AITA for not defending my boyfriend after my parents got upset at him?

At a warm Passover Seder, a non-Jewish boyfriend’s attempt to charm the kids turned into a cultural misstep that chilled the room. Despite clear instructions not to treat the Elijah wine tradition like a Santa visit, he emptied the glass and left candy, claiming the prophet stopped by. The woman’s parents called it disrespectful, and she stayed silent, agreeing with them. Now, her boyfriend’s upset she didn’t defend his “fun” gesture, claiming ignorance of the Seder’s rules.

This isn’t just a holiday hiccup; it’s a tale of cultural respect, relationship loyalty, and the weight of tradition. With Reddit weighing in on this Seder snafu, the woman’s left wondering if her silence was fair. Join this festive-turned-tense table and decide: was she right to stand with her family, or should she have backed her boyfriend?

‘AITA for not defending my boyfriend after my parents got upset at him?’

My boyfriend and I went to my parents for Passover, along with my sister and nieces. My boyfriend isn't Jewish and didn't know anything about Passover but said he was interested in learning. Part of the tradition is leaving a glass of wine out for Elijah,

a legendary prophet who is supposed to return to Earth someday to announce the arrival of the Messiah. You leave the glass of wine out so you have something to give him in case he comes by. We went over the story of Elijah during the Seder.

The morning after the Seder, my boyfriend noticed that the wine was still there, and asked if someone was going to drink it so the kids would think Elijah came. My mom said no, this isn't isn't like the Easter Bunny or Santa, if Elijah doesn't come then nothing happens and we'll have to wait until next year.

We don't pretend that he came. However, when the kids came downstairs they saw that the wine glass was empty, and that there was some candy there. My boyfriend told the kids that Elijah had come by at night, drank the wine, and left some candy for them.

The kids were confused, but fortunately my mom was on it and said my boyfriend was just kidding, and that the candy was from him. After the kids left, my parents told my boyfriend that he was wrong for doing that and found what he did disrespectful by acting like this was just another Santa type thing to give gifts to kids,

even after my mom explained that this was totally different. I didn't do anything to defend him because I felt that my parents were right to be upset. He apologized to them, but is upset at me for not defending him. I explained that I did not stand up for him because I agreed with my parents that he had been disrespectful

and should have known not to do this. He said that I should have stood up for him because he was just trying to do something fun for the kids, and that he had never been to a Seder before and hadn't really understood why it was inappropriate to pretend that Elijah had come.

A holiday tradition is more than a ritual—it’s a cultural heartbeat. This Reddit user’s boyfriend, despite being new to Passover, was explicitly told not to treat the Elijah wine tradition like a playful Santa visit. His choice to drink the wine and leave candy for the kids wasn’t just a misunderstanding; it was a dismissal of clear boundaries, undermining the Seder’s spiritual weight. The user’s decision not to defend him aligns with respecting her family’s beliefs, though his upset suggests a need for better communication.

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Cultural misunderstandings in relationships are common. A 2023 Pew Research study found that 48% of interfaith couples face tension over religious practices, often due to unaddressed assumptions. The boyfriend’s actions, while not malicious, reflect a failure to listen, and his defensiveness compounds the issue.

Interfaith relationship expert Dr. Naomi Schaefer Riley advises, “Respecting a partner’s traditions starts with active listening and humility”. The user could foster understanding by discussing cultural expectations with her boyfriend post-conflict. For readers, learning about a partner’s traditions before participating prevents such clashes.

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Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:

Reddit uncorked some sharp takes on this Passover blunder, pouring out support with a splash of shade for the boyfriend. Here’s what the community had to say about this Seder slip-up:

michaelscott1776 - NTA. As your parents explained this is not like leaving out cookies and milk for Santa.. He disrespected your beliefs and religion by doing so.. Also I am curious as what happens to the wine if it isn't drank

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VinnyCapistrano - NTA. He was told the right thing to do (not drink the wine, not pretend like St. Elijah Claus came), and he intentionally ignored those instructions. It doesn't matter that he wanted to do something fun for kids. It doesn't matter that he doesn't understand why it was inappropriate. What matters is that he was told specifically what to do, and he did the opposite.

XStonedCatX - NTA your boyfriend did something he was specifically told not to do, and then is confused as to why people are upset? If he admittedly knows nothing about Passover, was already told NOT to drink the wine and lie to the kids, who the hell does he think he is to go ahead and do it anyway?

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Aceituna1777 - NTA. As the non-Jewish partner myself, I cannot believe his audacity! Also, it's Passover. Given how clueless he is, he may well have given them something in the candy that is not allowed during that time. He needs to stay in his lane, and apologize for overstepping and disrespecting.

BossAirlines - NTA. he was wrong, and if he truly realized he was wrong he wouldn’t be asking you why you didn’t defend him

Borgteddy - NTA the morning after Seder he asked about why the wine was still there and will someone drink it and then say that Elijah came by.. He was told. No, we don't do that. This is not like the Easter Bunny or Santa Claus.

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Then he does drink the wine and leaves candy, making it a bunny/santa thing and is surprised that your parents aren't going along with it. If he wanted to give the kids candy he should have asked your parents what an appropriate way to give it would be.

ImStealingTheTowels - he had never been to a Seder before and hadn't really understood why it was inappropriate to pretend that Elijah had come Your mum made it very clear what the spirit of this is all about but he chose to ignore her. This shows a massive lack of respect for your family's religious beliefs and the fact he's angry at you right now is totally unacceptable.. NTA

Fireneji - NTA. Oh my gosh that's so completely disrespectful of him to have done that. You're right to have not defended him, he's gotta learn to take criticism.

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GothPenguin - NTA-He doesn’t have to follow your traditions to know that he should respect them. His reasoning that he didn’t know it was inappropriate is baloney. Your mother clearly explained that this is not like Santa or the Easter Bunny.

He decided to empty the wine glass anyway and leave candy for the kids. He knew it was inappropriate and decided his way was still better. He’s an a**hole and he’s trying to gaslight you by saying he didn’t understand even after it was explained to him why he shouldn’t do it before he did it.

[Reddit User] - NTA. Basically, he refused to believe his host could have a different religious practice from what he was used to. Even when he was directly told. So he went behind your entire family's back and did the Christian-type tradition \*he\* was comfortable with as though to 'educate' your family.

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It's really insulting and why on earth would you defend him? My question is why are you still with him? It's one thing to not know much about a culture or religion - that's fine. It's another thing to try to 'fix' that religion in the person's own home when directly told not to.

These spicy opinions toast the user’s stance, but do they capture the boyfriend’s perspective? Reddit’s clear: respect the tradition, not the candy!

This Passover tale, soured by a misplaced prank, serves up a lesson in cultural respect and relationship dynamics. The Reddit user’s silence during her parents’ rebuke of her boyfriend honored her family’s beliefs, but his hurt feelings highlight a gap in understanding. As they navigate this fallout, the question lingers: was staying quiet the right move, or could she have balanced loyalty to both sides? What would you do when a partner missteps in your family’s traditions? Drop your stories, advice, or spicy takes below!

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