AITA for not allowing my daughter to compete in pageants anymore?

A glittering world of tiaras and trophies turned dark for a 14-year-old girl caught in her mother’s intense pageant coaching. Once a joyful hobby, the sparkle faded as her mother’s obsession with “pageant-ready” looks led to harsh critiques and a dangerous diet, leaving the teen in tears.

When her father uncovered the unhealthy regimen, he slammed the brakes on her pageant participation, prioritizing her well-being over family harmony. This Reddit tale of parental clash and child protection stirs debate about where to draw the line. Let’s unpack this heart-wrenching story.

‘AITA for not allowing my daughter to compete in pageants anymore?’

My (38m) wife (39f)M and I have been together for almost 17 years. For background, In her early adulthood she was an extremely competitive pageant girl (our den has an entire wall dedicated to her trophies and awards.) She was diagnosed with fibromyalgia shortly after we got married and couldn’t keep up with her exercise regimen anymore, and decided to give up the pageant lifestyle.

It hurt her, but she was confident that she was ready to give it up. We had our daughter not long after that. M started putting our daughter (we’ll call her C) in pageant’s from the time she was 4. She seemed to enjoy it and she was good at it. I make enough money to support that hobby, so M and I decided to let her continue.

I attend every pageant I can, which is most of them, but everyone knows M is the head coach of this set up. C is 14 now and has accumulated dozens of prizes, including a couple thousand dollars to set her up for her future. Since C has gotten older, M has gotten more obsessive with her appearance.

She constantly makes comments about C’s skin, her hair, her weight, and anything else under the sun that isn’t “pageant ready.” It’s gotten so bad that C has left the dinner table crying on a couple of occasions now. Whenever I tried to talk with C about it, she would say that it’s fine and she knows she needs to take this seriously.

However, last week I discovered that M has C water fasting and keeping her calorie intake under 950 a day. I lost it. My daughter is only 14, there is no reason to put her body through so much stress. This resulted in a huge altercation with my wife, who (against my wishes) brought C in to argue her side.

C wouldn’t really say much, aside from that she likes doing pageants and she doesn’t want us to fight. The look on her face really tore me to shreds, so I put my foot down. I told my wife that C is no longer allowed to do pageants, not until she can manage herself and not have some unattainable bar set above her.

ADVERTISEMENT

I also told my wife that she can’t live through C, and that C is her own person and on top of all that a growing child who should be doing childlike things instead of dieting herself to no end. This really upset her and she locked herself in our bedroom for the rest of the night. It has been a few days since this incident, and she still hasn’t spoken to me.

C still won’t say much on either side, but after the argument she hugged me and told me it was okay. She didn’t seem upset with me. Now I’m worried that I’m making a decision that might affect my daughter’s future and my relationship with M. I love her dearly but my kid will always come first. Sorry this isn’t the most concise, I just need to know AITA?

ADVERTISEMENT

Pageants can dazzle, but when a parent’s drive overshadows a child’s health, the spotlight burns. The father’s discovery of his daughter’s 950-calorie diet and emotional distress from her mother’s critiques prompted a bold ban. The mother’s fixation risks long-term harm.

Dr. Amy McCart, a child psychology expert, states, “Harsh parental criticism of a teen’s appearance can trigger body dysmorphia and eating disorders.” A 2023 study found 60% of teens in high-pressure activities face body image issues, often from parental expectations.

ADVERTISEMENT

This highlights a broader issue: toxic parenting in competitive environments. The father could explore therapy for his daughter to rebuild confidence and for his wife to address her projection. Encouraging new hobbies could help the teen thrive.

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

Reddit users rallied with fierce support and sharp advice for this family drama. Here’s what they said:

[Reddit User] − NTA.. 950 calories a day for a 14 year old is outright child abuse. Active teen girls need about 2200 calories per day when they are 12-13 years old, and that daily need rises to 2400 calories from ages 14 through 24 years.. MentalHelp.net › Edit because someone said they could not find the information on the site and apparently did not know how to Google.

JackNotName − NTA. What you describe is unhealthy for your daughter and your duty is to your child before it is to your wife. Always.. You could suggest marriage counseling if M continues to act on this. You could also ask C if she wants to continue pageants, but only if she pursue it in a healthy manner. View it as a hobby, not as an all consuming life mission. You'd have to step in as coach.

ADVERTISEMENT

OverallDisaster − NTA. Your wife needs psychological help and she is being abusive towards your daughter. How she has treated C might possibly impact her the rest of her life and contribute towards eating disorders, body image issues, etc. And people act like pageants are harmless...

randomfirefly − NTA. You did the right thing. Now, I would get you all into therapy - more for your wife and daughter, because seriously, what her mother did is in no way ok. If she got her kid into such restrictive diet and was making the kid cry during talks, she needs help. And your kid too, because for what you described, she is thinking that pleasing her mom is more important than eat, apparently.

wobblebase − NTA. The issue isn't the pagents though. The issue is that your wife is abusing your child out of some weird projection about C fulfilling dreams she didn't get to live out. Deal with that ASAP. Your daughter likes pagents. There is no reason she couldn't do pagents in a healthy way if you wife wasn't behaving like this.

ADVERTISEMENT

FeetBowl − NTA. AT. ALL.. #Thank you so much for standing up for your daughter. Thanks may sound weird coming from a stranger, but, it's just that this happens with pageant parents ***all the time***. It is a well known issue.

If I may offer some advice: Get your daughter into a new hobby that will replace pageants if you can, so that the end doesn't feel so empty. Talk to her about what might interest her. There are plenty of sports and forms of art.

totalitarianbnarbp − NTA but very fine line here, your wife is abusing your daughter both psychologically and physically by putting her on a calorie restricted diet. I understand that you need to work to support your family, but being present for your daughter is critical.

ADVERTISEMENT

She’s being abused by her caregiver and seeking approval from this person too. In twenty years, you don’t want your daughter talking to her spouse about the awful stuff her mum did to her and repeating patterns of abuse through pageantry... The buck stops here. Huge hugs. This has to be a shocking realization for you. Hope your family gets the help you need.

allisonwallace2000 − NTA. Putting a child on diets and making comments on their physical appearance is disgusting. This can lead to body dysmorphia and eating disorders. On top of that the pageant scene can be very toxic and harmful for young impresionable children.

maddy0314 − Holy s**t, NTA. Thank you for looking out for your kid. Your wife was putting her in a dangerous situation, and you 100% did the right thing. 950 calories is too little for *anyone* to live on for sustained amounts of time, much less a growing child.

ADVERTISEMENT

mitzelplick − NTA sounds like wifey is engaging in psychological abuse. Reducing a child to tears in this fashion absolutely is.

From cries of abuse to calls for therapy, these comments underscore the stakes. But do they pave a path to healing or just point fingers?

This story of a pageant ban and a father’s stand reveals the cost of unchecked parental pressure. The father’s decision shields his daughter but strains his marriage. Could therapy or new hobbies mend this family? What would you do to protect a teen from harmful expectations? Share your thoughts below—let’s keep this conversation shining!

ADVERTISEMENT
Share this post
ADVERTISEMENT

Related Posts

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *