AITA for not giving my bio parents a real chance to make things right?

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Imagine a 24-year-old, finally settled into a cozy desk job, sipping coffee in a sunlit café, when a ghost from the past slides into their inbox. For one Reddit user, that ghost was their biological parents, reaching out after 24 years to reconnect. The catch? They gave him up at age four, not for dire reasons, but because they “weren’t ready” for parenthood. The lunch meeting that followed was less a heartwarming reunion and more a pizza-fueled showdown. Was he too harsh for unleashing his anger, or was his reaction a justified eruption of old wounds?

This story is a raw slice of life, served with a side of complex emotions. Growing up in group homes, where kids scrapped over clothes and pizza slices, left scars that don’t fade easily. Now, faced with bio parents who casually raised another child, our poster grappled with betrayal and a longing for closure. Let’s dive into this messy, human tale and see what it stirs up.

‘AITA for not giving my bio parents a real chance to make things right?’

So before I talk about the dilemma let me talk about my background. I m(24) grew up living in group homes. If you don’t know what a group home is it’s basically a smaller orphanage. Living in a group home was rough we generally weren’t guaranteed meals and we shared literally everything.

So if we got new clothes we had 10 other kids fighting over it. If we got pizza we had 10 kids fighting over it. When I was 11 I became close with this kid from school. He invited me over to his house for a couple sleepovers and his parents would notice how much I was eating.

I would completely pig out despite being relatively skinny. There were a couple of other things they noticed about how I behaved that was very weird. They realized I was probably being underfed and decided to take action. Eventually they took me in and I never looked back.

So today I’m 24 and I’m working a nice desk job. I’m generally happy and I’m still close with my adopted parents. My bio parents reached out two weeks ago and were relieved when I responded. We ended up setting up a meeting yesterday. I was already quite hesitant to meet them but only did it because my mom and dad said it could be worthwhile.

So we sat down and talked over lunch. They told me they gave me up because they didn’t want to be parents. They were in their mid 20s and married. The only reason they gave me up was because they weren’t “ready” for parenthood.

After this I pretty much gave up on being civil and I started making snide comments like “oh so I was ready for group homes?” I was being pretty rude and my bio mom was fighting tears. After they told me I have a brother I said “oh ok so you were ready enough to be a parent but weren’t ready enough to check on your son”.

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I had enough paid the bill and left. I was very angry and told my adopted mom what happened. She said that I should go easier on them since it probably took a lot to reach out and apologize. She went on and on about how she’ll support me no matter what but she thinks I’m acting a bit harsh.

My bio parents called and asked if we could meet again and talk more. My mom thinks that it could be beneficial now that my “initial emotions” are out there. If I think I was acting like an a**hole and my mom thinks I’m acting like an a**hole I probably am an a**hole. AITA?

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This Reddit saga is a gut-punch of unresolved pain meeting awkward apologies. The OP’s anger—spilling out in snide remarks—was a natural response to a childhood marked by scarcity and struggle. His bio parents’ choice to prioritize their own comfort over his well-being left him in group homes, a system often criticized for its harsh realities. Meanwhile, their decision to raise another child years later feels like a slap in the face.

Adoption and reunion dynamics are fraught with emotional landmines. Dr. Nancy Newton Verrier, an expert on adoption psychology, writes, “The primal wound of separation from biological parents can persist, influencing trust and identity” (source: The Primal Wound). The OP’s reaction reflects this wound, amplified by learning he has a sibling who got the family life he was denied. His sarcasm wasn’t just rudeness—it was a shield for deep hurt.

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Statistically, reunions can be rocky: a 2021 study by the Child Welfare Information Gateway found that 60% of adoptees report mixed emotions when meeting bio parents, often grappling with anger and curiosity. Here, the OP’s hesitation and eventual outburst suggest he’s protecting his mental health, a valid choice. His adoptive parents’ support is a bright spot, offering stability amid the chaos.

What’s the path forward? Verrier suggests therapy to process abandonment trauma, which could help the OP articulate his pain without confrontation. If he meets his bio parents again, setting boundaries—like discussing specific questions about their decision—might clarify intentions without reopening wounds.

These are the responses from Reddit users:

Reddit didn’t hold back, dishing out a buffet of empathy and outrage. From calling the bio parents’ actions a failure to urging therapy for the OP, the comments are a lively mix of support and skepticism. Here’s the juicy scoop from the community—served with a side of sass.

newbeginingshey − NTA. Everything you said to them is fair. They profoundly failed you. They’re not entitled to your time.

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SelkiesNotSirens − NTA! Don’t open the can of worms with them. It’s not about you, it’s about them clearing their conscious. (I’m an adoptee)

Rohini_rambles − NTA This is a complex situation and there's no 'right' way to feel! You're absolutely also allowed to feel MULTIPLE emotions, sometimes as the same time - sorrow for your loss and hardships but joy at knowing them; h**red and anger but also curiosity about them.

You don't owe them anything, and the one thing you HAVE to do is to protect your own mental health and wellbeing. They made their choices all those years ago, and it's NOT your responsibility to make them feel better about that.

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You can tell them how your life experience was, not attacking them, but facts. If they want to take offense or be emotional, tell them this is the facts, this is your lived experience. I'm so glad that your adopted parents sound like such amazing people.

They're your family. You owe your bio-parents nothing, if you get nothing from this interaction, fine. If you connect with them and think they're okay as human being, that's a bonus. You did not act like a b**t. Your response was expected, especially after being told they have another kid.

You can also get a therapist to help you process these big emotions if you feel o**rwhelmed. Overall, you'll be okay I think. You can also try writing them a letter telling them how your life was growing up, and meeting your adopted parents.

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This way you can focus on that, and they can read and process their emotions separately too, and then if you meet again, the intensity of first reaction will be gone, and hopefully it is easier to talk then. Wishing you luck OP. There's probably a lot of resources online too that could help you too!

Elle_Vetica − NTA. I’m an adoptive mom too, and I would guess your mom is worried that you’re burning bridges when you might realize you want or need (do you have all your medical history?) to connect with your bio family later in life.

That’s your call though. You’re an adult and your feelings, whatever they are, are valid. You absolutely don’t owe your bio family a relationship. If you haven’t though, you might want to consider seeing an adoption and trauma-informed therapist because you don’t deserve to carry around the burden of pain and anger.

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papercrowns- − NTA. I understand how hurtful it is that you were placed in group home, while your brother grew up in a normal family setting. If i were in your shoes, I’d call it quits too. Sure, you might be harsh, but they were harsher for literally saying you’re a mistake and putting you through an environment that you didn’t want nor deserve.

They should have used better contraceptives if they knew they weren’t ready for children but want to be s**ually active. I say they deserve all your anger and hurt.. If you wanna give them another chance go ahead, but remember, you don’t owe them s**t.

Question, it might reopen wounds but did you ask why did they reach out *now* 24 years later, when they had time to create another human being? I’m assuming they weren’t running around looking for you since they have the contact number of the group home they places you with and that group home told them which family adopted you.

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Call me a skeptic, but i find it fishy it took them this long to reach out. Maybe bc i read other “meeting the bio parents” stories that ended badly but I just wanna know. If you aint comfy to share i completely understand, no worries.

[Reddit User] − NTA. they literally failed as humans...they dumped you into the system for convenience...I would be outraged! There are lots if very genuine reasons to give children up for adoption and I respect those that make that decision for the right reasons.

What,did they expect? Your response was spot on...they decided a baby was ready for a group home. I am so glad that family chose you and loved you and clearly still do. Keep working hard and make sure to have an absolutely wonderful life xx

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pinpoint14 − NAH. OP you've been through some awful trauma and it's your parent's fault. They made the decision that put you there. But the only reason you've given for them doing this is this. The only reason they gave me up was because they weren’t “ready” for parenthood.

You don't know what that meant for them. Where they were financially, emotionally, mentally. They live in the same world that traumatized you, and maybe they didn't feel prepared to guide you. That's ok. In a better world we'd have more support in place for kids like you but we don't live there yet.

The consequences of their decision were borne by you and you alone. And your anger about that is valid. I frankly can't imagine what your childhood was like and I am sorry you went through it. But I'll say this, it also hurt them a lot too. I don't think people give their kids away flippantly.

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It seems to me your hesitance to meet them initially was tied to your negative experiences at the group home. That makes sense. Have you considered therapy to discuss your feelings about your experiences in the group home?

I'd consider that if I were you. I'd also maybe pause on going back to your bio parents until you've taken some time to work through your feelings in all this. But if you do see them again, I'd consider asking, what did 'not being ready' mean.

And I'd tell them exactly how that impacted you. Honesty hurts. And it's hard to be honest and empathetic when you're hurting. But we've all gotta try. I wish you the best

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palaceofmine − NTA. But also realize that this is what the scotus members are pushing people to do so there is a supply of domestic children to adopt.

[Reddit User] − NTA. I imagine being in a group home from 4-11 you must have heard all the other kid’s stories. Their broken homes, abusive family or forcibly taken by CPS. To have discovered that you were willingly given up by a college educated married couple, thrown into a system that is KNOWN to be abusive to children…

I can’t imagine the anger I’d have towards these people. Take some time to process this. Figure out what kind of end result you want. Maybe a relationship, maybe just contacting the half-sibling , maybe just telling them all you went through and parting ways but just take some time and think it through.. All the best OP.

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Consistent_Front_721 − NTA. how the f**k were you supposed to react?

These hot takes spark a question: do the bio parents deserve a second chance, or is the OP right to guard his heart? Reddit’s split, but real life’s messier. Maybe the truth lies in the gray area between rage and reconciliation.

This tale is a tug-of-war between past pain and present choices. The OP’s anger is a loud echo of a childhood spent fighting for scraps, while his bio parents’ outreach feels like a belated olive branch. Both sides carry weight, but healing starts with the OP’s peace of mind. Should he give them another shot, or is walking away the ultimate self-care? Share your take in the comments—what would you do if your past knocked on your door?

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