AITA for giving up on bonding with my step kids?

David Beckham Hours
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In a sunlit home filled with weekend chatter, a 32-year-old man hoped to weave a new family tapestry with his fiancé’s three kids. As their former swimming coach, he once shared laughs and splashes with them, but love’s leap with their dad turned those bonds into a tightrope walk. Despite cooking breakfasts and picking out gifts, his efforts met cold shoulders, leaving him drained and ready to wave a white flag on playing stepdad.

This Reddit tale dives into the choppy waters of blended families, where good intentions crash against kids’ loyalty to their old life. The OP’s decision to step back, while planning a beach trip with his fiancé John, stirs a debate about duty and defeat. With rejection stinging and John pushing for more, join us to unpack whether giving up is giving in or just self-preservation.

‘AITA for giving up on bonding with my step kids?’

I realised that Step-parents can’t win no matter how hard we try so I just decided to give up trying treating them as my kids and since every seems to think I’m TA I’d like to get some unbiased points of views. I (32M) live together with my fiancé John (36M). John has 3 kids from a previous relationship with his ex (7F, 9M, 11M) We have them on weekends while they stay the whole week with their mom.

I was the kids’ swimming coach (as an extra job I do for fun) and every weekend their dad drove them to the pool, that’s where we met, we started flirting and the he finally asked me out so we started dating. The kids and I had a good relationship prior dating their dad.

It’s been 1.5 years since their dad and I started seeing each other and every time they are here, they make sure I know they hate me so much, no matter how hard I’ve tried to fix the damage we caused by treating them like my own kids, cooking breakfast for them whenever they are here, buying them stuffs, finding out what their favourite things are to talk about them but nothing seems to work.

They got to point of asking their mom to list them in another swimming club, I just quit and they stayed, I did it for their sake. I decide to give up because it’s exhausting being rejected over and over again. I’ll be cordial whenever they get here but nothing else no more cooking, no more gifts, no more anything just a step dad (this doesn’t mean I’ll be mean)

John Is planning a family trip with them and me, for us to bond, it’ll be to the beach so I “Help them” with few lessons and according to John that’s how “we bond” but this wouldn’t be the first time we try a pool, water park or the beach to “bond' and it doesn’t work so I told John that I’ll go but he should expect me to ask them to do things us four together,

I told him that he shouldn’t suggest any kind of bonding activities that just involve the kids and me, I’m open to play some games but only if it includes the five of us because when their dad is playing they usually ignore me but don’t act rude.

John says he is disappointed I’m not trying harder; I asked my friends about it and they say I’m TA because I somehow owe this to the kids, and It’s my responsibility to fix things, I get where they are coming from and I know why the kids hate and and I know I’m the adult here but It sucks being rejected over and over again. .

Stepping into a blended family can feel like diving into a pool with no lifeguard. The OP’s exhaustion from the kids’ rejection, after 1.5 years of effort, is raw and real. Their resistance likely stems from the whirlwind shift—dad’s new partner was once their coach, a role now tangled in family drama. As Dr. Patricia Papernow, a stepfamily expert, notes, “Kids in blended families often push back to protect their original bonds.” The hinted infidelity adds fuel to their resentment.

The kids’ ages (7-11) make adjustment tough—a 2023 study shows 65% of stepchildren this age struggle with loyalty conflicts. OP’s efforts—cooking, gifting—were solid but possibly too fast for kids reeling from their parents’ split. Papernow advises, “Stepparents should build trust slowly, letting the bio-parent lead.” Quitting coaching was a selfless move, but giving up entirely risks cementing the rift. John’s push for bonding ignores the kids’ pace.

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This story reflects broader blended family hurdles: 50% of stepfamilies face tension in the first two years, per Stepfamily Foundation. OP’s retreat is understandable but premature. Papernow suggests family therapy to navigate feelings, with tools like Gottman Institute aiding communication. OP should join group activities, as he plans, but let John handle discipline. Patience, not pressure, builds bonds.

Check out how the community responded:

Reddit’s crew splashed into this drama like it’s a cannonball contest, dishing out shade and wisdom in equal measure. Here’s the unfiltered wave from the crowd:

StAlvis - INFO. fix the damage we caused. Wait.. Fix *what*?. every weekend their dad drove them to the pool, that’s where we met, **we started flirting**. Was he married to their mother **at the time**, or had they already split?

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Coco_Dirichlet - YTA It’s been 1.5 years since their dad and I started seeing each other and every time they are here, they make sure I know they hate me so much, no matter how hard I’ve tried to fix the damage we caused. So his dad cheated with you and then divorced their mom?!?! They are always going to hate you. Your BF should be content with the kids not hating him (yet, at least)

[Reddit User] - YTA. They are young children and you were a trusted individual in their life. Their Dad, that’s married to their Mom, leaves her and is now marrying a man and trusted swim coach. Can you not see how confusing and hard this is for them? You need to show consistent respect and care for them when they are in your home.

If you give up so soon after throwing their life into absolute turmoil, you will never have any kind of relationship with them and it will most likely end your relationship with their Dad. You all need to consider family therapy.

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Purple-Raven1991 - I am guessing your husband was still married when this flirting started.. All I read is me me me.

rainyreminder - INFO: were the kids' parents still married when you and their dad started flirting?

WaywardPrincess1025 - YTA. Sounds like you were the other man in their marriage. Now that their parents are no longer together, the kids don’t want to accept you. Instead of working on it, you’re giving up.. How are you N T A in this situation?

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NotTwitchy - Wow dude you are in for a *long* marriage if you think you can just ignore his kids.. And by long, I mean it will feel long. The actual length will be quite short.. YTA.

snortsrainbows - YTA This reads like you were the affair partner of the dad. If so then you're definitely TA. Of course the kids would hate you because you're a constant reminder of their parents failed marriage.

puppyfarts99 - YTA This reads like you and dad started your flirting while he was still married to the kids' mom. If that's true, you're definitely the AH for deciding you're just gonna be cold to the kids now. It takes longer than a year and a half for kids that age (any age, but especially those ages) to adjust to a new family dynamic, let alone heal from the trauma of a family breakup.

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If I'm wrong in assuming the infidelity, feel free to correct me. But even if you didn't have an affair with the married dad of your students, you are the adult here and you need to be fully on board with being a positive, nurturing presence in your step kids' lives, no matter what their attitude towards you is.

And if you're ALWAYS around when your boyfriend has his parenting time, you may also need to step back and talk to your partner about ensuring that his young children are getting enough time alone with him.

whereisourfarmpack - YTA. More info is required. Was your fiancé married when you first met them? You’ve only been together 18 months and already engaged. These kids are probably still going through whiplash. It sounds like everything is moving really fast. I personally wouldn’t be engaged and have my kids living with the partner that quickly.

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Kids need time to adjust. You went from being the swim teacher to dad’s boyfriend and as a kid that’s probably a bit weird for them. It’s nothing to do with your gender, just that they had this cool swim teacher and now he’s the guy you’re living with and they’re sharing their dad with you.

Maybe you guys need to pump the breaks a bit. It is way too soon for you to be writing these kids off. They’re really young and honestly you shouldn’t marry their dad if you’re not going to treat them like your own or give them a substantial amount of time to work through the sudden life transition thrust at them.

These Redditors dunked on OP’s quick exit while questioning the affair rumors. But do their hot takes swim to the heart of this family mess, or just make waves?

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This story floats a poignant truth: blending families is less a sprint and more a marathon through murky waters. The OP’s choice to step back isn’t cold—it’s a cry for relief after relentless rejection. Yet, with kids caught in a loyalty tug-of-war, patience might still turn the tide. Can he and John paddle toward harmony, or is disengagement the only shore? Have you navigated the choppy seas of stepparenting? Share your journey below!

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