AITA for gifting my son an expensive gift against his husband’s wishes?

Picture a proud father, beaming as he hands his son the keys to a sleek sports car, a shiny reward for earning a PhD. But the celebration screeches to a halt when the son’s husband frowns, sensing a spotlight on their families’ wealth gap. This Reddit saga captures a dad’s generous heart clashing with in-law sensitivities, turning a joyous gift into a family showdown.

It’s a story that sparkles with good intentions but stumbles into the murky waters of privilege and pride. The OP’s lavish gesture, meant to honor his son’s milestone, instead stirred resentment, leaving us to ponder: when does generosity cross into insensitivity? With Reddit split on the verdict, this tale invites us to laugh, cringe, and reflect on navigating family ties across economic divides.

‘AITA for gifting my son an expensive gift against his husband’s wishes?’

I'm a 58-year-old man, and my son Jake (34M) recently completed his PhD in arts. To celebrate his achievement, I wanted to reward him with a meaningful gift. I've always been fortunate financially, and on past milestones like birthdays, I've spoiled Jake with lavish presents—a car, a designer watch, a luxury vacation, among other things.

Jake's husband, Luke (30M), comes from a middle-class background, and his family is also middle class. They have a more modest lifestyle. When I suggested gifting Jake a high-end sports car for his PhD, Luke was visibly uncomfortable and expressed his concerns about the wealth difference between our families. He felt it would flaunt our differences and create tension.

Despite Luke's problems with the gift , I went ahead and bought the sports car for Jake, its my money at the end of the day and I’ll spend it how I want. Now Luke's family and Luke himself believe I'm being insensitive and flaunting my wealth, labeling me as the a**hole in this situation.

I'm now questioning if I was wrong in giving Jake such an expensive gift. I genuinely wanted to celebrate his academic achievement and show my pride in him, but I'm open to reassessing my actions and understanding if I should have taken Luke's perspective into more consideration. AITA?

Gifting a sports car to celebrate a PhD is a grand gesture, but it’s also a lightning rod for family tension when wealth gaps are in play. The OP’s decision to ignore Luke’s concerns about flaunting wealth wasn’t malicious, but it missed the mark on empathy. Luke’s discomfort likely stems from feeling overshadowed, a common strain in blended families with differing financial backgrounds.

Wealth disparity in families can breed resentment. A 2021 Pew Research study found 64% of Americans feel income inequality strains family relationships (source). Dr. Pauline Boss, a family therapist, notes, “Generous gifts can unintentionally signal superiority, making others feel diminished” (source). OP’s history of lavish gifts, like cars and vacations, may amplify this, especially if Luke’s family can’t compete.

OP’s right—it’s his money. But ignoring Luke’s perspective risks alienating him. Dr. Boss suggests, “Acknowledge the recipient’s partner’s feelings to foster inclusion.” OP could’ve discussed the gift privately with both Jake and Luke, ensuring it wouldn’t strain their marriage. A sincere apology for overlooking Luke’s concerns, paired with a smaller joint gift, could mend fences.

Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:

Reddit brought a buffet of hot takes, from cheering OP’s generosity to roasting his lack of tact. Some see Luke’s family as overly sensitive, while others smell a pattern of wealth-flaunting. Here’s the unfiltered scoop:

SpeedWAAAGon - NTA, I come from a middle-class background and have never been offended at other people getting expensive gifts. More so, I’m actually happy for them. It seems to me like Luke’s family sound insecure about their wealth which shouldn’t affect you and wanting to do something special for your son.

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At the end of the day they shouldn’t be taking their insecurities out on you.. This should rather be a time of celebration for your son’s achievement. Hope this helps man :)

facinationstreet - *Now Luke's family and Luke himself believe I'm being insensitive and flaunting my wealth*. ? I don't get it. How does this in any way impact Luke's family?. NTA

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BeautifulPhantom1 - NTA, you gave your son a gift for a job well done. Is it hard on Luke's family that they cannot be so extravagant? Yes. But that's not your problem. Why is it up to Luke what presents Jake receives from his father? It sounds like there are some financial control issues that need to be worked out between the two of them because at the end of the day, as you already stated, it's your money to spend as you like.

Droppie91 - My only worry would be if they can afford to have the car. Like insurance and maintenance. If you know for a fact they can then nta, otherwise I do think you are a bit of an a**hole.

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Usual-Archer-916 - Question: can they afford the insurance?

Consistent_Reveal275 - A sports car for PhD in arts? Damn, you must be loaded!

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GandhiOwnsYou - I’m withholding judgement, but I’m leaning towards the other side of the families position that you’re flaunting. My sister married a guy from a wealthy family, and he’s a great dude. His father on the other hand, is a tactless jerk that makes a scene constantly by throwing his wealth around, and has actively undercut family traditions from our side with his cluelessness.

We take a family trip to the lake every summer to a campground or rented lake house. When he heard his son say he enjoyed those trips, he bought a lake house, a few jet skis and a ski boat so THEIR family could go whenever they wanted.

When they had kids, they came over to my parents house during the holidays to see Santa ride by on a fire truck (a local tradition the volunteer FD does) and when my nephew mentioned it to the other side of the family, Rich-Grandpa bought an antique fire truck to take the family caroling once a year. It’s his money, he can do what he wants with it.

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But it still makes him an a**hole when he throws money at every situation and highlight the wealth disparity. I’m inclined to assume from your sons in-laws reaction that, intentional or not, you have a tendency to overshadow them a lot and they’re pretty sick of it. Having wealth is fine, having wealth that you use to make other peoples efforts inconsequential is a d**k move, regardless of intent.

Edit: After reading some other comments further down, including one where you said your son wanted to keep extravagant gifts between the two of you so as not to cause friction and you “didn’t agree with that at all,” you’re 100% flaunting your wealth intentionally without regard for the friction it’s causing. YTA.

ToastyToast113 - I feel like there is some missing context here. Like, if viewed in isolation, probably fine. But with a history of lavish gift giving...that feels like spoiling your child. Sure, you can do that, but should you? Other families are going to resent that, whether you intend it or not. Envy is a very human emotion, and seeing someone spend a ton of $$ on something when you're struggling isn't a good feeling.

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It can also make other people important in his life feel underappreciated. Like, 'I want to show my love to my partner and congratulate them, but how in the hell can I compete with the father who gives him a massive gift I could never afford?' It's a silly comparison, but this is why my friends and I always set a $ maximum for Secret Santa lol.

kymrIII - It sounds to me like a lot of teenagers commenting on this post. Who wish the had a wealthy parent

That0neSummoner - Info: does your son and his husband have debts? It might be that they have debts and insurance on an expensive car might negatively impact them. There are a whole lot of other ways they might be financially insecure that this could exacerbate and your son’s husband may not feel comfortable discussing the details of their finances with you.

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These Reddit gems are spicy, but do they cut through the drama or just add fuel to the family fire?

This tale of a flashy car and bruised egos reminds us that even well-meaning gifts can backfire when they highlight divides. The OP’s pride in his son’s PhD is heartwarming, but his blind spot for Luke’s feelings turned joy into conflict. Whether you’re Team OP or siding with Luke’s hurt, this story begs us to ask: how do we celebrate big without stepping on toes? Have you ever navigated a wealth gap in family gifts? Share your thoughts below!

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