AITA for never telling my mom I’ve been talking to my brother?

The tension in Ethan’s house crackled like a storm about to break. At 17, he’s been secretly meeting his older brother, Jess, who vanished three years ago, fleeing a home where their father’s harsh words cut deeper than any blade. When Ethan’s mom snooped through his phone and discovered his chats with Jess, her hurt exploded into accusations, branding Ethan a traitor. Now, the family’s turned on him, and the air feels heavy with guilt and loyalty.

Ethan’s story pulls us into a messy tangle of family ties and hidden truths. Caught between protecting his brother’s freedom and his mother’s pain, he’s navigating a minefield no teen should face. Readers can’t help but feel the weight of his choice: honor his brother’s trust or ease his mom’s heartache? This raw, emotional drama hooks us from the start.

‘AITA for never telling my mom I’ve been talking to my brother?’

I (17m) have been talking to my brother for years w/o my parents knowing. “Jess” my older bro took off the night before his 18th bday 3 yrs ago. He just basically left a note telling them he’s never gonna see them again and done with our family.

I know it sounds dramatic but our family really does suck. My dad’s a huge ass and because Jess wasn’t his real son (my mom had Jess b4 she met my dad) he was always a bully to Jess.. He treats me like s**t but f**k he was way worse on my brother.

My dads mostly verbal but you feel it when he talks s**t and yells. Even when you’re not doing s**t he’ll look for whatever reason to get in ur face. My mom doesn’t do anything about it except tell us not to make my dad mad. She used to have fights with Jess a lot because she wouldn’t do anything to defend us.

They didn’t know where he went and I didn’t for a while until he started coming to see me after school. I tell him how stuff is at home and we hangout. He asked me not to tell them we talk though because then my mom would try to find out where he is or try to talk to him and he doesn’t want that.

Jess said only reason he comes around is because he didn’t want me to feel alone dealing with them. Jess isn’t a bad person btw. Like he’s been working and paying for his college on his own. Plus he used to tutor me for my math class when we’d meet up.

So yeah we been talking and my mom continued not knowing where he is. He promised once I’m 18 I can move in with him so I don’t have to stay stuck in that house anymore which I can’t wait for. This all came out after my mom went looking in my phone and found me talking to him on Kik.

She figured out it was him and has been pissed at me for never telling them I was talking to him. She’s mad all this time she had a way to reach out and said I was a s**tty son for not telling her. My mom tried messaging him and he stopped replying. She’s trying to get me to give me his info which I don’t really know..

The whole family found out though and they’re saying what I did was really wrong. Because my mom spent years missing him wanting to talk and I knew all this time. I haven’t talked to my bro yet. I’m waiting for s**t to calm down but it’s super tense at my house. Everyone is treating me like I deeply hurt my mom and don’t know if I was an a**hole for never telling her.

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Ethan’s secret talks with Jess expose a family fractured by verbal abuse and neglect. Protecting his brother’s whereabouts reflects loyalty, but his mom’s reaction reveals her own unresolved pain. A 2022 study by the National Institute of Mental Health found that 1 in 5 teens in abusive households face loyalty conflicts (NIMH). Ethan’s dad’s verbal tirades and his mom’s inaction created a toxic dynamic, pushing Jess to cut ties.

Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, trauma expert, states, “When parents fail to protect, children often seek safety elsewhere” (Bessel van der Kolk). Jess’s escape and Ethan’s secrecy are survival tactics, not betrayal. Mom’s anger likely stems from guilt over her role in enabling the abuse, but blaming Ethan is misplaced. Both brothers are navigating a home where trust was broken long ago.

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This reflects broader issues of family dysfunction, where enabling abuse can alienate children. Ethan’s choice to protect Jess is a stand for safety, but it risks escalating family tension. Dr. van der Kolk suggests teens in such environments seek supportive allies, like Jess, while setting boundaries with toxic parents. Ethan could maintain his stance by refusing to share Jess’s info, focusing on his own exit plan at 18.

For solutions, Ethan should prioritize his safety and mental health. Talking to a school counselor or trusted adult can provide support until he can join Jess. His mom needs to address her enabling behavior, perhaps through therapy, to rebuild trust.

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Check out how the community responded:

The Reddit gang rolled up their sleeves for Ethan’s story, delivering a lively mix of fist bumps and sidelong glances. It was like a barbecue where everyone had a hot opinion and no one was afraid to share it. Here’s the raw scoop from the crowd:

MsB0x − NTA. You’re in an abusive situation that’s enabled by your mom. You don’t owe her the details that would allow her to drag somebody else back into that dynamic.. I hope you can get out when you’re 18. Take care of yourself.

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Alert-Potato − NTA - your mother spent 14 or more years sitting by and watching Jess be abused and didn’t do a g**damn thing about it except blame him for it by telling him to stop making your dad mad.

Jess was absolutely right to cut all contact, and you were right to protect him. Every person involved in this who thinks you should give an abuse victim’s contact information to one of their abusers is an a**hole. Only you and Jess are not.

evam1985 − NTA. Its your moms choice to let it come this far.. Please promise me you'll move in eith your bro when you can. Your brother is an adult and he made the descision to break up with your mum. Whe he is up for it he can seek contact with her, she 'll have to respect that.. Been in same kind of situation

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Laramila − my mom spent years missing him wanting to talk. Yeah, and your mom also spent years letting her husband abuse both her sons, so there's that.. NTA. Leave as soon as you can.

Flocceenaucee − NTA. Please please don't give her any information. When you can let him know what happened. You need him and he needs you. You are his only family. He needs you. Who wants to be kicked like a dog all the time? He left for his mental health and peace of mind.

His life will be tougher and where he lives not as nice as your house but better a hovel with love than a Palace with strife. I know its a big responsibility and really tough but do your best because if you decide in the future to go NC you will have Jess which will be a whole lot easier than how Jess had it; there will always be some one who has your back.

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Your 17 so not long now. And for safety have you got all of your important paper work? I would hide it somewhere else because the family will be very cautious with you given your age and the fact that you are in contact with Jess. Of course your mum will be crying blue blood now.

She didn't protect him but she won't recognise that. Good or bad parents have no automatic right to their kids once they become adults and are out in the world. Adult children come back to good parents. I wish more parents would realise this.

DncgBbyGroot − NTA. I am so sorry you and your brother were raised in an abusive household and that you are stuck there until you turn 18! As the older sibling who grew up in an abusive household,

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but who waited until way too late in life (37) before going 'no contact' with my patents, I am so happy your brother was astute enough and strong enough to leave, so he could live his life on his own terms.

I think it is wonderful that he is spending time with you still and that he has given you a means of escaping your abusive parents. You did the right thing by not telling your parents you were speaking with him and not giving them any information regarding his whereabouts.

I love that you are also astute enough to understand the situation and not fall back on societal norms of 'honor thy father and thy mother' or any other related nonsense. Not every parent deserves to be honored. Not every parent should have been allowed to become a parent in the first place.

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Just remember that family is an accident of biology. Once you turn 18, you can choose who you want to keep in your life. It sounds like your brother is much better family to you than your parents are. Best of luck! I hope your situation improves soon!

Swegh_ − NTA - he’s hiding from his abusers. Yes, that includes your mom. She may not have been the one yelling at him but she didn’t stop the abuse and actively enabled it. Your brother is trying to protect himself and you did nothing wrong by protecting him too.

Do not give your parents his info. He does not want to be contacted by them for a reason. Escape as soon as you’re able to. Your mom may also be abused but that doesn’t excuse what had happened to you or your brother.

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basementdiplomat − NTA. Your home life is super s**tty and that's why he left. I'd take him up on his offer to move in. You don't need to keep in contact with them after you reach the age of majority, don't let her send you on a guilt trip.

ComfortableZebra2412 − NTA your mom does not deserve her kids if she allows them to be treated so bad for so long. Your brother deserves to be protected

bearkat671 − NTA. Protect your brother. You’re doing the right thing

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These Redditors chimed in, cheering Ethan’s loyalty or slamming his mom’s inaction. Some saw Jess’s escape as a master move; others urged Ethan to bolt at 18. But do their fiery takes capture the full picture, or are they just fanning the flames?

Ethan’s story is a gut-punch, laying bare the scars of a family torn by abuse and silence. His loyalty to Jess shines as a beacon of hope, but his mom’s hurt reminds us how messy family ties can be. As Ethan counts down to 18, his dilemma asks us to weigh trust against guilt. What would you do if caught between a sibling’s safety and a parent’s pain? Share your thoughts below!

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