AITA for not checking to see if my wife locks the door?
A 34-year-old man recently shared his frustration about a recurring household issue: ensuring that their home is securely locked at night. A few months ago, his wife mentioned that she felt uneasy when the front door was left unlocked overnight. Determined to resolve the issue, he made a concerted effort to always lock the door when he returned home—even if he had to step outside briefly afterward.
However, a recent incident has reignited the debate. His wife, who usually goes to bed before him, claimed that on a recent night she was the last one home and left the door unlocked. Now she’s upset with him for not checking the door, insisting that since he’s usually the last awake, it’s his responsibility. Caught in a cycle of mutual blame over who should ensure the house is secure, he wonders if his refusal to check is unreasonable or if his wife is being overly demanding.
‘AITA for not checking to see if my wife locks the door?’
Family communication experts emphasize that shared household responsibilities, including security measures like locking doors, should be clearly defined and mutually agreed upon. Dr. Melissa Harding, a family dynamics specialist, explains, “In a shared living situation, especially where routines vary, it’s important for both partners to agree on who is responsible for tasks like locking the door. If one partner consistently forgets, then it’s reasonable for the other to remind or even check, but only if that is part of an agreed-upon system.”
Dr. Harding continues, “However, if the expectation shifts to the point where one partner is solely responsible for ensuring the entire household’s security—despite not being the one in control that night—it can create feelings of resentment. It’s important to discuss and agree on a plan.
For instance, establishing a routine where both partners check the door as soon as they enter can prevent blame from being assigned later. In this case, while it’s understandable for the wife to want extra assurance, it’s also fair for the husband to feel that he shouldn’t be held accountable if she, as the last person home, is the one who left the door unlocked.”
Sarah Thompson, a mediator and family counselor, adds, “A practical approach might involve a shared checklist or even installing a smart lock that confirms when the door is locked. This way, both partners have objective evidence of the action, reducing potential conflicts.”
Here’s how people reacted to the post:
The Reddit community has largely agreed that the situation is more of a communication breakdown than one person being outright in the wrong. Many commenters noted that if both partners made it a habit to lock the door immediately upon entering, regardless of who stays up later, there wouldn’t be any blame to go around. One user stated, “NTA – if you always lock the door when you come in, that’s all you can do.
It’s unfair to expect you to check what someone else might have left unlocked if you weren’t the last one there.” Others suggested practical solutions like a smart lock or a joint routine to avoid such misunderstandings. While a few voices mentioned that her wife’s concerns might stem from a need for additional security and reassurance, the prevailing sentiment is that the responsibility should be shared and clearly defined ahead of time.
In conclusion, the conflict over checking whether the door is locked reflects a larger issue of shared responsibility and clear communication in a relationship. The man’s practice of locking the door upon his arrival is a reasonable habit, but if his wife is the one leaving it unlocked when she is the last to be home, it’s not entirely his fault.
The situation suggests that both partners need to come together to set a clear plan for such tasks—whether that means both of them check the door upon returning or using a smart lock that offers confirmation. What do you think—should one partner shoulder the responsibility when the other forgets, or is it more effective to have a mutually agreed-upon system in place? Share your thoughts and solutions in the comments below.
