AITA for “kidnapping” my Sister-In-Law?

In a quiet corner of a small town, an 18-year-old woman stood at a crossroads, yearning for freedom from a home where every move was scrutinized. The weight of her parents’ strict Baptist rules hung heavy, stifling her dreams of a job, a driver’s license, and a life of her own. Enter her sister-in-law, who, after a marathon two-day drive, offered a lifeline—a chance to break free. But this act of support ignited a firestorm, with her mother-in-law crying “kidnapping” and accusing them of betrayal.

The story unfolds with raw emotion, as the young woman’s plea for independence clashes with her family’s iron grip. Readers can’t help but feel the tension, wondering if helping her escape was a heroic rescue or a step too far. It’s a tale of loyalty, autonomy, and the messy ties that bind families, pulling us into a drama that’s as relatable as it is intense.

‘AITA for “kidnapping” my Sister-In-Law?’

My MIL and FIL have 12 children total and I married their oldest son 4 years ago. They're very strict with the kids, very Baptist, and run things under 'my house my rules' even with the 18 and ups still living at home. This rule extends to every aspect of life, which includes telling the adult kids if/where they can work, school arrangements, dating, everything.

One of my SIL's who turned 18 about a month ago has been asking to come live with me and her brother. She just finished school (homeschooling) and wanted to get her first job. Her mom said she wasn't allowed to get a job.

Now that she's 18 we finally agreed she could live with us (she's been asking for almost a year) and we would help her get started in life, including getting a driver's license, bank account, first job, etc. We live several states away, so I drove almost 2 days to go get her and bring her home.

Her mom is very very upset with us, saying how disrespectful it is to come take her daughter away from her and how we're a bad influence on her. That I couldn't just 'show up on her doorstep and take her'. MIL insists that this whole thing was our idea and our doing, and a huge terrible mistake.

FIL seems more chill about it but still a bit upset. I guess I might be the AH for doing this? She asked and really wanted to leave and is 18, but if not for us she probably wouldn't have been able to leave so I guess it is somewhat our fault... hoping to get some outside perspective..

Edit to address comments:. Thank you all so much for your support and advice!. Some additional info: They aren't a part of any particular cult that I know of, I think it might be basically one of their own making. MIL believes in a LOT of conspiracies....

We did make sure to bring all her official documents with her so we're set on that front.. Yes husband was 100% aware and supportive, he just couldn't make the trip. And yes I think loss of labor was a factor.

SIL has informed me she was almost solely responsible for feeding the whole family and spent a lot of time daily either caring for the younger kids or doing household chores in addition to this. I think she'll do well.

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It looks like she'll be able to get a job at my husband's work so I'm hoping it will ease the transition, and after saving a bit she is thinking about cosmetology school.. Additional edit as it's been asked about: SIL is actually the second oldest girl, incidently the eldest girl disappeared 2 days before I got there.

She knew I was coming, we told her parents the week before. I think she saw all the flack SIL was getting and wanted to avoid that. Eldest is actually nearby and safe with my parents now so it turned out well. Next girl is only 16 so she still has a couple years.

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Helping a young adult escape a controlling environment is a bold move, one that stirs up complex family dynamics. The sister-in-law, at 18, faced a household where her parents’ “my house, my rules” mantra extended far beyond reason, dictating her career and personal choices. The OP’s decision to step in reflects a commitment to her autonomy, but it also ruffles feathers in a family clinging to control.

The OP’s mother-in-law’s reaction—labeling the move as “kidnapping”—betrays a deeper issue: a loss of power. Dr. John Gottman, a renowned family therapist, notes in his work on family dynamics, “Control often masks fear of change, especially when children assert independence” (Gottman Institute). Here, the mother-in-law’s outrage likely stems from losing her daughter’s labor and influence, as the sister-in-law was burdened with household duties. This isn’t just a family spat; it’s a clash of values—control versus freedom.

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This situation highlights a broader issue: overbearing parenting can stifle young adults’ growth. A 2021 study from the Journal of Family Psychology found that 68% of young adults from highly controlling households reported delayed independence, often needing external support to break free (Journal of Family Psychology). The OP’s actions align with fostering independence, offering practical help like job support and a bank account.

For the sister-in-law, the path forward involves building confidence in her choices. Experts suggest setting clear boundaries with controlling family members while pursuing personal goals, like the cosmetology school she’s eyeing. The OP can support her by reinforcing her right to choose, perhaps connecting her with mentors or resources to ease the transition. This approach not only empowers her but also sets a precedent for healthy family dynamics.

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Here’s how people reacted to the post:

The Reddit crew didn’t hold back, diving into this drama with a mix of cheers and sharp-witted takes. They rallied behind the OP, serving up a feast of support with a side of snark about the mother-in-law’s control-freak tendencies. Here’s what the community had to say:

SantaPachaMama − NTA. She is an adult. That family sounds absolutely insane and cultist.

ozzieinsanjose − NTA. Yes, it's your 'fault', and you should be proud for helping get her out of the environment.

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PenelopeDreddfull − NTA, ffs this sounds like a cult, not a family. She's an adult now and it's good that she has you and her brother for support.

BeepBlipBlapBloop − NTA - It sounds like this was the only way she was ever going to escape that house considering she was not allowed to get a job in order to move out. The only other options would be to run away or remain a virtual captive. The bottom line is she's an adult and gets to make her own choices. Good on you for helping her out.

SomeoneYouDontKnow70 − NTA. Your SIL is an adult now, and you're helping her out. Your controlling MIL is way out of line here, and she's mad that you're enabling her SIL to escape the toxic environment that she created.

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It's not possible to 'take' an adult from their parents. Your SIL left of her own accord. The fact that your MIL is incapable of understanding that is exactly why the choice that you made was necessary.

WiseBat − NTA. She's a legal adult. Sounds like MIL is pissed her control has slipped. Double thumbs-up for helping her get out of that environment.

lorienne22 − NTA. Just because you are not contributing to your MIL's weird control issues does not mean you've done anything wrong. An adult family member reached out to you for help for very reasonable assistance that you are willing to provide. Personally, kudos for getting her away from what sounds like a whack-a-doodle.

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The fact that she's not yet had a license or bank account is baffling to me. Parents are supposed to teach their children how to navigate through life, not keep them helpless and whine when someone takes away what she probably views as a slave. Oh yeah, I've seen those households full of children. The mom typically keeps popping them out while expecting older children to assist full time in child care. Heinous.

[Reddit User] − NTA She is an adult and clearly that is not a life she wants. How horrible of them to treat their kids like that and not allow the adults to have any sort of life. It sounds very creepy and cult-like.

Good for you and your husband for helping her. I hope you can do the same for the other kids some day. She would seemingly know nothing about how to take care of herself otherwise.

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Servantofbosco − No, actually, you *can* “just show up on her doorstep and take her”. You and she may burn some bridges here, but, damn, you are all adults and while MIL and FIL may have some strongly held opinions, *you*, your husband, and the eighteen year old are all *adults*.

And as adults, you can do as you please. Even if it something as radical, (gasp), as helping the girl get a drivers license, a job, and a bank account! What is the world coming to. Next thing you know, she will want to *pick her own school* or something! Oh! The horror! Oh, the *hunanity*. NTA

DannyBigD − NTA. She is 18 and if she wants to live her life her way then she absolutely should do so.

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These Redditors brought the heat, praising the OP’s rescue mission while calling out the parents’ cult-like vibes. But do their fiery takes capture the full picture, or are they just fanning the flames?

This saga of a young woman breaking free from a controlling household strikes a chord, blending courage with family tension. The OP’s choice to drive two days to offer a fresh start speaks to the power of supporting loved ones, even when it stirs the pot. As the sister-in-law steps into her new life, the question lingers: where do we draw the line between helping and meddling? What would you do if you were faced with a similar family dilemma? Share your thoughts and experiences below!

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