AITA for not calling up my ex girlfriend after her boyfriend passed away?

In the tangled aftermath of breakups, there are unspoken rules—don’t text, don’t check in, definitely don’t pretend to care unless you mean it. But what happens when tragedy strikes and the rules blur? That’s the emotional minefield one woman found herself in after hearing her ex’s boyfriend had passed away in a tragic accident.

Their six-year relationship had been far from rosy: filled with infidelity, arguments, and emotional tug-of-war. After finally parting ways, she wanted nothing to do with her ex again. But when news of the drowning reached her, she sent a brief condolence text—nothing more. Her ex, however, exploded with fury over the perceived coldness. So, was the text too little? Or was reaching out at all a misstep?

‘AITA for not calling up my ex girlfriend after her boyfriend passed away?’

Navigating emotional boundaries with an ex is never easy, especially when grief enters the picture. In this case, the original poster (OP) was trying to be respectful but maintain her distance—only to be vilified for not doing “enough.”

From a psychological standpoint, grief often intensifies emotional needs, especially when the loss involves a romantic partner. The ex-girlfriend, Anne, may have latched onto OP not out of love, but out of desperation—reaching back to a familiar face when her world crumbled. That doesn’t excuse the outburst, but it offers context.

Still, OP’s actions raise questions too. If she truly wanted nothing to do with Anne, was it wise to text her directly? “Texting to confirm the death before offering condolences puts the emotional burden on the bereaved,” says Dr. Guy Winch, licensed psychologist and author of Emotional First Aid. He adds, “Grief isn’t the time to test boundaries—it’s a time for clarity and compassion.”

It’s also important to note the larger issue: how do you offer kindness to someone who’s hurt you deeply? According to a 2021 survey by YouGov, 47% of people say they’d still offer basic sympathy to an ex in crisis, while 28% said they’d maintain complete silence. The rest? Somewhere in between—awkward, complicated gestures like OP’s text.

In the end, while OP may not owe her ex a heartfelt phone call, she did blur the line by texting. A safer move might have been to confirm the news via mutual friends, then send a formal message or even stay silent. The message here isn’t that we need to comfort our exes—it’s that we should either fully respect our boundaries or accept the emotional consequences of crossing them.

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

Here are some hot takes from Reddit—raw, honest, and a little spicy:

Clearly, Reddit was divided. Some say the ex was manipulative and OP owed her nothing. Others called OP out for stirring the pot with a text and then backing off. And then, there were those who just wanted to remind everyone that bisexuality exists. These are popular opinions on Reddit—but do they reflect emotional reality or just the internet’s taste for drama?

Grief can bring out unexpected emotions—and so can unresolved heartbreak. Whether OP’s actions were cold or cautiously kind depends on how we interpret the boundaries of past relationships. But what do you think? Was a simple condolence text enough, or should OP have picked up the phone despite everything? Have you ever had to comfort someone who once hurt you deeply? What would you do if you found yourself in a similar situation? Share your thoughts below.