fan the flames? One ponders if Melissa’s a risk or a soul needing rescue—maybe both! The hive mind leans hard on safety, with a cheeky jab at dad’s logic.

This saga of family, risk, and redemption leaves us chewing on big questions. The stepmom’s torn—protect her teen or roll the dice on a stepdaughter’s fresh start? Dad’s heart pulls one way, safety another, and no one’s got a crystal ball. A sprinkle of hope, a dash of caution—maybe there’s a middle ground. What would you do if this landed on your doorstep? Drop your thoughts below—share your feelings, experiences, or wild ideas! How’d you balance love and limits here?

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