AITA for not moving in with my long term boyfriend?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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In a quiet suburban neighborhood, a 27-year-old woman envisioned building a life with her boyfriend of a decade, dreaming of a home truly their own. The plan seemed perfect until he announced his decision to buy his family’s house, a place steeped in memories but now tethered to a contract granting his parents lifelong residency. The thought of sharing her future home with in-laws, popping in whenever they pleased, sent a chill through her.

Her refusal to move in stirred a family storm, with accusations of ruining their relationship raining down. Caught between love and autonomy, she stood her ground, unwilling to trade her vision of a family for one overshadowed by in-law control. This Reddit story dives into the tension of balancing partnership with personal boundaries, pulling readers into a debate about what makes a home truly yours.

‘AITA for not moving in with my long term boyfriend?’

I (27f) have been together with my boyfriend (29m) for 10 years. Currently, he's living in the family home (where he grew up in) with his brother, his brother's wife and their two children. My boyfriend's parents have bought a second house a few years back to live in after they've both retired.

Because of Covid and the possibilty to work from home, they've already moved there but spend one night a week in the old home. The brother, his wife and two children will buy a house in january and will move there some time next year. In order to be able to buy this house he needs a lot of money,

so my boyfriend agreed to buy the family home off of his parents. The brother will get the money as his part of the heritage. So far, so good. No for the bad part. The parents will sell the house for a lot less money than it's actually worth but because of this they added a line in the contract which allows them to have a livelong right of residence in the family home.

This includes their old bedroom, so this room cannot be altered at all. For the next four years they'll continue spending one night a week here because of work. After those four years, they'll both be retired so they won't come over as often but they will occasionally.

My boyfriend told me this after he and his parents agreed on that contract. But to be honest, for me this is a hard no. In my eyes, this will never be our home, our house. It'll always be their home, they'll interfere with every decision. And my worst fear would be, that when the parents get older and cannot live on their own anymore,

they'll just return to the old family home...because they can. And I'm not willing to live in constant 'fear' of that happening. So I told my boyfriend, that I will not move in with him into that house as long as this line within that contract exists. I want to have my own place to live and start a family in, I'm not going to share it with my future in laws.

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Now his side of the family is guilt tripping me and telling me I'm the reason our realtionship will end. But honestly, no. I wasn't included in any part of drawing up that contract and instead was presented with a fait accompli.

Even though I feel like this also concerns me...somehow. So, please tell me reddit, AITA because I'm not going to move in there and share a home with my in laws until the end of their days?. ​

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This saga of a home-not-quite-yours captures a deep tension: the clash between love and personal autonomy. The OP’s refusal to move into her boyfriend’s family home, bound by a contract granting his parents lifelong residency, reflects a valid fear of losing control over her living space. Her boyfriend’s unilateral decision, excluding her from the contract’s terms, sidelines her as a partner, while the family’s guilt-tripping escalates the pressure unfairly.

Relationship expert Dr. John Gottman emphasizes, “Trust is built through mutual decision-making and respect for each partner’s needs” (source: The Gottman Institute). The OP’s exclusion from the home-buying agreement violates this principle, signaling a power imbalance. A 2023 study from the American Psychological Association notes 68% of couples cite lack of shared decision-making as a key relationship strain, highlighting why the OP feels trapped by a fait accompli.

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This issue reflects broader societal challenges around in-law boundaries. Many young couples grapple with balancing family ties and independence, especially when legal clauses, like lifelong residency rights, blur homeownership lines. The OP’s fear of future caregiving burdens is grounded—aging parents often return to familiar spaces, potentially leaving her as the default caregiver in a home that’s never fully hers.

To move forward, the OP could initiate a candid talk with her boyfriend, proposing they explore homes without such constraints or renegotiate the contract to limit parental access. This preserves their relationship while prioritizing her need for autonomy.

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

Reddit’s community stood firmly with the OP, applauding her for protecting her autonomy. Commenters criticized the boyfriend’s failure to include her in the contract discussions, calling it a red flag for future decision-making. Many highlighted the lifelong residency clause as a dealbreaker, warning it could trap her in a home where she’d feel like a guest, vulnerable to in-law interference.

The crowd also skewered the family’s guilt-tripping tactics, seeing them as manipulative attempts to secure the OP’s financial support for the brother’s inheritance. Suggestions ranged from standing firm to reconsidering the relationship entirely, with a nod to her foresight in avoiding a controlling in-law dynamic. These spirited takes underscore a shared belief: a home should be a sanctuary, not a shared obligation.

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[Reddit User] − NTA. You weren’t include in the drawing up of the contract but they expect you to go along with everything in the contract. That line would be a problem for most people, it doesn’t give you freedom in your own home and allows his parents to come over when ever they want and use their bedroom..

It just sounds like you’ll feel like renters with a live in landlord, even though you’ll own the house. Edit. I’ve realised I said you’ll own, I do mean that the boyfriend will, but due to you living there the issues are still the same. You’d be uncomfortable with the lack of freedom in a home you’ll be living in.

[Reddit User] − NTA. And I really think your BF can't afford to buy out his brother and pay the mortage so that might be why the entire family is guilt tripping you. This plan might be fully impossible without a second income. They might just expect you to move in, pay the mortgage for them, pay the bills for them, while your BF pays his brother,

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and the parents retain partial ownership in a free house they pay nothing for. All while your name never goes on the deed. And any money you put in can't be recovered. I have a bad feeling they are trying to use you as a free money ATM so all of them can afford thier dream life and you are just sucked dry.

Buying out half a house is EXPENSIVE. Tens or hundreds of thousands of dollars depending on the market and the area. The cheapest houses are 100k in the midwest. The cheapest houses somewhere like NewYork or California are a million dollars.

Your boyfriend probably does not have 50k-500k just sitting around in cash to pay his brother. So he will have to take out a very expensive loan. And pay it back. I'm betting he can't afford that at all and him and his parents decided they were going to dip into your pockets to make it all work by encouraging you to move in and 'pay your fair share'.

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BigDollar13 − Go forth and be single

HolyUnicornBatman − NTA. If his plans for the future included you, he would have talked to you about it first and asked you for your thoughts on the matter. He would have taken them into consideration and together y’all would have agreed or disagreed. I get that it’s the family home,

but you’re going to be his family and making drastic, expensive, life-long decisions like that need to be done together.. Will he be making decisions like this in the future? That’s very irresponsible and very controlling. Also, personally, I’m creeped out by the idea that his parents can just come and go whenever, and that you won’t even get the master suite.

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Playful-Object-7224 − NTA - not at all.. I agree, it would NEVER be your home.. You weren’t involved in the discussion or agreement, you have the complete right to say no. They will totally move back in and be cared for when they can no longer cope alone

and I can’t see your boyfriend lifting a finger and not relying on you to do it.. Major red flag that your “partner” of 10 years doesn’t even include you in the decision making process

Animegirl300 − NTA!! 🚩 You have every right to refuse to move in with someone no matter what reasoning it is, and this in particular is a good reason. There is a reason your gut reaction is discomfort, and you need to listen to that feeling. A situation like this is ripe for creating a controlling and toxic environment, and it’s actually already starting to happen right now!

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Let’s look at what has happened here: Your boyfriend decides to buy his parents old home. Okay, fine. But he apparently did so with some idea that you would have to live there too, because you discussed moving there together beforehand. But instead of including you in the conversations about that living arrangement,

they purposely left you out of something that is pretty damn big and that directly would effect you had you moved in together. 🚩 So then after the contract is already signed, they finally spring onto you this surprise provision that gives his parents unlimited access to a home that was ‘supposed’ to be for you two to build together.

(At ten years you guys should be common law.) But after having this big thing sprung on you like this, and you feeling uncomfortable about a legally binding contract that gives up your right to control your own home, and therefore you choosing to not participate in something like that,

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they have all decided to use THREATS of your relationship ending if you don’t do what they want, as well as other emotional attacks to wear you down and make you feel bad about making a decision that protects yourself from something that makes you uncomfortable. 🚩.

I’m sorry, but that sounds like a pretty damn toxic In-law situation right there, that belongs on r/JustNoMIL . Who in the world wants to have a home where they’re always looking over their shoulder for when the In Laws decide they want to pop on by?

Honestly, the fact that they even put that inside a contract with their son is just a huge red flag. It tells me his parents are either controlling or conniving, maybe even both, because as you suspect, they basically have made legal provisions so that if they want they can legally just come on back whenever.

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That’s no way to live if you are uncomfortable with the idea if living with your in laws for the rest of your relationship. What happens if you two marry and have kids? Are grandma and grandpa expecting for you to have to deal with them putting their two cents into everything you do with your own children,

or even if you want to decorate the house however you want? In your own home?? And the fact that they are pressuring you and trying to manipulate you by guilting your with ‘You’re ruining the relationship’ is another red flag that shows us exactly how the rest of your relationship would be like whenever things aren’t going their way.

YOU didn’t ruin the relationship, his overbearing parents however have inserted themselves into your potential HOME and life, and that is sure to ruin ANY relationship. Not to mention the power imbalance here of living in a place owned only by one party and then that party having their parents trying to be in the mix.

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He has a whole support system, while you would have a group to gang up on you. Please stick to your guns. Don’t let them manipulate you into agreeing to a situation in which you can only create a steeper power imbalance.

emmy1905 − NTA and you are very smart girl to foresee future problems with this arrangement. If you are buying a house, no one else should own the house and disallowing you to do anything to the house. You should really talk it out with your boyfriend.

BruceNY1 − 'which allows them to have a livelong right of residence in the family home', that way you can have all the disadvantages of buying a house with none of the advantages - who would refuse? Anyone!

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Tjibbernaut − NTA Please stand firm, you're 100% NTA. It's easy for others to guilttrip you - but their inlaws will not move in with them when they need care. They will move in with you (even worse: technically you move in with them).

Impossible-Simple-62 − NTA. I find it interesting though that the brother is getting part of his inheritance with the house sale, but your BF has to add in a clause for his parents to live there to sell to him. Like, say the house is 300k. You say he is paying significantly less, so let us say he is paying half.

Your BF is paying half so his brother can get the other half that becomes actual money. How is that inheritance for one and not the other? It is less like an inheritance thing and more like the parents do not want to lose their house. Or the brother is the golden child while your BF does the heavy lifting for his family.

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And of course your other points are valid. If they want you to move in, you need to discuss and agree to the contact. They cannot just decide for you. It is not what a relationship is. And you'll never be able to sell that house for your own, unless his parents are dead. Because only way to get that lifelong contract out is to 'buy' them out when you sell.

This tale of a home tethered to family strings reminds us that love shouldn’t cost you your sense of self. The OP’s stand to protect her future sparks a question: how do you balance partnership with personal boundaries? Share your stories below have you ever had to draw a line to keep your home truly yours?

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