AITA for not following Ex’s wishes to not be involved with my son?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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A quiet coffee shop buzzes with tension as a man, now in his late 30s, sips his latte, his phone buzzing with a heated message from a past he barely recalls. Two decades ago, a reckless fling left him unaware of a son—until that son, now 20, tracked him down, eager to connect. Their growing bond, warm and heartfelt, has unraveled a fragile family dynamic, leaving the man caught between joy and guilt. Readers, brace yourselves: is he wrong to embrace his newfound role as a dad?

This story, plucked from Reddit’s AITA forum, dives into a messy web of family ties, hidden truths, and emotional stakes. With vivid emotions and a touch of humor, let’s unpack this tale of reconnection and conflict, where a father’s heart clashes with a mother’s plea, and a young man seeks the love he’s long missed.

‘AITA for not following Ex’s wishes to not be involved with my son?’

Well she was technically a fling, but I’ll still say ex though. Anyways, I was a young and dumb 18 year old who thought I was so cool for hooking up with an older married woman (she was 30 and that was considered “older” to me). I admit it was not my proudest moment but I going through a bad time in my life and was making a lot of reckless choices.

Things ended after 3 months and didn’t hear from her again.. Don’t think I’ll have enough characters to explain the whole story so I will need to keep it brief: I found out we had a son together (“J”) who’s now 20, he knew about me for years and found me, her husband found out she cheated as soon as she got pregnant,

but still stuck around while J was growing up, I never had a clue about his existence until now. When J reached out, he just wanted to get to know me so we met up. From there we started talking more regularly and I learned about his home life.

J doesn’t get along with his dad at all, felt they were never close for as long as he can remember and there was always this detachment that he didn’t understand until he was told the truth. The more I spent time with J, the closer we became. It’s made me feel sad honestly, that I couldn’t be in his life sooner and feel like I missed so much.

We talk to eachother regularly and he comes by my house almost every other weekend. Safe to say we’ve bonded quite a lot. A couple nights ago I was contacted by my ex and she told me J has completely pulled away from her husband and doesn’t want to speak to him.

She feels my relationship with J is what’s causing this and asked me to limit contact with him. When I refused she berated me for causing them problems and said I don’t even belong in his life when I’ve only been a “dad” less than a year. I ended up getting some things off my chest that I didn’t get the chance to do before since finding out I had a son.

Our fight didn’t get anywhere and I haven’t spoken to her. I did talk to J about this and he said whenever he visited, they fought, and J got tired of his controlling behavior. Turns out they were also fighting because of the fact J was spending more time with me.

While it makes me feel good that my son wants to spend time with me, I do feel guilty that it’s caused him to distance himself from my ex’s husband. I feel like my presence has made their strained relationship worse and I don’t know if I’m being a selfish a-hole here by not limiting my involvement. I have encouraged J to speak with him but he seems set on not wanting anymore to do with him.

Discovering a child from a past relationship can feel like stepping into a whirlwind of emotions—joy, regret, and responsibility all at once. In this case, the Reddit user’s enthusiasm to bond with his son, J, collides with the existing family’s strained dynamics. The mother’s demand to limit contact highlights a classic tension: balancing new relationships with established ones. The user’s guilt is natural, but is he truly at fault for embracing his son?

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Family dynamics often shift when hidden truths emerge. According to Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship expert, “Trust is built in very small moments, which I call ‘sliding door’ moments” (The Gottman Institute). Here, J’s choice to connect with his biological father reflects a need for authenticity, unmet in his home life. The mother’s reaction, while understandable, may stem from fear of losing control over a fragile family unit.

This situation mirrors broader issues of blended families and late-discovered parentage. A 2018 study from the Pew Research Center notes that 16% of U.S. children live in blended families, often navigating complex loyalties (Pew Research Center). The user’s encouragement for J to maintain ties with his stepfather shows maturity, but J’s autonomy as an adult must be respected.

For solutions, open communication is key. The user could propose a neutral discussion with J and his mother to clarify boundaries, ensuring J’s needs are prioritized. Family therapy might help untangle emotions, fostering understanding without forcing distance.

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These are the responses from Reddit users:

Reddit’s finest have weighed in, and their takes are as spicy as a double-shot espresso! From calling out the mother’s past choices to cheering the father-son bond, the community’s opinions are candid and heartfelt. Here’s what they had to say:

flubdibdub − NTA. He deserves a relationship with you. It’s great you welcomed him with open arms and are treating him with honest and caring respect, it’s clear he doesn’t get enough of that at home. Also don’t blame yourself for being “young and dumb”. You were only eighteen and she was the experienced adult who should know better.

I wonder what people would say if it was a thirty year old man who impregnated an eighteen year old... Edit: in case it wasn’t clear, my last comment is to imply that this women sounds like a predator. eighteen is so young and I hate that OP blames himself when what she did was very shifty.

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[Reddit User] − NTA your son is a grown adult and can choose to spend time with whomever he wants. If his step dad did a better job bonding with him as a child, then maybe he wouldn't cast him aside like he is doing now. This drama is on them.

Inspector-Moist − NTA!!! Wow you have done everything right and nothing wrong, sounds like J unfortunately has a bit of a toxic life at home. J is a grown man and can make his own choices, I feel sad for J that he has felt that detachment from his.. let’s call him step father,

but realistically J should be and feel supported to get to know you, I know this as a dad if I was in his situation I would support my son to meet his bio dad. Hopefully that made sense. If s**t hits the fan I’d be prepared to take him in and show him the fatherly love he’s obviously lacked for 20 years. TLDR. Forget about her and his step dad and get to know him better, support and love him in every way possible.

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Ooicu812dude − NTA. You have every right to be in each other's lives.

oonerspisnt − NTA—your son is a fully grown adult, if he doesn’t have a relationship with your ex’s husband that is *his* fault, not yours.

patroklus68 − NTA He’s an adult. If he wants to spend time with you, that’s his choice. You’re not responsible for his relationship with anyone else. And you have the right to feel aggrieved because his mother deliberately kept you in the dark. How can it be a bad thing for a father to spend quality time bonding with his son? There are kids who never get that chance and suffer as a result

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DoucheBaguette007 − NTA You should have been told about him in the first place but that wasn't your fault and you can't go backwards. However, he's an adult and has every right to spend time with you. You're not an AH for wanting to be involved in your son's life.

Not even a little bit. In fact, you are more rational than the mom. You even suggested that he spend time with his step-dad (not sure what to call him), which shows your maturity and great morals. The situation is complicated, yes. But he found you and he knows what he wants to do, which is to spend time with you and get to know you.

The way I look at it, from a mom's perspective, is that the more people who love your son and have his best interest in mind, the better. Good luck in your continued relationship with your son. It sounds like he needs you to be there for him and you have every right to be there for him.

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[Reddit User] − NTA first of all you were just 18, what she did was disgusting! She took advantage of a child, and that’s despicable. Then she hides it from you for years! She took away your right to relationship with your son. He is now an adult and can choose to have who he wants in his life. Seems like they are toxic people and he should cut them loose. Just be there for him and block them.

glamasaurus − NTA He's both your son and an adult so it's his choice to make. He wants you in his life. His mother needs to accept that.

Electrical-Ad-1798 − You and the guy are adults and can have whatever relationship you want. You don't owe an explantation to some woman you had a fling with 20+ years ago. NTA. BTW, how do you know it's your kid? She had a husband then, and also has also shown she didn't mind stepping out on him.

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These hot takes from Reddit spark a question: do they reflect the messy reality of family ties, or are they just armchair wisdom? Either way, they show the internet’s knack for rallying behind a dad just trying to do right by his son.

This tale of reconnection reminds us that family isn’t just about blood—it’s about showing up when it counts. The Reddit user’s journey from unaware fling to devoted dad is messy, human, and deeply relatable. While the mother’s plea tugs at the heart, J’s choice to embrace his father speaks volumes about trust and belonging. What would you do if you were in this dad’s shoes? Share your thoughts—how would you navigate this family maze?

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