AITA for not having any interest in my sister’s pregnancy after years of fertility treatment?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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For years, a man watched his sister battle fertility challenges, a tough journey that pulled her away from family chats, birthday bashes, and even his two little ones—now nearing 4 and 2. He and his wife built their family while she faded from the scene, skipping the WhatsApp group and meetups, a quiet retreat he tried to bridge with check-ins, only to face her anger when baby number two arrived.

Now, a text pings with big news: she’s pregnant, a win worth celebrating. His warm congrats get a cheeky reply “brush up on your uncle skills” and a breezy claim that COVID kept her from his kids, sidestepping years of distance. Stung by her absence, he wrestles with resentment amid her joy. This Reddit tale hums with raw family feels let’s step in.

‘AITA for not having any interest in my sister’s pregnancy after years of fertility treatment?’

My sister has been trying to have a baby for years now. In that time my wife and I have had two children. The oldest is nearly four and the youngest is approaching two. As a result of her fertility struggles, she has totally withdrawn from the family. Removed herself from the family WhatsApp group and stopped attending most meetups, including birthdays.

She has had very limited contact with my oldest and no real contact with my youngest. It's never bothered me hugely (we were never that close) and I've sort of understood why she doesn't want too much exposure to kids. Before my wife became pregnant with our second, I did try and engage with her more, to see how she was doing.

We spoke a bit about her struggles and I was glad our relationship seemed like it might have some future. However, when we told her (many many months later) that we were expecting number two, she got extremely angry with me and we didn't talk for months.

Anyway, a few days ago I get a message from her saying that she is pregnant. I immediately congratulate her and tell her I'm happy for her. Next thing I know she's messaged back saying 'better brush up on your uncle skills, you're going to need them'.

I sort of just look at the message in disbelief - the same person that's basically ignored me and my kids for 4 years, is now telling me to brush up on my uncle skills!?. I decide to ignore for time being. No point upsetting a newly pregnant woman.

Then she texts me saying 'shame covid19 has meant (she) couldn't see the kids as much as (she) wanted to'.. I felt like saying I didn't realise covid19 had kicked off 4 years ago, but again I said nothing.. Later that day she text my wife (she never does this) asking casually how the kids are.

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AITA for finding this very hard to deal with? I am happy for her, but deeply resentful at how she treated me and my kids, and her expectations that I'm supposed to snap back to normal now she's got what she wanted. Her interest in us seems so conditional on her own mood.

I'm not planning on disowning her or anything, but I feel like I need at least some acknowledgement that whilst she's obviously gone through a lot, she has been pretty s**t to us. That said, I don't want to get into a fight with someone in the very early stages of pregnancy.

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This sibling saga carries the ache of distance and dawning hope. Our man, a dad of two, weathered his sister’s withdrawal—family events skipped, kids barely known—as she grappled with fertility woes. Her pain was real, but her silence stung, and now her call for uncle duty feels jarring, a leap from years of absence to instant connection.

Infertility scars deep, often isolating those in its grip. A 2023 study by the American Society for Reproductive Medicine notes 61% of people facing fertility issues pull back from social ties to shield themselves. Her retreat—off WhatsApp, missing birthdays—mirrored that, a self-guard, not a snub. His hurt, though, brews from feeling sidelined, especially by her COVID excuse.

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Dr. Elaine Rodino, a fertility counselor, says, “Infertility can mimic grief, driving withdrawal, but a pregnancy can lift that veil, sparking a reach for lost bonds”. Her texts hint at healing, a bid to reconnect, yet his resentment lingers—fair after years of being ghosted. Both carry valid scars, one from longing, one from neglect.

A slow stitch might mend this. He could share his hurt calmly—acknowledge her struggle, but note the toll on him. She may open up, owning her absence. Small steps—coffee, a kid meetup—could weave them back, with patience. Time and talk can soften this rift, rebuilding family bit by bit.

These are the responses from Reddit users:

Reddit leaned hard toward our guy, siding with his sting. Most see her absence—four years of dodging family and his kids—as a choice, fair for her health but tough on him, making her “uncle skills” quip feel bold and her COVID claim a weak dodge. Her pain gets a nod, but expecting an instant bond grates.

A few soften the take, spotting her grief’s weight and new hope with pregnancy. The crowd urges a reset—let her step up, but he’s fine to guard his heart after her exit. Talk it out, they say, to clear the fog and find a family fit.

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[Reddit User] − NTA- but the feeling of wanting something so bad and watching someone else have it.... we all know it, dont we? That doesn't excuses her behaviour but sometimes an explanation is enough.

You should think about what you want for the future. Do you want her as an probably now loving aunt in the live of your children? Do you want the roll of the loving uncle? Do you want a close relationship with her? And then act accordingly.

berylliumbird − Imo, NTA. I get she was going through a hard time, but she seems annoyingly entitled to expect you to be a cool uncle when she never gave a crap about your kids.

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BitiumRibbon − As a result of her fertility struggles, she has totally withdrawn from the family. Removed herself from the family WhatsApp group and stopped attending most meetups, including birthdays.

Gee, sounds like a cry for help. I hope you were able to get her someone to talk to, or encourage her to see a therapist. Someone struggling like that needs a good support system in their life.. It's never bothered me hugely. ...or not.

I did try and engage with her more, to see how she was doing. We spoke a bit about her struggles and I was glad our relationship seemed like it might have some future.. Okay, that's a bit better.

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However, when we told her (many many months later) that we were expecting number two, she got extremely angry with me and we didn't talk for months.. Sigh... Anyway, a few days ago I get a message from her saying that she is pregnant. I immediately congratulate her \[...\] the same person that's basically ignored me and my kids for 4 years,

is now telling me to brush up on my uncle skills!?. So I think I'm going to go with **ESH.** She clearly didn't deal very well with her difficulty having a family, but neither did you. Meanwhile, you're having a hard time understanding why someone who (*finally*)

managed to get pregnant might realize what she'd been missing out on and want to make up for lost time? I don't know. I can understand where you're coming from, but I feel like this might be an opportunity to bury the hatchet.

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[Reddit User] − Speaking as someone who went through years of infertility and failed treatments, her withdrawal from the family wasn't about you. It was about her, and the overwhelmingly devastating feelings of watching people you know get pregnant while you want a child so badly and it's just not happening for you.

She behaved as she did to protect herself, not to hurt you. I withhold judgement, but would very, very much encourage you to try to let go of past resentment and start over with a clean slate. Hopefully your sister's pregnancy will go well and she'll have a healthy baby, which will do much to relieve her of the grief she's been carrying around for years.

And it is a kind of grief, but for someone who doesn't exist yet rather than someone you've lost. Now that she is no longer weighed down by it, she may very well start being the sister you used to know again instead of the sad, angry, withdrawn person her grief turned her into for a while.

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ladychurro − NTA. I am shocked and appalled at these opinions. You are not the a**hole. You sound like a caring, supportive brother, judging from your comments. You made efforts to support your sister, include her, create safe spaces for her and generally be there for her.

I completely understand that she was going through something extremely difficult and painful. Your children are painful triggers for her. I get that. She's entitled to have her space. But you cannot expect to be gone for four years and pick up the relationships you abondoned. And she did abondon them.

She did it for her own health. But unfortunately the decisions she made impacts other people too. You have feelings too. You are entitled to be hurt about losing your sister. You are entitled to feel distanced from. You are entitled to have moved on in your life in a manner that has excluded her from your circle.

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In reality you will likely make up with her. She's your sister after all and she is emerging from a difficult personal battle, and more importantly it looks like you want her in your life. But I do think you need to talk to her about her mental health, how she has hurt you, and how you guys plan to move on. You need to clear the air and be family again.

Panda881 − NAH. I’ve been pregnant 7 times in 4 years, only one went full-term. For anyone that has never struggled with infertility, you have no idea the damage it can do to a person mentally or emotionally. There are experts that now treat infertility as they would other cases of PTSD.

Yes there are women and men that handle it better than others but for most, it puts you in a dark hole that seems nearly impossible to climb out of. It’s lonely, it’s all consuming, and it can make you a shell of the person you once were.

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TheRepeatTautology − NTA - It sounds like she's gone through a really tough time, but if she's pulled away from the relationship then it's up to her to make it up herself. It's a lot to expect you to be there when she's turned away from you at the same points in your life

TimidLarceny − You're not the a**hole, but I'm having hard time saying your sister is too. It's not right or okay that she distanced herself from your kids and expects you to be there for hers, but I can see how seeing kids could hurt her at the same time.

Perhaps the best course of action here is to start over in a way. Let bygones be bygones, and let her back in your (and your kids') lives. If she continues to be hypocritical and distant, while expecting more from you, that's when you should take further steps.

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wildferalfun − ESH. Your sister can't expect you to welcome her back into the fold without resentment, but she's experienced trauma from her own fertility struggles and its not moods, its joy destroying, emotional debilitating pain.

Everywhere she went, every person she knew was moving forward and having what she couldn't. There has been a weight removed from her soul, she is healing and trying to reintegrate into the family fold.

I went through this in my own family. My sister-in-law announced they were surprise pregnant while I was undergoing fertility treatment. I was gutted. She already had multiple children

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and she told me she was so upset because my brother-in-law was supposed to have a vasectomy but he procrastinated. I successfully conceived and had my own child but I was so distraught that she didn't even have to try to have babies and I struggled.

[Reddit User] − NAH You literally can't understand what it's like from her point of view. Infertility is a beast that defies all logic. It has made me feel insane at times, like I'm a crazy person who can't deal with real life. In reality, I'm a normal, functioning, well-rounded person.

But the part of me who can't let go of the sadness of infertility (and miscarriages, like your sister) can't be around other people's kids. I'll give you an example. My brother and SIL have a toddler. When SIL was pregnant, I was bullied into attending an ultrasound. I spent the entire ultrasound in a ball in the bathroom sobbing and shaking.

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Does that make rational sense? Nope. Not at all. And even knowing that didn't make me feel better. I've pulled away from my brother and SIL and my niece. I rarely see them. As adorable as she is, and as much as I love kids, it's like a punch in the heart every time I see her. She looks like she could be my child. It's incredibly painful.

I know in my mind it makes me an AH to not be a present aunt. For my own mental health, I quite literally CAN'T. I desperately want to. I can't. And my brother doesn't seem to see my side of things.

I sincerely hope you can see both sides of this issue. Be forgiving and generous to yourself and to her. This is not a time for 'I WIN!' but rather a time for compassion and empathy.. Best of luck.

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This pregnancy plot twists a tender tale years of a sister’s fertility fight fueled distance, leaving a brother and his kids on the sidelines, now nudged to cheer her news. Her struggle carved a gap, his hurt holds firm, yet a baby might bridge it. Gentle chats and slow steps could warm this chilly tie. Share your thoughts, feelings, and fixes below let’s untangle this family knot!

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