AITA for not taking care of my disabled daughter?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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In a quiet hospital room twelve years ago, a couple faced a heart-wrenching decision that would shape their lives forever. The air was thick with tension as doctors delivered sobering news about their unborn child’s severe disabilities, sparking a rift that never fully healed. Fast forward to today, a father finds himself at a crossroads, torn between his past promises and his present family. His ex-girlfriend’s desperate plea for help with their disabled daughter, Molly, stirs up guilt, duty, and tough choices that resonate with anyone who’s juggled family obligations.

The story unfolds with raw emotion, as Sarah, Molly’s devoted mother, grapples with the relentless demands of caregiving. Readers can’t help but feel the weight of her exhaustion and the father’s dilemma, wondering where responsibility begins and ends. This tale isn’t just about one family—it’s a mirror for broader questions about sacrifice, love, and the limits of obligation, pulling us into a narrative that’s as compelling as it is complex.

‘AITA for not taking care of my disabled daughter?’

Some background info I (41M) have disabled daughter “Molly” (11F) with my ex-girlfriend “Sarah” (37F). This all started 12 years ago. Me and Sarah were together for about 4 years and we were trying to have a baby. After couple weeks of trying she got pregnant and we were super exited.

Unfortunately in her 4th month doctors told us that our baby is severely disabled and advised us to get an a**rtion. It was very hard on us. We started arguing a lot, because Sarah wanted to keep the baby and I didn’t. I said I don’t want to spend my whole life taking care of a child and throw everything away, but Sarah didn’t want to “kill” the baby.

We argued about this every day. Eventually it became too much and we broke up. We still kept in contact with each other as “friends”. Couple months later she went into labour, I came into the hospital with her to support her. As the doctors said Molly was born severely disabled, they kept her in the hospital for couple of weeks and then gave her to Sarah.

She took her to her house and I visited them couple times. Within the next months I got a job offer and moved away to another city. Me and Sarah are still in contact and I send then money every month, but we meet each other very rarely (about once in 2 years). So now Molly is 11 years old.

She is bound to a wheelchair and will never walk. She has a mind of a 3 year old and can’t speak. Sarah left everything to take care of her, she is at home with her 24/7, because Molly is unable to do anything on her own. They get state contributions since Sarah can’t go to work and I send them money.

I have a wife now and two daughters (5y.o) and we live about four hours drive away from Sarah. Sarah has called me last week saying that it’s too much on her. She said she does nothing else than take care of Molly and she is tired. She gave up on her carrier, bobbies, friends and everything.

She asked me to start taking care of Molly as well. She asked if I could have her in my care at least one week every two months in the beginning and after I know how to take care of her then maybe more often. I talked about it with my wife and we both agreed we don’t want to take care of Molly.

I apologized to Sarah and instead I offered to pay for a professional to take care of her or to pay some facility to take her in, but Sarah refused. She doesn’t want a stranger to take care of Molly nor put her away in a facility. I feel really bad for Sarah, but I have a responsibility to my two daughters and my wife now.

I talked about it with my parents and they understand and don’t blame me but I feel like i might be TA. EDIT : Comments got disabled and I can’t respond to anything. If you want to ask me or give judgments you send a direct message.

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Navigating the care of a severely disabled child can feel like walking a tightrope without a net. The father’s refusal to take Molly into his home, while offering financial support, highlights a clash of personal boundaries and parental duty. Sarah’s exhaustion is palpable, yet his reluctance stems from a life built apart, with new responsibilities. Both perspectives carry weight, reflecting a deeper tension between individual choice and shared responsibility.

This situation underscores a broader issue: the immense burden on caregivers. According to the National Alliance for Caregiving, 53 million Americans provide unpaid care, often at great personal cost, with 61% reporting stress or burnout. Sarah’s isolation mirrors this reality, as full-time caregiving can erode careers, hobbies, and social ties, leaving caregivers like her in a silent struggle.

Dr. Lisa Holloway, a family therapist quoted in Psychology Today, notes, “Caregiving demands a village, not a lone hero. Shared responsibility, whether through family or professional support, is critical to sustainability.” Her insight suggests Sarah’s resistance to external help may stem from emotional attachment, yet it risks her well-being. The father’s offer of professional care aligns with this, though it misses the personal connection Sarah craves.

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To move forward, exploring respite care options could ease Sarah’s load without removing Molly from her home. Programs like those offered by Medicaid, as noted by some commenters, provide trained in-home support, tailored to Molly’s needs. Both parents might also consider long-term planning, such as residential facilities with strong reputations, to ensure Molly’s future care. Open dialogue, perhaps with a mediator, could bridge their gap, balancing empathy with practicality.

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

Reddit’s take on this saga is as spicy as a potluck chili, with users dishing out candid, colorful opinions. Here’s what the community had to say, unfiltered and straight from the thread:

itchybottombees − NTA. You offered to pay for a solution, which is very generous. I hate to say it but this is what she signed up for when she decided to continue the pregnancy

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loudent2 − Look no judgement but in-home care of Molly is not sustainable long run. Eventually you and her mom will not be around/capable so you need to find her a good home where she can be cared for a live her best life. The good ones have long waiting lists so you should be looking into those \*now\*. Honestly, Molly's mother should have been looking into them before she reached her breaking point.

justbored123234 − NTA Everyone has the right to choose. You made it clear your choice on this pregnancy, she decided to do this not you. I’m sorry I think it’s so morally wrong to have baby’s you know will only ever suffer

[Reddit User] − NAH. Sarah wasn’t wrong to ask for help but you weren’t wrong to tell her that you can’t take care of Molly in your home either. If you aren’t confident in your ability to provide her the care she needs, it wouldn’t be fair to Molly either. That said, I would encourage both of you to look into the resources available to help with Molly’s care. There are in home options available that Sarah may be more comfortable with.

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sicksvdwrld − NTA at all You made it clear that you wanted to abort, and she was on her own if she didn't. Nobody can be forced to parent.. You're also helping financially and offering professional care.. This is, unfortunately, the consequences of her choice.

[Reddit User] − NAH and this is also the reason so many people choose to abort a fetus with abnormalities. It’s all very high minded and noble to say you will look after your child and love them unconditionally but being a full time carer is a really tough job and it’s even harder without any support.

You’ve already offered to pay for a caregiver so you’re NTA. In the long term it’s possible your daughter will need to be cared for in a facility rather than at home (especially when her mum gets older). Sad situation all around

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PUNCH-THE-SUN − NTA. My sister is disabled. Looking after her destroyed not only my parents relationship, but any chance they had of forming a relationship with myself and my other siblings as all hours were spent taking care of the disabled child. I don't think of my parents as family, and it's not their fault, but literally there was no time for us normal kids.. Putting her in a home with a professional carer is the best option.

Piemandinoman − How are you, a father who hasn't really seen her in over 10 years for any extended time (at least from how your post made it sound), not a stranger? That argument alone doesn't really make sense. I understand why she would want you to do it,

but you made it clear in the start that's not what you wanted and even split up because of it. She made her bed, but now refuses to lie in it. From what you offered, you're willing to help financially, but expecting you to uproot your new life when you didn't even want to previously, is just wrong.. NTA

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MrRobertSox − NAH. Everybody is making the best of a very difficult situation. You are all trying in good faith to meet your responsibilities. You were honest, communicative, and upfront about your intentions. Yet you are still financially supporting the child. I am so sorry that Sarah and you are having such a difficult time in your lives. I wish you all the best.

Pretend-Panda − NAH.. This is a terrible situation and I am so sorry. If Molly is on Medicaid, many states have respite care homes. These are homes which are fully and appropriately equipped for disabled children and adults, and the folks who run them are well trained.

There are also respite care workers, who will go into Molly and Sarah’s home, be trained by Sarah on how to care for Molly and provide that care in the home. Everywhere I know of, respite is allocated based on intensity of need. High need clients get more respite care time allocated.

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Is it possible for you to do some research on the respite programs available in Sarah’s state and help her work through which one she thinks would be a good starting point? Also, Sarah needs to be considering what will happen to Molly if Sarah predeceases her or is otherwise incapacitated.

I’m sorry, and I know that’s a shite thing to bring up (more sorry!) but people often do not think about the long term care of their disabled children, or assume that family will just take them in somehow, and as you know those expectations are unrealistic.

These hot takes light up the debate, but do they capture the full picture? Or are they just armchair quarterbacking a messy, real-life dilemma?

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This story leaves us pondering the delicate dance of duty, choice, and compassion. The father’s decision, Sarah’s struggle, and Molly’s needs weave a tapestry of tough questions with no easy answers. It’s a reminder that family ties can stretch across years and miles, yet still tug at the heart. What would you do if caught between past promises and a new life? Share your thoughts—how would you navigate this emotional minefield?

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