AITA for forcing my daughter to make a list of her flaws because she made one about mine?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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In a tense household, a 17-year-old’s handwritten list of her father’s flaws—his accent, gestures, and looks—lands like a gut punch. Stung by the personal attack, the 42-year-old dad flips the script, demanding she write a similar list about herself, tying her car keys to the task. Her outrage, labeling him an a**hole and claiming trauma, ignites a fiery clash. The air crackles with rebellion and hurt feelings.

This story dives into the stormy waters of parent-teen conflict, where a daughter’s cruelty meets a father’s push for accountability. His demand for introspection feels like tough love, but her cries of trauma raise questions. Readers are pulled into a raw debate: is this a fair lesson in empathy, or a step too far in parenting? It’s a tale of boundaries, hurt, and the struggle to connect across a generational divide.

‘AITA for forcing my daughter to make a list of her flaws because she made one about mine?’

My daughter (17) and I (42m) have been having a lot of problems. She is at a stage where she tries to rebel to any hint of authority and uses the 'almost adult' card to justify herself. For example, there have been times when she leaves the house since the morning and does not tell me where she is going,

or says that she 'is an adult' to refuse when I ask her to clean her room or do certain house chores. Things have been tense at home for a while now. Yesterday, my daughter gave me a list of all the flaws that she thinks I have as a person. They are all personal flaws: my gestures, my accent, my physical appearance, etc.

I would have appreciated if the list had been about flaws in my parenting, or things that I can improve, but they were all an attack on my person. I was quite offended and sad when I finished reading it. This is where I think I am the AH.

I said to her that since she's so good at dissecting someone's personality and appearance, I wanted her to do the same with her. I told my daughter that I wanted her to make a list of her flaws like the one she made about me, and then give it to me, so we can both comment about our flaws.

I told her that until she gives the list to me, she has no right to use the car. My daughter said that I am an a**hole, a bad parent and that making that list about herself is going to traumatize her. She says that taking away her car is horrible and that she is going to hate me for eternity if I don't stop the punishment. AITA?

This father-daughter clash is a volatile mix of teenage rebellion and parental response gone awry. The daughter’s list, targeting personal traits rather than parenting, was a cruel jab, not constructive criticism. Dr. Laurence Steinberg, a teen psychology expert, notes that “adolescents often lash out to test boundaries, but personal attacks signal deeper communication breakdowns” (Psychology Today). The father’s demand for a self-flaw list, while aiming for reciprocity, risks escalating emotional harm.

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The daughter’s claim of “trauma” may reflect genuine distress or manipulative exaggeration, common in teen conflicts. A 2023 study from the Journal of Family Psychology found that 65% of teens feel alienated when parents impose reflective punishments without dialogue (APA. Tying the car to the task, while a logical consequence, feels punitive, especially given her “almost adult” defiance. Her refusal to do chores or share her whereabouts suggests broader issues needing address.

Dr. Steinberg advises parents to model empathy and open dialogue to defuse rebellion. The father could retract the list demand, instead asking her to discuss why she wrote hers, fostering understanding. Family therapy could bridge their gap, addressing her disrespect and his hurt. Natural consequences—like limiting car use until she contributes to chores—would better align with teaching responsibility.

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See what others had to share with OP:

The Reddit crew charged in like a family meeting on steroids, dishing out support and sharp takes with unfiltered zeal. It’s a lively debate over parenting, accountability, and teenage antics. Here’s what they said:

Latter-Ad-4065 − NTA.. she needs to understand how hurtful what she did was. But ngl, she seems very unlikely to get it.. Here's the real way to deal with this: Since she's almost an adult, how about she start a part time job? And earn gas money for the car on her own?.

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Don't clean her room, let it rot until she has no choice but to clean it.. She sounds like a real brat. And 17 is too old for it to be excusable.. Info: are you paying for her college? Is she planning on living with you after high school?

Welder1919 − NTA. If she can't take it she shouldn't dish it out either. Also you should say 'fine you want to be an adult you can get all the responsibilities that come with it.' Starting next month you can start paying rent at $300 a month, you can also start doing your fair share of chores around the house, and if you don't have a job you'll need to get one

0biterdicta − NTA. Sounds like a little introspection would do her some good. Edit: I would suggest you structure the punishment a bit differently though. Asking her to list 'all her flaws' so you can comment on them means you're going to end up sitting there pointing out her flaws. Yes, it's what she did to you, but it will severely damage any relationship you have left.

Instead, make her a little worksheet to fill out. Ask her to list three of her strengths (include an example of a strength you think she has), and three weaknesses (do not give an example here). Ask her to list a way she's going to work on each weakness, just like you would in an interview.

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Mr_Ham_Man80 − Didn't think I'd necessarily go this way from the title but NTA. Her 'list of flaws' is just a personal attack as you've written it. Essentially it's a slap in the face in written form, a way to throw some abuse your way.

Unless there's some key missing reasons, her 'almost adult' card kinda needs to be revoked as what she's done is petty, childish and actually quite cruel. You asking *her* to make a list of her flaws is way less harsh than you making a list of her flaws (which would be bringing yourself down to her level.)

Introspection is an important tool for adults when it comes to self-improvement and sounds like it's something she needs to learn. If she thinks that her being introspective about herself is going to traumatise her then perhaps that says a lot about her uncovering what she's really like.

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More importantly, you're there as a safety net, because if she comes out with all these flaws that aren't true and has self-esteem issues (which might explain some of the behaviour) then you can correct her on that and figure out a way forward together.

Maybe tread carefully here, there could be a lot that gets uncovered on this one and you may well end up learning more about your daughter's real self-image from this than you're prepared for.

worryaboutYOUhoe − NTA. It may not be the best way to go about it, but she’s “almost an adult” and certainly wasn’t concerned about *your* trauma. She’ll live.. Hopefully she’ll think twice before making personal attacks.

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ArtOfOdd − So I get the thought behind the punishment, but it's probably not the best way to go about it. Kids like that can be absolute aholes when they're experimenting with boundaries. Personally, I'd probably apologize and then have a long talk about what being 'almost an adult' actually means.

Which is things like you get to make the rules for a house you pay for. You get to choose any allowance since you make the money. You get to set curfew and lock the door 15 minutes after because it's your job to ensure safety of the people in the house, and if she's not paying for her car and the insurance, then she doesn't get to drive it whenever she feels like it.

Those are some of the more natural consequences to be looking at. And remember, you can't *make* your child do anything. You can't *make them act in a certain way. You have no control over that. The only thing you have control over is your property, your boundaries, how clear you are communicating, and your reaction.

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Work on those. Also maybe consider a bit of family therapy, especially if this hit suddenly and is unusual behavior for her previously. On a side note, why the fck did she have use of a car when she's treating you this poorly. We don't do favors for people who have no respect for us or our feelings.. ESH

Hunnybunn2021 − NTA but you have raised a spoiled, entitled brat that needs to learn the concept of consequences before she is a real adult. I hope you stick to your resolve and make her realize that hurtful behavior has real consequences.

Anakerie − NTA. She thinks she's grown? Well, if she's grown then she should be able to take it as well as dish it out. Please advise your daughter that her poo doesn't smell like peonies, and if it does, she needs to make a doctor's appointment ASAP.

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meloettalover213 − NTA. So its fine for her to lack accountability in having a list of your flaws and not worrying about your insecurities but its not when its done to her? People in this comment section really REALLY don't like holding teens accountable for anything do they?

rightobobo − Appropriate punishment. Nta at all. How horrible do you have to be to go up to someone and point out all their flaws coldly like that.

Redditors largely backed the father, calling the daughter’s list cruel and her behavior bratty, though some urged a softer approach to avoid damaging their bond. Suggestions ranged from job requirements to therapy. Do these takes hit the mark, or are they just fanning the flames?

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This story crackles with the heat of a parent-teen showdown, where a cruel list sparks a questionable punishment. The father’s push for introspection aimed to teach empathy but risked deepening the rift. Open dialogue and natural consequences could mend their bond. Have you faced a teen’s personal attacks? How would you handle this family firestorm? Share your thoughts below!

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