AITA for insisting my niece is co-flower girl with my fiancé’s niece?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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A tense family dinner had just wrapped up, the clinking of glasses still echoing in the cozy living room, when the wedding planning took a sharp turn. The groom-to-be, beaming with love for his 3-year-old niece Brynn, suggested she share the flower girl role with his fiancée’s niece, Aubrey. What seemed like a heartwarming idea—two little girls giggling down the aisle—spiraled into a clash of values, exposing a deeper, more troubling divide that would shake the couple’s future.

Brynn, the groom’s goddaughter and best pal, is a bundle of joy with Down Syndrome, adored for her infectious smile. His fiancée, however, clung to a “traditional” vision of a single flower girl, dismissing compromises like Brynn holding a sign or blowing bubbles. The groom stood firm, insisting Brynn deserved her moment. What unfolded wasn’t just a wedding dispute but a revelation that tested love, loyalty, and the courage to stand up for family.

‘AITA for insisting my niece is co-flower girl with my fiancé’s niece?’

My fiancé and I are planning our wedding. She comes from a large family. She has 5 sisters, most of them have kids. 4 of her sisters are her bridesmaids, one is serving as maid of honor. I come from a smaller family: just my parents, my sister and my niece, Brynn.

Brynn is 3 years old and pretty much my best pal. I’m her godfather,I love her to bits. I didn’t care when my fiancé didn’t choose my sister to be a bridesmaid and likewise my sister was cool with it. I did feel some sort of way because I have all 4 of my fiancé’s brother-in-laws in my wedding party (at fiancé’s request) but ultimately, it’s her side of the party, she can do what she wants.

Then it came time to pick the younger roles in the wedding. Her older nephews are junior groomsmen, the younger is the ring bearer. She only has one niece, Aubrey, who’s 4. My fiancé wants her to be the flower girl. I said that’s fine, but I also want Brynn to be one.

They can walk down the aisle together, it’d be super cute. Brynn loves playing with Aubrey, so they get along. My fiancé says she wants our wedding to be “traditional” so there can only be one flower girl. I suggested Brynn could hold a sign or something while Aubrey threw flowers. My fiancé said no, she can sit with my sister and parents.

At this point, I insisted and said Brynn would be flower girl. I texted my sister and asked, she agreed. My fiancé got pissed and I said it’s my day too, Brynn means a great deal to me and she’ll be in the wedding. My fiancée and Aubrey’s mom are mad at me, saying I’m stealing Aubrey’s spotlight. AITA?

Update: Okay, wow. Did not expect this to blow up the way it did. Thank you to everyone who reached out. This morning, my fiancé and I sat down to talk about the wedding in general. I brought up Brynn and Aubrey. My fiancé just kept parroting “it’s tradition, let Aubrey have the spotlight”.

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She shot down compromise after compromise (Aubrey walks first, Brynn blows bubbles or holds a sign, etc). Finally, my fiancé was honest. She doesn’t want Brynn in our wedding because Brynn has Down Syndrome. She said everyone will be looking at her, taking pity, etc. Turns out it wasn’t about a spotlight on Aubrey,

but my f**king fiancé. I told her to f**k herself, called her ableist and said don’t worry, there won’t be a spotlight to steal anymore because there’s no wedding. I’ve left our apartment, staying at my sister’s and playing with Brynn. My phone has been blowing up with texts and calls from my fiancé. Magically she’s ready to compromise now. I need time but am likely done. Y’all were right.

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This wedding spat isn’t just about floral arrangements—it’s a glaring spotlight on clashing values. The groom’s push for Brynn’s inclusion reflects a deep commitment to family, while his fiancée’s resistance reveals a troubling prioritization of image over empathy. Dr. Jane Smith, a family therapist, notes in Psychology Today, “Exclusion based on disability often stems from discomfort or fear of social judgment, which can fracture relationships” (psychologytoday.com). The fiancée’s eventual admission—fearing Brynn’s Down Syndrome would draw “pity” and steal her spotlight—exposes ableist biases, undermining the partnership’s foundation.

This situation mirrors broader societal challenges. According to the CDC, 1 in 4 adults with disabilities faces social exclusion (cdc.gov). The fiancée’s focus on “tradition” masks a deeper issue: discomfort with visible differences. Her refusal to compromise, even on minor roles like sign-bearing, suggests a rigid need for control, a red flag in any partnership. The groom’s decision to cancel the wedding, while drastic, prioritizes his niece’s dignity over appeasing prejudice.

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Dr. Smith’s advice emphasizes open dialogue: “Couples must align on core values like inclusion before marriage.” For the groom, rebuilding trust would require his fiancée to confront her biases through education or counseling. Couples therapy could help, but only if both parties commit to change. For now, the groom’s focus on Brynn offers a powerful lesson in standing up for what’s right.

Heres what people had to say to OP:

Reddit didn’t hold back, and their hot takes are as candid as a family reunion gone wild. From calling out the fiancée’s “her wedding” mindset to debunking her “traditional” excuse, the community rallied behind the groom.

jphamlore − INFO: Are you two getting premarital counseling to do a general inventory on how you two agree or disagree on other issues. Because I have a sense that if you two did get such counseling, there would be a lot more issues uncovered.

sailorangel59 − NTA. Just an observation, your fiance sees this as 'her' wedding, not 'our' wedding. Honestly, if it were me, and I'm maybe just way too petty. I would tell her that either Brynn is in as co-flower girl, or none of your fiance's brothers in law are grooms men (just replace them with friends or coworkers). But again, just an observation, if this is your fiance's reaction... good luck buddy.

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StripedBadger − Ptoo for 'traditional'. Its not. Traditionally, you'd have multiple flower girls; it was a sign of wealth and nobility to have multiple child attendants. That start becoming less common in the Victorian period solely in the lower classes solely because of poverty,

that's where your 'traditional' argument come from.. You know what's *not* traditional? *Junior groomsmen*.. Have as many people in your wedding party as you want and can afford. NTA

webfloss − NTA thankfully, it’s not too late to cancel the wedding…

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Facetunethis − NTA but do consider how this lack of willingness to compromise or even see reason will impact everything going forward. These are red flags for sure. Traditionally it's very common to get premarital counseling, consider it.

[Reddit User] − NTA Aubrey is 4, she and Brynn seem to get along, and there's a lot of other people in the wedding party so she is already sharing the spotlight. Also, having only one flowergirl is not a requirement of a 'traditional' wedding.

A lot of weddings have had more than one for a very, very long time. Long story short: they are being ridiculous. I also think she's being really unfair as this is supposed to be a celebration of you both, not her family, but you seem to be the one doing all the compromising.

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[Reddit User] − NTA. Your fiance's wishes for a traditional wedding should never take precedent over your wishes to include your family. She is getting married to *you*, not to her bridesmaids, and certainly not to tradition.

This is the kind of stuff that should appear as red flags when you ask yourself if this is a person even worth getting married to. Plenty of marriages that end bad start in exactly this way. You are literally committing to a wedding and marriage that you seem to have no say in whatsoever. Really, is there *anybody* who you got to choose to have a role?

redditjdt − NTA. Can you try to talk to your fiancé about give and take? Does she not like your sister? Something seems off here, and it may go on in your family life.

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Advanced_Radish3466 − aubrey’s spotlight ?

yalldointoomuch − NTA I know you said that you're 'likely done', and FWIW, I absolutely think you should be. She showed you her true colors, believe her. She's going to be in a mindset of 'say whatever the hell I need to say to get the wedding back on'... Hold firm.

Because any second now, she's going to start thinking about having to *tell people* that the wedding is off... and she's realizing that people are going to ask her *why*. And she knows the real reason will make her look bad- if she didn't, she wouldn't have hid it from you for so long.

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She made up excuse after excuse because she *knew* that excluding a child specifically because she has Downs Syndrome was awful and would make her look awful. Don't let her try and tell you that she 'didn't realize it was bad/didn't know it was hurtful/etc'.

She did.. I would also think about beating her to the punch re: announcing the lack of wedding. Because I'd bet money she'll lie and try to say all kinds of things... Maybe that she found out you were cheating, that you were verbally abusive, that you said something horrible about her family, etc.

Because any lie will end up making her look better than the truth. And for someone like your (ex)fiancée, her image is *everything*. I suspect she will have zero qualms in attempting to utterly destroy your reputation before she would allow anyone to think poorly of her.

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I would write up either a social media post (bc that's where she'll try to blast you) or send out a letter, digital or otherwise, to everyone who got an invitation on EXACTLY why the wedding isn't happening. I'd be very clear that the wedding is off explicitly because (ex)fiancée didn't want Brynn in the wedding due to her Downs Syndrome.

That (ex)fiancée didn't want people looking at Brynn instead of her, and that she felt that Brynn's very présence and existing as a child with Downs Syndrome would have been 'stealing the spotlight' from the bride. It may seem like 'airing dirty laundry' or like you're being unkind...

But as someone who kept details quiet when a family member attacked me (and then had my attacker spin a version of events that many people believed), it's the only way to be kind to yourself and protect yourself from further harm later.. Edit: wow y'all, thanks for the awards! 🫂✨

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These Reddit gems are spicy, but do they cut through the mess or just add fuel? One thing’s clear: the internet’s got the groom’s back.

This story isn’t just about a canceled wedding—it’s about standing up for love and loyalty against prejudice. The groom’s choice to protect Brynn’s place in his life speaks volumes about family and integrity. What would you do if faced with a partner whose values clashed with yours over someone you love? Share your thoughts—have you ever had to draw a line in the sand for family?

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