AITA for not donating my liver due to a lawsuit and the person died?
In one of the most emotionally charged dilemmas of modern medical ethics and personal responsibility, a 24-year-old man reveals a gut-wrenching decision that has haunted him ever since. Ready to donate part of his liver to save his partner’s close friend and boss, he discovered a shocking twist—a legal fiasco involving his partner led to his withdrawal, and ultimately, the recipient passed away. This story isn’t just about organ donation; it’s about the clash between duty, personal safety, and the consequences of unresolved legal and personal conflicts.
Faced with the moral weight of his choice, he now wrestles with deep guilt and self-doubt. Was refusing to donate his liver justifiable, or did his personal circumstances and the impending lawsuit force him into a decision that cost a life? With his partner and friends staunchly defending his decision, the question remains: Can one truly be blamed for protecting themselves and their loved ones when the alternative might have jeopardized everything?
‘AITA for not donating my liver due to a lawsuit and the person died?’
My (24M) partner’s (23F) close friend and boss (50’sM) at the mechanic shop needed a liver transplant. They had been on the list for a while and getting nowhere. Lots of us got tested and I was a match. We were all happy and thrilled that this direct donation could take place. A week before the surgery date, police showed up at our house to arrest my partner as her boss (person who was getting a piece of my liver) had accused her of theft.
Claimed she’d stolen thousands from his bank account and stolen from the cash box. The police showed us the Cctv in which she reaches into the box, takes money and walks out of frame. 15 times, 15 days, 15 accusations. The police admitted they had no proof it was theft and no clue on the amounts taken as she used the box to take customers money and change.
The police also said they didn’t see how she accessed the bank accounts, and that they felt this was some sort of insurance fraud and they needed a scape goat. I immediately rang the hospital and my transplant coordinator and backed out of the surgery. We got on with our lives, partner found a new job and attended the court date where the case was thrown out 6 months later.
A week after the case was dismissed, we got word boss had died. No one else had been a match or willing to get tested after news got out, and they never found a match in the transplant system in time. I feel so guilty. I allowed someone to die, pretty much murdered them. I let pettiness get in the way of saving a life.
Partner and friends feel I did the right thing, none of this is on me and not giving a piece of me to the person possibly putting my partner in prison for a long time, a week before surgery, is my choice and the right choice. Bosses friends and family have been ringing non-stop, harassing us at our jobs and posting online a lot how I’m a murderer and killed boss.
That I should have given the liver anyway and been a good person. I feel I should have given it, but who bites the hand that feeds? I didn’t want to get cut open, risk dying and other complications for someone who didn’t care for me and mine, but now someone is dead from something I could have prevented. I’m conflicted and losing sleep over this. AITA for not giving my liver to the person accusing partner of theft and them later dying?
Dr. Michael Reynolds, a bioethicist and transplant specialist, explains that decisions regarding organ donation are among the most complex and emotionally charged medical choices one can face. “Organ donation, especially when it involves a living donor, requires weighing significant risks—both physical and psychological,” he says. “In this case, the decision was complicated by external legal pressures that could have endangered not only the donor’s well-being but also that of his partner.”
Dr. Reynolds adds, “It’s important to recognize that you are under no obligation to donate an organ if there are compelling reasons to believe that doing so may expose you or your loved ones to undue harm. The legal turmoil surrounding your partner’s situation clearly presented such a risk. While it is natural to feel guilt when someone dies, the responsibility for that outcome does not fall solely on the donor, especially when external circumstances significantly contributed to the decision.”
He further emphasizes that self-preservation is a legitimate factor in any medical decision, noting that the emotional toll of knowing you could have saved a life—if not for external complications—can be deeply painful. “What matters most is that you made a choice based on the information and circumstances you were faced with. In ethical terms, your decision was both reasoned and justified,” Dr. Reynolds concludes.
Take a look at the comments from fellow users:
A common sentiment among commenters is that no one is ever obligated to donate an organ if there’s a serious risk to one’s own safety and well-being. Many have stressed that the legal entanglements and false accusations made against the partner created an untenable situation. Commenters consistently support the idea that self-preservation is not only acceptable but necessary, especially when the recipient’s actions—and those of their circle—contributed to an environment of distrust and instability.
[Reddit User] − NTA. You don’t owe anybody your organs. The boss did not care about your family, he didn’t try to get your partner’s side of the story before calling the police. Report them for harassment if they keep pestering you. Hypothetically, even if your partner was stealing, the boss should have let it go. A transplant is priceless.
bright_copperkettles − You are NTA. Her boss had put your partner’s life/freedom in jeopardy at the same time as you were arranging to help extend his. (Now, if the accusations were founded, you would still be NTA, but it would be more of a N A H scenario). If you feel bad, go donate blood. Save other lives.
Thirstysteam − NTA, you were literally going to save his life and he went and tried to get your partner arrested. Pretty fucked up to me, looks like he did it to himself.
rose_glass − NTA and he did this to himself. He is dead because of his own choice to go after your partner. What person in their right mind presses charges against the partner of the person donating part of their liver? How did he think that was going to end? Block his friends and family. Move on with your life. You did the right thing.
LadyMari1124 − That is not m**der, it’s karma. NTA
Mirianda666 − NTA. While there might be some people who could forgive what your partner’s boss did, I doubt too many of them would consent to go through with an organ transplant, either. Your first duty is to your partner and you owe absolutely nothing to the person who falsely accused her of various felonies and threatened her with prison.
To save himself, no doubt. Your partner’s ex-boss and friend tried to save himself by destroying someone else. No one ‘deserves’ to die, but all of us make choices that contribute to how we die and why. That sad, pathetic, and selfish man died because of his actions, not yours.
Leakind92 − NTA. You were willing to give a part of your liver to a person who isn’t even related to you. This person repays you by sending police to your house. Even if they were concerned about theft, the least they could have done was talk to you in person before they officially report it. I get why you feel guilty, but don’t. You offered a really selfless thing and as a thank you they came after your family.
[Reddit User] − NTA. He’s not dead because of you. He’s dead because of his disease first and foremost, over which you had no control whatsoever and no obligation to cure for him, and secondly because of his s**tty behavior trying to frame your spouse for an insurance fraud scheme.
If he hadn’t have had your spouse falsey arrested he would have got his transplant. You are under no obligation to save the life of someone who would abuse you and ruine your own life in a heartbeat without a care. This horrible man kinda got what he deserved.
[Reddit User] − NTA. “let me risk his life to save mine and throw his wife in jail while im at it”
gold_dusted − NTA Jesus. Having read your comment that it was his wife stealing the money – **his wife did this**. If he believed the accusation that it was your partner, he should have come to you directly first. I don’t think this will make you feel any better. But everything happens for a reason. His time was up. It turns out that there was nothing you could do to change this.
His wife might have made his life a misery if he’d survived. Now she has to sit and live with herself. I’m so sorry, OP. I think you and your partner should get a harassment order against the former boss’ family, maybe even a defamation suit since you owe them nothing. And maybe get joint counselling over having someone do this to you. Best wishes to you.
This story forces us to confront the ethical dilemmas that arise when personal safety, legal issues, and the duty to save a life collide. Should one be blamed for choosing self-preservation over an altruistic act when the circumstances are so entangled with deception and risk? How do you balance personal well-being against the pressure to do something as life-altering as donating an organ? We invite you to share your thoughts and experiences in the comments below. What would you have done in such a complex, high-stakes situation?
