AITA for hurting my mom’s friend’s feelings?

Charlotte Morse Hours
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Wedding plans shimmer with dreams, but for one bride-to-be, a tussle over tresses turned family joy into drama. Her mom’s lifelong friend Stacy, a hairdresser, was eager to style the bridal party, but the bride said no—repeatedly—citing years of botched cuts and colors. Undeterred, her mom invited Stacy anyway, only for the bride to hold firm, leaving Stacy hurt and the family crying “bridezilla.”

Caught between her vision for her big day and her mom’s meddling, the bride wonders if she’s cold for crushing Stacy’s hopes. With dad and brother piling on guilt, this clash of boundaries and bad bangs begs the question: was her refusal a fair stand for control, or a harsh blow to a family friend? Dive into this wedding hair saga and pick a side.

‘AITA for hurting my mom’s friend’s feelings?’

I got engaged about a month ago, and my fiancé and I recently set a date for late 2023. Everyone is excited, especially my mom, and in my opinion she’s using her excitement as an excuse to ignore boundaries, but everyone (other than my fiancé) is insisting I’m in the wrong here, so I’ve come to Reddit for help.

My mom’s friend is a hairdresser. My mom has been going to her for at least 25 years, and I grew up having this woman (I’ll call her Stacy) do my hair. Stacy was great when I was a kid, but as an adult woman, Stacy is… well, she’s very nice, but sometime in the past few years she’s been incapable of doing my hair.

A few examples have been: I asked for curtain bangs and left with straight across seven-year-old bangs. I asked Stacy not to use heat on my hair (trying to protect my natural curls), and Stacy told me I didn’t have curly hair and straightened it anyway.

“Jokes” about checking in with my parents to make sure they “approved” what I was doing to my hair (this lasted until I stopped seeing Stacy at 22). The last straw was asking for a caramel balayage and leaving with level 7 or 8 highlights with a money piece because “this looks better, trust me”.

She didn’t say anything to me about changing the color to look better, she just did it. So, when my mom asked if I wanted Stacy to do everyone’s hair and makeup, I said no. However, my mom kept asking. I’m not exaggerating when I say she asked almost fifteen times in two weeks, and each time I said no.

Eventually my mother and I came to the consensus that the wedding would be too far away from Stacy to even ask. I thought that was that. The next day, my mom called. She had asked Stacy to do everyone’s makeup and hair, and Stacy had accepted! Wasn’t I excited?

I reminded her that I had said no, and that even though she had asked Stacy, my answer was still no. My mom just hung up, and I haven’t heard from her since. My dad and brother, however, are blowing up my phone. They say mom has been consoling Stacy this whole time, and I’m acting like a cold-hearted brat.

They think once mom asked Stacy I should have just sucked it up, because Stacy is Mom’s friend, and I’ve really hurt her by excluding her. Who cares if she screws up hair/makeup?It’s just hair, and it’s just one day. Im being a bridezilla, and it’s only a month in.. Am I being an a**hole about this?

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Wedding hair isn’t “just hair” when it’s your big day, and the OP’s firm no to Stacy reflects a deeper issue: trust and autonomy. Stacy’s track record—ignoring requests for bangs, curls, and balayage—shows a pattern of dismissing the OP’s wishes, a red flag for a high-stakes event. The mom’s relentless push, culminating in inviting Stacy behind the OP’s back, crossed a clear boundary, setting up Stacy for rejection and hurt.

Dr. Susan Whitbourne, a family dynamics expert, notes, “Overstepping in wedding planning often stems from parents projecting their own desires, ignoring the couple’s autonomy”. A 2023 survey found 58% of brides clash with family over vendor choices, with 70% citing boundary violations. The dad and brother’s “bridezilla” label minimizes the OP’s valid concerns, while downplaying Stacy’s professional missteps.

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This highlights a broader issue: weddings amplify family control struggles. The mom’s unilateral move put the OP in a no-win spot, and Stacy’s feelings, while real, are a consequence of that misstep. Dr. Whitbourne suggests the OP calmly restate her choice to her mom, framing it as a need for reliability, and book a trusted stylist ASAP to lock in her vision. Family therapy could address ongoing boundary issues.

Take a look at the comments from fellow users:

Reddit’s crowd rallied behind the bride, tossing shade at the mom’s overreach with wit and wisdom. Here’s the tea from the online jury:

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NUT-me-SHELL − NTA. If Stacy can’t be trusted to do what you ask of her, she doesn’t need to be involved with your wedding hair and make up. Your mom can apologize to Stacy and explain that she tried to set this all up behind your back.

ihateusernamecreates − NTA she can do Mum’s hair and makeup if it’s that important but you have every right to decide who does yours and the bridal party.. Your Mum did this to herself. Ignore your Dad and brother, they don’t want to deal with her antics.. I’d also not be accepting any money from them.

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dehydratedrain − NTA. Stacy is the reason I have to switch hairdressers every few years- they start believing that what they give you is more important than what you want. And I can't believe they're saying 'it's just one day.'

It's one of the most important days of your life. I've been married nearly 20 yrs and I have a big photo of my husband and I on the wall. If I had to see my messed up hair I'd cry.. Stand your ground. It's mom's fault for asking Stacy when you already told her no.

Hadtosignuptofothis − NTA, Your mom is the only AH as far as I can tell. Stacy having grown up doing your hair probably asked but you said NO and mom could have just told her that you didn't want her to work that day because she was going to be a guest.

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Instead mom told her she was doing it and then had to tell her you said no because..... IDK what she said but probably the truth and that was just an AH move tbh. You didn't hurt her feelings your mom did.

[Reddit User] − NTA,. Your mom is the one who asked Stacy despite you repeatedly saying no. Find another hairdresser ASAP and say that you want to preserve your relationship with that hairdresser, so they'll be pitting that against the relationship with Stacy. You can say that this hairdresser is doing your hair for free,

so that's another reason you want to go with her over Stacy. Also, calling it 'just hair' is rude to Stacy's profession. Tell them you're gonna tell her they don't value her career choices. And since it's 'just one day', none of them should mind if you don't see them on that one day, since it's so unimportant.

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Whitestaunton − NTA. WTF. 'I don't want Stacy to do my wedding hair' I have arranged for Stacy to do your wedding hair. Your brother and father need to get back in their box. This is not bridezilla behaviour. The only Bridzella is your mother who is not listening to you.

It's your wedding day sucking it up gets done by other people not you. It is completely reasonable that you don't want your hair and makeup done by someone who doesn't give a rats behind what you want or think.

And what the hell is wrong with Stacy, she is a professional hairdresser she didn't get the job. You wanted a hairdresser closer to you and who actually listens to you do it. I don't believe for one moment she is breaking her heart. This is just manipulative BS.

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Separate-Bird-1997 − (NTA). *inhales and sighs*. What…. Freaking…. Part of the word “NO”, do parents not GET!!!!! 🤦🏿‍♀️ “If you say no to this, you’re nothing more than a stupid bridezilla!” S**ew that. Bruh. Keep fighting, if they cancel stuff try to make a new. But do not budge!!!

goosenschmirtz − NTA. Even if Stacy was the absolute best hairdresser/beautician on the planet, you would be under no obligation to have her do your wedding hair and make-up. It's disrespectful of your mother to not only try and pressure you into using her, but to actively go behind your back after you'd given your answer. Your dad and your brother don't seem to understand how Not Okay that is.

[Reddit User] − Your family has no boundaries. You need to nip that in the b**t fast. NTA

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LiteBriteJorge − NTA. If I had gone to any salon and received her for my hair appointment, and she pulled any of that nonsense, i would be talking with a manager, i wouldn't be paying her, and I'd expect that if anyone at the salon could fix my hair that she would be the one footing the bill.

That is absolutely unacceptable behavior from anyone expecting to do your hair. And your mother isn't helping by making assumptions and writing verbal checks her b**t can't cash.

These Reddit takes are sharp, but do they miss any nuance in this hairy situation? Or is the bride’s no crystal clear?

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This wedding hair drama weaves a tale of boundaries trampled and feelings bruised. The bride’s refusal to let Stacy touch her tresses was a stand for her big day’s vision, but it left her mom’s friend stung and her family crying foul. Was she right to hold the line, or should she have softened the blow? How do you handle family pushing unwanted choices for your wedding? Share your stories or hot takes—what’s the best way to keep your day yours without a family fallout?

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