AITA for “controlling” my wife’s free time?

The crunch of leaves underfoot and a cool breeze weaving through the pines—it’s the kind of evening that calls adventurers to the trails. For one couple in their 40s, though, a wife’s love for hiking has kicked up more than just dust. Her husband’s simple request to know her whereabouts sparked a firestorm, turning a routine safety check into a full-blown argument about freedom and control. Picture a cozy home where solo nights are sacred, now buzzing with tension over one question: is it care or captivity?

This Reddit tale pulls us into their world, where busy parents carve out precious “me time” but stumble over how to balance independence with peace of mind. Readers can’t help but wonder: when does concern cross into overreach? It’s a story that tugs at the heartstrings, reminding us how love and worry can tangle in the messiest ways.

AITA for “controlling” my wife’s free time?’

My wife and I are in our early 40s with a couple kids so our lives are pretty busy. We try our best to give each other one night a week to ourselves. Our free time to unwind or pursue solo hobbies or whatever. When the weather is nice my wife often likes to go hiking. Sometimes with her sister, sometimes with our dog, sometimes by herself.

If she's going hiking I ask her to let me know where she's going and roughly when she'll be home. I want to know so in case something happens I know when to be concerned and where to start looking. She's grumbled about it a little bit before but it's mostly never caused any issues until a couple days ago.

She had her free time night on Monday and told me she was hanging out with her sister. Tuesday morning I asked how her sister was doing and if they had fun. She told me everything was good and they had a good time hiking together. I said something like

She said she's so tired of me trying to control her free time and that it's not fair of me to try and micromanage what she does and where she goes when she never does that to me. It devolved into an argument from there and we're both still pretty annoyed about it. From my perspective it's not about controlling her, it's about safety.

She's out in the woods, sometimes after dark, sometimes by herself. She isn't always in areas with cell phone coverage. I worry if she gets hurt or lost or something else happens to her I wouldn't have a clue where to send help unless she tells me where she's going to be.

She argues that she doesn't ask for that kind of information from me when I'm having free time, but I'm not doing activities that involve the same sort of risks. Am I the a**hole for wanting to know where she is and when she'll be back when she's out hiking?

A husband’s plea for hiking check-ins morphing into a marital standoff? It’s a classic case of good intentions hitting a nerve. The OP sees his request as Hiking 101—knowing where his wife is could save her if a twisted ankle or worse strikes. She, however, feels like her wings are clipped, her free time under a microscope. It’s less about trails and more about trust and autonomy.

This spat reflects a broader issue: couples navigating safety versus independence. A 2023 National Park Service report notes over 300 search-and-rescue operations annually for lost or injured hikers, with solo trekkers at higher risk. Communication gaps can escalate these dangers, especially in spotty cell zones.

Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship expert, said in a 2024 Psychology Today piece, “Mutual respect thrives when partners validate each other’s needs without judgment.” Here, the OP’s safety fears are valid, but his delivery might’ve felt like a leash to his wife. Her defensiveness suggests deeper frustrations—maybe she craves unmonitored freedom.

For solutions, experts at REI’s hiking blog suggest sharing plans via apps like Garmin or leaving a note—low-effort ways to ease minds. Couples counseling, per Gottman’s advice, could help them reframe this as teamwork, not control. Readers, how do you balance care and freedom in your relationships?

Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:

Reddit’s crew didn’t hold back, dishing out everything from sage advice to suspicious side-eyes. Here’s what the hikers and homebodies had to say about this couple’s clash: That’s the Reddit rundown—some call it common sense, others smell overreach. Are these comments on the mark, or missing the trail entirely? You tell us.

EmploymentLanky9544 − If she's going hiking I ask her to let me know where she's going and roughly when she'll be home This is Hiking Safety 101. Anyone who hikes, especially solo, should tell someone where they're going, with an estimated time back. Twisted ankles happen, and so does getting lost.

I find her emotional reaction to your common sense to be very disproportionate. In all honesty, I have to wonder if she is really going

First_Tumbleweed9296 − NTA at all, and I'm quite appalled at the YTA votes here. What you're asking for here is basic communication. Any responsible hiker shares their trip plan with at least one person, if not multiple. My wife and I spend a majority of our spring/summer/fall time in the mountains; camping, hiking, backpacking, canoeing, kayaking, and biking.

Even if we're just going on a front country camping trip for a few days, we tell both of our families our plans, including estimated departure and arrival times. We also let them know when we leave and when we're on our way back home (as soon as we get cell reception).

Your wife is being incredibly blind to the risks that she's taking by not communicating with you. Not to mention being extremely shortsighted and selfish. Anything can happen in the outdoors, and it's extremely important that you're informed of the plans.

Pocket_Pixie3 − Look up the YouTube channel

Absolutely NTA. I try to tell my partner where I am and I have my location shared to them cause I also do Uber part time. It's dangerous out there for women. Though be careful cause some of those true crime stories might put you or her off hiking and she might get even madder at you for ruining something she loves.

Violetmints − NTA because it seems like hiking is the only activity you have asked to be notified about. I'm assuming you don't ask to be notified if she goes shopping or to the movies. Someone who isn't going along should always know roughly where you are and when you will be done with outdoor or water activities.

Blubbpaule − Rule Nr 1: If someone gets angry over you being (in a non-negotiable healthy way) considerate about the safety of a person something is wrong. I promise if someone gets angry about following simple rules for safety, especially when going Hiking there is something off. NTA - but maybe you should question if she really goes hiking that much, because she'd know how dangerous it is to not tell anyone where you're at.

EmpressJainaSolo − What do we mean by hiking here? Hiking in certain areas means walking in nature parks that have workers walk around before closing. Hiking in other areas is, well, actual hiking. Also, when she is hiking with other people, is there someone besides yourself who is aware of where they are going? Did her sister tell anyone?

Finally, do you reciprocate informing her about your whereabouts? Is informing the other about location and timing something that affects both of you or does it solely affect her due to differences in habits? While it’s important to have someone be aware of where people are while hiking I don’t think it’s always necessary for you to be that point person for your wife when she is with other people.

NTA in general because safety is important but it doesn’t sound like you are approaching this in a way that your wife appreciates and asking for check ins when she with other people isn’t coming across well. Take some time to collect your thoughts and see if there’s a different way you can approach this to help connect with your wife. She should feel like you two are teammates looking out for each other, not like someone who needs a protector and superviser.

entirelyrisky − My god...you can absolutely tell which commenters know the first thing about hiking, and which don't.. [Tips for hiking beginners.](https://hikingguy.com/how-to-hike/hiking-for-beginners-11-essential-tips/)

UteLawyer − NTA. Your wife is acting like a single person with no children. When you have children and a spouse, you no longer have the luxury of taking off at a moment's notice without informing anyone.

Ok_Objective8366 − NTA - she is being ridiculous on her own or someone said something. You are only doing this for her hiking which is smart as people get lost or hurt daily hiking even in places they know well. My child is an avid hiker and does day and month long hikes. We have a Garmin for both of us so we know the details.

We all tell someone we are hiking on the day we are leaving and the timeline. We can look at the details on the Garmin. This would be the smartest thing to get.. She also needs to realize that she will be thankful you ask when something happens (hopefully not )

BigBigBigTree − INFO: when you hike together, do you tell a third party where you'll be and when you'll be back?

This hiking hullabaloo leaves us pondering how love can stumble over the simplest asks. The OP’s heart might be in the right place, but his wife’s pushback shows how fast worry can feel like a cage. It’s a nudge to talk, listen, and find middle ground before tempers flare. What would you do if your partner’s safety habits sparked a fight—double down or dial back? Share your thoughts and let’s keep this trail talk going.

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