AITA for not telling my boyfriend I received my unemployment?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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In a cozy apartment filled with the faint hum of unpaid bills, a 28-year-old woman wrestled with a secret that weighed heavier than her empty wallet. She’d just received her unemployment check, a lifeline after her company’s collapse during the COVID storm. But her boyfriend, a charming 30-year-old with a knack for dreaming big and spending bigger, loomed like a financial tornado. His plans? Boats, vacations, and a $780 bass guitar for his buddy—none of which screamed “pay the rent.”

The tension bubbled as she guarded her secret, knowing his history of frittering away funds. His sister’s unexpected demand for a $5600 loan, casually promised without her consent, only deepened her distrust. Caught between honesty and self-preservation, she wondered if keeping quiet made her the villain—or just plain smart. Could you blame her for wanting to protect her future?

‘AITA for not telling my boyfriend I received my unemployment?’

I'm 28F and he is 30M. On mobile. I met him when I was 23 and we hit it off immediately. Everything seemed to be perfect, blah blah. However, after I landed a great job 2 years into our relationship, he slowly but surely stopped working all together. My salary was now doubled what he made and I guess he saw that as a reason to no longer have to work.

At first I thought it was depression so I didnt say anything. A year after that he was doing an odd job for his dad and ended up injuring his back. No surgery was required but it causes him some pain. This is now his excuse for not working; while he still does do odd jobs for his family, which he does get paid for; though not much.

Anyways, the job I worked for was forced to shut down due to Covid; laying off all 12k employees. Since I have been laid off he definitely has picked up more odd jobs and stuff and it is enough to get us by; though it's not nearly enough to pay any bills. I applied for unemployment in the beginning of April and I just received it a week ago.

During the time that I was waiting for unemployment he was becoming more and more impatient about receiving that money and expressing his desire to use that money to buy a boat or go on a week vacation and now he is talking about wanting to buy a Bass Guitar for $780 for his buddy. I told him I wasnt comfortable with any of that but he insisted that it would 'hardly put a dent' in the funds.

Now, given the fact that I want to use the money for more logical things (such as pay off my back bills, rent and fix my cars windshield) I dont want to tell him that I received the money. I know that as soon as he finds out he will start spending it and it will be gone before I even know what happened. The same thing happened when we got taxes.

So I was out at the shop getting some new tires and his sister shows up and sees me. She starts asking me a million questions about how I have money to put new tires on my car. I lied and said that my mom gave me some loaned money. She then said 'Good, I thought you got unemployment and are trying to hide the money'.

I asked her why she would think that and she said 'I just figured you guys changed your mind about helping me pay off my house taxes.' I must have had a weird look on my face because she then said 'Yeah Chris told me that you guys agreed to loan me $5600 to pay it off and I would pay you back $300 a month until I have it squared away.' I never agreed to that and I'm not giving her money.

This is just another reason why I do not want to tell him. So I spoke to my mom about it and she has mixed feelings. She said she understands why I want to hide it but she feels like I should be honest with him and tell him I did get it but he will not be using it. She said withholding the information from him would make me an AH. So AITA?

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Update: So I went to a local coffee shop to 'think' things over about all of this. My boyfriend saw me through the window (just my luck) and came inside and asked how I got the money to get coffee. So, I told him about the unemployment money and then told him that he will not have access to it because he is irresponsible with finances and I need to safe guard myself.

Initially he was offended but after I broke down and explained to him that I felt he has been using me for nearly 3 years and now involving his family. He instantly caved and saved he had no idea that I had ever felt like that and handed me my debit card.

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He says he is going to try to find a permanent job and get back on track; even claiming he 'lost himself in the moment' because he enjoyed being able to stay home and essentially be a 'house-husband'-his words, not mine.

He also called his sister in front of me (on speaker) and told her that their agreement had not been set in stone and that her expecting the money to be forked over to her was absurd. I guess we will see where this goes from here guys. Thank you so much for all your words of wisdom!

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This tale of hidden unemployment checks and lofty spending plans is a classic case of financial friction in relationships. Money disputes are a leading cause of breakups, with 41% of couples citing financial disagreements as a major issue. The woman’s boyfriend, coasting on her income for years, seems to treat her money as a shared piggy bank—without the sharing part.

Dr. Brad Klontz, a financial psychologist, notes, “Financial infidelity, like promising money to others without a partner’s consent, erodes trust as much as any betrayal” . Here, the boyfriend’s unilateral decision to pledge $5600 to his sister screams disrespect, while his frivolous spending ideas clash with her practical needs like fixing a car windshield. His back injury may limit his work, but leaning on her funds without discussion crosses a line.

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This situation reflects a broader issue: financial compatibility. Couples often clash when one prioritizes stability and the other chases instant gratification. Her secrecy, while not ideal, stems from a need to protect herself from his reckless habits. Open communication is key, but so is mutual respect for financial boundaries.

For her, setting firm boundaries is crucial. Experts suggest creating a joint budget to align goals, but only if both parties commit to transparency. She could propose a shared financial plan, emphasizing essentials like rent over luxuries. If he resists, it may signal deeper issues. Trust, once cracked, needs deliberate effort to rebuild.

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

Reddit didn’t hold back, serving up a spicy mix of support and shade. The community rallied behind her, with some urging her to sprint from the relationship faster than you’d flee a bad Tinder date. Here’s the unfiltered scoop:

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Baboobalou − NTA You need to protect yourself against this guy, and his family and friend. They seem to see your money as their's to spend as they want, and not consider you worked hard for it and have a life to pay for and future to plan. Do you really want to be with someone like this?

He's old enough to know better. If he doesn't at 30, I doubt he ever will. This is your money that you worked for. Full stop. Take it and run. Put as much as you can in your own savings account and use the rest to find yourself a new home. Don't put any of it in a shared account.

[Reddit User] − NTA. Extremely concerning your boyfriend is spending YOUR money before you’ve even gotten it. In his head is one thing (saying he wants to buy a guitar, wants a vacation, whatever) but promising it away to other people who then place expectations on it is another.. Have you told him about the conversation with his sister?

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Havinganoffday − NTA. And a huge f**king side note: RUN!

the_u_in_colour − Dude you need to break up. The red flags are flying high with this one. Let alone the fact he's a freeloader (mental health and disability seem to be excuses not to work after the fact),

and he's more than willing to throw around your money for his own frivolous luxuries. He made a commitment of thousands of dollars to someone else without your consultation.. Financial abuse is real and you need to get out before he sucks you for every dime. Run.. NTA.

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nippitybibble − Oh honey get out now. What has he been doing with your money for the last few years? I doubt this behavior is new. It's called financial infidelity - there's clearly been a serious breach of trust. Cancel that debit card and cancel the relationship before you end up in debt and wasting more years of your life with this AH.. NTA for protecting yourself.

Socialist7878 − NTA. he was becoming more and more impatient about receiving that money and expressing his desire to use that money to buy a boat or go on a week vacation and now he is talking about wanting to buy a Bass Guitar for $780 for his buddy Is he serious? You two are struggling to get by and he wants money so he can buy a boat, go on a vacation, or buy a guitar for his mate?

Very selfish of him. Now, given the fact that I want to use the money for more logical things (such as pay off my back bills, rent and fix my cars windshield) Good on you for wanting to use the money for things responsible. He clearly would not use the money responsibly if his first thoughts are to buy a boat or go on a vacation.

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I dont want to tell him that I received the money. I know that as soon as he finds out he will start spending it and it will be gone before I even know what happened. Okay, well done. Once again, he sounds immature and irresponsible and you sound much more mature and responsible than him so you are justified here.

So I was out at the shop getting some new tires and his sister shows up and sees me. She starts asking me a million questions about how I have money to put new tires on my car.. Why on Earth does she need to know? She sounds invasive.

She then said 'Good, I thought you got unemployment and are trying to hide the money'. I asked her why she would think that and she said 'I just figured you guys changed your mind about helping me pay off my house taxes.'

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Please, get yourself away from your boyfriend and his family. They sound toxic, manipulative, immature, and irresponsible. You deserve better.. She said withholding the information from him would make me an AH.. It would not. You are NTA, and please break up with this man already.

fecklessrachel − NTA for not telling him, but I am sure we all know there are some conversations that need to happen. Also, what the hell with his family expecting your money, too.

_saturnish_ − NTA and he's financially using you. Why are you with him? What does he bring to the relationship *currently*? I saw what he did in the past, but you don't seem too enthralled now.

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YesNoMaybe_IMO − NTA - And some serious red flags. Any money you receive is meant for *you* to use however you want to. It's really concerning that your boyfriend has laid claim to any of it let alone promising his friend a bass guitar,

or his sister any help to pay off her own loan. I wouldn't tell him about it, but I would seriously consider whether or not someone who has volunteered your money for anything other than taking care of you is worth keeping around.

Andreaxox − NTA. Your boyfriend sounds a bit unrealistic & should be considering your future together ( $780 guitar for a friend is actually a big amount that could go toward a vacation in the future & considering everything with COVID it’s not a bad idea to SAVE that money.

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Had a lot of us known this pandemic was going to happen I believe a lot of us would have been saving money to prepare for these hard times, surely he should recognize that. I do think communication is really going to be key here because a lot,

of people break up due to finances & it really is something you both should be able to talk openly about which I think is lacking a bit on both ends considering he hadn’t told you about offering his sister money.

Also I find it really uncomfortable & rude that she would ask you where you got the money for your car & I think you need to set boundaries with her because that’s not okay. However that’s a different discussion that you could express to your boyfriend potentially.

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These Redditors cheered her caution but questioned her boyfriend’s motives. Some saw his promises to change as genuine; others smelled manipulation. Do these hot takes capture the full story, or are they just adding fuel to the drama?

This story lays bare the messy dance of love and money. Her choice to hide the unemployment funds wasn’t about deceit but survival in a relationship where trust was on shaky ground. His promises to change offer hope, but actions speak louder than words. Rebuilding trust requires both to align on financial priorities. What would you do if your partner treated your money like their personal playground? Share your thoughts and experiences below!

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