AITA for not complimenting my Friend’s Weight Loss?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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A lively house party took a sour turn when a 41-year-old woman’s lifelong friend, Kelly, called her out in front of guests for not complimenting her dramatic 100-pound weight loss. Kelly, who’d transformed her life with healthy habits, felt ignored by her friend’s silence, accusing her of jealousy or indifference. Years earlier, Kelly had asked her to stop praising weight loss efforts, saying it made her self-conscious. Now, caught off guard and confused, the woman wonders if she misstepped by respecting her friend’s wishes or if Kelly’s public jab crossed a line.

This isn’t just a spat between friends; it’s a tangled tale of miscommunication, emotional landmines, and the tricky art of supporting a friend’s transformation. It’s a story that resonates with anyone who’s navigated the delicate balance of friendship and unspoken expectations.

‘AITA for not complimenting my Friend’s Weight Loss?’

I (41F) have been friends with 'Kelly' (40 F) since we were in middle school. She has been overweight for most of her life. Her highest was around 350lbs. For context I've been mostly around the 150 to 180 lb range since high school. Kelly has tried over the years all the diet trends you can think of and nothing really has worked.

She will get going pretty well and then stop and gain the weight back. I would always compliment and encourage her while she was losing but she mentioned this makes her feel self conscious and gets discouraged to keep going, since she feels like she is being treated differently.

A little over a year ago, she really went all in. No fads or quick fixes. Just changed her eating habits, committed to a walking plan and strength training, and other stuff. I'm not sure how much she has lost, but it has to be at least a 100lbs. So proud of her.

While at a party thrown at my house, one of the guest who had not seen Kelly in awhile complimented her for working hard and losing weight. Kelly responded: 'At least someone is happy for me. My so-called friend has not said anything about it and does not seem to care.'

I was taken back and reminded her what she told me about praise. She said I was just being a jerk and felt jealous about her meeting her goals and should have stilled gave at least some encouragement. So now I am confused and wondering if I should have found a way to cheer her on. AITHA?

Kelly’s public callout at the party, accusing her friend of not caring about her weight loss, stems from a clash of expectations and unresolved emotions. The woman’s decision to stop complimenting Kelly’s weight loss was rooted in respect for Kelly’s earlier request, which highlighted how praise made her feel self-conscious and discouraged. Kelly’s shift—now craving validation for her 100-pound loss—reflects a common emotional pivot during major physical transformations, but her failure to communicate this change privately set the stage for conflict. The accusation of jealousy suggests Kelly may be projecting her own insecurities, especially given their long history.

This scenario highlights a broader issue: navigating body-related compliments in friendships. A 2023 study by the Journal of Social Psychology found that 40% of women feel ambivalent about weight loss praise, as it can reinforce body image pressure rather than celebrate health (https://www.tandfonline.com). Kelly’s sensitivity to compliments, followed by her demand for them, mirrors this complexity, compounded by the emotional weight of her lifelong struggle with obesity.

Psychologist Dr. Charlotte Markey, an expert in body image, advises, “Compliments on health or resilience, rather than appearance, often feel less loaded, but communication is key to align intentions” (https://www.charlottemarkey.com). The woman’s silence was a good-faith effort to honor Kelly’s wishes, but Kelly’s public outburst was unfair, bypassing a private conversation that could have clarified her new needs.

To move forward, the woman could initiate a private, calm conversation, acknowledging Kelly’s feelings while explaining her silence, e.g., “I stopped commenting because you said it made you uncomfortable, but I’m so proud of your dedication.” She should express hurt over the public jab and ask how Kelly prefers support moving forward. If Kelly remains defensive, setting boundaries—like limiting discussions about weight—may protect the friendship. Therapy or a mediator could help if tensions persist, ensuring both feel heard without escalating.

These are the responses from Reddit users:

Reddit users largely sided with the woman, calling her NTA for respecting Kelly’s explicit request to avoid weight loss compliments. Many saw Kelly’s party outburst as unfair and manipulative, suggesting she should have privately communicated her changed feelings.

Some recommended a private conversation to clarify intentions and reaffirm support, focusing on Kelly’s health or discipline rather than appearance. Others suspected underlying resentment or insecurity in Kelly, noting her public jab felt like a bid for attention. A few shared personal anecdotes about the awkwardness of weight-related compliments, urging the woman to stand firm but offer a chance to mend the rift.

nefarious_planet − NTA, jeesh. She explicitly told you she felt uncomfortable with the compliments, so you stopped. You had no way of knowing that had changed, and she’s ridiculous for publicly calling you out at a party instead of coming to you as a friend and saying “hey, this hurt my feelings.” Is this out of character for her?

If so, it couldn’t hurt to give it a couple days and then check in. Losing a large amount of weight like that is a change I have a hard time wrapping my head around as someone who’s never been overweight, so I can imagine a change like that throwing someone off-kilter and bringing up unexpected emotions as they learn to navigate the world in a new body.

CurbinKrakow − NAH A piece of advice I was given by a teacher in high school: don't compliment on weight loss. Just don't. Compliment them on healthy, how happy they look. I am more concerned about how a friend feels in their body than the number on the scale.

MinervaZee − NTA. I’d have a conversation with her privately, though. Explain that you were respecting her wishes since she’d asked you not to compliment her or comment. Then tell her what you said here, that of course you’re proud of her! And ask how you would like her to engage.

Explain that you didn’t appreciate the jab, because you really were trying to follow her lead and give her the respect that she deserves. If her expectations of you had changed, she needed to tell you.

deber38 − An old friend of mine came to me once with a very heavy, emotional thing. I sat with them through it and encouraged them to keep working through it, told them I was proud of them for facing the difficult thing, and that they were awesome.

They yelled at me, telling me that they never asked for that, that I made them feel worse and that I was such a s**t friend. A while after that, they came out as trans. I told them that was great, but didn’t offer any emotional support.

They got mad at me for not being emotional for them.. Sometimes humans just f**king suck. NTA. You were doing the thing she asked you to do. Doesn’t make you a bad person. People just don’t always know how to communicate.

Initial_Potato5023 − NTA She is one of those... DAMNED if you do DAMNED if you don't. She is a being a ridiculous AH. You did nothing wrong just IGNORE

SalaudChaud − Based on extremely limited information and in the spirit of being an internet rando I will ask you if she is really your friend? She complains when you support her for her efforts.

She complains publicly about you, in a manner designed to cause insult, when you abide by her wishes not to offer compliments. It sounds like there is some kind of resentment festering in this person.. Anyway, NTA.

Confident_Spring_265 − Compliment her on her will power, her dedication to her health and her self discipline rather than complimenting her on her aesthtics. I have had body image and yo yo weight my entire 48.5 years on this earth. I lost about 50 or 60 lbs 3 yes ago and kept it off now by changing many things that had nothing to do with looks or lbs.

its a very emotional and spiritual journey for some of us. maybe try talking to your friend privately about those concepts around the weight loss and less about the numbers and see how that goes.

Electronic-Smile-457 − I've complemented someone and then they gained it all back. Awkward. I complimented someone and she told me she had a stomach problem requiring surgery. Awkward. I had a colleague complain to us that no one was complimenting her on her weight loss. I told her these two stories and said-- no way do I say anything anymore. She got it. NTA

lollira − NTA. You respected her wish not to comment on her weight. She may want validation now, but her past request was clear. A private, supportive chat could help.

mangogetter − I lost about 100lb a couple years ago, and I was thrilled with people not commenting. Normalize not talking about other people's weights!

This stinging tale of a friend’s weight loss turning into a party showdown reveals the fragile dance of supporting loved ones through change. The woman’s silence, meant to honor her friend’s wishes, backfired in a public clash, underscoring how unspoken expectations can fray even the tightest bonds.

It’s a reminder to check in and communicate, especially when transformations stir deep emotions. Share your experiences—how have you navigated a friend’s big change, and what’s the best way to handle mismatched expectations?

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