AITA for not letting my brother use my holiday home, even though my ex said he could?

Shirley Stafford Hours
Comments 0 Comments

In a quaint countryside cottage, a family feud erupted over who gets to unlock its doors. A woman, sole owner after a divorce, stood firm when her brother demanded access, claiming her ex had given the green light. His plea to “lay low” raised eyebrows, but her refusal sparked a firestorm of family criticism, turning a peaceful retreat into a battleground of boundaries and betrayal.

This tale dives into the messy clash of property rights and family loyalty, where a simple “no” stirred up more drama than a stormy night. It’s a story that asks: when does family obligation end and personal control begin?

‘AITA for not letting my brother use my holiday home, even though my ex said he could?’

My ex and I always went to the same part of the country for a holiday a few times a year, so we decided to buy a small cottage in the area, to save us having to get a new place to stay every time. When we split, I got the cottage, and he got the flat we lived in the rest of the time. He still lives there, while I rent a separate place and only use the cottage for holidays with the kids.

He was/is friends with my brother. My brother and I do not get on, and he's closer with Ex than he ever was with me. My brother apparently spoke to Ex, and asked if he could use the cottage. Ex said yes. Brother texted me saying that Ex said he could use the cottage, and he asked me for the combo to the keysafe.

I responded that he hasn't asked me if he can use it, and he can't. He said that Ex said he could use it. I said it's not Ex's house. He said that he already arranged to get out of town for a bit on the provision that he could use the cottage as he needs to lay low for a while. I said that was unfortunate and he'd have to undo it or take a staycation.

Brother says he's set aside the time and resources to go and my refusal is going to f**k up his whole plan. I said that's unfortunate, but he didn't ask me. He then asked me if he could use the house, and I again said no. He asked why not, I said because it's my house and I said no.

He asked if I was using it and I said no, but that doesn't mean he can. He said I was being a selfish d**k for no reason and that as I'm not currently using the cottage, it should be fine for him to stay for a bit. I said no again. I've now got him, all but one of our siblings (we are 2 of 5), and dad agreeing that I'm an arsehole and that I need to let him use the cottage.. AITA?

Owning property is a right, not a family free-for-all, and the OP’s refusal to let her brother use her cottage is a stand for autonomy. Dr. Pauline Boss, a family dynamics expert, notes, “Clear boundaries prevent family conflicts from escalating” . The brother’s decision to bypass the OP and seek her ex’s permission was a blatant disrespect of her ownership, especially given their strained relationship.

ADVERTISEMENT

The family’s backlash and the brother’s vague need to “lay low” raise red flags. A 2023 study by the National Institute of Justice shows that property disputes often strain family ties when communication falters (National Institute of Justice). The ex’s unauthorized approval and the brother’s entitlement reflect a lack of respect for the OP’s rights, while the family’s pressure dismisses her autonomy.

Dr. Boss advises addressing family conflicts with direct communication. The OP should calmly restate her ownership rights and suggest alternative solutions, like the brother staying with the ex. To avoid legal risks, she should ensure no unauthorized access occurs. Open dialogue with family could clarify her stance, fostering respect without caving to pressure.

ADVERTISEMENT

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

The Reddit crew dove in with gusto, tossing out spicy takes like firewood on a cottage hearth. Here’s the unfiltered buzz, crackling with support and suspicion:

IllustriousComplex6 − NTA, if ex is so happy to give away other people's homes then your brother is free to stay in ex's flat instead. Or better yet, send a bill in advance saying you'll need to be paid in full before you'll give the code.

ADVERTISEMENT

Lavenelle − You should tell your brother “No, you can’t use the cottage but if you need somewhere to go then you have my permission to go to my old apartment” (the one your ex got)

IllustriousComplex6 − Anyone else find it interesting that brother went to Ex for permission but still knew they had to go to sister for the code?

Unlucky-Profession41 − Brr? Ex gave permission for brother to use something that no longer belongs to ex and when it falls through, *you* get the blame? I don't think so. Ex was a d**che for not letting brother know that the cottage isn't his anymore, and brother is also a d**che for the way he tried to guilt you into letting him use the cottage.. NTA

issoecoisadefudido − 1. What's up with your brother asking your ex for permission to use a property that doesn't belong to said ex?. 2. What's up with your ex authorizing someone to use a property that doesn't belong to himself? 3. What's up with your family making you the bad guy here? You don't even need a reason to refuse. It's your property, period.. Some people's lack of common sense or basic courtesy is astounding. NTA.

ADVERTISEMENT

Skippy2716 − NTA

I'm sure that he knew that your ex did not own the cottage, but he tried an end-run around you anyway. I'm a lot leery of the 'lay low' comment, as well. Does he have a history of skirting/breaking the law?

NoParticular602 − INFO: would you have let him use it if he had asked you first and not gone to your ex?. Probably NTA though. You're not obligated to give him access.

ADVERTISEMENT

Casereht − NTA. If he set aside 'time and resources' to travel, that should have included money to secure accommodations.

dr-sparkle − NTA. Especially with the 'needs to lay low' comment. It sounds like he may be trying to avoid law enforcement. Civil asset forfeiture is a thing and law enforcement doesn't have to convict anyone or even prove that the owner was aware of any illegal activity. They just have to file a complaint that certain crimes (not all crimes qualify) *probably* occurred at the property.

LeMot-Juste − NTA If the rest of the family thinks it's important for your brother to have a place to 'lay low', then they can rent him something. BTW, your brother sounds shady as hell, from hints in your description. If that is so, NEVER let him stay anywhere you have a deed on, or even borrow your car. Cities make a lot of money confiscating property of anyone involved or associated with any crime.

ADVERTISEMENT

Redditors backed the OP’s right to say no, questioning the brother’s motives and the ex’s role. Their lively debate asks: was this a power play or just poor planning?

This story of a holiday home standoff shows how quickly family ties can fray over property and permissions. The OP’s firm “no” to her brother, despite family pressure, underscores the importance of boundaries, even when it stings. Have you ever had to defend your personal space against family demands? Share your thoughts below

Share this post
ADVERTISEMENT

Related Posts

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *