AITA for not giving my ex’s wife more time with my kids and not including her in IEP discussions?

Jonathan Hours
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In the challenging realm of blended families and shared custody, establishing clear boundaries is essential. This story centers on a mother who, after a relatively calm divorce, now must navigate the new demands of her ex-husband’s wife. The demands range from seeking more time with the children to wanting an active role in sensitive IEP meetings. Such requests, made despite the children’s own expressed wishes and legal limitations regarding guardianship roles, have stirred a fierce debate on what truly constitutes appropriate involvement in a child’s life.

With emotions running high and legal rights on the line, the situation has forced the mother to draw a firm line. While she remains civil with her ex and prioritizes her children’s emotional and educational well-being, she firmly rejects overstepping boundaries that could compromise stability in their lives. Her resolve is a stand for both legal correctness and the best interests of her kids—a stand that has not gone unnoticed by a passionate online community.

‘AITA for not giving my ex’s wife more time with my kids and not including her in IEP discussions?’

I (34f) have three children (11, 10 and 8) with my ex-husband (36m). We're on civil-ish terms. The marriage ending wasn't dramatic and no cheating was involved. But he became a workaholic to the extreme. I'm talking staying at the office all night and staying until late and then coming home to keep working.

He also skipped social events or time as a family to get more work done. He wasn't like that when we met or first got married either. It happened over a few years of our marriage. He skipped his own mother's 60th birthday party to finish a project for work. When I returned home he was on the floor of his office organizing a bunch of paperwork.

He also used to disappear inside and go do work when our kids had birthday parties or he'd sit on the phone the whole time ignoring everyone while he made work calls. For me the final straw was when he bailed on plans for our anniversary without telling me to sit in the home office sending emails so he could lock down a project he wanted, which was going to make him even busier.

He was unwilling to find a better balance. He wasn't a partner or much of a dad though. He'd maybe take a few hours some weekends to spend with the kids but not with me. He told me he didn't see that changing either. But he was willing to stay married and have more kids if I wanted to. But he was very clear it would never be like it was.

That was hard but it could've been worse. When we divorced and figured out custody he was upfront about the way things would be. Originally a judge gave him 50/50 but his parents or one of his siblings had them for the majority of the time. During the week the kids didn't even see him. He'd just sleep at the office or sneak in and out in the middle of the night.

So a judge gave him every other weekend and after a year he asked for it to be reduced to one weekend a month. To his credit that one weekend a month he does actually dedicate time and effort to them. It's not enough or what I wanted for my kids from their dad. And I hate that they're so used to it and that it's accepted by them that they have a once a month dad.

But at least he was honest about it instead of having them there for two weekends and ignoring them one of those weekends. My ex married again a year and a half ago. I don't know much about his wife but she was not expecting things to remain the same regarding custody. A month after they got married she called and asked me why the kids weren't at their house for the week.

I told her to speak to her husband about the schedule because that had not changed and I ended the call. She called another time and told me she wanted to take the kids for a weekend and have some time with just her and them. I told her that wasn't happening and ended that call. She told the kids she wanted to see them more and they told me what she said, but they stated they didn't want to see her more.

That they were happy with the way things were. When my ex's wife was pregnant she wanted the kids to come to scans and go shopping for baby stuff with her. They weren't interested at all. My ex wasn't involved in that and when I spoke to him he told me he'd tell her to stop. She stopped asking me for that but started asking them instead.

They rarely interacted with her at the house because my ex would focus on his time with them and she wasn't included in that. But when they were in his house and not actively spending time with their dad, his wife used that time to try and spend with them and make her requests. Now her baby is here and she's very demanding.

She wants to see the kids more and she told me I should be willing to accommodate this because the kids need to be around the rest of their family more, which my kids do not want and we have talked about it when they come to me about the stuff she requests. Her other argument is over my youngest's IEP.

The meetings for those only include the legal parents (be it biological or adoptive parent) or a legal guardian. She is none of those things so she can't be in the meetings. So she is insisting I find a way to include her or sign off on her being present for them (which I could legally do if I wanted). She told me she should be a part of discussing with me at least.

I told her there is zero reason for this and I told her to stop contacting me. I also mentioned it to my ex but he was too busy to care. My lawyer knows and has documented everything in case we need it for a future court appearance (we don't have enough now). She is growing more angry and has accused me of treating her as less than when all she wanted was to be a loving parent to my kids and be a part of helping them.

She said she's the mother to their sibling and nobody seems to care about that. I ignored these messages and shared them with my lawyer. But I wanted to check with others. I feel like I'm doing the right thing but I understand I might be too close to the situation to be unbiased. AITA?

In family law and educational policy, maintaining legal boundaries in custody arrangements isn’t just advisable—it’s essential. IEP meetings are a legal forum designed solely for the input of recognized guardians, a measure in place to ensure that decisions about a child’s education remain focused on the child’s best interests. As stated in guidance from the U.S. Department of Education, “IEP meetings are reserved for legal custodians to ensure that decisions are made with the appropriate responsibility and authority.” (For more on this perspective, visit .)

Parenting and family experts further underline that the intrusion of a non-legal guardian into such discussions can complicate the child’s educational environment and create unnecessary conflicts. The OP’s stance reflects a commitment not only to legal propriety but also to preserving the stability and emotional well-being of her children.

When boundaries are respected, especially in situations involving custody and blended families, the focus remains on what is truly best for the child—even when external pressures suggest otherwise. This expert-backed approach supports her decision to keep her ex’s wife out of IEP discussions and limit her unsanctioned contact with the kids.

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

Here are some hot takes from the Reddit community—direct, candid, and supportive. The responses range from straightforward endorsements of the OP’s boundaries to advice on how to keep extraneous interference at bay: Across the board, many commenters agree that the ex’s wife overreaches by attempting to involve herself in aspects of the children’s lives over which she has no legal say. The prevailing sentiment is clear: the mother’s decision to maintain defined boundaries is not only lawful but also in the best interest of her children.

Cute-Profession9983 − NTA she's delusional and wants everyone to participate in her narcissistic fantasy. She married the workaholic so she's trying to play house to pretend she didn't marry a ghost.

ElenaElena85 − How on earth did your ex find the time to meet, marry, and have a child with someone when he barely makes time for his own family or kids?

Due-Show-7250 − She's delusional thinking that she'll create one big, patchwork family with all of you. Sadly, she can't see that under no circumstances it won't happen.. DO NOT BLOCK HER - she's the prefect source of any evidence in the court battle.

emryldmyst − Nta. Wow she's stomping all over boundaries here.. I'd block her.  There is no reason for her to contact you. Be careful because people like her try to cause problems because they want to be a parent instead of staying in their lane and can do things to try to get more custody for the parent their married to.. She'll be using her baby, She'll want them to call her mom.. . Stand your ground.  

Otherwise_Degree_729 − NTA. She is delusional. Who in their right mind gets married and has a child with someone that has 3 children he barely sees already. Ladies and gentlemen people don’t change for anyone if they change is for themselves, is because is necessary for them and only them.. Your ex should get a vasectomy. Why the fck does he keep having children?

PhoneRings2024 − NTA. She only wants your kids around to help with her baby. I wouldn't include her in anything regarding your kids unless absolutely necessary. She figured out what she married.

bookishmama_76 − NTA - you should tell her to talk to her husband. Custody and the distant relationship with the kids is all on him. She can’t expect to build a real relationship with them when her husband/their dad doesn’t even put in that effort. Tell her that she should take into consideration that her husband literally went to the judge and asked for his custody time to be reduced to one freaking weekend a month.

His lack of effort as a parent has been legally recorded in the custody order. Then tell her to stop pressuring the kids and to stop contacting you or else your lawyer will get involved. Keep all communication with her via text or email for the sake of records. What I want to know is why in the hell did the man who is literally married to his job find the time to marry & produce yet another kid who will not know his father?

FindingFit6035 − NTA. Never understood why when a new spouse joins the ex's family they must have access to their new spouses kids and harrass the other parent. 

ACM915 − NTA- your ex-husband’s current wife wants to play happy family, and she thinks that your children should be willing to play the part. You need to keep the schedule and the boundaries that you have in place. She is not looking out for your children’s best interest, but her own selfish wants. If your ex-husband has not changed, then I doubt his marriage to this woman will last.

Dry_Ask5493 − NTA. I would tell her to back all the way off and focus on her own child. It is not your fault she married the wrong guy. She hardly knows your kids so why in the world would she have any business being in your child’s IEP meetings?! She needs to stop because it’s not going to happen.

This story reveals just how complicated blended family dynamics can become when legal responsibilities and personal desires clash. By upholding the legal limits on who may participate in IEP meetings and by refusing to grant additional unsanctioned time with the children, the OP is standing firm on what she believes to be in her kids’ best interest.

Her determination to protect their stability and emotional well-being is commendable. But what about you? How do you feel about step-parents seeking increased involvement without a legal mandate? Can boundaries be maintained when personal feelings are in the mix? Share your thoughts and experiences below—your perspective might shed light on how best to navigate these modern family challenges.

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