AITA For Hesitating to Contact My Birth Mom After DNA Revelation?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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In the stillness of a late-night bedroom, an 18-year-old’s world unravels as a DNA test result glows on his laptop screen. Expecting distant cousins, he finds no trace of his family’s surname—only a 49.8% match labeled “parent/child” with a woman born in 1991, his biological mother, who gave him up as a teen.

His parents, who raised him with love, never hinted at his adoption, leaving him reeling with betrayal. Now, caught between curiosity and fear, he hovers over a message to her, unsure whether to reach out or erase the truth.

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‘AITA For Hesitating to Contact My Birth Mom After DNA Revelation?’

This is a long story, I’m going to try and condense it. I’ve spoken about it before on a different post on my profile if you want more details. In the past I’ve spoken about wanting to do one of those Ancestry and DNA at home tests, but my parents (or who I thought were my parents) were always against them.

They told me because they don’t trust those companies with your DNA, but I obviously know the real reason now. A while ago my cousin and I decided to buy a test each and I completed mine in secret.

I was shocked when not only did I not match with him when we got the results, I didn’t match with anyone who shared a surname with any of my family (except for some matches that shared my dad’s surname, but this is an extremely common surname in my country. Think “Smith” for the USA).

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I thought perhaps the test was faulty or wrong, but after some researching I had my doubts that the test was faulty. But just in case I decided to do a second test, with a different company, just in case the first one was somehow wrong.

This time I bought three tests, one I gave to my paternal uncle (he’s actually only a few years older than me despite being my uncle) and one I gave to my maternal cousin, and the last one I did myself. We sent them all off and we got our results surprisingly quickly, about 10 days after we sent them off (yesterday night).

But these tests confirmed my suspicions, I’m not related to my family. And even more, I matched with a woman “49.8% DNA match, predicted parent/child”. Looked on her profile and she was born in 1991 meaning she would have been 15/16ish when I was born.

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She hasn’t been active on the app for over 6 months. I’ve written out messages to her to send and then deleted them, I’ve contemplated just saying “hello” but haven’t had the courage to actually send it off.

I also could just turn off matches and make my profile invisible, that way she wouldn’t see me if she logged back in again. I could pretend she doesn’t exist and that I never found this out. I have another mom out there that I know nothing about, it makes me feel so anxiously curious.

My parents never told me I was adopted, I feel utterly betrayed by them. I’ve resisted the urge to confront them about it since I got the results back from the first test, but now I know for certain I just want to smash my fists into a wall. I want to scream at them. I hate that they’ve kept this from me for my entire life.

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Now the only people who know I know is my uncle and my cousin. I trust that they won’t say anything to anyone until I’ve spoken to people about it. I feel so lost and confused. Should I message my biological mom? Or pretend she doesn’t exist and turn my profile invisible from her?.

The OP’s dropped an update on the saga—curious? Click here to check it out!

Uncovering adoption through a DNA test is like stumbling into a hidden chapter of your life. This 18-year-old’s shock—learning his parents aren’t biologically his and matching with a biological mother—ignites a storm of betrayal and curiosity. His adoptive parents’ secrecy, likely meant to shield him, instead fractured trust. His biological mother, a teen when she gave him up, may carry her own guilt and hope, her DNA profile a quiet invitation for connection.

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His hesitation to message her reflects fear of rejection or disrupting his life. Yet, her presence on the app suggests openness, perhaps a longing to know him. The secrecy from his parents, though painful, may stem from fear of losing their bond, a common adoptive parent struggle. Navigating this dual identity risks emotional whiplash, especially without support.

Dr. David Brodzinsky, an adoption expert, observes, “Discovering adoption unexpectedly can shatter trust, but open dialogue can rebuild it.” This highlights the need for honest conversations. DNA testing’s rise—over 7 million kits sold yearly—has made such revelations common, forcing families to confront hidden truths and redefine bonds.

He could start by calmly discussing the discovery with his parents, seeking their story to heal the betrayal. A short, neutral message to his biological mother, stating curiosity without expectations, might open a door. Therapy could guide him through this emotional maze, balancing both families while anchoring his sense of self.

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Here’s what Redditors had to say:

Reddit’s responders offered a mix of empathy and caution. Many validated his anger at his parents’ secrecy, urging a gentle confrontation to understand their choice. Others saw his biological mother’s DNA profile as a hopeful sign she’s open to contact, advising he reach out when ready.

Some shared their own adoption stories, highlighting the emotional rollercoaster of reunions. These varied perspectives capture the complexity of his dilemma, blending support with practical steps.

ItsBurningMyFace − These are really emotional things. Maybe checkout r/Adoption and connect with people in your shoes before making any big irreversible decisions.

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Assiqtaq − I'm wondering if there is a possibility she did the DNA test as a vague hope that maybe one day you would use it as a tool to find her and reach out to her. Whether or not she did, the ball is in your court and I think it should stay that way until you are ready to deal with it. Reach out when you are ready. There is no real reason to rush right now, you have time.

nomoresweetheart − I gave a child up for adoption at around same age your bio mum was. Your parents are your parents. They shouldn’t have kept this secret from you, and I’m sorry you’re having to deal with that.

Your bio mum was a child when you were born. Your bio father may or may not have been, but she wouldn’t have put her DNA out there if she didn’t think you’d look for her someday. That makes me think she’s probably not going to have a bad reaction if you message her.

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Do you still live with your parents? If you don’t, or have somewhere you can go if there’s a fallout, why not bring it up with them? Write it down as a note to give them if that’s easier. How you feel is completely valid, just don’t approach the conversation from a place of anger. There is no excuse for keeping this secret from you.

Your parents may have struggled with infertility, which can come with feelings of grief, shame, etc. the discussion you’ll be having with them at some point will probably open those wounds for them

they may be scared of losing you - of you not viewing them as your real parents, and hopefully they won’t lash out from that.. Be kind to yourself. As for your bio mother, she’s been waiting 18 years (whether she wants to hear from you or not) she can wait longer. Process your feelings first.

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SANtoDEN − Without writing a novel to tell you my story, the TLDR is that I took an AncestryDNA test and discovered my biological father. I thought my dad died when I was a baby, so this was a shock.

After a lot of deliberation and stress, I reached out to him. He didn’t know I existed. That was about 6 years ago, and we have a wonderful relationship now. I am closer to him, his wife, and my new found extended family than I am to my mom. He is a wonderful grandpa to my 3 year old.

I am so happy that I found him and made contact. I’m blessed to have him in my life. Feel free to reach out to me if you have any questions or want to talk through anything with someone who has been there. Wishing you all the best, no matter what you decide to do.

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A_Single_Man_ − I can’t tell you what to do but I can tell you a story of fallout that can’t be fixed. My stupid father and stepmother adopted a child when I was 19. My sister was an infant and so lovely. As she grew up to say 14 she still loved to dress up in my step-mother’s incredible closet and wardrobe

she stumbled upon a shoebox thinking they were Dior platforms and my sister is a tichy 5’2. To her surprise, the box didn’t have shoes in it. It had hundreds of letters from her birth mom wishing her well and wanting stay in contact. My parents out of their own blatant stupidly and insecurity hid these from my sister.

Days later my parents recognize that she had pulled out all of her eye lashes. In a month it was her eyebrows then actual hair. I will never forgive for that and neither will she. Think about consequences and trustworthiness. Be careful where you place that trustworthiness.

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bee102019 − Okay I’ll tell you about my sister’s experience. We are technically half sisters (different fathers) but I don’t believe in that distinction personally. I know who my father is and we have an active relationship and I think my sister has always been a bit resentful of that. My mother’s marriage to my father lasted less than a year though.

Our mother was a teen mom and when my mother got pregnant, my sister’s father bolted. Flat out left the entire state with no trace. I think my mother was so hurt she would never even confess to his name. Well, a few years ago she did a DNA test. She has 4 kids and knowing family medical history is important. So she found him.

She flew out to meet him. This guy was a total train wreck. He was asking for money, suggesting he move in with her, asking about our mother. It was unhinged. She got the medical info but cut off all contact after that. So my point is this: you can reach out but only if you are prepared for potential disappointment. I would take time to process this before proceeding.

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KindaNewRoundHere − Giving you up as a baby to a stable family was a decision not made lightly and thought to be in your best interest. So you’d have a good life. A better life than if you had stayed with your bio mother. She may not have had the support and resources to care for you.

Try to see this as an act of love and protection.. Your cousin, your uncle, you would not have… Talk with your parents and let them know, you know. See if your cousin and uncle will support you when you go to your parents about it. Tell them you feel betrayed by them withholding the truth. Tell them you are angry and upset.

Then shhhh and listen. Lots of listening. Get them to Talk it out with you. Get your story, get their story. If you’re ready, see if they will help you meet your bio mother and get her story. This is a shock. A pivot point in your life.

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There was never going to be a right time to tell you where the reaction you are having now, isn’t the reaction you’d have had. But now that you’re an 18 year old adult. You need to know and absolutely the eldest age you should have been told.

The conversation with your parents needs to be handled gently. Just a calm , What went on here to get to this point? Hold off until you’re not so angry.. There are stages of grief. Anger is one of those stages.

nick4424 − I would send her a message to see if she wants to communicate. She was probably forced to give you up and did the test in hopes of finding you. Also remember your parents chose you so I wouldn’t be too angry with them. Telling your kid they’re adopted can’t be an easy conversation.

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No_Performance8733 − She’s on the app hoping you find her. . Reach out. 

WonderfulKoala3142 − You've said that you can make your profile invisible to her temporarily? Then change that later? If so, I would do that. This is all new information to you and very overwhelming. Talking to this woman right now would only add to a mess of emotions.

I would take some time to think and then talk to your parents. Tell them that you know that you're adopted and hear them out. Unless they're awful people and you just failed to mention that, they love you and raised you. They may have been scared about how you'd react if you knew the truth. You have every right to be upset, but they are only human.

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They may have thought it was the right thing to do. You won't know until you talk with them. Once you've had time to process everything, then you can revisit messaging the woman you matched with. You'll be in a more stable headspace and even if it doesn't go perfectly you'll have your normal life to fall back on.. I wish you all the best

This story of a DNA test and a hidden past is a poignant reminder that family is both born and chosen. The teen’s betrayal and curiosity reflect the heart’s tug between known love and unknown roots. His journey challenges us to consider trust, identity, and the courage to seek answers. Have you faced unexpected family truths or wrestled with reaching out? Share your experiences or advice in the comments!

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