AITA for not making my son apologize to his MIL after an argument?

The aroma of a warm casserole filled the dining room, promising a cozy pre-Thanksgiving meal, but for one Jewish family, the evening unraveled into a stinging betrayal. A father, balancing his faith and a blended family, faced a shocking act of disrespect that left his children reeling. The sting of deception cut deeper than any holiday dish, as the family’s trust was tested by a single, calculated move. What began as a routine gathering morphed into a clash of beliefs, leaving readers wondering: where do you draw the line when family crosses sacred boundaries?

The emotional weight of the night lingered like a heavy fog. The father’s 15-year-old son, fiercely proud of his Jewish heritage, erupted in anger, while his 13-year-old daughter fled in tears. The mother-in-law’s actions weren’t just a prank—they challenged the family’s identity. Readers feel the father’s turmoil: torn between his kids’ pain and his wife’s loyalty to her parents. Can a family heal when trust is shattered over a plate of food?

‘AITA for not making my son apologize to his MIL after an argument?’

I (m41) am married to my wife (f37). I have two kids from my previous marriage, (b15) (g13). I am Jewish, as was my first wife before she passed. My current wife is not. We have no kids together. My kids have always got along with their stepmom and her family fairly well, until recently.

Thanksgiving with my wife’s family is a huge affair, and it’s the only chance a lot of the family has to see each other during the year. My kids and I do not eat pork, but there are always options for us or we bring something we specifically can eat, like vegetarian lasagna.

Wednesday night I had dinner with my wife’s parents at their place. I should mention that my wife is not very personally religious although she attends services with her parents monthly. My PIL are very, very conservative-style Evangelicals.

We mostly don’t talk about our religious difference although I once had to stop my MIL from encouraging my daughter to be baptized. Everything was fine until the end of the meal when my MIL crossed her arms and said “See, we told you nothing bad would happen.” I asked her what she meant.

My MIL said she had mixed bacon into one of the dishes (a casserole) to prove a point to us. I tried to ask very calmly why she would do something like that. My MIL said it was to show that there was no point in following ‘the Old Testament law’ anymore. I asked my FIL if he knew what she had done and he said yes.

He seemed more uncomfortable but he talked a bit about how Christ came to free us from the Jewish law and that they wanted to show us how we could be freed from the law as well. (He has worked as a pastor in the past). By this time my daughter was crying and left the room.

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My wife got up and followed her. My son has been growing more observant as he gets older (he is more observant than me or my daughter). He flipped out. He screamed at my PIL that they were terrible people, called my MIL some very n**ty names, and said he never wanted to come back.

My FIL started shouting back and my MIL started crying. I told my kids to get in the car and then told my wife we were leaving. She told me she would stay at her parents so she could help with Thanksgiving prep the next morning. I was texting with my wife on TG and she told me my son is not welcome to come until he apologizes for the things he called my MIL.

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I told her that’s ridiculous but she is siding with her parents. I told my kids we would not be attending Thanksgiving. Instead we ordered Chinese and watched movies. My son was fine with it but I could tell my daughter was down. She missed out on seeing a lot of friends she has in my wife’s family. My wife is still at her parents as of now.

I should mention that I too am very angry at what happened and what I feel is the disrespect shown to me and especially my kids. I am torn on whether to encourage my son to apologize contingent on a mutual apology to us.. AITA?. EDIT 1). The title says my son and his MIL. I meant my MIL, his step-grandmother.

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This family’s Thanksgiving nightmare reveals a clash of values that cuts deep. Tricking someone into eating food against their beliefs isn’t just a prank—it’s a violation of trust. Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship expert, notes, “Trust is built in very small moments… and broken when those moments are mishandled” (Gottman Institute). The mother-in-law’s act, paired with her husband’s complicity, dismissed the family’s Jewish identity, escalating a dinner into a battleground.

The father faces a dilemma: his son’s fiery reaction versus his wife’s demand for an apology. The son’s outburst, while harsh, stemmed from a justified sense of betrayal. The mother-in-law’s intent to “prove a point” about religious laws shows a lack of respect for boundaries. This isn’t just about food—it’s about identity. The wife’s alignment with her parents further complicates the rift, signaling a need for deeper communication.

This situation reflects broader issues of religious tolerance. A 2021 Pew Research study found that 60% of Americans believe religious discrimination is a significant issue (Pew Research Center). Forcing dietary choices disregards personal autonomy, a principle sacred across cultures. Here, the mother-in-law’s actions mirror subtle forms of religious coercion, undermining mutual respect.

For resolution, the father should prioritize his children’s emotional safety. Couples counseling, as the OP later pursued, can help rebuild trust, but only if the wife acknowledges the harm. Setting firm boundaries with the in-laws—like the father’s decision to cut contact—is a strong start. Open dialogue, rooted in mutual respect, is key to healing.

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Here’s what Redditors had to say:

Reddit didn’t hold back, and their hot takes are as spicy as the casserole that started it all! The community rallied behind the father, with some humor and plenty of outrage. Here are their thoughts:

risen87 − NTA - your MIL crossed a huge line. Was it rude for a teenager to swear at his grandmother? Yes. Was it warranted? Absolutely. They're focusing on his bad behaviour rather than dealing with how awful and abusive and disrespectful your MIL was.

If your wife doesn't see the problem here, you need to leave her. This kind of behaviour cannot be tolerated or excused. Be proud of your children for standing up for their boundaries and for not allowing someone else to walk all over them that's something you want to reinforce, not undermine.

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Don't participate in your wife's family's gaslighting. ETA: Wow this broke my notifications. Thank you for all the awards and replies, sorry if I didn't find the message to thank you personally. Let's hope the OP updates us!

ElFuegoDelTequila − I was texting with my wife on TG and she told me my son is not welcome to come until he apologizes for the things he called my MIL.. One thing we'd agree on is that your son is never setting foot in that house again.. Instead we ordered Chinese and watched movies.. Ironically, that is the Jewish tradition for Christmas in NY.

sweetpotatopietime − NTA. Please don’t make your son apologize. I am a Jew who privately thinks the laws of kashrut are silly, but when my observant relatives come over, I bend over backwards to accommodate them. (Have you seen the price of kosher turkey lately? 🤣) Your wife does not respect you or your children. That’s the main thing you should be focusing on. I’m so sorry for you.. Edit: messed up grammar

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_mmiggs_ − Nope - no apologies from your son. What your wife's parents did was foul and abusive. In lots of jurisdictions, it would qualify as a**ault, and they could be prosecuted for it.. Why the hell would you ever want to go back in that house?. NTA

vicariousgluten − NTA you do not mess with food. I don't care if your reasoning is religious, medical or just plain old choice. You do not meddle with food.. If your MIL is not willing to apologise for what she did then why should your son?

Suchafatfatcat − NTA. I’ll be honest- if my ILs had pulled a similar stunt and my spouse decided to stay with his parents afterwards, he would not be welcomed back into my home. The level of dishonesty and disrespect is astounding. I cannot imagine a way back from that.

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FoolMe1nceShameOnU − **NTA** But I'll be honest with you, as a Jewish person I'm incredibly unimpressed that you're even contemplating making your son apologise after what these people very deliberately did and said. It wasn't just hateful, it was very pointedly antisemitic, meant to specifically undermine and invalidate your religious beliefs, and from what you've said, this isn't the first time.

Furthermore, I'm going to go as far as to say that I'm embarrassed of what you're modeling for your kids as a Jewish parent in a time when our community is facing more h**red and rates of assimilation than ever before, by marrying into an Evangelical family (and no, I don't care if your new wife 'is not very personally religions'  she's the daughter of an Evangelical pastor.

And still attends church services regularly . . .she's religious enough) and forcing your Jewish children to spend time with people whose religious beliefs don't just 'differ' from theirs but REQUIRE THAT THEY ACTIVELY PROSELYTISE AND TRY TO CONVERT NON-CHRISTIANS.

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What are you teaching your kids, who are part of a tiny, marginalised ethno-religious community that has withstood religious and racialised o**ression for thousands of years, that when their mother died you went ahead and married a woman who is not only at least a somewhat active part of the community that still seeks to oppress us,

but clearly has no issue with her parents doing exactly that, and has neither interest in nor even respect for your religion or culture? And why, because she's pretty and nice? Honestly, I'm so proud of your son, for being the opposite of you - being the person who cherishes his roots and digs in,

and takes pride in who he is and where he comes from, and doesn't throw it away because of prioritising whatever's in his pants. You're NTA for not making him apologise, but Y-T-A for bringing your children into this nonsense at all, for making two Jewish children be family with a bunch of proselytising, antisemitic Evangelicals. Shame on you.

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MadDadThrowaway8630 − UPDATE: Wow, I’m o**rwhelmed by the outpouring of support. Thanks everyone. When I wrote this post, I was still numb and paralyzed. I didn’t realize how much. Looking back, I agree with many of the commenters and wish I had had the presence of mind to communicate how heinous and violating my MIL and FIL were in the heat of the moment, instantly.

My wife came back home a few hours after the post. When I said she was taking her parents side, it was about my son apologizing for calling my MIL the b-word and c-word. She claims she had no idea what they planned to do and spent most of the holiday fighting with her parents.

On reflection though, I am very disappointed in her reaction as well as my own. After some discussion we will be taking some further steps. My son will be making no apologies for anything. My MIL and FIL are not welcome in my home nor will we be going to theirs. All contact with my kids is cut off.

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I have contacted my rabbi and lawyers about how best to move forward. As to my marriage, we will be attending couples counseling. My wife has been a rock and a loving stepmother for our four year marriage, and she has particularly bonded with my daughter.

I don’t know if our marriage can survive this though, because my trust has broken, my son especially has had his trust broken, and my relationship with my PIL is irrevocably broken. I will pursue a restraining order if they try to initiate contact with my kids. I have tried to communicate on here calmly without breaking out into how angry and violated we all feel. Thank you to everyone who validated that.

Superdry73 − NTA - and I'm willing to bet hard money that your wife's parents would take a far different point of view on 'old testament law' if someone in the family tried to come out of the closet. The only point they proved is that they have zero respect for your religion, zero respect for your dignity, and zero respect for your beliefs and autonomy.

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Bottom line, what this incident made clear is that you guys were already considered interlopers in your in-laws house. It's not the place of this forum to tell you what you should do, but it should be very clear that blame here rests entirely on your wife's family.

And look, they are entitled to their views - and, I think, entitled to express them in their own house. But to trick you guys into eating pork...that's insane? How could you guys ever trust them again - and what did they think the outcome would be? That you guys would discover that bacon is delicious? Everyone already knows bacon is delicious - even people who choose not to eat it.

What is really disquieting here is that, your wife chose to support this disgusting behavior from your MIL and FIL. This should send an extremely clear message to your children (and to you) about the degree to which she considers any of you her family. I think that is a much more serious and painful issue to deal with than where you spend the occasional holiday.

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Ambitious-Zucchini19 − Nta, this is a bigger issue than you think and your wife is enabling it. Your mother in law rubbed it in your children's faces, please do not force your kid to apologize. This was religious discrimination bordering on a**ault.

These Reddit opinions pack a punch, but do they capture the full picture? Or are they just fanning the flames of family drama?

This story leaves us grappling with questions of respect, family loyalty, and forgiveness. The father’s stand to protect his kids’ beliefs over smoothing things over speaks volumes, but the road ahead looks rocky. Can trust be rebuilt when sacred boundaries are crossed? What would you do if faced with a family member’s blatant disrespect for your values? Share your thoughts below—let’s unpack this together!

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