AITA for making a dead mom joke?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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In a bustling high school classroom, where chatter hums like a summer breeze, a 16-year-old girl stands at the crossroads of grief and wit. Her mother’s death during the lockdown left a void she fills with sharp, dark humor—a shield against the pain. When a teacher’s innocent question about her parents’ jobs prompts a quip about her mom “working in a graveyard,” the room erupts in laughter, but one classmate’s discomfort sparks a heated clash. Can humor heal, or does it tread too heavily on others’ feelings?

This story, plucked from Reddit’s AITA forum, dives into the messy balance of personal coping and public sensitivity. With her quick wit, the teen navigates a world that doesn’t always know how to handle her grief. Readers are left wondering: where’s the line between owning your trauma and respecting others’ boundaries?

‘AITA for making a dead mom joke?’

I'm 16f, and my mom is dead. She died in the height ox the first lockdown and I really had no way of coping other than using humour. The jokes I come out with are pretty funny, though I might be biased. It's worth a mention, I don't have a dad either, tho its not to relevant to this. Some of the jokes are fairly obvious, ie a friend says their phone is dead and ill say so is my mom.

I try not to overuse that one but it's a big hit among my close friends. Some of the other ones are a little less obvious like the one in this particular incident. We're preparing for Irish orals right now. Most of my class, including one girl who we'll call J, knows about my mom's death, and have heard me crack a few jokes.

Anyways, the teacher, who either forgot, or hasn't been made aware of the fact I'm momless and dadless, went around the class and asked people what their parents do for a living. When she got to me, she asked what my dad did first, and I said I don't have one and then she asked me what my mom does, and I said she works in a graveyard.

The chatter in the class kind of stopped and turned into laughter and the teacher kind of realised. It was kind of funny. After the class, J came up to me and told me she would appreciate if I didn't make jokes about my lack of parents as it makes her uncomfortable.

I told her I wasn't going to stop making jokes about **my** trauma and that it wasn't her place to dictate that. She called me an ass, and stormed off to b**ch about me to her friends.. So, AITA?. Edit: feel free to crack a joke if you want.. Edit 2: My dad is alive, he's a magician, he's most renowned for his disappearing act.

Grief can feel like navigating a maze blindfolded, and for this teen, humor is her flashlight. The Reddit user’s “graveyard” joke, while sharp and funny to some, stirred discomfort in her classmate, J, highlighting a clash between personal coping and public space. Grief counselor Dr. Alan Wolfelt notes, “Humor can be a powerful tool for processing loss, but it’s not universal” (Center for Loss). The teen’s quips are her way of reclaiming control, yet J’s reaction suggests not everyone is ready to laugh along.

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The teen’s humor stems from a need to process her mother’s death, a loss compounded by her father’s absence. J, however, may feel uneasy because such jokes touch on universal fears of mortality. This tension reflects a broader issue: how do we balance individual grief with collective comfort? A 2021 study in Journal of Loss and Trauma found 60% of teens use humor to cope with loss, but public settings can amplify misunderstandings (Taylor & Francis Online).

Wolfelt advises, “Grief shared is grief diminished, but it’s wise to choose your audience.” The teen’s classroom quip was spontaneous, but J’s discomfort signals a need for sensitivity in shared spaces. For the teen, finding private outlets—like close friends who get her humor—could ease tensions. J might benefit from expressing her feelings calmly, fostering mutual understanding. Both are navigating youth and loss, and empathy can bridge their divide.

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Here’s how people reacted to the post:

The Reddit crew didn’t hold back, serving up a spicy mix of support and gentle nudges for our teen jokester. Here’s the raw scoop from the crowd:

SuperVillain85 − NTA. It was pretty funny to be honest.

TheUtopianCat − NTA. I'm very sorry to hear about your mother. Humour is a legitimate way to cope with loss. That your sense of humour and coping mechanisms made J feel uncomfortable is a *her* problem, not a you problem.

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wylddog − i could understand why somebody else who recently lost their mum would be upset by this, but this person (i assume) hasnt recently lost a parent. Obviously i can understand why somebody would be uncomfortable with this joke though. very tough but im going to say NTA. i feel like you can cope with your pain however you want

omegahalf − Very gentle NAH - it’s not your classmate’s place to tell you how to cope AND you’re using your whole class as a sounding board for your trauma. It’s like when people make jokes about how much they hate themselves: it’s a lot more uncomfortable and unpleasant for your listeners than you think. I know you don’t have any other outlet to process your mom’s death and I’m really sorry,

but consider that the “dead mom” jokes (especially if they’re very frequent) may be less funny than you think and that your peers might not know how to deal with them. You’re all kids and you’re doing your best, but by constantly bringing up your mother’s death you are putting an emotional burden on your classmates to carry that with you:

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if it’s too much for you to hold by yourself right now, understandable! It’s good that you’re not shutting down about it! But getting grief counseling and being more selective about who you ask to help carry your mom’s death I think would be more appropriate and kinder (both to you and your peers) than making your loss quite so public property.

That said, I do think your response to your teacher was appropriate. But if J felt the need to pull you aside and ask you to stop, you might consider how often you’re doing this and what kind of emotional burden you’re placing on your peers by regularly pulling them into your trauma.

the_tank22 − NTA. dark humor is for those who have the trauma. I always see 'send this to your mom' or tik toks about 'ask your mom .....' and I'm like 'CANT. SHE DIED. SHE LIKED ALCOHOL MORE THAN US. HARDY HARHAR'. It makes people uncomfortable but it's your stuff to handle, ya know?

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[Reddit User] − NTA: my mom was a suicide back in 2018. I tell people she killed herself out of self defense.

Traumatized-Trashbag − NTA but I think a better answer would be:. 'What does your mom do for a living?'. 'Oh she doesn't.'

Kitten_Foster − I'm afraid a gentle YTA is in order. Here's the thing, yes, it is your trauma. But it's not unique to you, unfortunately. A lot of people have had losses, and hearing someone joke might be difficult for them emotionally. If you want to do that in your private life on your own time, that's fine.

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But in a classroom setting where people are forced to be in your vicinity, then you owe them the respect of not making it an emotionally difficult place for them to be. Same goes for work place. People deserve to have their school and work places free from emotionally difficult situations in a way that doesn't hold true in places they inhabit voluntarily.

Making the joke doesn't make you an a**hole. But refusing to stop when you are in a classroom setting absolutely does. Losing both of your parents so young is going to make you grow up fast in a lot of ways, and I'm afraid this also needs to be one of them.

[Reddit User] − A lot of people lost their parents in the pandemic. Be careful about what you say around them, even if the jokes don't bother *you.*

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stonedRatt − My mum died 15 or so years ago, made loads of dead mum jokes, my dad 2 years ago. I was told by phone. I cried and my partner asked if I was ok I responded with “I’m Batman”

These Redditors rallied behind the teen’s right to cope through humor, with some chuckling at her wit, while others urged caution in public settings. Their takes range from fist-bumping her resilience to questioning if her jokes burden classmates. But do these hot takes capture the full picture, or are they just adding fuel to the fire?

This teen’s story reminds us that grief is as personal as a fingerprint, yet it ripples through shared spaces. Her dark humor is a lifeline, but it’s also a spark that can unsettle others. Balancing self-expression with sensitivity is a tightrope walk we all face. What would you do if you were in her shoes—crack a joke to cope or hold back to keep the peace? Share your thoughts and experiences below!

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