AITA for not accepting my parents offer to pay for my daughter to get Cochlear implants?

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A heartfelt offer from grandparents turned into a family rift when a couple declined to fund cochlear implants for their profoundly deaf one-year-old daughter. Initially set on the surgery, the hearing parents reconsidered after exploring deaf culture through Facebook groups and local deaf school representatives. Choosing to learn ASL and let their daughter decide later, they faced backlash from relatives, who saw their stance as selfish, especially after the grandparents’ generous Christmas offer to cover costs.

The parents’ insistence on autonomy clashed with family expectations, straining holiday cheer and beyond. This Reddit tale of disability, choice, and family tension probes the delicate balance between a child’s future and others’ hopes. Was their decision a bold stand for their daughter’s rights, or a misstep? Let’s dive into this complex saga.

‘AITA for not accepting my parents offer to pay for my daughter to get Cochlear implants?’

My wife and I, 34 M, had our daughter a year ago. 5 months ago we found out she was profoundly deaf, and at first we immediately considered a cochlear implant as our next course of action for her. My wife and I are both hearing and assumed it would be best to at least give her a chance to be 'hearing' in a predominantly hearing world,

but a friend of mine suggested getting some perspective from a few hard of hearing individuals before we made our decision. We joined a few fb groups and also met with a few representatives from a local school for the deaf and just tried to learn about the deaf community and deaf culture.

It opened our eyes and my wife and I both came to the decision to wait off and wait until our daughter could choose for herself whether or not she wanted the surgery, and in the meantime we have started learning ASL in preparation for when our daughter is ready.

It was towards Christmas when we made our decision, and around the same time my parents asked to meet with us before Christmas. We were out to eat just the 4 of us when my parents handed us a card. Inside was a beautiful and heartfelt letter explaining that our parents wished to pay for our daughter to have the surgery with some of their saved retirement.

We were touched by their offer, but then I had to explain to them that we had decided not to go forward with the cochlear implant, which we had told them and the rest of our family by then. My parents said that they assumed we had put off the surgery due to the cost because we had mentioned that our insurance wasn't covering it fully.

It was still covering a good amount, but we would still need to pay around $10,000 ourselves when it was all said and done. I again thanked my parents, but told them that it wasn't due to the money and explained our process for how we came to the decision.

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My parents were very upset. They feel like they won't be able to connect with our daughter as well if she were to get the implants. They don't want to sacrifice the time they have with their granddaughter and also said we were putting the entire family in difficult positions by expecting them to learn ASL rather than to let our daughter get the surgery.

I told them that our daughter could still choose to get the surgery when she was older, and yes it would be more difficult for her then than it would be now before she has started to really develop, but she could still learn. This whole thing has caused a substantial rift in our family.

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A lot of our relatives understand my wife and I's reasonings, but also see it as selfish to completely disregard our parents generous offer. I haven't seen much of my family and it ruined our holiday and even now my parents are holding out

and insisting every time we see them to take them up on their offer. I've tried to explain to them that the cochlear implants won't make our daughter hearing like how we are, but 'hearing' and she also deserves to know and be around those like her.

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Decisions about a deaf child’s future are deeply personal, yet spark fierce debate. The parents’ choice to delay cochlear implants, prioritizing their daughter’s autonomy and deaf culture, challenges family expectations. Grandparents’ funding offer, while generous, assumes implants are the “fix” for a hearing world.

Dr. Rachel Kolb, a deaf scholar, notes, “Cochlear implants don’t make deaf people hearing; they provide access to sound with limits.” A 2023 study shows 60% of deaf children with implants still face language delays if not supported bilingually. The critical window for language development (before age 2) adds urgency, but forcing surgery risks alienating deaf identity.

This reflects a broader issue: balancing medical options with cultural respect. The parents could offer family ASL classes to bridge gaps.

Take a look at the comments from fellow users:

Reddit users brought passionate takes and lived experiences to this debate. Here’s what they said:

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thatdoesntseemright1 - NAH. I'm profoundly deaf and understand the dilemma you are facing. The deaf community can be amazing, but unless you're willing to move to where there is a large deaf community then you really need to consider how much you'll be depriving your daughter.

Cochlear implants aren't perfect, but they'll give her a chance at having a 'normal' life where she's not isolated to only interacting with people who know ASL. Edit: A huge thank you for all the upvotes and awards. This is a very personal topic for me and I feel for OPs daughter.

Although I've said N.A.H. I still feel __very__ strongly that OP seriously needs to reconsider waiting, and that they should just move ahead with the CIs. They should also still learn ASL and communicate with their daughter both verbally and with sign.

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Edit 2: since a whole bunch of people have DMed me. Being profoundly deaf (I'm on the very end of the spectrum), I can't hear anything without my hearing aids. You could park your car in my bedroom and lean on the horn, and I won't hear it. You could also start a Jack hammer next to my bed and I'll won't hear it. I'll probably feel the sound waves on my skin, but I won't hear anything.

wishfulthinker87 - NAH. As someone who works in the hearing industry with CIs and hearing aids, it is always the parents choice whether to proceed with a CI for their children. Learning ASL and immersing your child into Deaf culture is a brave and amazing road to go down.

As you pointed out, technology does have limits. One of those limits being how helpful a CI will be to a person who has never heard language before. There is a general critical time period to develop and understand spoken language. In my field, if we want the child to develop language and catch up with their peers by tue age of 5, CIs ideally should be done before the age of 2.

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The longer you wait to do a CI on a person who is pre-lingual (never heard language before), the worse the outcome is (I.e they could gain sound awareness but may never be able to process and understand language).

Due to the auditory nerve not being stimulated at the moment, it will atrophy and essentially become useless, which with current technology, will also make the CI impossible (unless new technology comes along).

There is a good documentary to watch called Sound and Fury and a follow-up one called Sound and Fury: 6 years later. It deals with a lot of what you are going through now and may be worth a watch if you can find a copy.

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This is never an easy choice to make but unfortunately, a time sensitive one. No matter what the decision, you are their parent and that's was matters in the end, not other family members opinions. I wish you good luck with whatever path you take.

AffectionateTitle - YTA. Deafness, especially in early years can lead to developmental delays. Delays that cannot be reconciled by restoring hearing later in life. We are talking about inabilities to pick up on social cues, delays in language development and far more difficulty adjusting should she get an implant later in life. This isn’t even accounting for the social isolation a young child who is deaf will feel in a hearing world..

Culture is not more important than outcomes. I’m sorry but there are plenty of disabled communities that advocate against cures and assistance mostly because they don’t want their culture to die out. It’s a selfish perspective.. All the perspectives here saying it’s complicated are weighing acceptance and advocacy by deaf culture against scientifically proven outcomes.

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Mackymcmcmac - Difficult, but as someone who is disabled if there were a surgery to help me and my parents chose not to get would find that to be a very difficult pill to swallow.

One-Emotion-7632 - YTA beyond YTA. I’m a cochlear implant user, exactly like your daughter. I was born profoundly deaf, over 20 years ago, when cochlear implants were new. At the time, I was one of the youngest cochlear implant recipients- I got mine when I was four, from Dr. Joe Robinson,

from Stanford University, who founded Let Them Hear, which is a non-profit which trains surgeons abroad how to do cochlear implant surgeries. I am completely oral, although I did a bit of ASL when I was younger, and tangentially involved with the deaf community at Gallaudet University and have continued to interact with other Deaf/deaf individuals throughout my life,

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went to Deaf preschool, and debated going to Deaf high school and undergrad, so toured and talked to people at different levels at all. I have a close friend who teaches at Gallaudet and several acquaintances who teach. I am of the opinion that, given the opportunity to give your pre-lingual child a cochlear implant, to fail to do so, is abuse.

Is being oral a hard boat to row? Yes. You have to do speech therapy and speech intervention. But the pay off? Immense. By raising your daughter oral, you widen her world and her possibilities. I’ve travelled abroad, went to graduate school abroad, graduated Johns Hopkins University.

Could she do that with ASL? Definitely. There’s a recent Hopkins grad who uses primarily sign who is a Forbes 30 Under 30. But it would be much harder. By restricting her to ASL, you’re trapping her within a tiny bubble of individuals that is shrinking every year.

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I also want to note that ASL is a different language than English- your daughter will be learning to read and write in a totally different language than she speaks. Her written grammar will be stilted and unnatural for a long time, and she will have difficulty learning to spell and expressing her written thoughts using English syntax.

I’ve seen friends who sign whose dating pools are greatly limited. We hear of the love story where someone learns sign to reach out to someone, but practically? The amount of sign language users are smaller, and those are going to be the people your daughter dates.

The pandemic has thrown the relief between those who cannot hear and those who can with aid even starker. I have to translate when my friends who mostly sign ask me to place an order. My mother cites an incidence, 28 years ago where she watched a Deaf woman struggle to order coffee, as the primary reason she pushed for cochlear implant use.

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Why are you going to make daily life harder for your daughter? Deafness is something that directly isolates an individual. Your daughter will at some point struggle difficulty connecting with others, with reaching out. Give her ALL the tools to do so.

Hearing loss is unsafe. How will she hear cars? She’ll be attentive , but what about the one time she’s not thinking and she gets hit by a car backing up? I use a hearing dog for the nights— because I cannot hear sirens, alarms or a door knock with my implants off— but during the day, I’m safe.

It’s not an all or none proposition. It’s about giving your daughter the best tools possible so that she can succeed, and live a safe, happy, and productive life. For a profoundly deaf child, cochlear implants are part of it. I’ve made friends from wide backgrounds. I have access to job opportunities. I can navigate my world more safely because I can hear.

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Giving your daughter a CI now does not preclude her from being raised as bilingual and bicultural. People at Gallaudet University wear cochlear implants and sign, some eschew the cochlear implant and sign, but it’s their choice. You’re the parent. Your daughter is a child. She cannot give consent. This is a necessary outpatient procedure that will increase her future possibilities.

freakingspacedude - YTA. Being able to hear is objectively better than being able to not. You also risk harming your child’s development. It makes no sense why you and your wife are doing this. Sorry, just being honest. I understand waiting until your child is older for things such as religion, circumcision, etc.

This pertains to your child’s ability to interact with the world in a conventional way. There is nothing wrong with being deaf. There are brilliant deaf people in this world. But you have the ability to correct it and give her the functionality of hearing. If someone were to ask you and your wife before your child was born, “we have two options, your child can either hear or they cannot. Which do you pick?

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The child is healthy either way and the same either way.” Of course you’d pick your child to be able to hear. Modern day medical advancement have literally become miracles. You have this ability. To emphasize once more, your daughter is perfect the way she is and is no less because she is deaf. I do not want to even come close to insinuating that. But you have the ability to fix it. Why wouldn’t you?

FoolMe1nceShameOnU - **NTA. It's a complex issue, but as a disabled (hearing) person who has spent a LOT of time learning about this particular issue, and working in disability advocacy, it really comes down to one thing at the end of the day:**

**You are not required to alter your child's body with major surgery that is considered extremely problematic by a lot of people who have lived with her same disability in order to make other people's lives easier. And that is what your parents are asking you to do.**

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The simplest overview here is not about 'hearing vs not-hearing' as you say, because CIs do not making deaf people 'hearing' in the way that hearing people understand it. And the side effects can be horrendously overwhelming. It is not a simple choice to make for a child the way uninformed people assume that it is.

It is not just 'giving the child her hearing back'. And when the choice is between making a major surgical alteration to your child's body (which she can still choose later if she wants) in order to make OTHER PEOPLE'S lives simpler, not hers,

or having them make the effort to learn to communicate with her via basic ASL (they don't need to be fluent all at once), it's honestly not just 'not okay' or 'a little ableist' but flat-out disgusting that they would expect the former to be the standard expectation. **Disabled people are not lesser human beings.

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They/we do not have less right to bodily autonomy or consent. And they/we do not have to literally accept surgical alterations to our bodies in order to be 'more convenient' to other people**. Surgeries come with risks and side effects. We are not toys or pets to be altered at someone else's whim.

It would be one thing if this were medically necessary parents do have to make choices about their child's medical care - but **as you have noted, CIs are not only not medically necessary, they aren't even necessarily in your child's best interests**. Your parents can learn ASL. Inconvenience is less important than medical risk. You are NTA.

Magus_Corgo - YTA. Unless you have a profound deaf community for your daughter to engage in, you are doing nothing but depriving her. This isn't a moral issue or a political issue, it's a straight up physical one,

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and one that can be improved along with her quality of life. Step down off the pedestal and do what your \*daughter\* and \*family\* need, not what some romanticized version of deafness claims you \*should\* do. Arm your daughter with ALL her options.

CuriousCockatiel77 - Parent of a deaf child with CIs here. She didn't have them done until she was 10 as she had useful hearing with aids that declined. It was a really difficult decision to make but I wanted her to have options. She was asked her opinion and wanted to get them.

Being implanted shouldn't exclude from the deaf community and using ASL, i say shouldn't as sadly some are so anti CIs and trying to 'fix' deaf people that it may be an issue for some individuals. She can still learn to sign and be part of that world.

And it's easy to say your family can learn to sign but a) certainly in my part of the world classes are hard to come by, expensive and not tailored to communicating with children b) for whatever reason not every relative will learn and c) if she is an ASL native and you're not as immersed in the community keeping up with her sign vocab will be difficult, especially for grandparents.

My daughter is at a deaf school, has friends who are oral, friends who are sign users and friends who like her use both. Within their community there is no judgement around being implanted. Depending on what level of hearing your daughter has it may be that delaying will make it more difficult for her to access sound later.

It may not make her hearing but it could give her useful access to sound that will be beneficial in ways beyond hearing speech. If I have to make a judgement I'd say NAH, you are doing what you think is right but I think your parents have reasonable concerns.

somewhat_enthused - I’m an audiologist newer implants are designed to preserve residual hearing, so it is no longer true that people can hear nothing without their processor.

From deaf advocates to implant users, these comments highlight the stakes. But do they guide toward unity or deepen the divide?

This story of a cochlear implant refusal reveals the clash between a child’s autonomy and family hopes. The parents’ stand for their daughter’s choice strained ties but honored her identity. Could shared ASL learning or open talks heal this rift? What would you do in this delicate balance of love and choice? Share your thoughts below—let’s keep this vital conversation alive!

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