AITA for making my (40F) eldest daughter (15F) do more work than her siblings?

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In a bustling farmhouse, where the scent of fresh hay mingles with the chaos of family life, a mother grapples with a parenting misstep that’s fraying her bond with her eldest daughter, Anna. At 15, Anna’s a whirlwind of energy, tackling chores with gusto while her younger siblings, especially 13-year-old Sarah, dawdle or dodge duties altogether.

But Anna’s patience is wearing thin, her once-quiet sighs now sharp retorts, as she calls out the unfairness of carrying the family’s workload. Her mother, torn between exhaustion and guilt, wonders if she’s failed as a parent. This Reddit user’s story pulls readers into a raw family drama: is it fair to lean on the “good” kid, or is this a recipe for resentment and fractured trust?

‘AITA for making my (40F) eldest daughter (15F) do more work than her siblings?’

My daughter Anna, 15 going on 16, is great. She does all her work, she doesn't throw tantrums, and is energetic. But, I think over the years, especially as she became a teenager, she realized that she did much more work than her 3 other siblings. Don't get me wrong, she still does her chores,

but every know and then she acts up to somehow prove to us that what we were doing was supposedly unfair. For example, when I told her and her sister, Sarah, (13F) to hang the clothes, Anna came out first and starts doing her job while Sarah took more than 5 minutes.

Anna got annoyed and tells me that her sister is taking so long and that she's already nearly finished. I was conflicted - Anna was already nearly finished and if I asked Sarah to go and help her, Sarah would likely get mad. I thought it was not worth it, and told Anna to please just finish herself.

When things like this happened, usually Anna would just sigh and say okay. But more often now, she leaves her job unfinished. When I gently tell her to go and finish it (usually I am busy with farm work, making dinner, etc) Anna triumphantly says something along the lines of 'Well you didn't tell Sarah to go and do it, why are you telling me?'

Today as Anna, me and my husband worked at the farm, she said she thought Sarah was so selfish. She was going on about how we never really saw Sarah's true side, how bullied our son (we have already seriously talked to Sarah about it), how Sarah was so 'dumb' and the reason why Anna will never have kids was because she shared Sarah's genetics. I felt terrible.

Last night we always have 2 hours of study after school for all the kids. Sarah decided upon herself to finish 30 minutes early, and Anna told me what happened. I was tired after farm work, and was definitely not up for an argument. I ignored Anna and went to teach my son.

Anna never said anything after, but she has started speaking to me less. Talking less. I don't know if this means anything but I saw her writing in her diary last night when I went to shower. I feel like ever since she became a teenager, she started diaries and I sometimes see her writing in it before night. I don't pry and leave her be, but I feel like she is hiding something against us.

These days she is not afraid to express her h**red against them, even in front of them. Her and her siblings have extremely rough relationships. They never exactly go into full on arguments and fights, but will definitely take malicious jabs at each other.

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My daughters themselves have already made it clear to me that they hate eachother. My kids all hate eachother. Anna especially hates her siblings. I feel like Anna is starting to not trust me and my husband anymore. I feel like a failure of a parent. I don't know what to do.. AITA?

Parenting a house full of kids with clashing personalities is no small feat, but this mother’s story reveals a costly oversight. Anna, the reliable eldest, shoulders more chores while Sarah skates by, sparking resentment. The mother’s choice to avoid conflict with Sarah, even when Anna flags issues like bullying, signals favoritism, intentional or not. Anna’s withdrawal—less talking, diary-writing—suggests she feels unheard.

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Dr. Laura Markham, a parenting expert, says, “When parents unevenly distribute responsibilities, it breeds resentment and erodes trust”. Studies show 65% of teens in multi-child households notice unequal treatment, often leading to sibling rivalry. Sarah’s unchecked behavior, from skipping chores to bullying, reinforces Anna’s sense of injustice.

This taps into a broader issue: parental burnout can lead to leaning on “easy” kids, risking their emotional well-being. The mother could start by apologizing to Anna, validating her feelings, and enforcing equal chore accountability. Family meetings to set clear rules might help.

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Here’s how people reacted to the post:

Reddit didn’t mince words, serving up a mix of empathy for Anna and tough love for her mom. With a dash of humor, users called out the parenting fumble that’s pushing Anna away. Here’s what they had to say:

Valoneria - YTA. Every excuse made on Sarah's behalf never apply to Anna, the bullying, and the unwillingness to deal with Sarah. Either someone is a golden child, or someone knows how to throw the biggest tantrum. This is an issue that'll devolve into necessary therapy soon, if you wish your kids to stay on good feet with Sarah, and you as well.

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psychology_trainee - YTA. You’re punishing your oldest for behaving in a great way and avoiding parenting your younger daughter because it could be difficult.. Anna has clearly caught on that there is a double standard and is rightful upset. For instance, rather than have Sarah help Anna with laundry, when you realized it would make Sarah upset,

to save yourself from having to deal with Sarah’s attitude you just let Anna do extra work. Sarah’s attitude should have been your problem as the parent and not become Anna’s problem by you not wanting to cope with it. Parents it super hard and so I hope this isn’t too harsh, but since you’ve ask, I do think you’re the A in this situation.

DaCrazyFangirl - YTA. This is coming from a 17 year old girl with two little brothers. One is 9 years younger than me, the other is 12 years younger. I babysit them for about six hours a day every weekday on top of school work. It gets really hard sometimes to the point I wish my parents didn’t have them (even if I love them both to hell and back).

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It’s also the reason I’ve known I want to be child free since middle school. Considering your chilren are all around the same age, that is only making it worse. You need to stop letting Sarah off the hook because she’ll throw a tantrum and not Anna because ‘she’s the oldest.’

The way I see it based on the stories I’ve read and the ones told to me by friends that grew up in not-so-nice households, if you keep this up, Sarah will turn into a lazy entitled brat when she becomes an adult, and Anna will move out of the house the moment she is 18 and there is a very real chance she won’t want to connect with you once she’s an adult.

If I’m being honest, your favoritism is what is causing anna to hate her siblings and not want to do her work or trust/talk to you. Anna is someone who either has trouble saying no, or just isn’t that confrontational if you are to ask me. It doesn’t matter how you say it. Being a teenager may be contributing to it, but please, PLEASE stop before it destroys your relationship with your daughter like it did with me and my dad.

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[Reddit User] - My daughter Anna, 15 going on 16, **is great. She does all her work, she doesn't throw tantrums, and is energetic.** But, I think over the years, especially as she became a teenager, **she realized that she did much more work than her 3 other siblings**.

Don't get me wrong, she still does her chores, but every know and then she acts up to somehow prove to us that what we were doing was supposedly unfair.. Anna sounds like an angel, a golden child, well behaved. For example, when I told her and her sister, Sarah, (13F) to hang the clothes, **Anna came out first and starts doing her job** *while Sarah took more than 5 minutes.*

Anna got annoyed and tells me that her sister is taking so long and that she's already nearly finished. I was conflicted - Anna was already nearly finished and if I asked Sarah to go and help her, **Sarah would likely get mad. I thought it was not worth it,** and told Anna to please just finish herself.

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Who's the parent here? Sarah, or you? And in the first sentence - Anna is again proving how wonderful she is, by getting up and doing her chore. While *Sarah* procrastinated - and ultimately got what she wanted in the end, she didn't have to do a single thing. She didn't even lift a finger.

Today as Anna, me and my husband worked at the farm, she said she thought Sarah was so selfish. She was going on about how we never really saw Sarah's true side, how bullied our son (we have already seriously talked to Sarah about it), how Sarah was so 'dumb' and the reason why Anna will never have kids was because she shared Sarah's genetics. I felt terrible.

I'm not trying to be harsh, but ultimately this is yours and your husbands faults. Anna knows pretty well whats going on, and she's even defensive and protective over her brother. Last night we always have 2 hours of study after school for all the kids. **Sarah decided upon herself to finish 30 minutes early**, and Anna told me what happened.

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I **was tired after farm work, and was definitely not up for an argument. I ignored Anna and went to teach my son.** Anna never said anything after, but she has started speaking to me less. Talking less. I don't know if this means anything but I saw her writing in her diary last night when I went to shower.

I feel like ever since she became a teenager, she started diaries and I sometimes see her writing in it before night. I don't pry and leave her be, but I feel like she is hiding something against us. Sarah is making up her own rules, and you're *letting her do it.*

And you seriously just ignored Anna? Whats wrong with you? No wonder why she's pulling away from you, and you immediately jump the gun and think ANNA'S the one hiding stuff from you? Why does Sarah not get any of this attitude from you when SHE'S the one CONSTANTLY doin't the wrong thing??

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Anna especially hates her siblings. I feel like Anna is starting to not trust me and my husband anymore. I feel like a failure of a parent. I don't know what to do. Anna has every right not to trust her parents, because her parents completely failed her. They failed to take her seriously, they failed to enforce rules on her younger siblings while being too hard on Anna in the exact same breath.

And they failed to fully stop the bullying and the chaos amongst their children till now. And honestly, throughout your ENTIRE post, I couldn't stop thinking about how LOVELY Anna is, and how she's such a well-behaved girl that listens. But at the same time, my heart breaks for her because her own parents cant see all of that.. You can do better OP.. **YTA.**

Varyx - Everyone sucks a bit apart from Anna, but mostly YTA. She doesn’t trust you because you have repeatedly made it clear that you value Sarah’s goodwill over Anna expressing her problem to you. Step up and be a parent - that means all the bad bits of parenting too, not just the bits you feel like doing.

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[Reddit User] - YTA. Seems like one of your daughters is amazing and you basically punished her for it.

GoldenVole - You do know what to do. You’ve just described the problem. In order to do that, you have to be aware of the problem. You have just decided you’re too tired to make the effort needed to deal with it. Anna is being punished with extra chores for being responsible. Sarah is suffering no consequences at all for being lazy and selfish.

Anna is starting to resent being landed with everyone else’s chores, with absolutely no support or backup to rectify this from her parents. Support Anna. Discipline your other kids and make everyone pull their weight equally. Otherwise your family is going to degenerate further under the weight of laziness,

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selfishness and resentment, which you are responsible for allowing to develop. Extra chores for the only kid that does her chores, because you can’t be bothered dealing with/ parenting the ones that don’t, isn’t “supposedly unfair”, it IS unfair. YTA.

TessMacc - Sorry, but YTA. Of course she's rebelling/acting out a bit if you're treating her unfairly, and of course it's going to affect her relationship with her siblings. I understand that parenting children with very different personalities/attitudes is hard,

but an apology and discussion might go a long way here. Edit: The diaries are no cause for concern. It's very common for teenage girls to keep them, and it's actually a good way for them to sort through their ideas and emotions.

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vandajoy - YTA. I remember when I was a kid, my brother would refuse to do his chores and I’d be the one who did them since I was polite and behaved. Even though I was a literal 12 year old and he was 17. It’s not fair to get the other kid get away with it, and the “good” kid definitely notices

Seelvor - ESH, except Anna. You have admitted to playing favourites with your children, and it seems that Anna is the one who is experiencing the worst of it. I would say that, on the balance or probabilities, she’s writing in her diary because she feels like she can’t talk to you, and you have made this clear in your post.

Sarah, knowing that if she drags her feet can get out of chores, has been playing you and Anna has been experiencing the fallout. When she left the table early during homework time and you didn’t call her out on it, you basically gave her permission to do so.

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You not investigating the comments about bullying the younger brother has given her approval to do so. You may have damaged your relationship with Anna beyond repair, and while I acknowledge that you’re busy with farm work, I would say that you need to take a long look at your priorities.

Reddit’s got a lot to say, but are they onto something, or just piling on the shade?

This mother’s struggle to juggle farm life and parenting has left her eldest daughter, Anna, carrying an unfair load, fueling resentment and sibling strife. Her hesitation to discipline Sarah risks alienating Anna for good. Is she wrong for leaning on her “good” kid, or is this just the chaos of parenting? What would you do to rebuild trust and balance chores in a busy household? Share your thoughts or experiences!

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