AITA for hiring someone to help my wife instead of doing it myself?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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The faint hum of a vacuum cleaner battles the chaos of puppy paws in a sunlit home, where one man’s to-do list never seems to end. Juggling work-from-home duties and nearly all household chores, a husband feels the weight of burnout as his wife, shaped by ADHD and a childhood in a family restaurant, sidesteps kitchen and bathroom tasks. When her sudden urge to reorganize closets clashes with his plea for a restful weekend, he hires friends to help—only to ignite a fiery dispute. Readers are drawn into this tug-of-war over fairness, wondering if his bid for balance crossed a line.

This relatable saga of chores and choices paints a vivid picture of modern marriage, where love wrestles with logistics. It’s a story that sparks curiosity: how do couples navigate uneven loads, and what happens when one partner pushes back?

‘AITA for hiring someone to help my wife instead of doing it myself?’

I do most the housework. My wife worked at a family restaurant as a kid so she won't do anything involving the kitchen or bathroom, including sharing the cooking. All of that falls on me, as well as dishes, laundry, pet care, yard care, car care, organizing, all of that fun stuff. I work from home so I'm working and doing all of that.

Most nights my wife comes home and gets to relax or go to her choir practice or her friends houses. All she really does around the house is clean out the fridge once a week, tidy her craft room, put away her clean laundry and split walking the puppies with me. Yeah, we have puppies, which are messy so right now messes are a constant to be cleaned up while we train them.

I get pretty tired and get maybe one day a week to just veg. Lately though, on weekends my wife is wanting to do big projects around the house. That means me doing all the heavy lifting AND doing whatever menial daily tasks there are. I've mentioned the burn out before but we haven't really made progress there yet. We're going on vacation this week.

I made it pretty clear to her Friday I intended to just relax this weekend before doing all of the prep for leaving and making sure the car is good to go. Plus, we're driving the entire way and she hates long distance driving so who's going to be stuck doing all the driving too? This guy.

Low and behold Saturday rolls around and she wants to organize all our closets and the attic. I told her no but she insisted on it. So I called some friends of ours that are needing some extra cash that have previously offered to do odd jobs for us and other friends if needed. Had them help my wife and I left for the day to go relax elsewhere.

My wife was pissed and sent our friends home, I still paid them, but I really don't think I was in the wrong. My wife thinks otherwise and says that stuff like that is our responsibility and I shouldn't try pawning it off on others. AITA?

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ETA: When I posted this, I didn't think her having ADHD was a factor in how she previously helped with the chores or now, but hey, I learned something. So yeah, she has ADHD, which would explain why she always spaced out/wandered off previously when we did do the chores together. She is on medication for it and does have a therapist she works with.

I did know it was part of why her working in the restaurant has given her such an adverse stance to doing things in the kitchen and bathroom now- she was undiagnosed at the time so what they thought was her just being lazy and goofing off and criticizing her harshly for, was something out of her control at the time and she is currently getting help for that.

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This household drama uncovers a thorny issue: lopsided chore division. The husband’s near-solo management of cooking, cleaning, and pet care, paired with his wife’s minimal contributions, screams imbalance. Her ADHD and restaurant-related trauma explain her aversion to certain tasks, but her insistence on new projects while dismissing his exhaustion fuels tension.

Dr. Harriet Lerner, a psychologist and relationship expert, states, “Resentment grows when partners don’t feel like a team” , making this a widespread issue. Her ADHD may hinder focus, but it doesn’t excuse sidelining shared duties.

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Hiring friends was a bold move, but involving outsiders mid-conflict created awkwardness. Dr. Lerner suggests “calm, clear conversations” to reset expectations. The couple could try a chore chart, factoring in ADHD-friendly tasks, or explore couples therapy to address underlying issues. Regular check-ins, as recommended by a 2023 Family Psychology article , can rebuild fairness. Both partners must listen—his burnout is a red flag, and her perspective needs space too.

Here’s what Redditors had to say:

Reddit users dove into this chore-fueled saga with gusto, serving up a mix of cheers and jabs. From praising the husband’s boundary to questioning his wife’s light load, their takes are as lively as a puppy chasing its tail. Here’s the unfiltered buzz:

butteryscalps − NTA. You set down a boundary and that you wanted to relax. She doesn’t take in consideration all the things you do around the house!

Kodiakke − NTA. She doesn't sound like a co-equal partner in the house chores, so why is she dictating the tempo or the rules? She cleans her room, but not the shared spaces. She puts away *her* laundry? Does she leave yours?

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It honestly sounds like she has the responsibilities I'd give a child living in the house, rather than an adult. I'm not surprised you're feeling burnout; you need support and space. If you can't get that from her, then she's not a partner, she's a burden.

Ok-Mode-2038 − NTA. The proper response to that logic is to tell her “Fine, but then you need to stop pawning your share of the housework off on me!” It’s not a matter of you being an AH or not, though. The real question is why have you let this go on for so long?

Why are you enabling her? And, make no mistake about, by doing it all yourself and allowing her to do nothing, you are enabling this behavior. What you need to tell her is to suck it up, get over it m, and be an adult…and that means doing housework.

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TigerDude33 − NTA. You need counseling, not reddit.

Walktothebrook − NTA. Why are you permitting her to dictate to you? A firm No is required. I would also suggest you redistribute the housework.

GiSS88 − NTA, and it's time to sit her down and go over how you're going to split some of those house chores. She lives there, she can help clean and cook if she doesn't want to hire someone to do it.

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FrostyAnywhere − NTA - But honestly I don't understand how it got to this point: I told her no but she insisted on it. So I called some friends of ours that are needing some extra cash that have previously offered to do odd jobs for us and other friends if needed. Had them help my wife and I left for the day to go relax elsewhere.

My wife does the lion's share of the housework at home. She works *and* she currently makes more than me. But, she's better at it, she's faster at it and, most importantly, we had a conversation about it and she's happy to do it. I do quite a bit still, but she is absolutely the primary 'keeper of the home.'

If at any time my wife said, I am not happy with the current arrangement, I want you to help out more - I'd do it in a heartbeat. I understand she's doing more, and I am willing to step up at a moment's notice. And some days she's absolutely knackered after work, and I do it all. It's a balance.

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We, ultimately, work together. I'm completely out of my element when it comes to your situation. If I were you I would have told my wife, 'No. We talked about this before, I am going to rest before the trip.' That's all. That's the end of the story right there.

I *almost* put ESH - because I *definitely* wouldn't have gotten innocent 3rd parties involved, especially in an a**ush type situation. That's super awkward for them, and you should not have done that to them. But, again, this whole thing seems foreign to me .. so I'll keep it NTA

jmgolden33 − NTA, but there are much bigger problems here -- you need to communicate about all of the building resentment you have about the lack of balance in your partnership. She either needs to be receptive to that feedback, or you need to get out of this relationship. If she's willing to just overrule you on everything, then what's the point?

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avast2006 − NTA - your wife is perfectly willing to sit her own ass down and relax when she feels like it, but she seems to think you don’t have that privilege. You’re her partner, not her minion. You told her your intentions to rest and relax,

and she simply tried to countermand you, commandeering your time and muscles because SHE got a bug up her b**t about something that inexplicably suddenly needed doing right now.. Maybe you need to go on separate vacations.

jjswin − NTA. If you feel like you’re burning out, that’s pretty serious and your wife should be supporting you.. She’s being a particular bad partner for not paying attention to what you need to be happy. I think asking friends to help is a perfectly reasonable thing to do, although I’d have just said no and then left to relax somewhere else, closets and attic can wait.

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These Redditors mostly back the husband, urging tougher talks or even counseling. Some call his wife’s actions unfair, others see room for compromise. But do their spicy opinions capture the full story, or just stoke the fire?

This story of a husband’s burnout and a bold outsourcing move lays bare the messy dance of partnership. With ADHD, past trauma, and unspoken resentments in play, it’s a reminder that love needs teamwork to thrive. His stand for rest sparked a fight, but it also opened a door to deeper talks. What would you do if you were buried under chores while your partner set the pace? Share your thoughts and stories below!

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