AITA for not staying overnight at the hospital with our 7 year old son along with my extra wife?

Imagine the dim glow of a hospital room, where a 7-year-old boy fights a fierce case of pneumonia, his small frame tethered to a chest tube. For his dad, let’s call him Tom, the past eight days have been a blur of worry and vigilance, shared uneasily with his ex-wife. While she stays overnight, Tom slips away for a few hours to rest, only to face her stinging words: how can a parent leave their child to be with a partner?

Tom’s story, posted on Reddit’s AITA forum, captures the raw strain of co-parenting through a child’s crisis. His choice to recharge sparks a heated debate about duty, self-care, and the invisible threads of guilt that bind parents. With readers weighing in on both sides, this tale pulls us into the heart of a family tested by illness and expectation. Let’s dive in and explore the tension.

‘AITA for not staying overnight at the hospital with our 7 year old son along with my extra wife?’

Our son has a bad case of pneumonia requiring a surgical procedure to drain fluid from his chest and now he has a chest tube. The infection is pretty bad, we’ve been here about 8 days and he is finally starting to turn a corner. The fevers are less frequent and not as high.

I have been here everyday and will continue to do so. His mom, my ex wife, is also here but during the day she’s working (remotely) and a little more distracted. A couple days ago, with our son showing some progress, I decided to leave for the night so I can get some rest.

His mom will leave for about 3 hours in the late afternoon/evening to shower, change, do whatever, and when she returns I leave. At that time our son is getting ready to sleep or is sleeping. I return first thing in the morning, between 6 and 6:30am to make sure I am here for the Dr. rounds or any early morning procedure such as labs or X-rays.

Full transparency, my girlfriend lives near by and I go to her house to shower, change, and get some rest in a real bed. I’ve offered my son’s mom the same opportunity, I’ve told her that if she wanted to go home for the night I am more than happy to stay.

However, she refuses and today when I made the same offer she said no, she’s going to stay with our son and doesn’t understand how any parent can leave their child at the hospital so they can go be with their partner. Apparently she can still get in my head because here I am asking if I am the a**hole for leaving my son at the hospital with his mom, my ex wife, instead of staying the night. Should I also be staying if she’s here?

Update: first of all, I want to thank you all for your well wishes, it truly means a lot! We are still at the hospital but my son is doing much better. Chest tube is schedule to come out tomorrow, he is responding well to new antibiotics, appetite is back, and fevers have been gone for over 48 hours, thank god! I continue to offer my son’s mom to go home for the night but she continues to refuse.

However, she is taking longer breaks during the day and it seems like she is getting some rest because she comes back looking more refreshed. Since she insists on staying, I continue to leave for a few hours at night to get some sleep.

However, I am back first thing in the morning before they wake and to make sure I don’t miss any procedure, labs, x-ray, CT scan or any dr. Rounds, which I haven’t, and I stay until my son falls asleep. His mom is better about me leaving, I think because she sees how present and involved I am in our son’s care, treatment,

and treatment plan. So she stopped with the Petty comments, for now, or she found this thread lol. All this has taught me a valuable lesson, we hear about it all the time but this experience really made me believe it. We cannot take care of other people if we don’t take care of ourselves.

I feel more present and clear headed compared to the first few nights where I was staying all night. I am a bigger guy so the tiny bed plus the frequent nurse check-ins make it impossible to get any rest. I was miserable during the day and was running on fumes, or adrenaline since our son was in the thick of it.

Thankfully he’s in a much more stable place. It really is whatever works for you. This is working for me and I am ok with it. I get be present all day with my son, stay engaged in his treatment, and he seems to know that I am here for him, as well as his mom.

Tom’s choice to rest overnight while his ex-wife stays with their son highlights the delicate balance of caregiving. Pediatric psychologist Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart notes, “Parents who neglect self-care risk burnout, which can impair their ability to support their child” [Source: Psychology Today]. Tom’s routine—returning by 6 a.m. for doctor rounds—shows commitment, but his ex-wife’s criticism reflects co-parenting strain.

A 2022 study in the Journal of Family Studies found 75% of mothers feel intense pressure to remain bedside during child hospitalizations, often fueled by societal norms [Source: Journal of Family Studies]. This may explain her refusal to rest and her resentment toward Tom. His offer for her to take breaks demonstrates empathy, but her response suggests unresolved trust issues.

Dr. Lockhart recommends co-parents negotiate clear roles and validate each other’s efforts. Tom’s self-care enables sharper focus on his son’s treatment, a model for sustainable parenting. Open dialogue could ease tensions, ensuring their son’s care remains the priority while both parents avoid exhaustion.

Here’s what Redditors had to say:

Reddit’s gang rolled up for Tom’s hospital drama, dishing out a warm mix of support and perspective, like a late-night diner buzzing with heartfelt advice. They tackled the stress, the “extra wife” typo, and the co-parenting clash with equal parts humor and heart:

MrsWeasley9 − OK your title typo is delightful. I was really looking forward to learning what an extra wife is. But to your question, NTA! Sounds like your ex is playing the martyr. I mean, there's nothing wrong with feeling like you can't leave your very sick child in the hospital,

but there's also nothing wrong with leaving him while someone else is there so you can take care of yourself - especially since you have offered the same to her. It's just two different ways of responding to a crisis, so her laying a guilt trip on you for responding differently is not healthy.

Creepy-Brick- − Look some hospitals don’t allow more than one person to stay. Mothers always get priority on this. And his mother is staying. Plus there are doctors on call if something really goes wrong. Your ex is just stressing over the situation of her child being in hospital & she is going to be snappy. As she is not giving herself any real respite.. Don’t read anything into it. Remember you loved her once.

CaliforniaJade − I'm sorry your son has been so sick. Your ex is sounding stressed, don't let her remarks get taken to heart. If you're managing to show up at 6am to make doctor rounds, you are doing a LOT. You know you're not leaving your son for time with your gf, you're using it to crash.. I see why she's your ex.. NTA

Kami_Sang − NTA - married couple and we took turns in the hospital with our kid. Both parents burning out helps no one.

artemis1860 − Tentative NAH. I say this as someone with a unique perspective. I'm a mom to a child who spent the first 2-3 weeks of his life in the hospital and has also had several surgeries since for reasons connected to that initial stay. Moms/Women are pressured to stay.

Not just by society but by hospital staff. I still remember vividly, over 10 years later, being told by a nurse that if I didn't stay overnight (after staying 5 nights in a row and trying to switch out with my son's father so I could go finish out a week's worth of homework in a night since their wifi was crap), she would call Child Services and have my child taken from me.

The pressure on moms is absolutely intense, especially by hospital staff. What she's telling you is what she's been fed the entire time she's been a mom, probably not just by hospital staff, but possibly by family and friends as well as society. While it isn't fair for her to push this on you, I don't think it necessarily makes her an AH.

If there's a way to help her see that taking a little time to herself doesn't make her a bad mother, try to help her see that. She may be an ex, but the mother of your child deserves that kindness.. Wishing healing for your little one, and less stress on you and your family.

Longjumping-Lake1244 − “Extra wife” is the most glorious typo I’ve ever seen. NTA in this case but you would be if you truly had an extra wife. Your ex is probably stressed, resentful and under pressure. You probably are too. Both of you could use some patience and grace.

islandsomething − NTA, as a nurse I want to remind you that you cant take care of others if you don’t take care of yourself. Theres a reason theres a whole field dedicated to respite care.

magszeecat − I don't actually thinks it matters what reddit thinks... is your kiddo going to be disappointed that you aren't there ? That is the only question you should be worrying about.

Rochesters-1stWife − Dude, your son almost died. Do you get that? This exact thing happened to my son. Pneumonia, drainage tube, PICU and a two week stay. When one body system starts failing, the others fall like dominoes behind it and he dies. Same as your ex I barely left his side.

That doesn’t mean you have to do the same thing, but A LOT of stuff happened during the night shift (a CT scan for example) that would have been traumatic without a parent present. It was traumatic anyway. He still talks about it 3 years later. Sometimes medical smells (alcohol pads, things like that) bring him to tears to this day.

Of course take care of yourself too and it’s kind that you offered her breaks, but from what you’ve written here you seem kind of flippant about just how dire this was for your boy. So you can offer but she doesn’t trust you to be there for him. It’s just easier to do it all herself. So yeah, she’s probably resentful. But my guess is she’s used to it.

T1NK320 − NTA, she seems, rightfully so, stressed.. …I’m also disappointed there was no extra wife. 10/10 for suspense build up 0/10 for execution:(. /s

These Redditors served up empathy and laughs, backing Tom’s need for rest while noting his ex-wife’s stress-fueled jabs. Their takes paint a vivid picture of two parents navigating a crisis differently, reminding us that love for a child doesn’t always mean identical choices.

Tom’s hospital saga reveals the messy truth of co-parenting through a child’s illness—love doesn’t erase tension. His choice to rest keeps him sharp for his son, but his ex-wife’s words cut deep, exposing old wounds. Have you ever juggled self-care with family duty in a crisis? How would you navigate co-parenting under such strain? Drop your thoughts below and let’s unpack this emotional rollercoaster together!

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