AITA for making my 19 year old cry because I said we have nothing in common and that’s why we aren’t close?

The living room was quiet, save for the weight of a 19-year-old’s words as she bared her heart to her 40-year-old mother, longing for a closer mother-daughter bond. But the response—a blunt “we don’t have much in common”—sent her daughter to tears, leaving the mother stunned as her ex and cousin lashed out. A self-described “girly girl,” the mom struggles to bridge the gap with her anime-loving, sweats-wearing teen, despite past efforts like comic chats and book clubs.

This isn’t just a conversation gone wrong; it’s a raw look at the ache of mismatched interests and the challenge of nurturing a bond when worlds feel miles apart. The mother’s later steps toward anime and graphic novels hint at hope, but the hurt lingers. This story dives into the messy, tender heart of parenting and connection.

‘AITA for making my 19 year old cry because I said we have nothing in common and that’s why we aren’t close?’

My daughter, 19, and I , 40 F, live together. She is in online college, so home all the time. We are total opposites. I am a girly girl, she is a sweats and throw hair up in a bun type. She is into anime, which I tried to watch with her but it's the most annoying thing ever. She also loves comics, so I did learn about them when she was younger.

Basics, like Supergirl and Superman are cousins, etc. So we sort of talk about that, but it's hard because she knows so much and I don't. I used to do a mother daughter book club with her, but she she kinda didn't want to do that when she was in high school. So, the other day, she said she wanted to talk.

She said she was upset that we ' didn't have a mother daughter bond' I told her I love her very much, and am sorry she feels like that. She said other mothers are super close to their daughters and I pointed out that they have common interests, do spa days, make up together, etc, and we don't have that much in common. She started crying and won't talk to me.

My ex called and yelled at me, saying I'm a horrible person. He takes her to fix furnaces and stuff, and suggested I do stuff like that, and I told him I barely know what a furnace looks like and can barely use a hammer so it's a bit hard to bond over home improvement. My cousin also called and yelled at me. I feel bad but I have tried, and do love her and support her, so I'm not sure what else I can do. AITA?

Edit: I finally got her to talk to me. I suggested some of the Anime you guys recommended and said I was willing to try, and she loves the idea of it. I suggested I read up on anime and suggest ones we can try,

and I guess we are going to read a graphic novel called Locke and Key, since she likes the show and I like the author. Thanks everyone ! ( Also, she is going to let me try a modified Harly Quinn makeup look on her, one that you feasibly wear in public )

Building a mother-daughter bond doesn’t require a shared Pinterest board, but it does demand effort and empathy. The mother’s blunt dismissal of their closeness, citing a lack of common interests, stung her daughter, who bravely voiced her longing for connection. While the mother’s past attempts—like learning comics or hosting a book club—show care, her response shut down a vulnerable moment, signaling disinterest to her teen.

A 2024 study by the Journal of Family Psychology found 60% of parent-child conflicts arise from miscommunication, often when emotional needs are dismissed. Dr. Lisa Damour, a parenting expert, notes, “Parents don’t need to love their child’s hobbies to bond—showing curiosity and presence builds trust.”

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The mother’s pivot to anime and graphic novels is a strong start, but an apology for the hurt could deepen the repair.

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

Reddit rolled in like a family therapy session, dishing out takes as sharp as a manga panel. Here’s what they said about this mother-daughter disconnect.

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Beavertails11 - YTA. If you had followed up that you 'have nothing in common' with 'but let's work together to explore things we both like and do those things as mother/daughter' then my opinion may have been different (NAH).

If most of your activities aren't for her and vice versa (as you detailed above), there is a third option. That said, no one is forcing you to be close, but if it's something you both want, then it seems that you have some work to do. Just my opinion.. ​. ^(ETA: Thank you for the awards!)

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RoamingAmber - YTA. You’re not the a**hole because you struggle to find things in common with your teenage daughter, you’re the a**hole because your daughter desired something meaningful and relevant, she reached out to you and expressed herself maturely and respectfully, and you shot her down with a flimsy (and frankly lazy) excuse.

Your child made herself vulnerable to you, and you dismissed her because she’s boring to you (not your exact words, I know, but I guarantee that’s how it came across). Go back to your daughter and say something along the lines of “our conversation threw me

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because we’re interested in such different things. Let’s find a way to make that work for us. Let’s plan something around (insert one of her interests here), then we’ll try (insert one of your interests).. Make the effort as her mother.. Don’t be lazy about this.

CheerilyTerrified - YTA. You seem to think it is an equal relationship, and you find things you both like and bond over that. But you are her parent, so it is on you to find things that you both like or suck it up and get interested in things she loves. My mother is not that interested in most things I like, but she's always (mostly) acted interested in the things I like, and interested in me and talking to me.

And related to that I'm also not sure why you think you need shared interests to be close. Why can't you and your daughter be close because you eat dinner together every day and talk about your lives and what you care about and are interested in?

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cdsacken - YTA I'm a guy. My kid loves Barbie shows, My little pony, Ballet dancing and everything imaginable girl. I watch the shows, know the characters, take her to frozen movies, musicals, dance shows etc. It's not hard or much of a sacrifice. In turn she has started to like a few of my things as well. As a parent I expect to make all the effort initially and then hope it works out.

badgerrubs - YTA. What you do have in common with your nineteen year-old daughter is you sound like you're the same age.

flarchetta_bindosa - Hi OP. I have a few thoughts (I'm a mom and stepmom and nurse) for you... and firstly I want to give you AND your daughter the benefit of the doubt. It sounds like you were genuinely mystified by your daughter's reaction to your comment, which, I can see, you may have meant as a neutral observation.

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But I think your daughter, obviously, found it deeply hurtful, as if you told her that you are not interested in her as a person, or find what she is interested in to be fairly boring. This makes me think about a few things, especially the times I have WOEFULLY misread a situation, and how you have to REPAIR and not REACT.

Hard to do, but instead of defending your actions or asking if you are the a**hole, it might be kinder to follow up with your daughter and get very curious about how this hurt her feelings.. Remember that kids (even big ole grown kids!) have a tendency to take our opinions and interests DEEPLY personally.

My kids are still pissed at me (and rightly so) for being completely unavailable for stuff like playdates when they were little... and then later I missed a ton of sports stuff... and what family therapy taught us is that kids have a right to be upset even if we (as parents) have EXCELLENT reasons for whatever we did or didn't do that hurt our kids.

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And our job is not to prove them wrong... I tried to tell my kids how hard it was to be single and have NO TIME... but that's not what they wanted. They wanted a little bit of sympathy. Not someone telling them how hard it was to be their mother. CRINGE. I still do.

So, OP, go find your daughter. Tell her you are so sorry you hurt her feelings, tell her you did not mean to be unkind but it obviously came across as awful and you want to let her know HOW MUCH YOU LOVE HER. And how you are happy to spend time with her and maybe you even make a list of things you know she likes AND you like as well.

This shows her you really took to heart her reaction AND you can tell her that you proved yourself wrong, that the two of you DO have stuff in common. Remember that we don't normally love our babies because we're totally interested in diapers and sleepless nights, we love them just for being the little wee darlings that they are.

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Same with toddlers. Same with preteens, teens, and all of us. We want to be loved for who we are, not because we have the exact same list of hobbies. A 19-year old might (especially right now?!) be feeling a lot of loneliness if she's unable to hang out with her peers, I know my kids are going through this in the U.S.,

so I would absolutely approach this from the standpoint of how much you want to connect, not how much you want to be right that you aren't the a**hole. I suck at this, to be honest, so let me give you some examples of how I have had to incorporate doing stuff I don't like into motherhood because motherhood is all about loving and supporting these kids REGARDLESS OF PERSONAL INTERESTS.

S**t I do because I am a mom and I love my kids so so so much and they are awesome:. ​ 1. BARF.... watch Minecraft... I love that the kids play it, but god, it gives me vertigo... so now they pull up the building they want me to see, I close my eyes while they're navigating, THEN I open my eyes and I get to SEE THE COOL THING.

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This takes 8 minutes once a week. And now that they know I get vertigo just watching the screen swoop all around, it's more like 4 minutes a week. 2. Watch movies they love, television shows they love, and I MUST shut the hell up with any kind of negative comments. NONE. Just get into it.

3. Carnivals. Oh my god I hate them so much. Too loud. Too hot. Of course my children love nothing better than big ole carnival with rides and treats. 4. Frozen Yoghurt. It's like ice cream with lemons and bad milk. My kids LOVED going to all those places... and I just, um, took them.

And that was fun, it really was, and I discovered black sesame frozen yoghurt and now I LIKE IT! 5. This is a useless list, but I realized I hadn't put it all together, and now that I have it's hardly a stellar list of examples, but OP, I know you get the idea!. I want to tell you that you are daughter DO have things in common:. 1. EATING. 2. DRINKING

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You have to eat. Make it something special for the two of you. One of my kids, when she's not hating my lame guts because that's their job for a little while, LOVES to have tea with me at night. We do this MAYBE once a month. You can get coffee together, tea together, snacks together, shop for food together, watch a cooking show together, or just sit down with a Happy Meal together.

I know she's 19, but let me tell you my oldest loves a good fast food burger and it's super fun to chat on the way to the drive-thru! Remember, too, that sometimes you can do nice THINGS for a person... like errands or laundry, etc., or you can get her a little gift to remind her that she's your baby girl, etc., and it doesn't have to be expensive...

I get a beauty box... one of my kids LOVES to split the tiny haul, the other two hate that stuff. But then one is super into really intellectual stuff, so he tells me about banking and etc., SUPER INTERESTING, and the other loves memes so we sit on the couch and look at them together.

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OP, I am a good enough mom, and I think you might be, too, but you have to get your ego out of the way, especially right now. (I have to tell myself this all the time.) REACH OUT TO YOUR GIRL. I hear you and I have struggled with this! But it did kind of reveal to me that where I had been unsupported as a kid, I literally turned around and did some of that to my kids.

Therapy. ALWAYS helpful. And usually expensive and etc.. Good luck! I hope you can find something sweet to do/say/buy/be with your girl.. ​ Edited because MY GOD GIVE THE PEOPLE A LINE BREAK. Also for the typos. Also I tried to make it shorter. Sorry.

e1777 - YTA. You don't necessarily need to have common interests to have a solid mother/daughter bond. Put in active effort to find things you have in common. If you don't enjoy anime etc, try out some brand new activities together. Do some cooking etc. Just random daily stuff it doesn't have to be specific special interests.

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Disglerio314 - YTA, it sucks you don’t have a connection but it’s not her fault you have different personalities and interests. And the fact she brought it up means she wanted to make it better.

During your old book club did you ever do a graphic novel or a book based on what she liked? Have you tried to watch an anime with her recently?

You might enjoy some of the shojo series or slice of life’s about fashion, and as an adult she will be better at picking one you might like. You seem to have boiled her personality and likes into comics anime and home repair, surely she does other things. Have you tried taking her to a spa? Even nerds like massages. Does she cosplay? You could help her with her costume makeup. There must be something you can do together.

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Snoo_68114 - YTA. It's your job to do things with your daughter. You can do girly things while doing the fun nerdy things too. Going on Hikes could be a thing, doing a in-house spa night with tons of Japanese snacks and a mix/mash up of hers and your favorite movies. Go out to DINNER once and a while and sit down and have a chat. It's not that hard.

By telling her that other girls have close relationships with their mothers BECAUSE they share the same interests, you're saying it would likely be impossible for her to have the same with you. You need to apologize.. Suggestions:. In House Spa Night with Mix/Match Movies for you both to enjoy, with Japanese snacks!

Get take out and sit down to dinner together (This is the most simple. Just be sure to be engaging and have phones away). Go on a hike and enjoy the scenery. Go the the mall and see what things you both like, see if there is a store you'd both be proud to step into.

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Look around.. Play some video games together, Mario kart is a great start or even Smash Bros if she's into that.. Most importantly: BE A CONFIDANT. Your daughter came to you with a real concern about your relationship and you rebuffed her. It's no wonder your relationship is LACKING. Take it seriously.

[Reddit User] - YTA. You're her parent, not her friend. I and my parents have nothing in common either but we still have quality time. Your bond with your daughter shouldn't depend on you having common interests. If you tried I'm sure you could spend some quality time together but you don't. Today you made sure your daughter knew just how little you value her.

These Reddit opinions cut deep, but do they capture the full story? Parent-child bonds are complex, and quick judgments might miss the mother’s efforts.

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This mother-daughter rift shows how words can wound when connection feels out of reach. The mother’s bluntness hurt, but her willingness to try anime and graphic novels offers a path forward. Listening, apologizing, and exploring new shared moments could rebuild their bond. How would you reconnect with a loved one when interests don’t align? Share your stories and advice below!

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