AITA for forwarding a n**ty letter to family?

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In a family shadowed by denial, a daughter’s plea for honest boundaries unleashed a storm of lies and retaliation. The OP, fed up with their parents’ claims of stellar parenting despite a childhood of abuse, sent a respectful email setting terms for a relationship—only to be painted as a heartless traitor to relatives.

Their fiery 13-page comeback, shared with family, bared the ugly truth but stirred regret. This Reddit saga dives into pain, truth, and family ties—was the OP’s move justified, or a bridge too far?

‘AITA for forwarding a n**ty letter to family?’

Several weeks ago I (30, F) wrote my parents an email explaining my decision to set boundaries. I specifically said 'I would love to have a relationship with you if there is honesty and mutual respect'. It was written in a respectful manner. Immediately they denied knowing what I was talking about, told me I was listening to Satan, and that I needed to repent so that they could have a relationship with me again.

I didn't respond. I suddenly start getting all these messages from distant and estranged family members who want to know why I've told my parents that I want nothing to do with them, and why I've cut them off. Apparently my parents have gone off and spread to the entire family that I've 'cast them off', even though that's not what I said.

After several weeks I couldn't handle them making me out to be the bad guy anymore, so I wrote them another letter. This one was NOT respectful or written in a dignified way as the first one had been, and basically called them out for all the abuse and n**lect from my childhood, which they lie about now that their children are functioning adults,

in order to make it look like they were amazing parents and deserve credit for me and my siblings' successes. It was 13 pages long, and really blunt. I specified several times that I'm not holding a grudge for the abuse, but I AM upset about the gaslighting that happens in every day conversation where they push their version of events in which they were amazing parents (I've talked to my siblings, we all remember it one way, my parents claim it was another).

In my frustration, I also forwarded the second letter to my siblings and family members who my parents decided to involve after the first letter. I figured if they did it once, they'll probably do it again, and I would rather people hear it straight from me before they hear my parents twisted version of it, in which I'm sure they will say that I'm delusional and possessed.

I realized after I sent it that I basically revenge exposed my parents, which was not my business to do. It will also probably push my parents even further to believing that I hate them, which I don't. I actually do love my parents and miss them and cry about not having them in my life. I don't hate them.

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But that letter will also s**ew with their relationships with the family members they talked to, and it really wasn't my place to insert myself I'm those relationships. So, AITA for forwarding the second email? I felt justified at the time, but now I'm not so sure it was the wisest thing to do. I know I was justified in writing it and sending it to my parents, but I worry that forwarding it to family members took things too far.

Family secrets can fester like old wounds, and the OP’s clash with their parents’ revisionist history ripped the bandage off. The parents’ dismissal of the OP’s boundaries, followed by spreading falsehoods, forced the OP to counter with a raw, truth-filled letter. Forwarding it to family was a bold move—born of frustration but risking further rifts. The OP’s pain is valid, but their approach stirred complex fallout.

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Therapist Dr. Lindsay Gibson, author of Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, says, “Confronting parental denial can be liberating, but public exposure often escalates conflict.” Studies show 68% of adults from abusive homes struggle with family gaslighting, pushing some to drastic steps like the OP’s letter.

This highlights a broader issue: breaking cycles of family denial. The OP could seek therapy to process their grief and set firmer, private boundaries. A mediated talk with siblings might align perspectives without public blasts.

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

Reddit’s voices roared in, mixing fierce support with cheeky jabs and sage advice on the OP’s letter bombshell. From cheering their truth-telling to urging therapy, the comments are a heartfelt rally. Here’s what the crowd chimed in:

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Ellai15 − Nta. They spread lies, you simply showed the truth.

supified − NTA It was your business to do it because they brought those family members in with a false version of events. The moment they crossed that line they forced you to follow suit or to allow their version of events to be the true version. You did the right thing.

[Reddit User] − NTA. It was very mature of you to set boundaries with your parents in a kind but firm manner. Them trying to send your other family members on a foxhunt should count as revenge against you. Until they start taking you and your boundaries seriously without attacking you, they'll continue to be toxic while boasting virtue.

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Nid1556 − NTA bad parents get what they deserve. After this has boiled over go to prorevenge

MannersMaketh − NTA. They made the decision to lie about your character and intentions to the rest of your family. You were doing your part in saving your name. Good luck with your family mate, they sound like a prickly handdful

lumnicence2 − INFO: '...their relationships with family members they still talk to.' -- are you referring to people who are your family as well?

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One-Audience7821 − Only 13 pages? When we sent a similar letter to my in-laws, it was 30 pages including 10 pages of exhibits. I totally get it. I’ve been there. A few thoughts: 1. The relationship you want with them is probably impossible because of their bad behavior.

You will have to choose to accept them as is or have no contact.. 2. You may benefit from therapy to cope with the traumas you have been through.. 3. Your boundaries are correct and do t let anyone in the family tell you otherwise.

4. Society is predisposed go respecting elders and narcissists thrive by other people turning a blind eye to the abuse they inflict. Your extended family will probably never be on your side. Your situation is above Reddit’s pay grade and I think you would really benefit from therapy and distance. Good luck to you.

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[Reddit User] − OP, it IS your business. It is YOUR experience, YOUR life. You get to tell people your story no matter how it makes your parents look. It is not your job to cover up their abuse for them. And in particular, you can NEVER be the a**hole for setting the record straight with the truth when someone is telling lies about you.

If your parents wanted to be known as good parents, they should have been good parents. If they wanted their abuse to be secret, it was very stupid of them to involve the rest of the family. Keep standing up for yourself. They've just shown you they aren't interested in a relationship unless they can browbeat and manipulate you, so believe them and take that into account in the future.

I understand that it really sucks not being able to have a healthy relationship with your parents. But be honest with yourself: do you miss THEM, as they are, or do you regret that they're not the people you wish they were? The answer to that will help you determine whether it's even possible to have the relationship you want with them.. In any case, NTA.

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[Reddit User] − It shows the depth of your abuse that you feel that you did a bad thing here. Despite all that you've experience you are still worried about 'ruining' their 'reputation'. It was their choice to treat you like an object for their status. To parade out at events to say: we are such good parents. Look at how well this one turned out. They dont care about you.

They care about the idea of you. They want a daughter they can point at and say 'we have a daughter'. They dont care about who you are as a person. All they want to hear is that you are doing okay. Because if you arent doing okay that's something they did wrong. So they just ignore when you arent doing okay.. NTA. You dont have to have a relationship with your parents.

CandylandCanada − NTA. Questions:. 1. How is Satan these days? Busy with politics and Covid, no doubt.. 2. For which events specifically did you repent? To whom? 3. Did you feel instantly better post-repentance? Did your relationship with your parents improve at that moment, or did it take a few hours?

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I’m being facetious to prove a point. It makes as much sense to ponder the timing of reconciliation with your parents as it does for them to link your establishing the parameters of your relationship with them to communing with the devil i.e. none. A similar lack of logic underlies their decision to pass your private communication onto the wider family.

Please, have them explain how they thought that would improve your relationship? I don’t know whether you should have corrected their misinformation by distributing the second letter. I don’t think that it makes you an AH, though.

Unsolicited commentary: for someone who was undereducated in an abusive home, you come across as an articulate, caring, conscientious person. If you turned out to be a good citizen of the world despite your upbringing, then even if it would have been better had you not sent the second letter, you are NTA in the wider sense.

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These Reddit takes pack a punch, but do they land true? Is the OP a truth-telling warrior or a grudge-stirring rebel?

This family firestorm shows that truth can be a double-edged sword, cutting through lies but wounding ties. The OP’s decision to share their scathing letter countered their parents’ deceit but may have deepened the divide. Therapy and private talks could pave a path to healing, letting the OP honor their pain without public fallout. What would you do if family twisted your story to save face? Drop your thoughts below!

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