AITA for discouraging my girlfriend from getting the “hair of her dreams”?

A splash of vibrant color became a relationship flashpoint when a boyfriend’s honesty dulled his girlfriend’s sparkle. Picture a young woman, brimming with newfound confidence, ready to paint her hair black and neon green—her childhood dream. For her, it’s a bold statement of self; for her boyfriend of a decade, it’s a distraction from her “natural beauty.” His disapproval, though honest, left her deflated, canceling a salon appointment that had her buzzing with excitement.

The fallout stirred a Reddit storm, with users debating love, control, and personal choice. The boyfriend’s updates show regret and a plan to make amends, but the damage lingers. This tale dives into the delicate balance of supporting a partner’s self-expression versus voicing personal tastes. Did he cross a line, or was he just being true to himself?

‘AITA for discouraging my girlfriend from getting the “hair of her dreams”?’

She (22F) has been obsessed with coloring her hair since she was a kid. As soon as she was able, she’s been coloring her hair crazy colors. So far she’s done red, blue, purple, and blonde highlights, but never her whole head, usually only the bottom half of her hair.

I’ve never been a huge fan of it, but since it’s not her whole head, I was able to get over it pretty easily. It’s been about a year since her last hair color and she just cut off the last of the bleach from her head a few months ago, but now she’s talking about dyeing half her head hair black and green, a bright green.

I (21M) have never been a fan of this look in anyone, and I think she’s beautiful the way she is. Such loud hair would only distract people from her natural beauty. She knows how I feel about it, so she’s been holding off this on this look.

I don’t know what possessed her to suddenly decide she wants it again (she has been having a ton of self confidence improvements lately, which I love seeing), but she booked an appointment and everything without telling me. Her friends were so excited that they gave her money for the appointment.

I wasn’t so enthusiastic about the idea, and I didn’t hide that. When asked, I was honest with how I felt and how I think it would make her look, which we’ve discussed before, but I also mentioned that at the end of the day it was her body and she can do whatever she wants with it. Seeing my lack of enthusiasm and actual h**red for the style seemed to deflate her,

and after a talk about it, she decided to cancel the appointment. Her friends are kind enough to let her keep the money in case she changes her mind or even use it for Christmas presents, but it broke my heart to see her go from so excited to so defeated just from hearing the opinion she already knew she was going to get from me. AITA?

Edit: her friends gave her the money as a holiday present to get the style. We’ve also been together for 10 years this year. Someone mentioned it “doesn’t count” since we were kids, but when she was 12

and I was 11 she said she had a crush on me and I was so excited that this cool older girl liked me that I said yes to be her boyfriend. I told her I loved her for the first time when I was 15 so if you want to not count our little years, we’ve been officially dating for 6 years

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Quick update: a lot of you really ripped me a new one, and honestly I deserved it. One in particular really opened my eyes to just how much my opinion and my word matters to my girlfriend, and how much I’ve taken that for granted. Not anymore. From now on, I’m putting her and her feelings first.

I called the salon this morning and asked if her appointment had been filled yet. Thankfully, not yet. I rebooked it and I’m going to take her in as a surprise. I’ll tell her I’m taking her out to a fancy lunch so she’ll be all dressed up and looking stunning to show off her new hair. Her appointment is on the 21st, so I’ll update all of you when the time comes!

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Update 2: a sorta sad one this time. My girlfriend stayed the night and when we were eating breakfast this morning, she got a phone call from the salon saying they had to cancel her appointments due to the omicron outbreak in our area.

They told her the dates and she was confused. Some of you know she had already booked another date for herself outside of my surprise day. I was stupid enough to put the appointment back under her name since they already had her file, so the salon told her the two dates she had supposedly booked and had to cancel both.

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She asked the salon to call her back once they have available dates again, which they said would most likely be in January, and she would rebook then. So yeah, surprise ruined and she can’t go to the salon to get her hair when planned anyway.

I was bummed when I got the news but she immediately lifted my spirits by hugging me and crying, which made me cry too. I can’t believe I tried to suppress this beautiful, amazing girl in the stupidest way, and I’m so lucky she decided put up with it for so long.

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She won’t have to anymore, and I promise her that. Thanks Reddit for helping me see just how much I need to let my gorgeous star shine. PS: for those of you saying I shouldn’t let her get dressed up for a bright hair dye, you were right and she made sure to drill that fact in my head, LOL

Dampening a partner’s joy over a hairstyle isn’t just about aesthetics—it’s about respecting their autonomy. The OP’s girlfriend, riding a wave of self-confidence, saw her bold black-and-green hair as a celebration of self. His vocal disapproval, rooted in his own preferences, overshadowed her excitement, leading her to cancel a choice that felt empowering. This clash pits personal taste against a partner’s right to self-expression.

Relationship dynamics thrive on mutual support. A 2020 study in Journal of Social and Personal Relationships  found that 78% of couples report stronger bonds when partners affirm each other’s individuality, especially in aesthetic choices. The OP’s focus on “natural beauty” subtly pressured his girlfriend to conform, undermining her agency.

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Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship expert, writes in The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work , “Supporting a partner’s dreams, even small ones, builds trust and intimacy.” The OP’s honesty was valid, but his delivery lacked tact. He should apologize sincerely, affirm her right to choose, and join her at the salon to show support.

Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:

The Reddit crew didn’t hold back, serving up a mix of tough love and sharp wit like a lively group chat. Here’s the unfiltered scoop from the community:

NUT-me-SHELL − YTA. So you’re excited about her confidence boost as long as she only makes changes to herself that you approve of? Nice.

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weenumpty2 − YTA. It's not your hair.. but she booked an appointment and everything without telling me. She doesn't need to tell you, it's not your hair.. Such loud hair would only distract people from her natural beauty. So, you're worried what other people think about someone else's hair and that it might reflect badly on you?

Your friends are also too stupid to realise that her hair is not your hair? but it broke my heart to see her go from so excited to so defeated just from hearing the opinion she already knew she was going to get from me. She's daft for asking you, because it's not your damned hair.. You can be honest without being an a**hole, you know?

OldGregg84 − YTA, it's her hair. She can have it whatever way SHE wants, hers is the only opinion that matters

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SoftLovelies − You’re equating the couple of hours per day of you viewing her hair to her 24/7 experience of having it colored wildly, along with the time/money/upkeep of having it done.

That in itself is presumptive but THEN you convince her that your opinion of her and her hair is more important than her own, so much to the tune that she cancels the appointment for her dream hair. Is that about right?

She loves bright hair, has her whole life. You need to get on board or at least shut up about not being on board. You’re placing your opinion of her appearance ahead of her feelings. Poor girl. I hope she gets her hair done exactly how she wants. YTA.

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LipstickRevenge − Are you one of my exes? I finished with a guy for making a fuss about me colouring my hair. Every time, he'd whine, despite him saying at the beginning of the relationship that he found that side of me 'cool'. When I raised that point and asked why he was trying to change me, to which he replied, 'It's for your own good.'

That was the final straw; I dumped him on the spot and went with one of his classmates within a week. It broke his heart. He brought it on himself. Obviously YTA. If you don't like dyed hair, don't go out with a girl who dyes her hair. Like with my ex and I, it's not a surprise that's come out of nowhere. F**k's sake.

FormalJellyfish4683 − YTA, it is so easy for the people who are important in your life to make you feel like crap which is what you’ve done here. You mention that she knows how you feel

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and were honest about it but it was “the opinions she already knew she was going to get” have you considered the flip side that you knew how happy and excited she was and you rained on her parade anyway? You’ve expressed your hesitation in the past so maybe just try being supportive now.

Also to your point of loud hair distracting from her ‘natural beauty’ please consider that women are not responsible for being beautiful or appealing to you or anyone else and the casual way that society expects that is pretty damaging to a lot of people.

iwannabeonreddit − Ahhhhhhh yes completely the AH. Let me explain, you probably thought you were being virtuous by 'telling her the truth' and that you were 'just being honest', which though may be true, indiscriminately doing so is assholey. I too value honesty so the way I think of it is, love requires sacrifice.

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Okay I want to be supportive of this person, support is a form of love, in order for me to support them I need to hold my opinion to make them happy. So then it becomes a choice of her happiness vs. your views. TBH the additional kick in the gut for me is that she clearly loved you so much, she gave up her desires to appease your sensibilities.

Likely, she does this often. Be careful, this type of self-sacrifice ends in her cracking year/decades down the line, leaving and you wondering WTF happened. Take this as an opportunity to learn because it'll likely be similar no matter the partner.... Good luck, nobody deserves this :)

talldarkandundead − OP, I agree, YTA, etc etc, but seeing your update: don’t f**king surprise her with this on the day of and have her go to the appointment wearing nice clothes.

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Getting hair dyed can take hours at a salon, especially if she needs her hair bleached first, and she might be uncomfortable sitting for so long in a fancy outfit (not to mention worried about ruining it with bleach and dye!).

Also, waiting until the 21st to tell her you messed up leaves her several days to sit and stew on this; what are you gonna do if she decides this is the last straw before the 21st? Apologize to her now, at minimum, even if you keep the hair appointment a surprise

JosephJoestarirl − YTA this reminds me of how an ex of mine used to get his hair cut badly and it'd make me not want to see him. Turns out I didn't really have feelings for him, I had just been feeling lonely. My point is: if their looks are more important than their personality to you, maybe it's best to see other people /lh

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emccm − YTA. I broke up with someone who didn’t want me to get a particular hairstyle. Lol he was shocked. Back-peddled like crazy on his comment. A year later he got back in touch and went on and on about how he still thinks about me, how great the s** was, how beautiful I am blah blah blah.

I laugh whenever I think about him and how in to me he was. He genuinely thought he got a say in what I did to my own body. Now he’s free to go date someone with the hairstyle of his wanking dreams.

Redditors called out the OP for prioritizing his preferences over his girlfriend’s happiness, urging him to support her self-expression. Some shared stories of breakups over similar control issues, while others praised his reflective updates. But do these takes fully capture the nuance of long-term love, or are they too harsh? This hair drama has everyone debating respect and autonomy.

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This colorful saga shows how a simple hairstyle can reveal deeper truths about love and control. The OP’s initial misstep dimmed his girlfriend’s light, but his efforts to make amends offer hope. It’s a reminder that supporting a partner’s choices, even quirky ones, strengthens bonds. How would you balance honesty with supporting a loved one’s bold moves? Share your thoughts and experiences below!

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