AITA for not covering for my ex wife and letting my daughter know the truth?

The air crackled with tension in a small suburban kitchen, where a father’s decision simmered like a pot about to boil over. A 34-year-old dad, juggling co-parenting with his ex-wife Kate, faced a dilemma that tugged at his heartstrings: should he shield his daughter Marisa from the truth or lay it bare? Their cherished tradition of summer and winter trips hung in the balance, threatened by financial strain and old grudges. Marisa, a bright 13-year-old, was caught in the crossfire of adult decisions, her excitement for a getaway dimmed by her mother’s cryptic words.

This tale of family dynamics, loyalty, and honesty unfolds with a modern twist—enter Jessica, the father’s girlfriend, stepping into a role that could either mend or fray bonds. Readers can’t help but wonder: is it fair to pull back the curtain on parental struggles, or does shielding a child’s heart matter more? The Reddit community weighed in, and the verdict is anything but simple.

‘AITA for not covering for my ex wife and letting my daughter know the truth?’

So I (34M) have a 13 year old daughter Marisa with my ex wife Kate (35F). Me and Kate started dating senior year or HS, married at 21 and had Marisa that same year. Me and Kate divorced when Marisa was 7. Nothing n**arious happened. We just were always at each other throats. I felt like she didn’t enjoy being intimate anymore, felt like she was cold and she was always on my ass about things.

Constantly demanding me to do things. The divorce went smoothly. No alimony or child support because at the time Kate was making double what I was as a nurse. We split the large expenses for Marisa right down the middle. It was tough for me at first because I didn’t make that much. And Kate never gave me a break, always making me pay half. We have a tradition with Marisa.

We usually take a summer trip and a winter trip with her. Alternating which parent takes her on each trip. We total up the cost of the trip and split it in half. I’ve done well for myself the last few years and now it’s not even a worry like it was when Marisa was younger. Kate remarried a dude with 3 kids who owned a restaurant. Covid shut down the restaurant.

For the last year and a half I’ve been dating Jessica (28F) who is a former friend of Kate. They have some beef for whatever reason, I stay out of it. So last year Kate comes to me and says she can’t afford the trips this year. I didn’t want to give her a break, but I remembered it was for Marissa, so I paid and took her on both. My daughter knows both of us pay for these trips typically.

Kate comes to me again this year and says she can’t afford the trip. She said her family needs all of her salary because her husband didn’t find a job yet. I told her that really isn’t my problem. She tells our daughter that “mom and dad can’t do the trip this year”. Marisa was devasted and I was pissed. I told my daughter the trip was still on. My GF learned about the situation from me.

She said I’ve taken her on so many trips already and wants to form a closer bond with Marisa so she would like to go on the trip and pay for half of it. I told Kate that Jessica was paying her half so she should thank her. Kate blows up. Telling me that Jessica wasn’t allowed on the trip or she wouldn’t let Marisa go. I reminded her we have a custody agreement so that wouldn’t be happening.

And I fully intend to let Marisa know that Jessica is helping make this happen. As I think it’s right to give Jessica credit and Marisa needs to know that. Kate is calling me an AH. Saying I’m purposely trying to make her look bad.

I said that she has made her financial decisions and those aren’t my issue. And I shouldn’t cover for her anymore. Our daughter deserves to know which parent is making things happen and Jessica deserves that credit as it might help them form a closer bond. AITA?

Family trips are supposed to be about making memories, not settling scores, but this dad’s situation shows how quickly things can spiral. The core issue—whether to tell 13-year-old Marisa that her stepmom-to-be, Jessica, is funding the trip—pits honesty against sensitivity. The father wants to give credit where it’s due, but Kate, his ex-wife, sees it as a jab at her financial struggles. Both sides have valid points: transparency can build trust, but it risks wounding a child’s view of her mom.

ADVERTISEMENT

This scenario reflects a broader issue in co-parenting: navigating financial disparities without dragging kids into the fray. According to a 2021 study from the American Psychological Association, 60% of divorced parents report conflicts over financial responsibilities, often affecting children’s emotional well-being (source). Honesty is crucial, but delivery matters just as much.

Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship expert, notes, “Children thrive when parents communicate openly but protect them from adult conflicts” (source). Here, the father’s intent to highlight Jessica’s contribution could foster a bond, but rubbing it in Kate’s face risks alienating Marisa. Gottman’s advice suggests framing the truth neutrally—acknowledging Jessica’s role without vilifying Kate’s situation.

ADVERTISEMENT

So, what’s the play? The dad should explain the trip’s funding calmly, emphasizing that both parents love Marisa, but circumstances differ. He could say, “Jessica’s helping out so we can keep our tradition going,” without delving into Kate’s finances. This approach keeps Marisa’s trust intact while sidestepping resentment.

Heres what people had to say to OP:

The Reddit hive mind didn’t hold back, serving up a mix of support and shade that’s as spicy as a summer barbecue. Here’s what the community had to say:

ADVERTISEMENT

GreekAmericanDom - NTA Assuming you share the truth in a non-judgmental, level handed manner. Your daughter is old enough to handle the truth. Be clear your mother's financial circumstances don't currently afford her a luxury like a trip.

That's okay, these things happen in life and how much you can afford is not a measurement of love. However, Jessica feels that these trips are important enough that she is going to help with the expense so that the trips can happen.. That tells the truth without making Kate look bad.

ADVERTISEMENT

Ickyhouse - NTA. At 13, your daughter is old enough to understand that your ex-wife may not be able to afford everything she wants and that it doesn't mean your ex loves her any less. Simply be honest with your daughter.

sparkyclarkson - I think a lot depends on how you discuss this with your daughter. If you go into detail about how the trip is paid for as a way to make your ex look bad, then YTA. If you just tell her that Kate has a lot of responsibilities right now so Jessica stepped in to help out then I think NTA.

But tbh based on the attitude in your post I don't think the latter is likely. You seem to feel like you've gotten one over on your ex and if that attitude bleeds over into the way you discuss this then you will be TA and your daughter is probably going to be smart enough to realize it. Your ex is TA both for asking you to give her relief that she never allowed you and for pitching a fit about Jessica's involvement.

ADVERTISEMENT

[Reddit User] - YTA. So let's recap. You split up because your wife asked you to do your share of the chores and you decided that she didn't enjoy s** enough. In other words, you left your wife because she refused to both be the breadwinner and act as your bangmaid. Strike one.

Your wife got your daughter over 70% of the time, meaning she had primary custody and paid more of your daughter's daily expenses than you did.  Despite this, you didn't pay any child support, and you actually \*asked the judge to make your ex pay you child support even though she had primary custody.\* Strike two.

Your wife insisted that you pay half of your daughter's major expenses. You got butthurt about this because your wife earned more money than you, and you seem to think you don't have an obligation to support your own child. Strike three. You start dating your wife's friend. Your wife can't afford to pay for half of your daughter's trip this year. Your GF offers to pay for half.

ADVERTISEMENT

You decide it's time to get even and humiliate your ex in front of your daughter by making sure your daughter knows that her mom can't afford the trip and she only gets to go because your GF is paying half. You're out. Grow up. You're hurting your kid by engaging in such petty behavior, which probably doesn't matter to you at all because it's clear you only care about yourself.

Future_Sky_1308 - For the last year and a half I’ve been dating Jessica (28F) who is a former friend of Kate. They have some beef for whatever reason, I stay out of it.. Yea I wonder why Kate is upset that her former friend is dating her ex husband /s. ESH. Y’all sound vindictive as f**k. No reason to tell your daughter about the financial details of the trip other than to make your ex wife look bad.

trashpanda44224422 - ESH. Oh sure, use your daughter as a pawn in your financial manipulations with your ex. Excellent idea.

ADVERTISEMENT

iamafriendlynoot - ESH. First off, your daughter is a person in your care, not a weapon to use against your ex. It's really obvious that you hold a grudge against her for not being flexible with you when you were struggling, and that would be perfectly fine if you left your daughter out of it. But you don't plan to, so you're the a**hole for that.

Your ex is right, you ARE trying to make her look bad, and you're doing so vindictively rather than out of concern for your daughter, and yeah, that's an a**hole thing to do. Your ex is an a**hole for being inflexible when you were struggling but demanding flexibility when she is struggling.

Your girlfriend means well but I'm gonna be honest, a traditionally family-only trip is not the best place to bond with your potential stepchild, especially when the parents have turned it into a contentious pissing contest, so she's a bit of an a**hole for willingly making this mess even messier than it already is.

ADVERTISEMENT

Second, who are you taking this trip for? Marisa, or Jessica? Does Marisa want Jessica to come on this trip? Did you ask her? If your daughter and your girlfriend are going to form a bond, that's going to happen naturally or not, but it's pretty concerning that your main focus from your post is Jessica bonding with your daughter, and not, you know, your daughter having a good time on the trips that have always just been with her parents.

I hope you can see how 'oh your mom who's always taken you before can't take you this year but here is my new girlfriend Jessica who wants to be a mother figure to you, by the way she paid for it so you should think better of her for it' can come off as putting pressure on your daughter that frankly a 13 year old shouldn't have to deal with.

Thirdly, you are a huge a**hole and, frankly, a unhelpful s**t-stirrer for knowing that your girlfriend and ex-wife have beef, as you say, but then going to your wife and telling her to thank her ex-friend for paying to replace her usual bonding moment with her daughter, which presumably she enjoys but can't this year because she's struggling.

ADVERTISEMENT

She's not even getting to go on the trip! What on earth should she be thankful for? You two throwing it in her face she doesn't have the money she used to? Yes, your ex has willing made the choices that put her in that position, and yes she's an a**hole for telling your daughter about cancelling the trips knowing that you'd take her on at least one, but you don't come out of this smelling like roses either.

You threw a barrel of gasoline on a fire, you can't pretend to be surprised it blew up in your face. In summary, all the adults in this story suck to various degrees (except for the new husband, he's a non-entity). I know y'all are only human, but be better humans for the sake of the small people who are stuck depending on you.

jobrummy - It sounds like you’re using your girlfriend paying for a trip as a way to get back at your ex wife for not being lenient on you when you didn’t have more money, even though she is the primary caretaker and foots most of the bill for taking care of your daughter.

ADVERTISEMENT

Because major purchases are one thing, but how much money are you actually spending on your daughter’s day to day care? Also, I’m going to assume that whatever your wife and your girlfriend are into it about is very major for her not to trust this woman around her daughter.

Extension-Guess5911 - NTA - 13 is old enough to see how things work out and plenty of kids of divorced parents are used to understanding that vacations are separate things. Just don't be a jerk about how you explain it and I can't see a problem.

[Reddit User] - YTA. And a MAJOR one. What you are thinking of doing is despicable. Leave your child out of your petty money fights with your ex, and for goodness sake, don't put your GF on the front line if there is bad blood with your ex. You two are just stoking the fire.

ADVERTISEMENT

The judgement would have been different if you hadn't involved your GF and THEN rubbed it in the face of your ex, considering they have a bad history. THEN you double down on wanting to tell your daughter, like some kind of superhero dad and GF who will save the day? That's awful, and it may feel good for a second but it will absolutely come back to bite you later on. Both you and your GF

These hot takes from Reddit are candid, but do they cut to the core of the issue, or are they just fanning the flames?

This saga of trips, truths, and tangled family ties leaves us pondering: where’s the line between honesty and harm? The father’s urge to clarify who’s footing the bill is understandable, but the delivery could make or break his daughter’s trust. Co-parenting is a tightrope walk, balancing love, loyalty, and a touch of diplomacy. What would you do if you were in his shoes? Share your thoughts—how would you handle this family drama?

ADVERTISEMENT
Share this post
ADVERTISEMENT

Related Posts

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *