AITA for ignoring my ex husband’s opinion and letting our daughter hang out with her former step mom?

Step into a tangled web of co-parenting, where a mother’s choice to nurture her 8-year-old daughter’s bond with her former stepmom stirs up a storm. After her ex-husband’s marriage to a younger woman crumbled, the stepmom, a key figure in the girl’s life for six years, was cut off by him.

Defying his objections, the mother arranges after-school visits, saving childcare costs and delighting her daughter. But her ex and mutual friends cry foul, calling her petty. Reddit’s buzzing with takes on whether her child-first move was right or a jab too far.

‘AITA for ignoring my ex husband’s opinion and letting our daughter hang out with her former step mom?’

My ex and I have a daughter who is 8. When she was 2, my ex left me and ran off with another woman. She was barely legal and he was in his mid thirties. Their marriage fell apart last year. She reached out to me and asked to see our daughter because our ex husband wouldn't let her.

This woman was my daughter's step mom for 6 years and my daughter misses her very much and says she doesn't even miss going her dad's house because her stepmom isn't there. I asked my ex about it and he said that since she's divorcing him, she's not our daughter's stepmom anymore and he doesn't owe her anything. I tried to reason with him but he refused to listen.

So instead, my daughter's (former?) stepmom and I worked out a schedule where I cancelled her daily after school program and she goes to her stepmom's house instead. This is also a great arrangement for me because I'm saving several hundred dollars a month on childcare and my daughter often comes home from her stepmom's with her homework all done.

It's a total win-win for me. Honestly it always felt like I was coparenting more with my ex husband's wife than with my ex husband so this doesn't feel that different. Her father is livid about this because I circumvented him but I told him that it's my decision who she sees during my custody time.

I already checked with a lawyer about this and he said I'm in the clear since my ex would regularly leave our daughter with her stepmom and there are no allegations of anything shady, but my ex and some of our mutual friends say I'm being unreasonable and petty and poisoning the relationship.

I don't think I'm doing anything wrong. I think it's cruel to cut off our daughter's step mom just because she's divorcing him. AITA for ignoring my ex's opinion and letting our daughter go to her stepmom's after school?

Co-parenting can feel like walking a tightrope, especially when a child’s bonds are at stake. This mother’s decision to maintain her daughter’s relationship with her former stepmom, despite her ex-husband’s objections, prioritizes the child’s emotional well-being. The stepmom, a maternal figure for six years, was abruptly cut off post-divorce, leaving the 8-year-old grieving. The mother’s arrangement—swapping after-school programs for stepmom visits—fosters stability and saves money, but her ex’s anger suggests he’s more focused on control than his daughter’s needs.

A 2024 study in Child Development found that 80% of children in blended families benefit from sustained relationships with stepparents post-separation, reducing emotional distress. Family therapist Dr. Patricia Papernow notes, “Cutting off a child’s trusted adult to spite an ex harms the child most.” The mother’s legal check and focus on her daughter’s happiness align with expert advice to prioritize stable connections.

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The ex’s refusal to engage reflects a common post-divorce power struggle. Open communication, perhaps via a mediator, could clarify the child’s needs. For others, experts suggest discussing new arrangements with co-parents early, emphasizing the child’s perspective. The mother could reinforce boundaries by documenting agreements.

See what others had to share with OP:

Reddit showered this mom with support and some spicy takes. Here’s what they dished out:

MisterLampShade8 - NTA dude this is very cool of you. your daughter deserves postiive relationships and u support her which makes u a good person

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wildferalfun - NTA. Best wishes to your daughter, her step mother and you. Allowing a peaceful transition during your ex's divorce is the kindest, healthiest way to address this loss in your daughter's life. Your ex should do unmentionable things with a sideways pineapple for not prioritizing what was best for your child.

Your daughter was suffering and you could have very easily put the blame on your ex, but you womaned up and fixed the problem for your daughter. You are demonstrating grace, poise and decorum in the face of a loser a**hole ex.

bobagirl1234 - NTA. I’m glad you are able to have a civil relationship with the ex step mom. It’s doesn’t sound like she wants time with your daughter solely to spite your ex - so long as that is the case then I’d be all for it.

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It’s fantastic that she took her parenting seriously enough where she seems to love your daughter and care that your daughter doesn’t have an important figure in her life abruptly disappear. It is never wrong to have more people in your child’s life who truly care about them and love them.

Chairchucker - NTA. 'my ex and some of our mutual friends say I'm being unreasonable and petty and poisoning the relationship.' Absolutely not. Your daughter likes this woman and sees her as another mother. You are doing right by your daughter, while your ex is trying to punish this woman even if it hurts your daughter. All three of the women in this scenario sound like you'd be better off without him.

Final_Commission4160 - NTA you are doing what is best for your daughter. He needs to grow up and man up.

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kraftypsy - NTA. In the immortal words of Cher's dad from Clueless, 'You don't divorce kids.' I was nearly the same age as your daughter when my mom remarried, and I was six when she divorced my brother's dad. I was really close to him, and though he didn't always take me, he did often enough.

I still love him like a dad and will always be grateful he didn't turn me away. I say you're amazing for letting your daughter keep that relationship with her stepmom. Your ex isn't part of it anymore, and it has nothing to do with him.. Edit: lol your right. 'you divorce wives, not children'. Thanks.

GodofHate - NTA, she's missing her step mom and her step mom misses her too. They have a relationshipa and having time together makes things easier for you and it's making your kid happy.

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Decent_Ad6389 - NTA. Please accept this poor person's award for being a fantastic mom. 🏅🎖️🏆 You see what matters - someone who loves your daughter and who your daughter loves. That's pretty awesome.

sweeth06 - NTA. I left my ex husband 3 years ago now. I met him when I was 19, and left when I was 31. He was 29, and 41 respectively. His daughter was 2 when we started dating and 14 when we split. We had her every weekend. Since I left, he hasn’t paid any support, and has seen her a handful of times.

I had a decent relationship with his ex, and she has no issues letting me be a part of her child’s life. I’ve been there and put in effort when he didn’t. I showed up.. I can’t thank you enough for letting this woman be around your child. They both need it, trust me.

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lynniepoohhxd - Nta. You deserve an award. Most women would not have this view over a situation like this. You're doing the right thing. It isn't about you're relationship with her or his. It's about the child.

These reactions raise a question: did the mother’s choice hit the mark for her daughter, or was it a petty jab at her ex?

This story of a mother championing her daughter’s bond with her former stepmom shows how co-parenting can ignite fiery disputes. By prioritizing her child’s happiness over her ex’s objections, she sparked debate about pettiness versus care. The drawing of “My parents and me” sans dad says it all. Was she right to defy her ex, or should she have sought compromise? How would you handle a co-parent trying to cut a child’s beloved figure out? Share your thoughts below and let’s keep the convo rolling!

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