AITA for expecting my husband’s family to cook for me and my daughter when they invite us for dinner?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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A family dinner invitation should spark warmth and anticipation, not a sinking feeling of dread. Yet, for one exhausted mom, attending her husband’s family reunion felt like stepping into a culinary minefield. Picture a beautifully set table, glittering with crystal and piled high with gourmet appetizers—all seafood, despite her and her daughter’s severe allergies. The sting of exclusion cut deeper than hunger. This Reddit tale unravels a clash of respect, family dynamics, and unspoken expectations, leaving readers wondering: who’s really at fault here?

The woman, juggling two jobs and parenting stress, hoped for a night of connection, only to face a familiar slight from her in-laws. Her husband’s belated acknowledgment of their disregard adds fuel to the fire, while his family’s dismissive apology fans the flames. This story, raw with frustration and relatability, dives into the messy heart of family obligations and personal boundaries, inviting us to question how far one should bend to keep the peace.

‘AITA for expecting my husband’s family to cook for me and my daughter when they invite us for dinner?’

I (39f) am married since 15 years with my (43m) husband, we have two kids (4f and 7m). Since the beginning I felt like not welcomed in the family, because of social differences, like their family is 'upper'then mine. But my husband always denied the issue.. I have some food allergies, and so is my daughter.

The fact is, when everyone in my husband family have us for dinner or lunch, they never adjust the menu for me. So I either bring my own food or I don't eat.. It worked like that for years. I always found that a bit strange but whatever.. This year is very rough for me, I am working two jobs and I am tired..

My husband family was hosting a family reunion and they insisted a lot for us to go. That particular week I knew that I wouldn't have time to cook so I told my husband (who was desperate to go) that we would go at the condition to find food there.. Husband talked with family and they said yes..

It was a formal dinner with a lot of courses. So we all dressed up and we went. And .... the first course arrives, and it's a mix of appetizer (like 15 types) very beautiful and well prepared. And it's ALL seafood. Every single item.. My daughter started crying realizing that she can't eat any of that.

Thank God at the second course they brought something for her. But not for me. I had to wait around 3 other courses to have something to eat (some plain meat). Then nothing else. At the end of it, I was completely worn off . I had stomach ache for not eating for so long, I was tired for have dealt with the kids that were tired and cranky (and no one in my husband's family payd them attention or interacted with them)..

No one of us had fun except my husband. Next day I had to wake up early in the morning to go to work and I was very tired and miserable.. So I told my husband that I am done with his family.. Husband says he is sorry and for first time recognize the problem.

He speaks with SIL and ask her to apologize (his idea, I was just done and just wanted to move on). SIL apologize in a text in which se says she is sorry but it is my fault for 'not communicating well' and that they were too busy because 'organize a formal dinner for 20 people is a big deal' to pay attention to my allergies and that I should have brought my own food as usual because that is clearly 'the simplest thing'.

The 'not communicating well' part rubbed me very wrong because, come on, which part of 'we have seafood allergy and if we eat it we will suffocate and die' is difficult to understand???? So I told my SIL that this is unacceptable and I am not ok with that.

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Husband says that I am a huge a**hole and that all his family thinks that.. I fully know that this is petty matter, but I can't help feeling disrespected here, me and my daughter.. So what do you think? Am I the a**hole here?

Navigating family dinners with dietary restrictions can feel like tiptoeing through a social minefield. For the OP, the in-laws’ failure to accommodate her and her daughter’s seafood allergies wasn’t just an oversight—it felt like a deliberate snub. The tension lies in clashing perspectives: the OP seeks basic respect for a serious health concern, while her in-laws seem to view her needs as an inconvenience, blaming her for “not communicating well.” The husband’s late awakening to the issue only complicates the dynamic.

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This scenario reflects a broader issue of family inclusivity. According to a 2021 study by Food Allergy Research & Education (FARE), about 32 million Americans live with food allergies, and social gatherings often exacerbate feelings of isolation when needs are ignored (foodallergy.org). The OP’s in-laws’ focus on a “formal dinner for 20” over her health mirrors a common societal oversight—prioritizing appearances over empathy.

Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship expert, notes, “Empathy in families requires active listening and validating each other’s experiences” (gottman.com). Here, the in-laws’ dismissal of the OP’s clear communication about life-threatening allergies shows a lack of empathy, while her husband’s flip-flopping support undermines trust. Gottman’s insight suggests the family’s refusal to adapt signals deeper relational disconnect, leaving the OP understandably resentful.

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Advice: The OP could set firmer boundaries, like declining invitations unless accommodations are confirmed. Couples counseling might help her husband advocate for their family’s needs. Open dialogue with in-laws, emphasizing the medical severity of allergies, could clarify expectations. If resistance persists, prioritizing her and her daughter’s safety by skipping such events is a valid choice. Respect starts with mutual care—something this family sorely lacks.

Heres what people had to say to OP:

Reddit’s hot takes on this saga are as spicy as the seafood the OP couldn’t eat! The community rallies behind her, with users calling out the in-laws’ negligence and her husband’s failure to step up. Here’s what they had to say:

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[Reddit User] − NTA. Because you’re right, you aren‘t asking for much. Just a starter or dish that doesnt contain seafood. And if there are *15 different appetizers* and they are all seafood, that’s not a communication issue, that’s a deliberate attempt t prevent you from eating

ur-humble-overlord − NTA. i don't have an allergy, but i don't like seafood, either. i dont understand how they could pick so many plates and not have ONE thing that wasn't seafood, and how you've been in the family so long, but you didn't 'communicate' enough. i guess the allergic reaction is the only level of communication they'd understand.

DogsandCatsWorld1000 − NTA, but your main problem is not your in-laws it is your husband. This has been going on for 20 years, why is he just now noticing that you have this problem? Also, and most important, when your daughter was faced with only food she could not eat, why was he not helping to look after her? I mean what type of man lets his kid go hungry?

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[Reddit User] − NTA. Your in-laws aren't inclusive or considerate at all.

FlyGuy1922 − NTA I have extended family with allergies and I always accommodate them in the cooking. For example we have someone with a severe nut allergy so if they’re coming, no nuts are used in anything we cook. You’ve been a member of this family for YEARS, surely they should know what you can or can’t eat?

Plus giving your daughter a literal plate of seafood when they know she has an allergy is just ridiculous. Next time there’s a family event and your husband insists on going, tell him to go alone. They don’t care about your needs or the needs of your children for that matter.

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Prof_Fuzzy_Wuzzy − Info: how were you able to have kids given your husband's complete and utter lack of balls?

residentcaprice − NTA. Everyone else is except your daughter. Your husband doesn't care about your feelings and health. Next time he should just go himself. Which is likely what his family wants anyway. 15 years is a long time to pretend they don't know or remember. I would wear a tee that lists all my allergies just to make sure they get it, but i am petty.

AbbyFB6969 − NTA. You have more of a husband problem than an inlaw problem. Do not ever allow them to go to his family without you. Has it occurred to him that if you weren't there, and your daughter forgot to check something that might have fish that she doesn't notice, that she could eat it and die waiting for the ambulance?

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She could eat something and not realize it was cross contaminated? It isn't hard to organize a meal for twenty and manage to have things you are not allergic to. What IS hard is to have a meal for twenty people with so many courses an NOT have an adequate amount of dishes without seafood.

THEY LITERALLY WENT OUT OF THEIR WAY TO SERVE YOU THINGS THAT WOULD HARM YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN. If your husband refuses counseling so he can get some objectivity in this, you might want to consider consulting an attorney, esp in regards to your children's safety.

You cannot promise he won't expose them to something via his family if you aren't there, so you def want supervised visits with him, if you go that route. If you DO visit an attorney, I would not tell him. Most attorneys will give you a free consultation to determine if they will take your case, and if you even need representation.

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AsuraRathalos − NTA here's a tldr 'Myself and my kid/s have a food allergy, and my husband family doesn't care, they will host dinners where they feed us mostly if not only the things we can't eat this last dinner was all seafood, and my husband called me an ahole for being upset that this has been happening for 15 years'.

I do not like your husband at all, I don't care if the man somehow suffers all your period cramps, and pregnancy pains for you, he's a super ahole. He watches his family purposely try to feed y'all stuff that could tear you body up if not kill you.. And just when I'm like maybe he's grown some balls:.

Husband says he is sorry and for first time recognize the problem. He then goes on to do this bad boy: The 'not communicating well' part rubbed me very wrong because, come on, which part of 'we have seafood allergy and if we eat it we will suffocate and die' is difficult to understand????

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So I told my SIL that this is unacceptable and I am not ok with that. Husband says that I am a huge a**hole and that all his family thinks that. You need to put your foot down extra hard, be manipulative, ask tell him to say that same dumb stuff he said to you, to his daughter.

I'm generally angry about this, on 3 levels, 1, it's not hard to not cook sea food I'm from a damn island and no one eats sea food like that, 2, they're doing this and be punked out each time to defend you, 3, he even goes as far as to punk out from defending his own freaking daughter.

EdutechLugie − NTA - but you really have a husband-problem and not a in-law problem. Do the same thing they’re doing to to him and them. Invite them for dinner and only cook for yourself.

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These opinions pack a punch, but do they capture the full picture? Or are Redditors just fanning the flames of family drama?

This tale of allergy-fueled family tension leaves us pondering respect, boundaries, and the courage to stand up for oneself. The OP’s frustration is palpable, caught between a dismissive family and a husband slow to act. It’s a reminder that family gatherings should nourish, not neglect. What would you do if faced with such blatant disregard at a family event? Share your thoughts—have you ever had to draw a line with in-laws or push for respect in a tough family dynamic?

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