AITA for inviting a guy friend to try an upscale restaurant with me because my boyfriend will only eat fine dining if I’m the one paying?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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Picture this: after a grueling week, she’s dreaming of a candlelit table, a perfectly plated dish, and the soft clink of wine glasses at an upscale restaurant. For her, it’s a rare treat, a chance to savor something special. But her boyfriend, Jake, has other ideas—ones that involve fast food or splitting the bill at the local diner. When she invites a friend to share the cost of a fancy dinner instead, sparks fly, and not the romantic kind. This tale of dining dreams and financial friction has Reddit buzzing, and it’s easy to see why: who hasn’t wrestled with clashing values in a relationship?

The tension here isn’t just about a meal—it’s about compatibility, compromise, and the little luxuries that make life sparkle. She’s caught between her desire for an occasional splurge and Jake’s ironclad frugality, raising questions about fairness and mutual respect. As the Reddit community weighs in, the story unfolds with humor, heart, and a side of shade. Let’s dive into her post and see what’s cooking.

‘AITA for inviting a guy friend to try an upscale restaurant with me because my boyfriend will only eat fine dining if I’m the one paying?’

My boyfriend Jake and I have been dating for a year. He comes from a wealthy family while I don’t, and he is very particular about money. Early in our relationship he told me that we shouldn’t give each other gifts that cost over $50 and he doesn’t like dining in expensive restaurants because he says he doesn’t want our relationship to be based on material things and we should focus on saving for the future.

I easily agreed because I’m not with him to be given expensive gifts or be wined and dined daily, and I thought it was a great that he wanted to save for the future. What I didn’t expect is that he would never even ask me to have dinner in a nice restaurant.

It was either fast food, a local place (we always split the bill) or for special celebrations he would cook for me himself and we’d have a meal in his apartment. There’s nothing wrong with that, but even just on special occasions, I wish we could go somewhere nice.

I get that fine dining is something Jake is used to because of his family, but it’s not the norm for me so of course I’m excited to try an upscale restaurant once in a while. He tells me that they’re just overpriced and serve so little food anyway, and the only times he has agreed to go with me are the times when I told him that I would foot the bill for both of us.

I had a tough week at work last week and I really wanted to treat myself this weekend, so when I learned that an upscale restaurant I’ve wanted to try just re-opened, I thought it was a great idea to have dinner there.

I’m not swimming in money right now because of unexpected expenses due to the pandemic, so I’m not that excited to be paying for two since I know that Jake wouldn’t go if he had to pay for himself much less both of us. So I asked my friend Tom, who I know also wants to try that restaurant, if he wants to have dinner there and we can go Dutch. He said yes.

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When I told Jake that I was going to have dinner at that restaurant with Tom, he got angry and said I should’ve asked him. I told him that I had no reason to believe that he would have a different answer for me because I’ve asked him to eat at nice restaurants six times in the past and he always says no.

The two times he has said yes were after I assured him that I would pay for both of us, and I don’t want to pay for two right now. He told me that if I think $150 is too expensive to spend at a restaurant, then why do I think that it’s alright to spend $75. He says I should just save that money anyway.. Am I the a**hole?

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This dining dilemma cuts deeper than a menu choice—it’s a clash of values that could spell trouble. Financial compatibility is a cornerstone of relationships, and Jake’s refusal to budge on fine dining unless she pays raises eyebrows. As Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship expert, notes in his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, “Conflict is inevitable, but it’s how couples navigate differences that matters” . Jake’s insistence on controlling her spending while dodging compromise suggests a deeper power imbalance.

The issue here isn’t just about a $150 dinner versus $75. Jake’s frugality seems selective—he’s happy to split cheap meals but balks at upscale ones unless she foots the bill. This behavior hints at a lack of reciprocity, which can erode trust. A 2023 study from the Journal of Family Psychology found that financial disagreements are a top predictor of relationship dissatisfaction . Jake’s reaction to her dining with Tom feels less about romance and more about control over her choices.

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Dr. Gottman advises couples to “turn toward each other” during conflicts, finding small ways to meet halfway. For Jake, this might mean joining her for a special meal occasionally, even if it’s not his preference. For her, it could involve clearer communication about why these outings matter to her. Setting boundaries, like agreeing on a budget for shared experiences, can prevent resentment from simmering.

The broader issue is financial alignment in relationships. Couples don’t need identical spending habits, but they do need mutual respect. Jake’s lecturing her on saving while expecting free rides at fancy restaurants suggests he’s not holding up his end. A practical solution? They could alternate picking date spots within a shared budget, ensuring both feel valued without breaking the bank.

Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:

The Reddit crew didn’t hold back, serving up a feast of opinions with a side of sass. From calling Jake a “cheapskate” to questioning his motives, the comments are a lively mix of support and skepticism. Here’s what the crowd had to say:

ScubaCC − INFO: Is this what you want the rest of your life to look like? Because I guarantee you that once you reach the point in your relationship where you share finances with Scrooge McDuck and he gets an actual legitimate say in how you spend money, you will never get to do anything fun or frivolous with it again.

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TimeandEntropy − NTA Jake's reasoning around money makes no sense. I'm okay spending 20$ on pizza, but I think 40 is too much - so should I just not have pizza at all? I'm okay with keeping the thermostat at 68 and paying the electric bill that brings with the AC, but I'm not okay with cooling the place to 63 - so should I just never use AC?

You have a price point you don't want to exceed. That's perfectly fair. Jake has been very consistent in not wanting to attend or pay for these meals. It's fine to ask a friend to go instead. Now if Jake's concern was 'It's a date and it's cheating and Tom has a thing for you' that might be different and worth a talk.

But Jake seems to just be looking for a free ride and is mad you're catching on that while it's fine to agree to not spend over a certain amount - that means there will be things you do to treat yourself that he doesn't benefit from. He wanted no gifts over 50$, so why is he making a stink that you won't spend 75 on his meal?

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He has disparaged your interest, he's absolutely treating you like a gold digger while pretty much behaving like one himself, and he's now trying to dictate how you spend your money. None of this is reasonable and healthy relationship behavior.

bullzeye1983 − NTA First you guys have gotten past the point of him being concerned that your relationship is based on money. it should be based on compromise and he's not doing any..

Second are you two financially compatible? Third, take your friend and don't feel bad about it! First he's upset because you didn't ask him and then he's upset because you're not saving the money? He doesn't get it both ways.

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asmallman − NTA. Your boyfriend is.. He sounds like one of my mooch friends. Who I have since cut contact for semi-related reasons to mooching. Your boyfriend will split the bill for cheap stuff too? Even fast food? A meal for two usually wont even run over 20 dollars or come close, at least, where I am at.

He sounds like a cheapskate, and on top of that, he WANTS to go to fancy restaurants, but ONLY if you pay. Thats kind of s**tty IMO. And I dont even make bank, I make decent money, but I will still cover people if they need it, and will split if they insist. But if I find they wont do the same for me, no food or fancy things for you.

GrymDraig − NTA. Saving money is good. Expecting someone else to pay for your expensive meals is not. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous, and you have every right to treat yourself to a good meal without having to pay for his meal as well.

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ur-humble-overlord − NTA. this is a funny rule for your boyfriend to have, and then get mad at you for circumventing. i think he's borderline an AH for it, because on paper it makes sense and tbh i wouldn't want to pay $75 for one person's meal either, as someone who really doesn't have that kind of money,

but where it creeps over to sus is that he has you go dutch on places where the meals are closer to $20-40/per. that's just a little unnecessary- im fine going dutch on occasion, but swapping the bill is just sort of customary in a relationship to treat one another.

im also not a fan of him lecturing you on your financial decisions when you guys dont seem to live together/entangle finances- its very controlling and condescending. that said enjoy your dinner with tom, because he seems to be fine with the arrangement.

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mfruitfly − NTA. Literally $75 is half of $150, and that's why it is alright to spend $75 and not $150. End of argument. It's fine if he doesn't like fine dining, but it's not okay for him to also say you can't go to nice restaurants without him, and he will only go if you pay, and also that you should save your money.

This is a way of controlling you- blocking off all paths for you to do something you like. He also has no right to tell you how to spend your money. $75 for a fun night out once in awhile is totally reasonable if your finances allow it.. You might want to get a new boyfriend though.

Classy_Stoner − So, let me just get this straight. He does not value nice restaurants anywhere near the extent you do. He won't ever take you out to a nice restaurant. If you have had a hard week and want to treat yourself, you can't unless you treat him too,

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even though he would never do the same for you? I just can't get a read on his perspective here. Has he provided any explanation as to why he feels entitled to a treat when he won't provide and equal one in return?

itsmiddylou − NTA. This is also throwing up red flags for me. You’re going to spend the entire relationship fighting over money, regardless of the context. Not healthy.

[Reddit User] − NTA. There's a difference between frugal and being a cheap killjoy. Family friends were like this, always saving, never spending. They're dead now and all the money went to relatives they rarely talked to. Do you want to live like that?

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These Redditors brought the heat, cheering her for standing her ground or shading Jake for his double standards. But do their spicy takes capture the full picture, or are they just stirring the pot?

This story isn’t just about a missed meal—it’s a reminder that relationships thrive on give-and-take. Her choice to dine with Tom was a stand for her own joy, but it’s sparked a bigger question about whether she and Jake can find common ground. Balancing personal desires with partnership isn’t easy, especially when wallets and values don’t align. What would you do if you found yourself in a similar situation? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments below!

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