AITA for Having Professional Hair and Makeup for a Wedding When the Bride Didn’t?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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When a 22 year old woman got the invite to her 40 year old brother’s wedding, marked “formal” at a local mansion, she and her family went all out, booking professional hair and makeup as they had for past formal events. Close to her brother but not his 35 year old bride, she wasn’t in the bridal party, just a guest aiming to honor the vibe. They even hired an out-of-town makeup artist to avoid clashing with the bride’s local picks.

At the wedding, the bride’s family and bridal party looked nice but clearly hadn’t gone pro, and the bride herself skipped the salon. Awkward photo vibes aside, the woman shrugged it off until a flood of angry texts from the bride, her mom, and bridesmaids accused her family of “upstaging” the star. Her brother? Just thought she looked great.

‘AITA for Having Professional Hair and Makeup for a Wedding When the Bride Didn’t?’

My brother (m40) and his wife (f35) got married on Sunday. I (f22) am pretty close with my brother, but not his wife, so while I was a guest, I wasn’t in the bridal party. They got married at a somewhat local mansion, which is actually pretty affordable for a wedding venue. The dress code on the invitation was “formal.”

For the three weddings I’ve been to with formal dress codes (and the eight I’ve been to semi-formal dress codes), the implication was always that it meant professional hair and makeup. That is how *my* whole family took the dress code, so we all coordinated appointments.

A few of us actually went together and had a makeup artist from a few towns over come in, so my SIL could hire locally. Well, when we got there, her family looked good, but their hair and makeup were clearly not professionally done. When her bridesmaids came out, it was apparent they hadn’t used a professional either, nor had she..

It was kind of awkward in pictures, but I didn’t really see a big deal. Well, yesterday, I got a barrage of messages from the bridal party, her mother, and the bride herself about my family trying to “upstage her” and that sort of thing. Quite a few other relatives got the messages too, including my grandmomma.

(FYI, my brother thought I looked pretty and didn’t see an issue except “when did you become a woman?”). I’ve tried explaining that it was a miscommunication, but they’re having none of it. Was I really a b**ch?.

This wedding glam saga glitters with misunderstanding and bruised egos. The 22-year-old guest, guided by her family’s norm of professional hair and makeup for “formal” weddings, dressed to impress, unaware the bride and her crew chose a DIY approach. The bride’s post event texts, accusing them of upstaging, turned a style mismatch into a personal jab, stinging even the guest’s grandma. The groom’s easygoing nod to his sister’s look shows the drama’s one-sided.

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Dress codes spark varied reads. A 2023 WeddingWire survey shows 56% of guests interpret “formal” as upscale attire, but only 22% assume pro hair and makeup. The guest’s family norm pro glam for formal clashed with the bride’s casual choice, a misstep neither side clocked pre vows. The bride’s reaction, while raw, overreached; guests aren’t obliged to dim their shine to match her.

Dr. Elaine Swann, an etiquette expert, notes, “Guests follow the invite’s tone, but brides can’t dictate unspoken rules clear communication prevents dress-code drama”. The guest’s pro look wasn’t malicious; the bride’s DIY call was her right. Texting fury post wedding, though, soured her own day. The guest’s attempt to explain miscommunication hit a wall emotions trumped logic.

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Smooth this over: send a kind note to the bride, affirming her beauty and clarifying the “formal” mix up, no apologies needed. Ignore further jabs; let the groom handle his wife. Future invites? Ask the couple’s glam plan to sync up. The guest’s glow was fair game bride’s spotlight’s hers to claim, not demand.

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

Reddit rallied for the guest, calling her no-fault. Most see pro hair and makeup as standard for formal weddings, shocked the bride skipped it and then lashed out. The crowd pegs her texts hitting even Grandma as unhinged, arguing guests can glam up without stealing shine. “Formal” meant different things here, they say a mix-up, not malice.

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Some question if “pro glam” equals “formal” globally, wondering if it’s a cultural or class quirk, but most back the guest’s choice. Bride’s DIY was fine, but her post-wedding rage? Not. Suggestions? Guest stands firm, lets brother mediate, and glows on. No one dims for a bride’s insecurity, they cheer.

champagnequeen2 − NTA, getting your hair and makeup done for a wedding is pretty normal, formal or not. I've been to alot of weddings where guests got done up because they wanted to respect the event. If the Bride didn't feel the need to not get her hair and make-up professional done that's on her and her choice. She can't ask people to look 'less than' her.

datdudebdub − NTA. Never understood this whole thing. You shouldn't be relegated to coming looking like a slug to not upstage the bride. If you want to glow up, glow up. Attraction to appearance is subjective anyway.

peachpie_1337 − NTA. what bride doesn't get hair and makeup? Its basically a staple in the US. That is so unusual...

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[Reddit User] − NTA. Formal obviously means something different to each side of the family. Not your fault and not her’s either. Just a misunderstanding.

hulkonaduck − I have never in my life known anyone to associate 'formal dress code' to having it professionally done.. What country are you from?

smellslikebadussy − Is it that easy to tell if it’s professionally done or not?. Sincerely,. A dude

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Mac0491 − NTA - They chose not to get hair and makeup done professionally. They can't blame you for doing so.

[Reddit User] − NTA.. ​ This is appualing behaviour and I can't believe she thinks she can start her marriage by offloading at her husbands family about her f**k up. This wasn't miss-communication. This was her not knowing what formal meals. If hair etc isn't important to you then it shouldn't matter if you guys had professionally done stuff as they shouldn't have cared either way.

If it was important to them they should have got professionally done. I mean my understanding is that formal would mean it isn't compulsory for the guests to get professionally done hair and make up but that the bridal party would have had this done themselves.

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[Reddit User] − NTA. They shouldn't have put 'formal' if it wasn't formal.

mercenarybanshee − Info Really, I’m looking for info not just from OP but from others as well. Is it really just generally accepted that “formal” means professional hair and makeup? Or is that just some weird family quirk that OP and her family have?

Because honestly, never in a million years would I think that’s what it meant, particularly for wedding guests who aren’t even in the bridal party. Is this an American thing? A class thing? Both? I’m Australian and working class

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but I have been to middle class weddings and as far as I know it’s not expected for everyone at the event to have professional hair and makeup. I honestly don’t know whether the same is true for people of upper middle class or higher though. But it seems utterly bizarre to me.

It just seems to me like you should have checked what the bridal party were going to be doing and take your cues from them. I’m suspecting this is a class issue though and you had no idea that not everyone thinks about these things the way you do.

Based on that, maybe I should lean towards NAH, but I’m just so flabbergasted that you would think this is normal. Tbh, if I were involved in this situation, I’d probably be feeling like you and your family were being TA here. Seems like I’m in the minority though! Lol.

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This wedding glow-up clash serves a sparkly lesson a guest’s pro hair and makeup, tied to a “formal” invite, lit up drama when the DIY bride felt outshone. Her fiery texts misfired; the guest’s glam was no sin. Clearer dress-code chats could’ve dodged this. The groom’s chill vibe hints at peace maybe. Share your thoughts, feelings, and fixes below let’s tease out this bridal brouhaha!

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