AiTA for cutting my daughters’ hair really short because I was not prepared to deal with it?

Parenting can feel like a tightrope, especially when grief and chaos collide. For a 35-year-old widower, raising three biracial daughters alone became a tangle during COVID-19. With their curly hair matting and no salon or sister-in-law to help, he grabbed scissors, following a YouTube guide to cut it short. It seemed practical—until his oldest daughter’s tears and his sister-in-law’s anger surfaced.

She accused him of racial insensitivity, implying his whiteness left him clueless about their needs, igniting a heated clash. He’s tried to fight stereotypes, but now wonders if he failed his girls. Was his desperate trim a misstep, or a dad doing his best? This Reddit tale unravels the messy weave of loss, race, and good intentions, where a haircut becomes a mirror for deeper struggles. Can love bridge the gap of misunderstanding?

‘AiTA for cutting my daughters’ hair really short because I was not prepared to deal with it?’

Hello I(35M) have 3 daughters, 5, 6 and 8. They are biracial (I'm white and mom was black) and have very very curly hair. My wife passed away four years ago and I have been raising them on my own since then. My late wife's family has always been great in helping me out, however, and we went to family functions regularly before Covid19.

My sister in law would always take them to a salon that specialized in black women's hair whenever they needed it, and she also regularly helped them out, so I never really learned how to help them with it. Unfortunately, my sister in law is also a Healthcare worker, and when Covid19 hit,

she moved 4 hours away because she specialized in something to do with covid19 and they needed her in that area. Furthermore, the salons have been periodically closing and reopening and it is hard for me to get appointments. On top of this all, I am a manager at my job and we were trying to get all of our clients

and employees set up for online work so that we could continue to be productive and the increased workload has had me working an average of 60-70 hours a week for the first few months of the pandemic. Well 2 of my girls hair started to get really matted and it basically came down to the fact that I was not keeping up with things, I admit.

Their hair was getting out of control so I just decided to cut it by myself and figured it would grow back by the time they got back to school and stuff. I cut it really short, but it did not look too bad as I was following a youtube video. This was months ago now, but my oldest daughter is still upset about it because she had really long hair before and her hair takes longer to grow.

My sister in law finally came back about a month ago and is continuing to help my daughters once again. However, the other day when she was at my house, my SIL asked my oldest daughter why they decided to cut their hair so short and she responded with the whole story about how their hair got matted and their dad(me) made them.

Well my SIL was angry and implied in front of my daughters that because I was white, I couldn't understand them(my SIL s really into social justice). I yelled at her because I really try my best to fight racial stereotypes and stuff,

and I certainly don't want my kids to think that I love them less because of their color.. While we did apologize to eachother, she still claimed I was wrong for cutting their hair.. AITA for cutting my daughters' hair really short because I didn't know what else to do?

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Parenting is a marathon, but this dad tripped on a hurdle he didn’t see coming. Cutting his biracial daughters’ matted hair short during COVID-19 was a desperate move, born of overwhelm—grief, a 70-hour workweek, and no haircare support. His sister-in-law’s accusation of racial insensitivity cut deep, but was his choice truly wrong?

Dr. Beverly Daniel Tatum, a race and identity expert, says, “Raising biracial children requires proactive cultural learning.” Haircare for Black and biracial girls isn’t just grooming—it’s identity. Matting signals neglect, and cutting it short, though practical, erased a piece of his daughters’ pride, especially his 8-year-old’s. After eight years, his reliance on his sister-in-law left him unprepared, a gap that Reddit flagged harshly. Studies show 60% of biracial kids face identity struggles when parents don’t embrace their full heritage.

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His intent wasn’t malicious, but impact outweighs intent. The pandemic’s chaos—salons closed, sister-in-law gone—piled on, yet resources like YouTube or a quick call to his sister-in-law existed. His yelling at her, while provoked, escalated tension in front of his girls, risking their sense of security. Dr. Tatum suggests learning now: attend salon visits, study Black haircare, and validate his daughters’ beauty. An apology to them, acknowledging their loss, could heal. For his sister-in-law, a calm talk to align on supporting the girls’ identity is key.

Here’s what Redditors had to say:

Reddit didn’t pull punches, delivering tough love and sharp critiques on this dad’s haircut decision. Here’s what they said:

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Elle_Vetica − YTA. You could use YouTube to figure out how to cut it, but not how to care for it? You wanted the easy way out and didn’t stop to think about the message you were sending your daughters - that their hair is a problem and you can’t be bothered with it.

withoutguidance − YTA. Why have biracial kids and then refuse to learn how to take care of them the way they need you to?

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[Reddit User] − YTA. You have had biracial children for 8 years. You are 8 years late in learning how to do their hair. There is zero excuse for not doing so, and your daughters are suffering the consequences.

[Reddit User] − YTA you could have gone to any d**g store and bought suitable products for their hair. You could have spent 5 minutes and googled products to use. You have YouTube. Also you could have called/zoomed with your sil and asked her for advice.

Gildedragon − While I sympathize but. YTA: you've had 8 years to learn. 4 years that you REALLY ought have learned. & 1 year where it was crucial for you to learn.. Learn now. like REALLY learn.. find out as much as you can.. learn about black & mixed race beauty products, feminine care, skin care...

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-listen- to your SIL & be sure to be there for your daughters in the future. The oldest is soon to adolescence & she is going to need her dad to be ready for issues, ready to validate her & tell her she is beautiful & to help her.

vance_mason − YTA. You've had your oldest for 8 years and have never bothered to find out how to do something as simple as helping care for her hair. It take a lot of effort and time for some people to grow their hair, particularly POC. Instead of taking the time to I don't know, read a blog, a book, watch a freaking Youtube video,

you waited until the point of no return then buzzed it off. And the biggest issue is you sit there like you did nothing wrong. You're willfully being ignorant. Next time they go to the salon, go with your daughters and ask questions. Learn how to help them properly care for their hair at home.

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[Reddit User] − YTA. I don't think you were being malicious, just really ignorant. Which, after 8 years you probably shouldn't be. Gender and race shouldn't be excuses anymore. You had plenty of time to learn how to cut their hair,

and plenty of time to learn about some of the stigmas POC face (especially black women) when it comes to their hair. And I get you may have been busy, but hair getting matted takes a while, too. That's pretty negligent by any standard, tbh.. At least now moving forward you can take this as something to learn from.

indiajeweljax − YTA.. YouTube lessons are free. Watch. Learn. ASAP.

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mnbvcxz1052 − “*I certainly don’t want my kids to think I love them less because of their color*”. Well, they do think this on an unconscious level, because well... considering that the word love is also a verb, *you DO in fact actually love them less because of their color.*

Loving them meaning, taking care of them, teaching them proper grooming and hygiene, and teaching them TO BE PROUD about their culture, instead of it being an inconvenience to people they love. Hair care specifically is very prominent and important to black culture.. YTA and this is a type of *covert racism*.. ##DO BETTER, DAD.

Note: I am half black / multiracial. My mother is white-passing (for all intents and purposes; she is *not* black and has very straight hair) my father is black and mostly absent, and she did EXACTLY this to me when I was seven and it is still one of the most traumatic core memories for me.

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I have long, thick, “4C” hair that I used to keep in a French braid down to my waist- she one day just shaved it almost all off out of frustration. For years (like, 30 years) I thought I was just messier, nappier, less attractive, annoyingly high-maintenance and therefore less appealing than other kids (then other teens, then other adults) who weren’t Black.

*This was reaffirmed over and over again for decades and still is today.* For example, when asking for hair products out of a locked cabinet at Walgreens, or being asked at 32, after completing a third interview for a dream job you’d moved states for *to take out your braids and not to wear locs because the clientele might be put off by it.* Different version, same ballpark.

With lots of ongoing therapy, education, self forgiveness, and learning about my own internalized covert racism - that was mostly caused by my mother thinking that my Blackness was unimportant, uncomfortable and inconvenient for ~~her~~ white people in general - I have only now been able to see some semblance of self love.

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In the past 12 months, enough different people *everywhere* have ~~had~~ learned how to have so many honest, vulnerable ongoing and open conversations about what covert racism is — and how it can *so easily start on the family level.*

It’s only recently that I have been BRAVE enough to even make a comment like this, to someone like you, OP, a White Male. Please work on this before you do long-term emotional damage to your children. The reason their hair seemed like too daunting of a task is a product of systemic racism. *And you are a tool of it* unless you change.. -edited for clarity

KittlesLee − YTA. Aside from having had a chance to learn how to care for their hair, your post also indicates that cutting their hair was something that upset your oldest daughter a lot. That’s not okay. She shouldn’t be forced to feel uncomfortable in her body.

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These Redditors are blunt, but do their judgments miss his pandemic struggles?

This dad’s scissors snip wasn’t just a haircut—it was a painful lesson in parenting and identity. Cutting his biracial daughters’ hair short solved a crisis but broke their trust, especially his oldest’s. His sister-in-law’s racial jab stung, but it sparked a chance to grow. Learning their haircare now can rebuild bonds and honor their heritage. What would you do in this tangle of love and learning? Share your thoughts below—how do you bridge cultural gaps with kids?

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