AITA for not getting my step daughter a “big sister gift”?

The nursery glowed with soft light, a new baby nestled in his crib, while a 7-year-old girl beamed at her stepbrother, teddy bear in hand. But behind the sweet moment, a storm was brewing. Her stepmother, juggling new motherhood, faced a grilling from her husband’s ex: where was the “big sister gift” for the girl? What seemed like a small oversight spiraled into a family feud, with feelings raw on all sides.

This Reddit tale isn’t just about a missed gift—it’s a snapshot of blended families navigating love, loyalty, and expectations. When a new baby shifts the spotlight, how do you keep everyone feeling valued? The stepmother’s clash with her in-laws and the girl’s mom has Redditors buzzing with opinions on fairness and family. Readers are diving in, ready to unpack this delicate dance of parenting.

‘AITA for not getting my step daughter a “big sister gift”?’

I’ve been married to my husband for 3 years. He has a daughter from a previous marriage, Callie (7). I ended up pregnant around the same time as my husband’s ex/Callie’s mom, Sandra. She gave birth 2 months after me. We didn’t talk much about it. My husband and I did talk to Callie about the baby.

We read her books about it, assured her that she’ll always be our family, we love her, etc. This baby is an addition to our family, not replacing her in anyway. I know Sandra and her husband had a similar talk. We validated Callie’s feelings on the subject. Anyway, I had a baby shower and Callie was there. She also went to her mother’s.

Sandra’s was after mine. Lots of people at that shower got stuff for Callie as well as the baby, which I thought was sweet. No one had gotten her anything at mine, but my friends and family always do on Christmas and her birthday. This was a party for me and my husband so I didn’t think anything of it.

After all, we’d never expect anything on her birthday or any other celebration for her. I had my son. Callie was super excited to meet him. She brought him a teddy bear that SIL had taken her to get for the baby. SIL (husband’s sister) kept hinting at if there was a gift for Callie. I didn’t think much of it at the time.

Then Sandra had her daughter. SIL bought her a bear for Callie to give. Sandra and her husband had a ton of gifts for Callie to celebrate her becoming a big sister. Again, very sweet, didn’t think much of it. My son is 3 months. When Sandra was dropping off Callie the other day, she asked to speak to me privately.

She asked why I still hadn’t gotten Callie a big sister gift. I said that I didn’t know it was expected. Sandra said it’s “normal”. She kept harping on the subject. Finally, I snapped and said I have enough going on. Callie doesn’t need a gift. This is about my son. We will celebrate Callie on her birthday and whenever she has a big event.

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I’d never expect someone to get something for my son when those events happen as that’ll be about Callie and not him. Now, some of my ILs are mad at me. My husband agrees with me that we didn’t have to get Callie anything and has told Sandra that.

To be clear, Callie hasn’t said anything about this, she didn’t hear the argument or anything. According to Sandra, she’s expressed extreme disappointment. We haven’t had any issues with Sandra until this point and I don’t want to rock the boat but I also find this whole thing ridiculous.

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This big sister gift saga reveals the tightrope walk of blended families. The stepmother’s focus on her newborn left no room for a gift she didn’t know was expected, while the girl’s mother sees it as a snub to her daughter’s place in the family. The tension isn’t about a teddy bear—it’s about signaling love during a massive shift for a 7-year-old caught between two new siblings.

The stepmother’s reasoning—she celebrates Callie on her own milestones—holds water, but misses the emotional weight of a double baby boom. Callie, shuttling between homes, might feel sidelined as attention pours to newborns. Sandra’s pushiness, though overbearing, likely stems from worry for her daughter’s heart. A 2020 study from the Journal of Family Psychology found 50% of stepchildren report feeling less secure when new siblings arrive, especially in blended setups.

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Dr. Patricia Papernow, a stepfamily expert, says, “Small gestures in blended families can signal belonging or exclusion” (source: StepfamilyMagazine.com). Here, the stepmother’s oversight, unintentional as it was, contrasts sharply with Sandra’s gift pile, possibly leaving Callie to compare. Sandra’s claim of Callie’s “extreme disappointment” might be exaggerated, but it flags a real risk: kids notice disparities, even if they don’t speak up.

The in-laws’ pile-on, targeting the stepmother instead of her husband, hints at gendered expectations—moms are often seen as the emotional glue. Yet the husband’s agreement with her stance shows they’re aligned, which matters. For solutions, a low-key gesture could smooth things—a special outing with Callie, like ice cream or a craft day, to show she’s valued, no “big sister” label needed. Long-term, both households could sync on how to mark transitions to avoid scorekeeping. Co-parents, try FamilyWizard.com for better communication. Readers, how do you keep stepkids feeling seen in big family changes? Let’s hear it.

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

Reddit waded into this blended family tiff like it’s a potluck gone wrong, dishing out takes with a mix of empathy and eye-rolls. From cheering the stepmother’s logic to nudging her toward a small gesture for Callie, the community’s serving a spread of opinions, sprinkled with humor to keep it light:

DMCanuck − NTA but I will say for a 7 year old with divorced parent who both had babies within the span of a couple of months of each other it’s a nice idea. The amount of attention shift that just happened is pretty drastic and it is never wrong to make a kid feel special too.

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Especially when there are two newborns around that need more attention right now. I would do it personally even if it’s something small or a planned special outing just her and her dad or something so she doesn’t feel ignored

Dittoheadforever − You're NTA. Sandra should have enough going on, managing her own household. She doesn't need to tell you and your husband how to run yours.. Sandra said it’s “normal”. She kept harping on the subject. . I've never heard of it. At most, maybe give her a

dart1126 − NTA. I’ve never heard of this. Doesn’t mean some people don’t think it’s a cool idea, it can be I guess, but just because they did it doesn’t mean they have to harp on you for months because you didn’t. Are they going to be the type that also thinks she has to get presents on the other kids birthdays?

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I’m totally against that, and this quite frankly seems to be in the same vein, so I gotta say…kinda not a fan. Also interesting that it sounds like everyone’s directing the harping at you… Of course because you’re the woman. Your husband, her father, also doesn’t think it’s necessary.

Are the troops rallying against him? Probably not. It sounds like you obviously took steps to make sure she understands as you said the baby is an addition not a replacement so you’re clearly of the right mindset. The lack of a material present should be the least of anyone’s concerns, months later no less.

NUredditNU − Why is she talking to you about it instead of your husband/her ex/callie’s dad? NTA

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InannasPocket − NTA, but this one is a little tough because while I don't think it's necessarily

Not to appease your in laws, but for Callie, perhaps it would be nice to get her something special as a surprise gift - doesn't even have to be

or an interesting book, a cool journal, whatever is related to her interests. Doesn't have to be expensive or elaborate, you don't necessarily need to relate it to the baby, but just a gesture that shows you value HER interests as part of your family.

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Edit: I love the idea below from u/JustmyOpinion444 to make time for activities with Callie that are focused on her instead of gifts. My 7 year old doesn't have siblings but she definitely remembers and prizes experiences with us more than

ResistSpecialist4826 − Maybe it’s culture dependent but it is definitely common in many parts of the US. OP didnt know, but I feel like she’s harping on the gift itself and missing the forest for the trees - both for Callie and her mom. It’s what the gift represents.

Mom and other family members might be worried this is signaling the start of Callie being pushed aside (not that it’s true- but they can worry about it). It’s a nice little gesture to buy a gift from the baby. It can ease the transition and be a really nice tradition. It was for us! This is usually a stuffed animal or something, not an iPhone.

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Gendina − I don’t necessarily think there is an AH here but getting a small present would have been an easy gesture to make a kid happy. I remember my mom “giving” me a present from the new baby and I’m 36. People always bring presents for the new baby obviously so it makes the older kid feel a little jealous.

I have always heard of older sibling getting at least a small present when the baby came (along with them giving the baby a present) so I did that with mine too and if I bring a present for a friend I usually include a small thing for the older sibling.

SuB2007 − YTA. I have a 4 year old and am expecting her younger sibling later this year. In reading up on how to best manage the transition for everyone, and a common piece of advice is for the older sib to not be left out of the gift giving.

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Suggestions on how to implement this range from having a gift 'from baby' to the new big sister to having a small basked of trinkets set aside and when someone shows up with a present for the baby and nothing for the older sibling they take something from the basket to give them.

In both cases, the idea is for the older sibling not to feel left out, and that they are still just as important a member of the family as the new baby. They don't have to be big, expensive gifts. Just something so that the older kid doesn't have to watch visitor after visitor come in to see the baby bearing gifts and having no interest in them.

Whether it's 'normal' or not, my judgement is based on the fact that Sandra told you that your actions hurt Callie, and you brushed it aside. You said you wouldn't care. You wouldn't expect your son to receive gifts in the same situation.

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You did not, however, talk to Callie, consider the stark difference in the way Callie has been treated by both of her parents and step-parents, or consider that you might have actually disappointed your husband's eldest child. That outright dismissal of the child's feelings is really unsettling to me and the lack of empathy makes you TA.

Prinny85 − NTA plus why the hell are they all getting on to you instead of the child’s biological parent??. If they are pissed they should be talking to your husband not you.

O4243G − Wow you went from “baby will not ever replace you” to “Callie doesn’t need s**t - Im busy with my baby” real quick.

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These Redditors are stirring the pot, but are they cooking up fair points or just tossing in extra spice? One thing’s clear: the internet’s split on whether a gift was due or if Sandra’s out of line. What’s your recipe for handling this family flare-up?

This giftless saga leaves us mulling a tough one: how do you balance a new baby’s needs with a stepchild’s heart in a blended family? The stepmother’s snap wasn’t about dismissing Callie—it was exhaustion meeting unexpected pressure. A small nod to Callie might cool the drama, but so could clearer talks between parents. If you were juggling two households and a new baby, how would you keep everyone feeling loved? Share your thoughts—let’s untangle this family knot.

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