AITA for not giving my friend’s GF my German Chocolate cake Recipe?

A warm kitchen, filled with the sweet aroma of coconut and chocolate, sets the stage for a brewing conflict. A 28-year-old baker, whose love language is crafting delectable treats, finds herself in a sticky situation. Her signature German chocolate cake, perfected over years of trial and error, has won hearts—but not everyone’s thrilled. When her friend’s girlfriend demands the recipe, a refusal sparks a fiery exchange, leaving her questioning her stance. Readers, brace for a tale of culinary pride and clashing egos, where a cherished recipe becomes the center of drama.

Baking isn’t just a hobby for her; it’s a passion woven into her friendships. From sending cookies to celebrate engagements to brownies for new homeowners, her treats are heartfelt gifts. But this time, her refusal to share a recipe tied to her future business dreams has stirred the pot. Is she guarding her craft or being unnecessarily stubborn? Let’s dive into this deliciously messy story and see where loyalties—and recipes—lie.

‘AITA for not giving my friend’s GF my German Chocolate cake Recipe?’

I (28F) know this sounds dumb as f**k but she seems pretty angry, I want to keep the peace but I’m not sure what to do. Baking is a hobby that I refined during college and continue to level today. This friend in question (Jay,M29), was in my major during Undergrad, he belonged to a frat and i was allowed to use their huge kitchen for baking as long as I gave them some.

I found out his favorite cake was German chocolate cake, I started making them, some turned out great some I thought were too sweet so on and so forth, so I started playing around and created my own recipe. I’ve made that cake on multiple occasions and each time everyone’s said something like “this is the best German chocolate cake I’ve had” this took me about 4yrs but I found a winner.

Food is my love and friendship language. Any milestone my friends hit, because I can’t be there for them I send them their fav baked good. Friend got engaged, sent her cookies. Other friend purchased her first house, sent her brownies, you get the picture.

Jay got a new job which paid well and took him out of his terrible work environment, I was happy for him so I sent him a German chocolate cake. About 4 days later his Gf (May, F26) messaged me asking for the recipe. She said Jay kept raving about it and she wants to make it for his birthday.

I normally wouldn’t mind, I’ve had people ask me for recipes before and I’ve given it to them. However before covid I was starting to get stuff together so I could sell at farmers markets. I ended up having to move but I want to do the same thing here.

German chocolate cake would be something I sold, so I told her no. I also have other reach goals as it relates to baking. She says I’m being selfish and rude. I tried to patch it by saying if she found a recipe and needed some tips or help im willing to help (even told her about the one on the baking squares).

I told her I’m sure he’d like anything she made because she put in the effort. That didn’t change her mind , so I told her about my farmers market plans. She mocked me and said “no ones trying to steal your dumb ass farmers market idea”. I may be an a**hole because I responded “no s**t you’re stressing me about a recipe so I know you don’t have it in you to create anything”.

I haven’t met her at all, so this whole thing is awkward to me. I haven’t said anything since. I feel like what I offered was good enough, she’s not entitled to my recipe. She can make a german chocolate cake and not make *my* cake.

ADVERTISEMENT

Edit: to clarify my initial no it was “I’m uncomfortable doing, there’s plenty of recipes you can find online that are delicious. but I’ve spent years trying to get it “perfect” and I just can’t give it away. Sorry no” I’ve reflected on some of these responses.

I don’t understand how my suggestion of her finding a recipe and me helping isn’t the same as “just sending her a recipe that isn’t yours”.. she can do 2secs of work.. BUT I can see how just doing it can patch it and I can move on. It’s not worth it.

ADVERTISEMENT

Edit: I gave her one of my iterations and some tips for some extra umph. I don’t wanna be *that* friend, I’m not trying to cause drama but she’s not getting the “perfect”one. Wished her luck so hope it’s over. Maybe if we talk again it’ll go better hahah. Thanks for all the suggestions.

This tale of a guarded recipe reveals the tension between personal passion and social expectations. The baker’s refusal to share her German chocolate cake recipe isn’t just about ingredients—it’s about protecting her creative identity. According to Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship expert, “Trust is built in very small moments,” like respecting someone’s boundaries (source: The Gottman Institute). Here, the baker set a clear boundary, but the girlfriend’s pushback turned it into a power struggle.

ADVERTISEMENT

The baker’s dream of selling at farmers’ markets reflects a broader trend: in 2023, over 8,000 farmers’ markets operated in the U.S., showcasing the rise of small-scale entrepreneurs (source: USDA). Her recipe is her intellectual property, a potential business asset. The girlfriend’s mockery dismisses this ambition, escalating the conflict. Yet, the baker’s sharp retort, while cathartic, may have fanned the flames, suggesting both sides let emotions override civility.

Dr. Gottman’s insight applies here: respecting boundaries builds trust, but dismissing them breeds resentment. The baker’s offer to help with tips was a reasonable compromise, yet the girlfriend’s hostility closed the door. For aspiring entrepreneurs, protecting creative work is valid, but communication matters. A calm explanation of her goals might have softened the blow. Moving forward, she could share a basic recipe while keeping her “secret sauce” private, balancing generosity with ambition.

ADVERTISEMENT

To navigate this, the baker should stand firm but kind. Offering guidance without giving away her recipe—like suggesting ingredient tweaks—could mend fences. For others in similar spots, clear communication about personal goals can prevent misunderstandings. It’s about finding a sweet spot between sharing love through food and protecting one’s dreams.

Here’s what Redditors had to say:

Reddit’s hot takes are as spicy as a cinnamon roll fresh from the oven! Here’s what the community had to say about this baking drama.

nonconformistmuch − NTA. She can spend 4 years or more trying to perfect it herself.. Edit: typo

ADVERTISEMENT

heymallorie − NTA.. She can use Google like the rest of the world.. She's the rude one for mocking your idea.. I wish you well with the farmers markets!

MamaofTwinDragons − NTA - she sounds like a terrible person and you don’t owe anyone the blueprint of your creations. If you decide you want to keep the peace, however, give her a modified version of your recipe, like something she could’ve found on google.

When she complains that it didn’t turn out the same way as yours, just let her know that a good recipe isn’t a cure-all for lack of talent. Grannies have been doing that for forever.. Edited because spelling is hard.

ADVERTISEMENT

BrainyBorgBitch − NTA. Maybe suggest that she can buy one from you at your dumbass farmer's market stand if she truly needs that *specific* cake to make Jay's birthday special.

MissMurderpants − NTA. I’m a chef. Sometimes we share recipes. Most often we don’t. Let the gf experiment for 4 years.. Gf, this is my recipe. It is not one I will share. It is what it is.. Byeeee.. I’d block her.

doseofsense − ESH Look, I get it. Baking is my passion and I’m in the same boat with dozens of recipes refined over many years. But you know what? I never deny someone my recipes because A. There’s usually a level of skill that doesn’t create the same baked good and B.

ADVERTISEMENT

If you aren’t actively making a living off this recipe and others aren’t bakery store owners, there’s no financial concern. I know you want this to be your special thing, but trust me, if you are good at what you do, your recipe in the hands of an amateur will only be a tribute. Relax, share the love.

Aleisha-J − I am a baker. I never understood not sharing recipes. You can share the original and not tell her how you tweeked it to make it yours. You can share with everyone else, but because you plan to sell this one thing, you won't share with her.

But you will make it and share it for free with friends. It sounds to me like you just don't like the girlfriend. The dude loves this one chocolate cake you make, and he talks about it all the time..so naturally you would refuse to share it with his gf so you can be the only one he goes to for it.

ADVERTISEMENT

zukolover96 − ESH. She seems very rude and wouldn’t let up after you said ‘no’. But let’s be honest, she wasn’t going to steal the recipe and start selling the cakes (which I think you knew), she wanted to do something nice for someone she loves. Maybe food is her love language too.

slightlysillygoose − NTA, I’m sure there’s plenty of other recipes out there. You took the time to create something new, if it’s important to her, maybe she should too.

[Reddit User] − You spent 4 years developing this recipe.. It is your intellectual property and you intend to earn money with it.. You offered to help her with one of her own.. She went from 0 to 60 on you for setting a reasonable boundary.. I vote that you absolutely do not share it with her.. NTA

ADVERTISEMENT

These opinions range from fiery support to calls for compromise, but do they capture the full recipe for resolving this mess?

This saga of cake and conflict leaves us pondering: where’s the line between protecting your passion and sharing the love? The baker’s recipe is her pride, but the girlfriend’s reaction turned a simple request into a bitter feud. Readers, what’s your take? Would you guard your culinary masterpiece or share it freely? Drop your thoughts below—what would you do if a friend demanded your secret recipe?

Share this post
ADVERTISEMENT

Related Posts

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *