AITA for not agreeing to go prom dress shopping with my dad’s wife aka stepmother aka the affair partner?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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A teenager’s prom dress shopping should sparkle with joy, but for one 17-year-old, it unraveled a tangle of old wounds. Picture her standing firm, phone buzzing with her stepmom’s eager texts about a girls’ day out—a stepmom who once shattered her world. Years ago, Jen, her mom’s best friend, and her dad tore the family apart with a secret affair, leaving scars that time hasn’t healed. When Jen pushed for prom bonding, the girl chose her maternal grandparents and aunts instead, a quiet rebellion against a painful past.

Now, her dad’s angry calls echo Jen’s hurt, but this isn’t just about a dress—it’s about loyalty, loss, and carving her own space. Readers, ever had to draw a line with someone who hurt you deeply? Her story pulls us into a messy family saga, where saying “no” feels like reclaiming power.

‘AITA for not agreeing to go prom dress shopping with my dad’s wife aka stepmother aka the affair partner?’

The background's all kinds of fucked up and messy so I'll explain that first. My mom was best friends with

After mom had me Jen had two kids and she was single so my mom would help her out. But then when I was 5ish my mom found out dad was the father of Jen's kids and that they'd been having an affair for who knows how long. My mom divorced my dad. My dad didn't want to divorce my mom.

My mom also ended her friendship with Jen and hated her even more than my dad. She felt like Jen should've been one of the people she could trust most in the world and Jen shattered that. My dad and Jen had a rocky start to their official relationship because my dad didn't want mom to divorce him and he tried to get her back.

My mom's family hated Jen and my dad for what they did and Jen most of all because they had known her since she was a kid and had treated her like another daughter/sister within the family. They went from all being close to they would ignore Jen even if she tried talking to them. My dad's family never forgave dad for destroying his marriage to mom.

They really loved mom and had bonded with me but not my dad and Jen's sons. So for them it wasn't some great thing yay more grandkids because they knew it fucked with my life. That meant there was some tension between them and Jen because Jen expected them to be excited from the start. My mom died when I was 10 because of a blood clot.

So I went to live with my dad and Jen and because of the bad blood they kept me away from my maternal side of the family and I didn't get to see my paternal side for the most part because of Jen's issues with them. A couple of years after mom died Jen and my dad were expecting another baby (their fifth) but she died while Jen was pregnant.

Jen wanted my mom's family to be there for her since she wasn't super close to her own family and growing up mom's family had felt like hers. But they shunned her again and according to Jen they felt she deserved it because she hurt my mom. That's what Jen says they told her anyway. Could be true. Could be lies because she wanted me to pity/side with her.

When I lived with my dad and Jen, before and after mom died, Jen tried to keep a good relationship with me because she was Auntie Jen before mom found out she sleeping with dad. She tried to be my second mom. And because I was the only (living) girl it meant Jen was more desperate for some girly time with me.

I went along with it sometimes but I always felt gross being around her. I know my mom would have never wanted me to love Jen like Jen wanted me to love her. And I didn't like that Jen's part in hurting my mom and making my life harder. So I tolerated her but I didn't get close to her like she wanted. My relationship with dad was always weird too.

I know he loved me and he acted like a good dad. But I could never get over the mess he made of our lives. It made me lose respect for him. So I moved out a few months ago. I'm still 17 but I made the excuse that the boys could all have their own rooms and it made sense and I just left and moved in with my maternal grandparents.

That's where I live right now. Anyway, onto the problem of whether I'm TA or not. Jen always said she wanted to take me shopping for prom and when I lived with her and dad I never said no. She talked about it some more after I moved out. But in December I told her I wasn't going with her and I told her I was going with friends so she'd freak less.

Then I messed up and posted on Insta which I didn't know she followed me on and she was pretty pissed about it. My friends were there too but so were my grandma and two of my aunts. Jen was pissed so I didn't answer her calls or read her texts. But then dad called and tore me a new one for doing that to Jen when I knew how much it meant to her.

He told me she's suffered enough and to punish her more isn't healthy. Then he told me I should love her and that I should realize my mom and all my extended family failed me because I could've had a happy family with him and Jen but their bitterness made sure it would never happen. And he said it's about time I accept it.. AITA?

Saying no to a stepmom who doubled as the family’s wrecking ball isn’t just teenage defiance—it’s a boundary drawn in grief’s ink. This 17-year-old’s rejection of Jen’s prom dress shopping invite isn’t about fabric swatches; it’s a stand against a woman whose affair with her dad fractured her childhood. Jen’s push for closeness feels like rewriting history, and the teen’s not buying it.

Let’s unpack the mess. Jen betrayed her best friend, the OP’s mom, and now craves a mother-daughter bond like it’s owed. The OP, meanwhile, carries the weight of her mom’s hurt and her own uprooted life—moving in with Jen after her mom’s death only sharpened that edge. Her dad’s scolding, framing Jen as the victim, dodges his own role in the chaos. It’s a tug-of-war: Jen’s need for redemption versus the OP’s need for distance.

This clash mirrors a broader truth about blended families. A 2021 study from the American Psychological Association notes that 60% of stepchildren struggle with loyalty conflicts, especially when infidelity’s involved . Jen’s role as the “other woman” makes her a lightning rod for resentment, not a neutral stepmom. The OP’s choice to shop with her mom’s family isn’t punishment—it’s allegiance to a lost parent.

Dr. Patricia Papernow, a stepfamily expert, puts it sharply: “Stepparents can’t demand love; they earn it through respect for the child’s pace” . Jen’s insistence ignores the OP’s grief, pushing a bond that feels like betrayal 2.0. Her dad’s claim that the OP “should love” Jen dismisses her agency, piling guilt on a teen already navigating loss. Papernow’s lens shows the OP’s boundary as healthy—she’s protecting her heart, not wielding a grudge.

If you’re in her shoes, lean into honesty. Tell your dad and Jen what you need—space, not forced bonding. Therapy can help untangle guilt from anger. And if family pushes back, hold firm: your feelings aren’t up for debate. Readers, this story’s a gut-check—how do you balance forgiveness with self-respect when family ties twist? Share below and let’s dig in.

Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:

Reddit’s got no chill when it comes to family betrayals, and this thread’s a firestorm of support and shade. Here’s what the community fired off:

shammy_dammy − NTA. No, it's about time HE accepts it.

miyuki_m − NTA. Tell your dad you're not punishing her. Tell him you saw her for who she really is when she betrayed her best friend by sleeping with her husband. It's not a grudge. It's not punishment. You're simply choosing not to trust someone who proved herself unworthy of trust.

You do not owe either of them a second chance. You get to choose how close you allow them both to be. You get to set boundaries with the people who blew up your family and hurt your mother. He doesn't get to scold you for not loving the woman who betrayed your mother and caused her so much pain.

PrairieGrrl5263 − NTA. You owe those homewreckers (your father and your stepmonster) NOTHING.. Side note: is your father paying your grandparents child support? Because he should be.

cupcakemon − NTA, your dad and Jen broke your family. They forced you into this position and even went and isolated you from your maternal side of the family. She doesn't deserve to take you prom dress shopping. Even if you took her when you didn't want to what would happen in future events you don't want to include her in? Is she gonna push and then have your dad call you to yell at you?. Jen doesn't deserve the time of day and either does your dad after what they did

Strange_Depth_5732 − He called and yelled at you for

Tell your dad you know Jen likes to take things that aren't hers and you were worried she'd steal your dress. And you knew he couldn't stand up to her because he's a feckless weenie who lost a great woman because he wanted to get his d**k wet.

They betrayed her in the worst way possible, they don't deserve a second thought from you ever. I hope you captioned your post

RandomReddit9791 − NTA. If anybody denied you a happy family, it's your father and Jen.

Material_Cellist4133 − NTA. Just tell dad “What the whore is going through right now, is what she did to herself. She fucked her best friends husband. What did she expect? Rainbows and sunshines? Her life is miserable because she deserves it.

No one likes her because no one can trust her. If she can do what she did to her childhood best friend, imagine what else she can do. She is a disgusting POS that no one likes because of who she is as a person.”. Then end the call.

Good_Ad6336 − NTA. Oooof if I could message your dad on your behalf it would start sounding like a manifesto. Something like: “Dad. I want to make it crystal clear because apparently you still don’t understand where I am coming from. You made a vow to my mother. You chose her to be your wife and my mother. Then you betrayed her with Jen.

That was your decision. We have all had to deal with the mess that you created. What did I or mom fail to do to made you think “this is nice but it’s not enough. I need a mistress to fill the hole that my family cannot”? I’m truly curious. I know for a fact your cheating was not something I or mom were responsible for. You are the one that is broken.

I remember you begging mom for a second chance. I remember Jen being so delusional, incredibly selfish, and obsessed with mom that she wanted her husband, her family, and her child. You both made promises that you couldn’t keep. And instead of taking accountability and accepting that your actions will always have consequences, you think you can demand people to forgive and forget.

How and why are you surprised that I don’t want Jen to tarnish my milestones? After all, if I’ve learned anything from you and Jen it’s that promises and relationships don’t mean anything to you. You want me get over your infidelity and Jen’s betrayal?

Take your own advice and get over the fact that you missed out on my dress appointment. You will always be my dad, and Jen will always be the woman that destroyed my family and despite trying her best, will never be good enough.”

CookbooksRUs − NTA. Your dad is, Jen is, but not you. Why should Jen get a happy family with you when she helped destroy your family and betrayed your mother in a very hurtful way?

Figgzyvan − Nta.. You can’t force love.

These takes hit hard, but do they see the full picture? Maybe it’s less about revenge and more about a teen finding her footing. What’s your spin?

This teen’s prom dress snub wasn’t about spite—it was a love letter to her mom’s memory and her own healing. Jen and her dad might crave a tidy family portrait, but forcing it ignores the cracks they made. Saying no took guts, a reminder that boundaries aren’t punishment; they’re power. Whether you’d forgive or hold the line, her story asks us all: how do you honor your truth when the past won’t stay buried? Got thoughts? Drop them below—what would you do in her shoes?

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