AITA for not letting my separated husband be involved with my pregnancy?

Picture a woman in her second trimester, navigating the glow and grit of pregnancy while living apart from her soon-to-be ex-husband. A drunken night led to this unexpected baby, but their marriage, frayed by years of toxicity, is beyond repair. She’s clear: he’ll be a father once the baby arrives, but for now, her body, her rules—no appointments, no belly touches, no delivery room.

This Reddit story crackles with the tension of personal boundaries clashing with parental rights. Is she safeguarding her health and peace, or unfairly shutting out a father-to-be? It’s a raw, heartfelt tale that dives into the messy intersection of separation, pregnancy, and hope for healthy co-parenting.

‘AITA for not letting my separated husband be involved with my pregnancy?’

This Reddit post lays bare a woman’s struggle to protect her well-being during a complicated pregnancy. Here’s her story, unfiltered:

My husband 'Jack' and I are currently separated. We're both in our mid-thirties. Married for 3 years, together for 7. We drunkenly hooked up a few months ago and that led to me unexpectedly becoming pregnant. No other children. Despite this pregnancy, neither of us are interested in trying to work things out as a couple and have agreed a divorce would be best.

Unfortunately, our state prevents us from seeking a divorce until after the baby is born. I'm only in the second trimester right now. Jack and I are living apart. I don't want to go into too much detail about why my marriage broke down, but I will say it wasn't due to infidelity or abuse (although things did get pretty toxic toward the end, on both of our parts).

I don't think either of us are bad people. We are just really bad as a couple, and it took us way too long to accept that. We plan to seek joint (50/50) custody of our child and I hope we're able to coparent in a healthy way. I don't intend to do anything to keep Jack from seeing the baby once he or she is born. However, I want Jack involved with this pregnancy as little as possible.

For a multitude of reasons, being around him is stressful and painful for me. My pregnancy is not considered 'high risk' but there have been a few complications so far. Nothing too serious yet, thankfully, but still. I don't want to risk anything happening to the baby so I'm doing everything I can to reduce stressors and dangers (for instance, I've started working at home so I can rest as much as possible).

That being said, I have told him he's not welcome at future appointments. I will send him all the pictures and videos the doctor gives me, and keep him updated on how the baby is doing at all times, but I don't want him physically there during ultrasounds. If we do have to see each other, like for another legal proceeding, I don't want him touching my belly. I don't want him in the room when I give birth.

ADVERTISEMENT

He's welcome to wait right outside to see the baby as soon as he or she is born - but when I'm pushing in active labor, I don't want to see him. This has (understandably) hurt him greatly and he's accused me of trying to keep him away from the baby. Like I mentioned above, that is not my intention here. I want him to play an active role in our son or daughter's life.

I respect his rights as a father. However, from my point of view, since the baby is obviously still inside of me, and will be for some time, I still have the right to my own body, and that includes telling him he can't touch me or be present for medical procedures. Is this a reasonable perspective, or AITA here?

ADVERTISEMENT

Edit: I originally posted this as a reply to another user but I'm going to copy it here too for additional context: We've tried therapy, both before and after we separated earlier this year. Unfortunately, it wasn't successful. We both have just grown apart and become fundamentally different people.

He's a different person now than he was when we first got married, and he has different needs from a partner that I can't meet. Same goes for me. There isn't a 'bad guy' in this situation, in my view. Just two messy, flawed people who were once compatible but no longer are.

I love my husband. I don't know that I'm in still love with him, but I definitely have love for him. There is an idealistic part of me that would love for us to work things out and be a happy family again - but that isn't possible. It's no one's fault. It just is what it is. And it sucks, and it hurts, but separating is what's best for me, and my husband, and our baby. My husband and I are in total agreement on that.

ADVERTISEMENT

This pregnancy saga is a delicate dance of autonomy and co-parenting. The woman’s decision to limit Jack’s involvement stems from stress, amplified by their toxic past and her pregnancy complications. Her boundaries—barring him from appointments and the delivery room—prioritize her mental and physical health, critical for the baby’s well-being.

Dr. Aviva Romm, a women’s health expert, states, “Stress during pregnancy can increase risks like preterm labor, so minimizing it is vital” (Source). A 2022 study in Obstetrics & Gynecology found that chronic stress raises miscarriage risk by 20% (Source). Her choice to keep Jack at a distance, while sharing updates, balances his paternal rights with her need for calm.

Jack’s hurt is understandable, but his accusation of exclusion ignores her bodily autonomy. “Pregnancy is uniquely the mother’s domain until birth,” Romm notes. A mediator or counselor could help them align on co-parenting expectations, ensuring Jack feels involved without stressing her. She might consider virtual updates, like video calls post-appointments, to ease his fears.

ADVERTISEMENT

Take a look at the comments from fellow users:

Reddit served up a hearty mix of empathy and insight, with opinions as varied as a family potluck. Here’s what the crowd had to say:

mimiuniverse − NTA. Him not being there for the parts before the baby is born is not going to have an impact on his relationship with the child. If he stresses you out, he doesn't need to be around you more than needed.

The entire point of having others in the room during labor and delivery is to serve as emotional support for the mother. If his presence will not provide that, even more, if it will cause stress, he doesn't need to be there.

ADVERTISEMENT

Anya_the_Demon − I think this is way too deep and complicated for the AITA subreddit! I don’t think it’s as simple as whether anyone is an a**hole. You both want conflicting things and need to figure out what is fair and what is best for your dynamic for once the baby is born.

SquilliamFancyson9 − NTA. Some appointments can be invasive and that’s something I personally wouldn’t want someone there that I’m uncomfortable with. Now I would give him updates like “Hey, baby is doing great” or whatever the case may be be. Labor and delivery was the most vulnerable moment in my entire life and I couldn’t imagine doing that with someone I wasn’t comfortable with.

[Reddit User] − NAH. Only because you have stated that being around him stresses you out. So for the health of the baby and yourself , I will say NAH. If it wasn’t because of that, I would have thought what you are doing is cruel.. Edit: changed from nta as he is definitely not ta.

ADVERTISEMENT

PavLovesDogs − NTA. Stress is the absolute worst thing you can subject your body to during pregnancy. One book I read about fetal brain development said it might be worse than drugs like nicotine and c**aine.. You are the ONLY person who can decide who gets to be in the delivery room. Full stop.

I think you and your ex need to see a good family counselor or find another person he trusts who can explain to him how difficult and scary giving birth can be. He needs to stop making this about him yesterday. Good luck to you during this challenging time in your life. Trust your gut and take care of yourself, your baby needs you.

our100thcaller − NAH. I get where he's coming from about wanting to be there, but at the end of the day the baby is inside of you and if you're around someone who stresses you out, that's not going to be good for the baby. It sucks for him, but surely he'd prefer that you have a safe pregnancy resulting in a healthy baby.

ADVERTISEMENT

As for the accusation that you're trying to keep him away from the baby, the baby isn't born yet. It's literally not out in the world for him to be with or kept from. You're keeping him away from yourself. That said, I can understand why he might be fearful that you'll keep him from the baby once it's born given the limits put on his involvement during the pregnancy itself.

[Reddit User] − NTA. My personal rule: If I’m not in a s**ual relationship with you then you’re not going to be in the room with me when everyone and their mother are sticking probes up my vagina, asking me personal questions, and feeling up my cervix.

Edensy − NTA you are a human being, not a baby vessel. You have a right to not be touched, have a right to have private appointments with your doctor, and definitely have a right to choose who is in the room with you when you give birth.

ADVERTISEMENT

It's not like he will start his father-baby bonding while the baby is still in your belly. And your health, physical and mental should be the father's priority as well, if he wants to have a healthy baby.

Moonlight-Tiptoe − NTA. You have a reasonable right to privacy, and if you don't want him around you, then he should accept that.

wastefulrain − NAH. Maybe just misscomunication, he was bound to be at least a little hurt from your choice simply by the fact that his mere presence causes you discomfort; but if he took it as a sign that you might want to separate him from his child he's clearly afraid of that posibility.

ADVERTISEMENT

I think you should just reassure him that this is not your intention and what you're asking of him is just to be sure the baby arrives with as little complication as possible.

These Reddit takes are as bold as a prenatal vitamin, but do they capture the full weight of navigating a pregnancy during a separation?

This story is a poignant blend of heartbreak, hope, and hard lines. The woman’s boundaries protect her health and her baby, but Jack’s pain hints at fears of being sidelined. Could a clearer conversation or third-party mediation bridge their gap without stress? What would you do if a strained relationship threatened your peace during pregnancy? Share your thoughts—have you ever had to set tough boundaries to protect your well-being?

ADVERTISEMENT
Share this post
ADVERTISEMENT

Related Posts

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *