AITA for getting mad at my parents after they didn’t tell me about my autism diagnosis until 12 years after I was diagnosed?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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Imagine stumbling across a truth about yourself that explains years of struggle, only to learn your parents kept it hidden. At 16, a girl researching autism for her boyfriend realized she shared the same traits, only to discover her parents had known about her diagnosis since she was 4. Their excuse? They didn’t want her to feel “different.” But for her, it felt like a betrayal of trust.

The original poster (OP) unleashed her frustration, demanding school support her parents dismissed as unnecessary. Her outburst landed her grounded, but it sparked a deeper question: was her anger justified, or did she overstep? This isn’t just about a diagnosis—it’s about honesty, identity, and a teen’s right to know herself. Readers can’t help but wonder: were the parents protecting her, or robbing her of agency? Let’s dive into this family revelation.

‘AITA for getting mad at my parents after they didn’t tell me about my autism diagnosis until 12 years after I was diagnosed?’

When I (16F) was 4 years old I was diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome, later updated to ASD due to the fact that Aspergers isn’t a valid dx in the US anymore. I was kept out of the loop for a very long time. I had recently started dating an autistic guy (15M) and being the nice person I am, I did some research on autism so I could understand his condition.

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The more I researched it, the more I realized I seemed autistic myself. I decided to tell my parents, saying I suspect I’m autistic and I’d like to get tested if that was ok with them. Turns out, I was diagnosed when I was 4 and it was constantly written off by my parents as me being “special”.

I was really, really pissed with my parents for not telling me. They said they didn’t want me to think I was too different and/or a freak. But I struggled so much in school and now I know just why I did. I told my parents I want them to try to get me more help in school.

According to my dad, I don’t need it and I would be taking away from someone who “actually needed it”. I got mad and yelled “I WISH YOU WERE MORE HONEST WITH ME YOU SECRETIVE JERKS”. I got grounded for saying that. AITA?

This family fallout is a heart-wrenching clash of good intentions and harmful secrecy. The OP’s parents hid her autism diagnosis for 12 years, hoping to shield her from stigma, but left her grappling with unexplained school struggles. Her anger—calling them “secretive jerks”—reflects the betrayal of being denied her own truth.

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The parents’ dismissal of her need for school support compounds the issue. Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) often requires accommodations like extra test time or quiet spaces, which 70% of autistic students benefit from, per National Center for Learning Disabilities. By framing her as “special” without action, they neglected her needs, potentially impacting her academic and social growth.

Dr. Stephen Shore, an autism advocate, says, “Knowing one’s diagnosis empowers self-advocacy and access to support” (Autism Speaks). The OP’s parents robbed her of this, likely due to internalized ableism, as their “freak” comment suggests. Her outburst, while heated, was a natural response to years of withheld clarity.

For solutions, the OP should contact her school counselor to explore an Individualized Education Program (IEP), even without parental consent, as minors can initiate this in many U.S. states. She could also share resources with her parents, like Autism Speaks, to bridge understanding. A family therapist could help them process the hurt and rebuild trust. Open dialogue now can empower the OP’s future, so consider a calm outreach to start healing.

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Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:

The Reddit squad rallied around this teen’s tale like it was a call to arms, dishing out support and shade with fiery passion. It was like a virtual therapy session where everyone had a take on the family’s secrecy. Here’s the unfiltered scoop from the crowd:

rat_and_bat − NTA - it's actually super common for parents with autistic children to just pretend like the diagnosis isn't there. Because of their own pre-existing stigma, they're in denial and you're being stuck with the consequences.

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JonesinforJonesey − NTA, go public. Call your family doctor and tell them. Talk to your school counselor. Call other family members, post it on social media. You need to light a fire under their arses, this is so unacceptable. Can't imagine your anger at the injustice I'm so angry myself right now. They can't deny it if everyone knows.

_ac3_0f_spad3s_ − NTA, I'm on the spectrum too, diagnosed in fourth grade and wasn't told until my parents got me and IEP in middle school and even then my mom told me only after I'd asked why she'd had me read some paged from a book about autistic kids she was reading.

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you have every right to be angry, there are so many things I know now that are bc I was autistic and even if nothing can be done just knowing why something is happening is a nice feeling. they shouldn't have hidden it no matter how much they thought it didn't affect you, it's YOUR medical information not theirs

Crobattyyy − NTA. Not telling your kid about their diagnosis is ableism, plain and simple. Doesn't make them bad people, but they definitely have ableism they need to unlearn. I work as a disability advocate (as well as being multi-disabled myself) and you were a whole person at age 4, just like you are now.

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The entire point of acknowledging our diagnoses is because they give us access to accommodations. And these accommodations exist because we live in an inaccessible world. It puts the 'issue' on how the world treats disability and not as some personal responsibility to work extra hard just to be like everyone else.

Due to your diagnosis, you do qualify for an IEP (Individualized Education Program) at school for things like extra time during some tests or a quiet room for tests. I highly recommend reaching out to a school guidance counselor as they often connect students to disability services.

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Even if you don't think you need any accomodations, you're well within your right to explain that you want to learn more about available accommodations. And it's also common for accomodation needs to change over time! You might not need them now, but if you choose to go to college they could prove helpful.

There's unfortunately a decent chance your parents won't be receptive to hearing that this choice hurt you right now (my parents didn't understand how them hiding my autism diagnosis from me was harmful until I moved out as an adult and did therapy as a family) and it's up to you how much you wanna discuss this point with them. No matter what they say though, they were absolutely wrong for hiding it from you.

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majesticjewnicorn − NTA. Your diagnosis is about YOU. YOU have every right to know ANYTHING which directly affects you, and that includes any diagnosis you receive for ANY condition you may have. My husband and brother both have Asperger's, and they knew as soon as their diagnoses became official.

It allowed them to receive help with education, employment and so forth. I suspect I may have it too, however it is too expensive to pay for a private diagnosis and our universal healthcare would take too long to process a referral due to the pandemic. Your parents have a ridiculous attitude towards your diagnosis and their lack of honesty about something pretty major gives off red flag vibes.

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alcoholicmovielover − NTA. That's a pretty major diagnosis to not tell you. It's good that you figured it out on your own.

Ok_Professional_4499 − NTA Seek out a counselor for more help at school and to discover what rights you have. Also let them know that your parents ignored your diagnosis.

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desert_red_head − NTA. I also have ASD and I wasn’t told until age 11 because my parents didn’t think I would understand at any earlier age. However, they still took me to various therapies and got me an IEP for school. They wanted to treat me like other children, so they still put me in a bunch of activities and forced me to socialize with other kids as much as possible,

but they still also recognized when I needed help and got it for me when I needed it. Your parents are so wrong for essentially denying your diagnosis and just allowing you to struggle as you have. I hope you show them some of these comments. Maybe it might knock some sense into them.

Jumpyropes − NTA. Pretty sure not telling you about your diagnosis and refusing to let you get help counts as medical n**lect.

bamf1701 − NTA. You have every right to be angry about this. If they had told you, as well as gotten you the help you needed, they could have saved you a lot of struggling. Not only that, but your parents are horribly anti-science by claiming that you didn't need the help. They aren't doctors.

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Redditors unanimously backed the OP, slamming her parents’ secrecy as ableist and urging her to seek school support independently. Some suggested going public to force accountability, while others shared similar experiences of delayed diagnoses. Do these takes unpack the full story, or just fuel the fire?

This autism revelation shows how parental secrecy can wound a teen’s sense of self, even with good intentions. The OP’s anger was a cry for agency, met with grounding instead of understanding. Whether you’re Team Teen or see the parents’ side, it’s a reminder that honesty shapes identity. Have you ever faced a family secret that changed how you saw yourself? Share your stories—what would you do in this diagnosis dilemma?

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