AITA for not attending my BIL’s funeral because my sister didn’t invite our parents?

In a quiet corner of a family’s tangled web, a 22-year-old faces a heart-wrenching dilemma: attend their beloved brother-in-law’s funeral or stand by their parents, who were left off the guest list. The air crackles with unspoken grudges as their sister, drowning in grief, draws a hard line, excluding their parents from the private farewell. What began as a promise to support a grieving sibling spirals into a clash of loyalties, leaving everyone raw.

This Reddit story, pulsing with raw emotion, captures the messy reality of family ties strained by loss. The young sibling’s choice to skip the funeral over their sister’s decision stirs up questions of loyalty, boundaries, and the weight of grief. Caught between supporting a sister and honoring parents, where do you draw the line? Let’s unravel this poignant family drama.

‘AITA for not attending my BIL’s funeral because my sister didn’t invite our parents?’

Throwaway, I'm 22 and Kat is 25. My sister 'Kat' married her husband 'Mark' when she was 21. My interactions with Mark were always kind, respectful and it's obvious they loved each other. He was a bit of a negative influence on her though, and because of this Kat, Mark and our parents didn't get along that well.

I'll be the first one to say my parents were pretty strict growing up, but it was never anything that serious, and they always looked out for our best interests. Kat also used this opportunity to go low contact with our parents, but me and her kept in touch.

Mark passed away recently, and the funeral is next week. It's a private funeral so only the people invited can come. Kat invited me and I said I'll be there. I was talking to mom and she mentioned Kat hadn't invited them to Mark's funeral, and they're hurt but they're also worried about her.

I was surprised, and I called Kat later. She said she didn't want mom and dad there, and I replied they just want to look out for her. Kat got pretty mad at me, so I replied I understand she's in a lot of grief right now, but if she's going to try to break our family apart, I unfortunately won't be attending.

Kat said I was 'picking sides' and 'she doesn't want to me there anyway if I'm going to be like that'. She didn't reply to my texts afterwards, I'm just sort of caught in the middle but Kat's angry with me. AITA?

This funeral feud is a raw snapshot of grief colliding with family fractures. The sibling’s decision to skip their brother-in-law’s funeral over their sister’s exclusion of their parents reflects a deeper struggle: balancing loyalty with personal values. While the sister’s choice to bar her parents may seem harsh, her grief and low-contact status suggest unresolved pain driving her boundaries.

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Funerals are deeply personal, and controlling the guest list can be a way to protect emotional space. A 2023 study from the American Psychological Association found that 65% of grieving individuals prioritize comfort over obligation when planning memorials. The sister’s decision aligns with this, but her sibling’s reaction risks widening the family rift.

Dr. Pauline Boss, an expert on ambiguous loss, notes, “Grief can amplify existing family tensions, making boundaries feel like betrayals”. Here, the sibling’s ultimatum may have been an attempt to defend their parents, but it overlooked their sister’s need for control during loss. The parents’ absence, tied to their disapproval of the marriage, likely fueled her choice.

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This story highlights broader issues of navigating family conflict during grief. Open communication—perhaps a heartfelt talk post-funeral—could help mend ties. The sibling could offer support without judgment, while the sister might consider sharing her pain to bridge the gap.

Check out how the community responded:

Reddit’s take on this family drama is as sharp as a mourner’s tears! From calling out the sibling for picking sides to urging empathy for the grieving sister, the community’s reactions are a fiery mix of judgment and compassion.

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Bitter-Conflict-4089 − YTA. You weren’t caught in the middle. You firmly placed yourself in the middle.

Agreeable_Space2759 − YTA. She’s grieving the loss of her husband, she gets to decide who is around her while she does that.

MaggieMae68 − YTA. You don't say in what way Mark was a 'negative influence' on your sister, but reading between the lines it sounds like your parents were more strict/interfering than your sister deemed reasonable and she and her husband had different boundaries.

She had every right to not include people who she didn't feel were supportive of her and her marriage. You had every right to refuse to go when she didn't invite your parents, but that doesnt' make you not TA for refusing to go .

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buttercupgrump − YTA. I read your comment. Mark's alleged bad influences were giving Kat the courage to change to the major she wanted and to resume playing the violin. In other words, he was helping her become her own person instead of being the perfect submissive child your parents wanted her to be.

These are the people you're choosing over your grieving sister. Kat just lost her husband. Her parents don't respect any decisions she makes that differ from their expectations. And now you've let her down. My heart hurts for her.

Cool_Story_Bro__ − Wow. So now Kat lost a husband and a sister.. YTA

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Zarcotix − YTA she’s low contact for a reason. She needs support and obviously didn’t think your parents would support her the way she needed to. This isn’t about you, either go or don’t but you don’t decide if you wanna stomp her boundaries you abide by them or you risk her going no contact with you as well

Sweet_Persimmon_492 − INFO: in what way was he a negative influence on her?

National_Impress_346 − YTA. Not only did you fail spectacularly at being supportive in a very difficult time, your solution was to shove your parents who your sister already does not get on with in her face.

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When she expressed she had no desire to invite them, you shamed her and then punished her by not only withdrawing your presence, but any and all emotional support you could have provided. It is her husband's funeral. You already stated your parents disapproved of the union, and so vocally she went LC.

If she wanted to be shamed for having married him at his own funeral, I'm sure she could have invited them personally without a problem.. This is not a wound that can, or needs to be, healed by you. You way overstepped your boundaries. Also, it begs the question of favoritism.

The way you worded the post makes it sound as though your parents were hard handed and controlling to you kids and, perhaps, you skipped the brunt of it by being the favorite child. I highly doubt your experience with your parents is anywhere near similar to hers.

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You need to reach out and bend over backwards apologizing to your sister and making this right. She already lost her husband and has no desire to interact with your awful parents. The last thing she needs is a smaller support group.. Shame on you.

Far-Juggernaut8880 − YTA- the funeral is about celebrating Mark’s life and as you said your parents were not supportive of him or involved in their lives. So why would they be invited to attend the private funeral. You were a part of their life and must feel like you are abandoning her now by taking your parents side.

If they want to repair their relationship with your sister, they need to respect her wishes and send her their condolences after. After the funeral is the time to start re-building trust and the relationship.

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Fouchington − Ugh YTA. Sister is already LC with parents, you used that she didn't want them there as an excuse to not attend the funeral, even though you already stated you would come.

These hot takes highlight the complexity of grief and loyalty, but do they capture the full weight of this family’s divide?

This funeral fallout shows how grief can turn family ties into a tightrope walk. The sibling’s choice to skip the funeral aimed to honor their parents but left their sister feeling abandoned in her darkest hour. With emotions running high, it’s a reminder that love and loss don’t always play nice. Have you ever faced a family rift during a time of grief? What would you do in this sibling’s shoes? Share your thoughts below!

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