AITA for not cooking and cleaning for my FIL?
A wife refuses to join the family “meal train” for her healthy 70-year-old father-in-law, who expects constant cooking and cleaning six months after his wife’s death. Paul has never done any housework himself, leaving his daughters to bring him meals while he complains about the food and the cost of living.
Complicating the story is the mounting family pressure—sisters-in-law demanding help during the holidays, being labeled elder abusers on Facebook, and calling a church group instead. The poster’s blunt suggestion that Paul learn to use the stove sparked outrage, but her husband fully supported her, highlighting deeper issues of entitlement, gender roles, and dependency.
‘AITA for not cooking and cleaning for my FIL?’
Father-in-law remains helpless after losing wife who handled all chores for decades.
Sisters-in-law beg for meal prep help amid growing complaints and stress.
Poster rejects vacation coverage, tells family to teach Paul basic self-care skills.
Family dynamics fall apart when one member’s lifelong dependence collides with the boundaries of others. Paul’s refusal to adapt after widowhood exploits relatives, weaponizing grief for free labor.
Counterarguments that cultural “traditionalism” justifies his inability, expecting women to seamlessly fill the void, ignore modern realities – what complicates the story is how support workers like Lizzy perpetuate this vicious cycle, recruiting outsiders rather than fostering independence.
Socially, this reflects outdated gender norms that disproportionately weigh on daughters-in-law. As gerontologist Dr. Karl Pillemer notes in Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them (Avery, 2020), “Facilitating dependency in older adults often stems from guilt, but teaching them to be independent preserves the dignity of older adults and prevents preventable burnout.” The poster’s firm stance models healthy boundaries, urging families to prioritize competence over comfort.
Take a look at the comments from fellow users:
Most users applaud the refusal, calling out enabling and unrealistic expectations.
A couple acknowledge the church solution while validating the poster’s non-involvement.
Others add levity, imagining Paul’s potential kitchen disasters without cruelty.
The wife stood firm against family demands to cook and clean for her capable but entitled father-in-law, suggesting he finally learn basic skills instead. Backed by her husband, she avoided the enabling trap that frustrated others, as Lizzy outsourced help to a church group during her vacation.
Have you dealt with “helpless” relatives expecting endless favors? At what point does supporting elders cross into unhealthy dependency, and how do you push back without family backlash?
